Please Take The Time To Read This. (1st Time Depression)

Hi, my name is John. I truly thank you for taking your time to read my post. It may be long but I really hope you read it and maybe have some experience. Pay attention to the dates I list because this has happened just over the last month and a half. I am 30 years old and have lived with my mom and stepdad all my life. I have a very very close relationship with my mom who raised me as a single mother (never knew my father and it never bother me). For two years my girlfriend has lived at my parents house with me along with my sister and her boyfriend and our families 2 cats and dog. It was a busy household and I loved it. In May of this year, my girlfriend and I decided it was time to look for a house and start a new life together. We fount one we loved less than a mile from both our parents house. We closed on it on June 25th!  I was super excited and on cloud nine. I had a house of my own with the girl I love and financial stability to afford it. I bought all kind of new furniture, big screen TV's, etc to fill up this 4 bedroom house. Family came and helped me move in and everything was great and falling into place. For the first couple of days (June 26 - 28th)  it was awesome with friends coming over and pure enjoyment of owning my own place. Well on the 3rd day to be exact, I started to miss my old house and what made matters worse was that same night after the feelings came on, I received a phone call from my mom bawling her eyes out for me to move back home. This was the exact moment in my life I first experienced depression. The next few days (June 30th - July 4th) were the worst days of my life. I had constant feelings of sadness, guilt, terror, extreme anxiety, depression, not wanting to be alone, no appetite, no interests in anything, hating my new surroundings, whatever you wanna call it, I had it. I tried going to work during these days but had to leave due to the way I felt. I had to eventually go to the emergency room because of inflammation of the cartilage around my breast bone (was told due to emotional stress). EKG was negative & my heart is healthy) Anyway, these feelings of depression and anxiety I got over these few days were so overwhelming I seriously considered suicide and had thoughts of picking the method to do so. Everytime the suicidal thoughts arose I talked myself down though. I spoke to a counselor who did not help. She tried something called EMDR which was useless. For the next few weeks (July 5th - 28th), I still didnt go back to work but my symptoms lessened after seeing a psychotherapist recommended to me by my girlfriends parents.He set up an appointment with who he says is one of the best psychiatrist in the area specializing in medicine. I also saw my GP who ran tests for problems with my thyroid which came back negative. He prescribed Effexor and ativan to help with my depression and anxiety. I had panic attacks in the past and was given xanax but would freak myself out after taking it which caused more panic because I don't like feeling drugged. This fear is why I did not take the effexor. I tried the .50 of ativan and is helps but am still reluctant to take it because of the feeling it gives me. So for these few weeks I did notice a big improvement. I still did not want to be away from my girlfriend or be alone but there were no more suicidal thoughts and the feelings did not last the whole day. I did / do dream everynight since my depression and during the time frame mentioned above, I would always wake up with a surge of anxiety and depression which would go away after awhile. As evening approached I would feel like my normal self again just mentally cloudy and tired which I fount strange. I also noticed that things were looking very different like the trees and my surroundings which I was told was derealization. I wanna note that During this time I rarely talked to my family or anyone else. I would get calls everyday but just ignore them. I still fount no interest in things I use to love and had no motivation.  Ok now the good part, from July 28 until now I wake up feeling normal but a couple hours early than I want to and I do still dream every night. It's ok if my GF isnt here. I get a little rush of bad feelings when I am alone but its only for a few seconds. I don't really feel depressed that much anymore although I do still think about my parents house from time to time. I still have a little anxiety but feel the most normal I have since this whole thing started. I still have no interest in calling people or going many places unless I have to. I am back at work. I still feel foggy in my mind but everyday it has gotten better. I have been under a ton of stress at work which I have managed and also fount out my godmother who I am VERY close too had a heart attack and is in the hospital. I though for sure because of the state of mind I have been in that I would slip back into that sever depression I felt the first couple of days but I haven't.  I researched my symptoms and am about 75% sure I am going through adjustment disorder aka situational depression. I read it usually lasts 3 - 6 months and has all the symptoms of regular long lasting depression but will pass over time. I see the psychiatrist recommended to me on Thursday and am terrified I will be put on meds when I possibly dont need them. Hi, my name is John. I truly thank you for taking your time to read my post. It may be long but I really hope you read it and maybe have some experience. Pay attention to the dates I list because this has happened just over the last month and a half.

I am 30 years old and have lived with my mom and stepdad all my life. I have a very very close relationship with my mom who raised me as a single mother (never knew my father and it never bother me). For two years my girlfriend has lived at my parents house with me along with my sister and her boyfriend and our families 2 cats and dog. It was a busy household and I loved it. In May of this year, my girlfriend and I decided it was time to look for a house and start a new life together. We fount one we loved less than a mile from both our parents house. We closed on it on June 25th! 

