Starting to feel like I’m nuts
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Hi,
so i've always struggled a bit with anxiety and depression since being a teen (i'm now 30) but wasn!t medicated until my second pregnancy in 2015 for severe anxiety bc i had a miscarriage a couple months before i concieved again
anyway, fast forward to 2018.. i finally talked to my dr about meds bc i was legit on the verge of having a nervous break down from my anxiety always being bad. i started on celexa 10mg and actually loved how it made me feel, but i maxed out on my dose (40-50mg maybe? idr) after gradually increasing it over a year's time,
from there i was weaned off celexa and put on fluox (prozac) 20mg and didnt feel any different and was constantly depressed and failing all my online classes, so my dr doubled my dose and tried me on vyvanse for my ADD to help me with school (i took adderall for years as a child and hated it, so i asked to try something else)
well, vyvanse had me feeling manic almost after two weeks and i had a hysterical meltdown at a family bbq randomly and thats when i decided to quit taking the vyvanse.
As for the fluox increase, i felt soooo good the first week or so and had tons of energy that i was not used to having.. like ever, and now i'm on my 6th week on 40mg, sometimes i still have some energy in the morning but by the afternoon, im super moody again and i can definitely notice that my anxiety is gradually getting worse and my mood swings are getting worse too and i have no patience with a very short temper and snapping at my kids just for things like talking too much or just walking in my office while i'm at my desk and i'm really starting to notice my behavior from my kids complaining that im always mad and the guilt is really starting to eat at me bc i had a mom who was bipolar and manic sometimes and i neverrrrr wanted to be like her. My husband is really the only person who keeps me sane bc hes used to dealing with my stupid moods, but sometimes i feel like i'm drowning in my own body and lay in bed all day asking baby jesus to take me bc i get so tired of hurting mentally and my head racing over paranoia and things i shouldn't be so bothered by. i drive myself crazy sometimes in my head and i really hope someone says theyve been through this too bc i'm so tired... sometimes i do want to die but i'm too chicken to try anything and i don't want to leave my family and put them through that. i've lost two loved ones to suicide and i can't bear the thought if putting them through that pain.
i started counseling two weeks ago to help me cope better but ive only had two sessions so idk. i used to cope by smoking marijuana, especially at night to help me tackle my insomnia, but when i got real depressed a couple months ago i was smoking all day and at night to numb my self-hatred until i got sick (google told me possibly seretonin syndrome, so i had to take a tolerance break and it was a nightmare trying to sleep melatonin gives me night terrors, so i can't take it. Also, my memory is so awful and i'm having a hard time remembering if my dreams are just dreams or real life occurances (when they're more normal)
im going to my dr tomorrow to adjust my meds.
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