Feeling hopeless and depressed
Posted , 7 users are following.
Feeling hopeless
My mum has been extremely depressed and anxious for 18 months and tried to commit suicide 2 months ago. Seeing her in intensive care really affected me and I feel like I have become very depressed too. My mum walks around the house all day repeating the same things and saying she needs to leave us for our sake and she's gonna run away and things like that. I am finding extremely hard to cope.
On top of this I have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 months, he is the loveliest most caring guy and he really loves me. However I don't love him the same, I fear that I've been using him accidentally to get away from my situation at home. I spend most of my nights at his house and sleep there almost every night. I have spoke to him about all of this but I still feel guilty about it. He says don't worry about hurting him but that's all I worry about 24/7 and can't imagine breaking up with him. When I go out with him I find myself getting annoyed sometimes but I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to enjoy things and so usually don't enjoy them. I am a very anxious person myself and how really struggled with life since being 16. I'm 23 now and this is my first relationship and he was my first everything, this makes it so much harder to think about letting go. I can't enjoy myself doing anything anymore because it just goes round and round in my head that this is wrong. But I can't imagine another girl with him which makes me feel selfish coz I can't give him the love he gives me. I feel that I will be like this in any relationship because of my anxieties and all I want to do at the moment is stay in bed. To top everything off my job is extremely stressful at the moment and I am beginning to hate it.
I am constantly fighting with myself and just want this pain to go away. It's starting to debilitate my life. I want to see him but I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing for me or him, but when things are bad at home I want to go to him. I used to look at him and feel happy and now I don't feel anything which scares me. I don't know whether this is the depression making me lose feelings or it just isn't there. I can't bare thinking about this. I have a sinking feeling if I think about breaking up with him. I just want it to work out and to feel happy.
To top everything off my job is extremely stressful at the moment and I am beginning to hate it.
Everything is just a mess. And I can't go on feeling like this. Nothing makes me happy anymore.
1 like, 15 replies
Wilb Las5678
Posted
gary78460 Las5678
Posted
Theatreofthemnd Las5678
Posted
Hello Las
For a 23 year old, you've surely been through a hell of a lot hence why you are so mature and switched on. What you're saying names total sense and I can completely understand why you'd be feeling the way you are.
You have A LOT going on, and it's especially hard when it's your parents who need the looking after.
You must be such a strong woman!
The therapy suggestion is a good one but also vital to your sanity and overall healthy recovery. I don't think there is anything wrong with you I believe it's all circumstantial pressures that are leading to your mental issues.
Perhaps once you've been able to speak to someone and you've been able to release some of the pain off your chest and mind and settle into some anti depressants (if that's what you and your dr decide is right for you) then you could look at figuring everything else out around you. I'm pretty sure it'll all start to fit into place together when you're in a better state of mind. It's so important for the soul.
Your counsellor will even be able to help you with you relationship issues.
No one other than you can really comment on your relationship. Only you know how you feel. But please don't ever think or feel like you're a bad person or you are doing something wrong because you are not!
It's very big of you to be open and honest about this with your boyfriend. Not many people can do that.
I really hope you find peace and the answers soon.
I think you've just got to break everything down into little steps. Each step will lead you to the next one and the next one until you slowly have it worked out. And if you don't, that's ok too we're only human
Las5678 Theatreofthemnd
Posted
Thank you, I have tried really hard for the last 18 months not to give in to everything but it's so hard. I just want to do nothing at the moment, it's becoming a struggle to get up and even eat. I know that I need to stop it because I'm very worried about ending up like my mum. My dad has switched off from everything and I feel like our whole family is falling apart. I'm am only child and I feel really lonely.
I already go to a therapist but it seems to have stopped working recently. I've been going for a year.
Medication is a hard one because no one in my family wants me to go on it because of all the medications my mum has had and how all of them have made things worse not better.
I am just stuck in the middle with what seems like no way out at the moment, I want my boyfriend to be able to help me but at the same time I don't want to drag him along so I feel awful all the time, slightly less so when I'm with him but worse when I'm not. That's why I'm struggling to think about ending it, because I don't know how I'll cope.
Theatreofthemnd Las5678
Posted
I get what you're saying...
I wish I can tell you that it's all going to be okay and it will all go away tomorrow. I wish I had that magical wand but unfortunately I don't.
I don't want to give you cliches either but seriously when it rains it pours and with your situation it may (or may not) get worse before it gets better. What you're feeling is so normal Hun to what is going on. There are people out there that end up institutionalised over situations far less serious than yours, so the fact you're where you are and so switched on means a lot! It means that you've got what it takes to not only get through this (in your own way and in your own time) but you will come out of it the other side a bigger and better person.