I was super excited and on cloud nine. I had a house of my own with the girl I love and financial stability to afford it. I bought all kind of new furniture, big screen TV's, etc to fill up this 4 bedroom house. Family came and helped me move in and everything was great and falling into place. For the first couple of days (June 26 - 28th)  it was awesome with friends coming over and pure enjoyment of owning my own place. Well on the 3rd day to be exact, I started to miss my old house and what made matters worse was that same night after the feelings came on, I received a phone call from my mom bawling her eyes out for me to move back home. This was the exact moment in my life I first experienced depression. The next few days (June 30th - July 4th) were the worst days of my life. I had constant feelings of sadness, guilt, terror, extreme anxiety, depression, not wanting to be alone, no appetite, no interests in anything, hating my new surroundings, whatever you wanna call it, I had it. I tried going to work during these days but had to leave due to the way I felt. I had to eventually go to the emergency room because of inflammation of the cartilage around my breast bone (was told due to emotional stress). EKG was negative & my heart is healthy) Anyway, these feelings of depression and anxiety I got over these few days were so overwhelming I seriously considered suicide and had thoughts of picking the method to do so. Everytime the suicidal thoughts arose I talked myself down though. I spoke to a counselor who did not help. She tried something called EMDR which was useless.

For the next few weeks (July 5th - 28th), I still didnt go back to work but my symptoms lessened after seeing a psychotherapist recommended to me by my girlfriends parents.He set up an appointment with who he says is one of the best psychiatrist in the area specializing in medicine. I also saw my GP who ran tests for problems with my thyroid which came back negative. He prescribed Effexor and ativan to help with my depression and anxiety. I had panic attacks in the past and was given xanax but would freak myself out after taking it which caused more panic because I don't like feeling drugged. This fear is why I did not take the effexor. I tried the .50 of ativan and is helps but am still reluctant to take it because of the feeling it gives me. So for these few weeks I did notice a big improvement. I still did not want to be away from my girlfriend or be alone but there were no more suicidal thoughts and the feelings did not last the whole day. I did / do dream everynight since my depression and during the time frame mentioned above, I would always wake up with a surge of anxiety and depression which would go away after awhile. As evening approached I would feel like my normal self again just mentally cloudy and tired which I fount strange. I also noticed that things were looking very different like the trees and my surroundings which I was told was derealization. I wanna note that During this time I rarely talked to my family or anyone else. I would get calls everyday but just ignore them. I still fount no interest in things I use to love and had no motivation. 

Ok now the good part, from July 28 until now I wake up feeling normal but a couple hours early than I want to and I do still dream every night. It's ok if my GF isnt here. I get a little rush of bad feelings when I am alone but its only for a few seconds. I don't really feel depressed that much anymore although I do still think about my parents house from time to time. I still have a little anxiety but feel the most normal I have since this whole thing started. I still have no interest in calling people or going many places unless I have to. I am back at work. I still feel foggy in my mind but everyday it has gotten better. I have been under a ton of stress at work which I have managed and also fount out my godmother who I am VERY close too had a heart attack and is in the hospital. I though for sure because of the state of mind I have been in that I would slip back into that sever depression I felt the first couple of days but I haven't.  I researched my symptoms and am about 75% sure I am going through adjustment disorder aka situational depression. I read it usually lasts 3 - 6 months and has all the symptoms of regular long lasting depression but will pass over time. I see the psychiatrist recommended to me on Thursday and am terrified I will be put on meds when I possibly dont need them.

Since my depression started, I researched anti depressants and after reading so much about the bad of them, I am terrified to start them. I know when I start them that I will be sitting there waiting for them to kick in and freaking myself out. I am absolutely terrified of them. I know that everytime my body feels slightly different I will panic and think its the medicine. I know they wont hurt you but still am terrified of them. I am at a loss for what to do. Do I take the meds if he gives them to me or do I wait this out and hope its just adjustment disorder? I cannot say enough how terrified I am of starting an antidepressantSince my depression started, I researched anti depressants and after reading so much about the bad of them, I am terrified to start them. I know when I start them that I will be sitting there waiting for them to kick in and freaking myself out. I am absolutely terrified of them. I know that everytime my body feels slightly different I will panic and think its the medicine. I know they wont hurt you but still am terrified of them. I am at a loss for what to do. Do I take the meds if he gives them to me or do I wait this out and hope its just adjustment disorder? I cannot say enough how terrified I am of starting an antidepressant

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