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I'm desperate for help. Life feels like too much.

Posted , 7 users are following.

ria77848
ria77848

It's Christmas and I've been miserable for the last week. I know it's not going to get better for a while as there's still New Year's Eve to go. I have no plans and I want plans with one particular person but I am certain I won't get it because he does his own thing and he needs space from me. I have borderline personality disorder and I've just about scared him away I think. Right now, I'm in bed after having taken my medication and I'm crying, exhausted and irritable as all hell. My nearly 4 year old is right beside me, restless and I'm snapping at her every time she looks as though she's not getting to sleep. For this, I hate myself. I hate that I'm not tolerating her, I hate that I'm pushing my loved one away in classic borderline personality disorder style, I hate that he's taking a break from me and I don't know what the hell is going on and I hate that I hate myself. My chest hurts, my body feels overheated with all the anxiety. I should be happy. I spent Christmas with my daughter and my parents, but instead I'm miserable. I can't fake happiness and never intend to dampen the mood for others but it seems I always do. Everyone's always telling me to smile anyway. Some are telling me to just stop stressing. I can't do any of this. I want people, I don't want to be alone but I'm just terrible to be around. This week I attempted suicide. Nobody was around, just the way I wanted it, but during the act, I was talking to the loved one through IM. I wanted attention, i wanted to be saved. I hate that I was so selfish and manipulative like this. I know I don't want to be like this anymore. Most of the time I feel life is too hard to live. I'm tired all the time. I have no energy. I want to be loved but I am a horrible person. I need help. This cannot go on. I rebuke my actions and a lot of the time. I resent them. I need help. I want help. That's why I'm here.

0 likes, 15 replies

15 Replies

  • casiodss
    casiodss ria77848

    Posted

    Ria, I know it feels like too mucho now but you should try to wait. Spent time with your kid and get some joy from that. Time heals a lot and if you tey to hard things will get worst. Thats what happened to me. You stat having more and more symptoms and that makes you feel worst. If you say you dont like your actions, dont do anything, just wait. A litle time will put you in perspective of what will be your next step...
    • ria77848
      ria77848 casiodss

      Posted

      Thankyou, casiodss. Wish it was easier, but thankyou for your response, nonetheless.
  • robert80755
    robert80755 ria77848

    Posted

    Ria, you need a medication adjustment and to see your doctor right away. If you can't see your doctor then you need to Goto an emergency room. You should take your daughter to stay with your parents for a while.

    You have to get some help for this now!

    Please don't hurt yourself! Get help! My son just took his life in Oct. and ended up in the emergency room DEAD!!!! My wife, me, and my other sons lives have been destroyed!!!! Go to the emergency room alive and get help!!!! Think of your child and your parents! They will have to live with the pain of you bring gone forever!!!!

    You can get better, you just have to seek the help!!!!! And Pray to God for the strength to do it!!!!

    Get to a doctor right away please!!!!!

    God Bless You!!!

    • lindathepinda
      lindathepinda robert80755

      Posted

      Also agree. Get yourself to the ER first thing in the morning. Don't ponder about it, just get yourself over there. Crisis never sticks to holiday planning etc., it just pops up, so Christmas or not; do what you have to do and make your life a bit easier (and that of others), you've suffered enough by now, get yourself some help tomorrow, it's too complicated to solve on your own.
    • ria77848
      ria77848 robert80755

      Posted

      Robert(?), many thanks for your blessing and your response. I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope you have support with your grief and if you would like more, please feel free to personal message me. Helping where I can can be therapeutic to me, but if you do not wish to, that, too, is completely fine.

      i did not visit the emergency room today, I tried to keep it together as much as I could. I have succeeded thus far but my goodness, what a challenge. I hope you are doing ok. All my best.

    • ria77848
      ria77848 lee12629

      Posted

      Lee, thankyou. Thankyou, even as someone distant, for saying you care. Something so small means something so significant to me.
    • robert80755
      robert80755 ria77848

      Posted

      Ria, if you just started taking your meds they need a few weeks to start working. If you have been taking them for a while then you need a dose change or drug change.

      I know you might not have the motivation to go back to the doctor but YOU HAVE TOO!!!!!

