Hello?? Anybody there? I'm desperate!!

Hi there!! Thanks for reply. Yes I've told him and he's devastated. Says he loves me and wants to look after me. I feel so guilty because I do love him but some traits he has bring out terrible anxiety in me. He can be immature and even his mom tells him he spoils himself at the age of 42!! He says inappropriate things sometimes and says vulgar stuff which is not how I am at all. I'm private and quiet and don't like confrontation in sny form. Even when he's driving he rants n raves at other drivers and I just feel so on edge. He an be hyper at times and I can't relax. Don't get me wrong. He does have lots of good points,but it's the not knowing which behaviour he gonna do at what time? Am I making sense? I'm so sad to end it but my anxiety is bad when around him.

You've done the right thing and the most difficult part is over.

He'll only get worse as he gets older not better. Better to have your sanity and good mental health than stay in an abusive relationship.

If tha'ts his kind of love and being looked after you are better without his kind of love and caring.

You will be sad but life will get better.

I'm going to sound unkind now but the only person he loves is himself. He's losing you and he trots out the "I love you please don't leave me!".scenario. In my opinion it's all about him. You say he has good points but do they outweight his failings? Failings that make you live in a state of fearful tension? I doubt it.

This is vital moment. You have taken the big step and now you have to find in you the courage to see it through because the truth is, good points or not, he is not making you happy, far from.

I told you that life is a gift. Every day you spend with him is a day wasted and you deserve better than that. You owe it to yourself to enjoy your life, be carefree.

I hope you are not swayed by his declarations of love and I hope you realize that if you choose to stay,  nothing will change, he will not change. Men like that never do.

Thank you Helen, trouble is I've had a volatile angry father and as a child I walked on eggshells so now I over criticise and am looking for signs of danger. I feel sometimes like he's gonna kick off any minute. Even his own mom tells him he's behaving childish and then he gets really angry towards her and the room goes awkward and silent and I'm squirming!! Should I just try and ignore it? Me and him have different limits of appropriate public behaviour and it will not change , I've tried to talk to him before but he still cannot change his personality and I can't expect him to. It's me who has the problem. I'm feeling trapped and uneasy in his company, I feel ok when he's gone to work! He's never hit me or been violent to me, but I did witness him being angry and violent to my friends fella when he was drunk one new yrs eve... And I forgave him cz he was so sorry but I just can't forget that it's still in him, he was very nasty that night and I was actually scared of him, usually he treats me good. Loving and caring and is broken hearted at me saying I may have to call it s day. He said he thinks that even if we split it will not solve my anxiety and I'll just find something else to get anxious about, but I need peace. I don't know what to do. What do you think? Is it just me??

Why are you blaming yourself honey? Why? It's not about you being over critical because your father was volatile at all. You say you cannot expect him to change. Well no, such is his nature. That speaks volumes about him as a human being.  You use the excuse that you cannot expect him to change, that you are the one with the problem. He's got you believing that you are the problem. Aw honey, the biggest problem you have is HIM!

It is despicable that he voices an opinion that your anxiety will not be solved by leaving him. He's usinhg your fears to essentially blackmail you into staying. The fact that you have a measure of peace when he is at work should tell you something. Think of the peace you would have if he was out of your life!

Yes he's sorry after. They're all sorry after. But it doesn't stop them flying into rages over and over again.

Be strong, please, please get out from under him and stay away from him. And if you get away don't go back, even if he starts "courting" you all over again with flowers and love messages and promises to change. He won't change if he gets you back. He is as he is and nothing will alter that.

We are all desperately trying to help you because we care and we are all worried about you!

Hi tess!! Thanks for replying. Yes he does scare me but he also promises and reassures me that he will never kick off or harm me and only wants to look after me, yet I have seen his anger in past and it was out of control. Also heard he head butted his ex wife. I'm looking for signs and trying to avoid certain situations that could possibly become dangerous, therefore I'm not at ease when out with him. I'm unsure if it's just my over sensitive ways and if I'm throwing something good away bcus he really does adore me, I'm so confused.

 Wow What a wonderful heartwarming and encouraging response! It blew me away! Felt tearful. You should be proud  of yourself too !!!

