Help and advice please

Hi all

I am hoping someone can give me some advice, I've been on this site for a long time and find it helpful and hopefully helped others along the way.

Back in 2010 ( 31 ) I injured my back, was doing light gardening work. At first I thought I had torn a muscle, over a few weeks the pain got worse for me, eventually I could hardly get up and when I was up I couldn't stand straight. I eventually went of to see my GP, who sent me to A&E as I also had leg pain and loss of sensation around my bum, I had an MRI and I was told this was all clear, however they kept me In for just over 3 weeks just upping my morphine levels and adding drugs, I did some physio. The pain never went but the drugs did help take the edge of it.

My surgeon I was under decided I had a conversion disorder, where the mind plays tricks on you for some reason or the other, and sent me to see the psychiatry team, I thought ok well if it is and it helps then I have nothing to loose. The psychiatric team sore me and said I was mentally stable and on there eyes the problem isn't in my mind and I needed further investigation.

My Surgeon made me feel totally like I was wasting time and resources and eventually I got to a point where I discharged my self. They sent me on my way with the pain meds and I kept these up and tried to manage as best I could.

In 2012-early 2013, I went to see a extended physio privatly, my GP referred me for a private MRI so I could go in with new imaging, they also managed to get hold of my original MRI from 2010. Before he even examined me he brought up my images from 2010, and said he was shocked I had been brushed aside as it was obvious to him that I had bulges in l3/4/5 and S1 and a anular tare, he asked one of his colleges to come in who was a surgeon and they compared the 2 scans, over the years the bulges had got bigger as had the tare.

He referred me back on to the NHS and I was seen by a different surgeon, this was done within 2 days. The surgeon agreed with there findings and he was concerned I had developed Caudia equina, he operated and did a multi level discectomy. Sadly this failed and I ended up having a spinal fusion over those levels. At first I was amazed by how much my pain had gone, apart from the back being sore and being tired from a 11hr operation, I was up and walking 2 days after.

About 6 months on I started to get pain in my back again and this time I had horrible pain on both legs and feet and my toes had gone numb, the surgeon scanned me and he advised that sadly the fusion had moved slightly and in his eyes they couldn't do anything as to remove it could make me paralysed. He referred me on to guys hoapital and suggested a spinal cord stimulator might work.

I waited a year to eventually get the operation but sadly this failed and the specialist said my pain was to far spread and that I have large amounts of scar tissue causing some of the pain, they decided that pain medication is the only way forward.

Now I am taking 300mg of pregablin 2 x a day, 60mg of codine 2 x. A day, amertryptilin 100mg 2 x a day, diazapam 10mg 3 x a day. Duloxatine 60mg 1 x a day.

Oxcodine quick release 20mg every 4-6 hrs. He has recently changed me from targinact to something called topentidol 200mg 2 x a day, he said the reason for change is that targinact is very expensive in the U.K.

Now all I get is dry mouth, dizziness, sleepy but can't sleep , but again I am only getting some help from the pain meds.

I will be totally honest I am now 38, I have 2 young kids 3 and 7, the last 2 weeks since the spinal cord stimulator failed I have become so down, depressed, I have dark thought and just want it all to end. I barely get 3 hrs a night which is disturbed sleep.

How can I get through this, I am seeing my GP to tell her my feelings and the thoughts I am having. But I have made plans on ways to end it, but luckily I go to photos of my kids and this stops me from doing anything silly.

Just to add, I have had a kidney removed due to a congenital problem, I have had 2 knee operations due to falls and I damaged both knees, I had my prostate removed last year as I had prostititus and multiple try's to get it to reduce failed so they removed it, I also had to have a circumcision last year as when I had the prostate operation my for skin didn't return and they said I needed a circumcision, the surgeon made a right hash of it, and I become septic, they did a second one and cleaned the infection, for me to have my 1 yr follow up a few weeks ago to be told I need further surgery as it still doesn't retract, sadly my wife and I are not intermate anymore as my pain makes it to hard.

Sorry for the long post but I am reaching out hoping someone can help and give advice.

I am trying to keep it together but am struggling with everything that's gone on over the last 6 + yrs.

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