      We found out my son tried to take his life twice before he finally did. He would not take his medicine as prescribed, and would take all kinds of other illegal drugs. Especially Marijuana! That is the drug that started his downward spiral to killing himself. It's not the same drug that was back in the 70's and 80's. It is so much more powerful and does alter your brain! He was 21 and we could'nt force him to do anything. And we tried everything!!!

      Please get back with God and GET HELP NOW!!!! Don't do this to your family or yourself!!!! I know it doesn't feel like anything will help but you can get better!!!! You have to want it!!!!!

      And thank you so much for caring about me!!!! Now's not the time for you to help others, you have to help yourself first, and then you can help the world if you want too!!!

      God Bless You!!!!

      Please don't hurt yourself!!!!! We are all going to die someday, so fight as hard as you can now to enjoy the little time we have here.

      You can get through this, but you have to be honest with your doctor about EVERYTHING!!!!!

      Your daughters life will be ruined forever if you take your life!!!!

    • lee12629
      lee12629 ria77848

      Posted

      I do care,I want you to be happy. The holidays can make everything even more over welming. I am hopeing you find the coming year one of hope and that it turns out to be a nice better year for you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Xoxx
  • lee12629
    lee12629 ria77848

    Posted

    Oh please dont be so down on yourself. Sounds like you are depressed. Life will get better. Have you seen a councelor? Are you on any meds that can greatly help. Please call a suicide helpline if you ever feel that way again.Life is so prescious and your family and child need you. Please get some help.Hugs!!
    • ria77848
      ria77848 lee12629

      Posted

      To further respond, yes, Depression certainly is apparent. I am in hope that life will get better. I'd have thought a close call will have jump started some form of enthusiasm for life or perhaps induced an epiphany, instead I somewhat resent the failure from the other day. Unfortunately with depression, nothing feels worth it, it kills me to say, even family. I have always felt my daughter deserves better. I've felt all of my loved ones deserve better than to know me. For years I have felt compelled to eat dirt because I believed genuinely that that's the form of pits I deserve. I am on medication, yes- mirtazapine 15mg. One before bed every night. I am really trying. Thankyou again for your support, Lee. Bless you. I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season.
  • jim27772
    jim27772 ria77848

    Posted

    dear Ria. your pain and emotions will not let you feel it but you are Much loved by your child,family and many who you are not even aware of.You are especially loved by the God who created you and His promise is that He will Never leave you or forsake you,He is just waiting for you to call out to Him.Even His son gathered people around for comfort and support so don't wait another moment and call someone to be their with you.I am aChaplain and I have felt His touch and peace many times through my addiction.I love you with His unselfish love.Chaplain Jim
    • ria77848
      ria77848 jim27772

      Posted

      Maybe I need to come back to God. I was a Christian for a few years, before I left for reasons unclear to me, come to think of it. I am lost and I need answers. I need peace. Maybe, Chaplain Jim, I need to believe again. Please, I hope we can keep in touch or if there is a community you can recommend, reachable via social media, I would like to be a part of something. Bless you.
    • lee12629
      lee12629 ria77848

      Posted

      I am not good at going to church,but I do believe and feel he is a great source of comfort. (God)
  • jim27772
    jim27772 ria77848

    Posted

    dear ria,Coming back to God has been made easy for any of us who want t. o in our hearts.In the gospel of 1 John chapt.1;verse 9 the Lord says "If we confess our sins,He(Jesus)will forgive us and cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness, so that every sin is wiped away and He gives you a fresh, clean start all over again.When my little daughter was bad i didn't ignore her or condemn her but i picked her up in my arms, loved her and forgave her,and thats what Jesus will do for you right now.Here's a prayer you can pray righ now ( Lord Jesus I know that I have messed up and done things wrong, please forgive me and wash me clean with your blood.Iwant to live for you and know your peace and strength in my life. Thank you for loving me. I understand that YOU SAID I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU! I receive you today as MY Lord and Saviour.Amen. Anyone who will say this prayer sincerely HE will embrace you and make you his own.I will be watching for your reply snd have more good news for you. Much love from God and chaplain jim. Blessings on you
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