Sexual Abuse

I am a sex abuse survivor of a priest.  I was abused at the same age you were.  I never forgot the sexual assaults but life got busy and they were moved to the background of my life.  At age 42 enough dots were connected that I emerged as a victim and filed a civil case and eventually prevailed in court.  I also was involved in a criminal case where I prevailed.  The perpetrator recently die incarcerated.  

While emerging on the subject of sexual assault I helped start a support group in the Boston area for abuse survivors or clergy (SNAPnetwork.org).  Over many years I have spoken with many hundreds of people on this topic.

Your story played out similar to many.  They are abused young.  They go along with the abuse because at the time the label abuse was not in your vocabulary.  You where an innocent, trusting kid.  It took years before you even uttered the word abuse..

Now what?  Depending on the state you are in you might beable to file a lawsuit but maybe not.  In some states medical professional are protected.  As a result those states have the most perpetrators.

How can I support you move forward?  As a victim you are in a unique position to use that experience to elevate you higher than where the shame is driving you.

Because of the power differencial you can not be on a level playing ground with that doctor.  What you experienced might have had a sexual component but it was not concentual. 

Once you go go public with your story with a therapist or other your statutes of limitations clock starts ticking.  So, if you think you are outside of your statues and have a case I would see a lawyer to confirm. 

Coming forward with a law suit was the best thing I ever did for myself.  If you need to email or need support contact me directly.

My best and take care of yourself,

Dave A

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You really need help to be able to deal with these feelings.

Don't forget though you are the victim here and you did absolutely nothing wrong and nothing to warrant the abuse you suffered.

If you are in the UK then you have the option of trying to get a referral from a GP or as anywhere else in the world the option of going private and paying for the counselling.

Having had to use private services in the UK I can say it is around £40-£50ph. A fair amount of money per session but money which would be very well spent.

I do hope you find a counsellor to help you begin the process of recovering, if that is the right word, from this and begin to heal

The colonoscopy has provided an opportunity to have you witness an issue that could have been hidden for years.  I'm sure the nurse gets yelled at from others and she probably understands that the proceedure doesn't have people at their best.  Patients have also been deprived of food for about 24 hours which by itself can put someone on edge.

The mainstream population feels that sexual assualt victims are simply screwed up and need several lifetimes of therapy.  The truth of the matter is that some victims emerge to be survivors or even thrivers because they have used their bad experience to learn from. In one way it can actually be exciting to connect a few dots and start understanding what makes you tick.

In my case many have a wiser sence of the role religion plays in one's life.  Many no long participate in organized religion but some do.  

For you, it would be helpful for you to develop an appreciation for the service doctors provide because resistant to medical care (or examinations) could be life  threatening.  

For years I was listed on a nation hotline offering support to clergy abuse victims.  There seemed to be stages victims went through much like people greaving.  When you start becomeing aware of damages there can be a lot of mental energy on the topic.  But eventually you start to simply get used to things with your new found awareness.  The interesting thing with sexual assault is that it seems like your sense of awareness evolves.  It's like you never completely get to the end of discovery.

One of the most common symtoms of sexual assault victims is substance abuse.  Some survivors can become sexually promisquous while others are very turned off by any sexual encounter.  Some develop a kind of oppositinoal defiance making it hard to work for anyone who is a superior over them.  Clergy abuse victims sometimes have trouble with psychotherapists because in a way they are like secular priests.

So, there is a lot of mystery on the subject but even having a name on it can bring some joy.

Sexual assault is often the result of a "culture" supporting the behavior.  There is rarely one victim.  A sexual perpetrator doesn't just abuse one person.  In fact, statistics have shown that by the time the first person emerges over 100 have been victomized.  Sexual assault is one of the mose under reported crimes.

There is a possiblity that you could come forward legally.  That that would accomplish is put the hospital on notice that it has in the past suppoted such behavior.  The the perpetrator still alive?

A lot depends on your state and the laws that goven statues of limitations.  But, usually statues state when the victim becomes away of damages.  In  your case it hasn't been that long. 

It all depends on what state you are in since the laws are different.

You might find value in seeing the movie Spotlight.  Even though it's about the Catholic sexual abuse scandal in Boston it shows how a culture can support such behavior.  FYI:  I was one of the first victims to emerge in the Boston Diocese sex abuse scandal and what has ended up as a movie I helped cause in real life.

Let me know what state you live in sense service can be available to you.  I'm connected with a lot of lawyers nationally who specialize on sexual assault litagation.  You might not want to sue the hospital or medical practice but there might be some mental health services available through another source.

My best,

Dave L  

Self preservation is VERY important at this time.  I would recommend that you contact your local rape crisis center for starters.  They are funded locally and it should not cost you anything.  Do this for starters. They are experts in this field.

Male Survivor I doubt will have someone local.  If they do then it's by chance.  They offer a bulletin board where people post their stories much like you did on this site.  The advantage of Male Survivor is that you will get opinion from other men who have been abused.  Maybe referrals.

