I have major depression and he has asperger, I don't know what to do

I start dating my boyfriend a few weeks ago. I was so happy, I had this huge crush on him and I felt that it was reciprocal. We have been fine, more than fine, everything was perfect, in the last few weeks. I do not now if I was ever so in love...

The problem is that I have a major depression, diagnosed  a few years ago. I was truly in a bad place, dark thoughs everyday over my head, a vision of the future completely dark, and I felt that nothing was worth to live. With a lot of help from family and friends, a lot of medication and therapy, new purposes in life, I was able to find happiness again. I still have my negative polar moments, but usually I am able to controll them and get around. When they come it is horrible, but it is manageble.

My boyfriend has asperger, he told me in the day after we start dating. We was expecting that I would freak out, and gave me a tight hug when I told him that it do not make look at him differently. I told him that I have depression, he told me that it was ok.

He have his "quirks", but nothing that I could not manage, or tolerate or even embrace. I actually adore him, during the last few years I did not believe that it would be possible after everything that went wrong with my ex.

The problem is that I am in a negative cycle again. I know that this will eventually go away, but I am scared. Last night I was feeling anxious, so I called him and I explained what I was feeling. I asked him to talk about something, anything that he would like, until the medication started to function. I felt like he was trying to "dispatch" me (I do not know if this is an expression, english is not my native language), he was like "Sweety, do you think you are able to sleep now?" constantly... I ended up saying that I was ok and ended the call. And I had a panic attack. Followed by other. And yet another. I felt abandoned, it has been an year and a half since my last panic attack... I thought that if I was able to explain that I was hurting and be explicit about what I needed from him it would be easy, but for some reason the resquest for help and the feeling of desinterst from him, ended to hurt me more.

I do not understand if the problem is the asperger or the perception of the depression. I know thas aspies have problems about being empathic, or maybe I just interrupted something that he was focused. But at the same time I do not know what he really thinks about depression... He actually never metions it, and sometimes I am afraid that he is one of those persons that think that I am just being "whiny".

It is true that this was a single episode, but my dark side cannot stop imagine the dark future: it will be always like this?

I am still trying to understand asperger, but it has been very difficult to me.

Do you have any advice? Do you know if it is possible for us to find an equilibrium? I like him very much, I cannot see myself ending the realtionship, but I also know that I hurt everyone around me when I cannot control my demons. And I don't want to hurt him

If you have any advice I would be thankful

 

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