Take all the time you need to cry, to feel sad, angry...let it all out girl! Never keep it in.
There will be days where you'll feel like all you're doing is surviving. When you're having a day like that, try to keep in mind it's all a process.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can. I'm glad we can keep in touch here. It really sucks but you've got to keep at it.
Chin up. Head up. And never stop smiling!
I don't want to stress you out or cause you any more suffering but anti depressants have come very far today. It's not like it used to be where there was a pill that you'd take for something but would have huge side effects and sometimes even last for your whole life. It's not like that anymore and they aren't addictive. It's totally up to you but you are old enough to keep this totally private from your family. It's your 100% right.
There is nothing wrong with taking an anti depressant.
They aren't addictive and you are yourself on them the only difference is that you can cope better. You won't have any serious side effects but you should speak to your dr and psych about it best.
And if you choose the natural Wah that's totally fine too. Try doing some exercise. I know drainer, but it really works! 😉
Las5678 Theatreofthemnd
Posted
Thank you for being so kind. I just wish this battle inside my head would stop. I think I will go to the doctors and try again but most of the time they don't give appointments anymore they just ring you back about your problem and then just prescribe something over the phone or put you on a very long waiting list for cbt.
I think it doesn't help to see how badly my mum has been treated by the NHS.
I have been trying to go back to the gym because I let it slip for a while, but it's hard when energy is so low.
g.90572 Las5678
Posted
Las5678 g.90572
Posted
Thank you, I want it to work but I can't help feeling that in the long run it won't and that's why I am feeling guilty and really sad.
Not really, we got a new manager 4 months ago and he doesn't know what he is doing and keeps making mistakes and I keep picking up after him. I was the step up supervisor doing the job when needed until I applied for the job and someone else in the company did too and they got it over me because of experience. Which is fine but the new supervisor has only worked there for 2 weeks and then gone off with morning sickness for the last 4 weeks. So I've been doing her job, even tho I didn't get it in the first place. She is also hard to work with and lazy and my manager was warned before he employed her and is now regretting it. But that doesn't make it better for me. Most people have left the store because of the changes and so its all changed and it's made it not a nice environment to work in. I also don't want to be in retail forever, I have a degree in wildlife conservation and have previously worked in a zoo but the jobs are hard to come by.
Theatreofthemnd g.90572
Posted
That's a good point.
Theatreofthemnd Las5678
Posted
Wildlife conservation is my dream job 💙
You sound like a very lovely person. I really have my hopes up for you!
borderriever Las5678
Posted
With regard your mental health it wuld seem it is been effected by what is happening at home and this is having an awful effect with your relationship with your boyfriend.
With this it sounds you are worried that your relationship could go the same way and this is not doing anything for you and your relationship and that is very sad, as it sounds you have a nice relationship and you would miss him if things went wrong
Personally your Mother needs support and possibly if married your father needs to step up on the mark and allow you to live your life. I would recommend that when possible live your life and be with your boyfriend and stop worrying. You have a life to leas and you are an adult.
Talk to your family GP and make a double appointment.
BOB
Theatreofthemnd borderriever
Posted
Exactly Bob. You bring up bf make some very good valid points.
Las needs people to step up around her. Even her Drs.
Las sweetheart, your dr sounds terrible. Please try to find someone else. I had similar issues with my dr when I went to him for a mental health plan. He just prescribed me some medication and off I went.
It wasn't until I grew up a bit, had a bit more experience with the system after talking to different types of people, and changed Drs, that I realised how much better another dr could treat me and the difference a pro active and understanding and caring dr makes to the situation. It makes all the difference.
Medication kinda stops being that it starts to be something that you're not even aware you're taking because you're not getting any side affects because the medication is right for you. It becomes normal again and you start to feel alive again slowly slowly.
You can deal with things.
Your dad needs to step up. You need to be taken care of and supported and loved.
You're clearly a strong person and a fighter so I know you won't give up.
I live in Australia so I couldn't help you with any referrals etc but I'm here for whatever you need. S
Theatreofthemnd
Posted
Xox
Theatreofthemnd
Posted
jan22222 Las5678
Posted
Hi, I can understand how you are feeling, your mum is suffering badly and it's rubbed off on you maybe. I have suffered with depression on and off for many years, my triggers are always related to life incidents that happen to me, I think I can cope but slowly the depression creeps up. During these times I have had people in my life that loved me and cared for me but because I couldn't feel deeply about anyone outside my own children I let these people go, I am talking about partners who really cared for me but because I was in my head all the time with depression I couldn't love them, only when the depression lifts, could I see what I had lost. Hold onto your boyfriend if he is good to you and cars for you, help, love and support your mum, listen to her, love her and tell her how wonderful she is. I do hope you get better soon and life becomes good again for you.