Let me explain something that might be helpful:  There is 'repressed' memory and 'supressed' memory.  Repressed memory is when after a traumatic event you have no recollection of the event until many years later when it bubbles to the surface and hits you like a ton of bricks.  This usually happens to people who have been abused before adolesence but not always.

Suppressed memory is more common.  It's when the victim never forgets the event but it goes on the back burner of life because, quite frankly, other things are more demanding happen; going to college, getting married, having kids, etc.  Then at a certain time connections are made, you have seen something on TV or at the movies or read about sexaul assault, and suddently you have a lightbulb moment and you realize that because of an event many years ago you are dealing with painful events or behaviors now.  That is often when you get a strong energy flow of emotions.

DO NOT CALL THE CLINIC OR THE FORMER EMPLOYER OF THE DOCTOR.  If you do that will be the biggest mistake you will make.  

If you do then you are putting them at notice and the next call that they will make is their defense attorney.  You will end up speaking with a very nice person who sounds very understanding but the phone call will be recorded and you will be asked questions that will trap you into possibly revealing information that will disquaify you from filing a civil case.  This happens all the time.  Unfortunately, this is the job of a defense attorney.  They are paid very well to discredit a claim.

You could be asked, "Did you even tell anyone that you had this uncomfortable experience years ago?"  If you have even told a therapist in the past then those records will be asked for and most likely your case will be as good as nothing.

Now, if you think you need leagal representation you need to deal with a lawyer that specializes in rape cases and not a real estate attorney.  You have some good ones in your area (I'm assuming you are in Washington state).  But it's a specialized service and not all of them are good.  What is the nearest largest city to you?

If you file a case you can do so as a John Doe.  That would protect your publically. 

The lawyer will know if other claims have been made against your perpetrator.  The fact that you think there have been claims suggest that something has been public.  Perpetrators never abuse 1 person.  Eventually someone says something.

When this subject starts bubbling up like it is with you it will hit you like a tsunami.  It might not be all that bad of an idea to tell your wife since she could be a comfort to you.  It could also explain some issues with your marriage if you have any.  I've only heard it as a positive thing to do.  In your case it could be ideal since your wife always has an inner understanding of the subject.

You have to take care of yourselve NOW.  It might be best for you to talk to a rape crisis consuler but you don't want her to WRITE DETAILS DOWN.   Trust me on this. If you ever file a case those rececords will be asked for.  It could be damaging   In my case the stupid therapist made mistakes and mixed me up with other clients.  

If you want to find a GOOD lawyer I can find someone in your area since I know someone who is part of a network of lawyers in the country who handle these kind of cases.  They are very specialized.  There is absolutely no obligation on any level.  You just want to make sure you get a good lawyer and not some whack job. Beleive me, there are those out there just like there are doctors.

Again, take care of yourself "NOW".  Think about it:  You have survived the worst; the abuse when it happened.  You are a lot older then when it happened.   You are a survivorr.  Back then you were a victim.  But, you need to incorporate this informatino into your life and continue with a producttive life.

Let me know your thoughts.  My best,

I can help you find a lawyer who specializes in these kind of cases.  At least you would know the state law.

I am actually a medical magazine publisher but I am also a commercial beekeeper; two very diverse professions but one balances out the other.

I volunteer my time for a law firm in Dallas and mentor (they calling it handling) their clients.  In other words, I make myself available when the clients need someone's hand to hold.  I do this because I was that person once and appreciated those who helped me.  

The way it works with an attorney is that you want what is called a contingency attorney. They don't charge you any fee but if they get a settlement they will take 30% - 40% of the settlement. That is common practice with in the legal industry.

I wish you were near Dallas, TX because I would refer you to my friend, Tahira Khan Merritt but most attorneys who specialize in sexual assault cases are very nurturing.  

The best thing I ever did was come forward civially against my abuser.  It was like a magical experience since it showed me what I was really made of.   As I have mentioned I have taken that courage and used it for enviromental issues, town politics, etc.

My friend, Tahira, belongs to a network of lawyers who specialize in these cases.  The occasionally meet at a national conferences and are connected online.

I can provide you with the name of the "go to" lawyer on this subject in Washington state.  It won't cost you any more for the best lawyer to do your fighting for you. That is where they earn the 30% - 40%.

So it's easier for you to travel what city is near you.  I have little knowkedge of Washington other than the Seattle area.

Untimately, you will have the final decision whether or not you like the attorney or you think they can get the job down.  I highly recommend being fussy.  You have to trust your intuition.  There is nothing wrong with shopping around for an attorney to represent you.  But, you want a specialist and not a multi-use attorney who does car wreak cases in their free time.  Sexual assualt is very unique just like product liability and other specialities.

So, if you want me to provide you with one or a few names of lawyers in your area let me know.  It might take a couple of days but I want to make sure they are the best in your area.  Are you near Seattle?