Thank you for your lovely reply. I am so very pleased that I could help, and that you heard me, heard all of us. I would hate to see your life wasted on someone you are waaaaaaay too good for. Your self esteem had been wounded and now it sounds like you are remembering who you are and what you are worth. Go out and celebrate yourself! Please keep in touch, Helen.

I wanted to add something, Helen. Some people will try to talk you out of leaving and getting on with you life. Don't let them!!!! The sister I told you about went back the last time because a trusted girlfriend talked her into it. As a result, he almost killed her, and attacked a daughter he had never touched before. An abuser is an abuser. Some get help and change, but the statistics say most never do...they just get worse.

I used to volunteer  at a couple of battered/abused women's shelters. I  saw first hand and heard first hand that going back can be a very, very dangerous thing to do...no matter how many times they say they are sorry and will never do it again.

I'm not sure that psychological abuse isn't worse than physical. Physical, at least can be proven. Psychological cannot. Those people, men AND women, are very, very clever.

A friend or even a family member may mean well in trying to mend the unmendable....love them but do not let yourself be talked into self destruction, or into defending your decision... by anyone! We are all behind you and here if you need us. Hugs

Wise words! She is obviously living on tenterhooks, wondering when his temper will surface and that is no way to live. It diminishes her quality of life and one day that anger will turn on her. He controls her using fear. It's despicable and she needs to get out of that relationship.

I agree that psychological abuse is as bad as if not worse than physical abuse.. It undermines confidence in one's self and such people find themselves desperately trying to "please " the abuser, to keep the peace. How awful is that?

I have to add that I always read ( and re-read) your comments first. Your understanding and common sense puts things into perspective. when one feels panic stricken or frightened. It is very calming. You have a gentleness and strength, a rare combination.

Thank you for those very kind words. Part of what you see is a newfound compassion from the recent introduction of anxiety into my own life.As a human being, as a counselor, I never knew, never understood, until I experienced it. I truly believe that unless one has been in this place, true understanding is impossible.

My doctor is a kind, patient, excellent doctor, but I see that I could never really get him to understand. Fortunately, he believed what I told him I was experiencing, and prescribed the right med first time out. (he nor I knew what it was at that time. It was here that I learned what it is.) He still doesn't get it, but he listens and responds, which many medical people will not do. He raised my dosage twice just because I asked him to and told him why. It is perfect now.

From my new perspective, my heart has been broken open in a new way. I felt absolutely blessed to find this forum and all you lovely, caring people. i have learned a great deal from all of you. My heart so goes out to the multi millions of people with this terrible problem, that when I answer some of the one's who come here, tears are rolling down my face while I type. Reading your replies to those panic stricken people, I know that you know what I mean.

I can't tell you how much your comment means to me, to have it confirmed that I have been of help. You are an angel, Helen.

Helen, did I send a couple of replies to the wrong person? How embarrassing. It isn't the first time I've done it. Maybe that's why they have this imogee available....? I've gottan a few myself that took me a minute to figure out what happened. it makes one read everything to see if there's a message you in someone else's "mail box." Oh well, a little humility never hurts. I'll laugh about it in a minute or two...after I get over not being perfect.

Time to join the Dementia Forum, Cia..............

ANXY!!!  I was in an abusive relationship once, many years ago. My own parents were happily married so I was aghast and could not understand at all when my first husband started beating me up. I never once thought I'd done anything wrong, although he told me many times that I had.

Thanks to my older sister, I finally left him, with our two young children. I had left and gone back SO MANY TIMES. I later discovered that this is a typical pattern in abused women. The average number of times a woman leaves an abusive man is seven, before she finally leaves for good.

Some never leave. Some stay because they can't summon up the mental and physical energy to go.

And some are murdered.

Anxy, when was the last time he hit you, or pushed you, or put his hands on you in a threatening way?

Please get out of this - you'll feel so much better once you do. I eventually remarried and had two more children, and all these years later, we are stilll happy. That doesn't mean you have to find another man - but lots of women do, and make a much better choice the second time round. And of course, plenty of women remain single and are perfectly happy in their own skin.

love to you    from Tess

Well now, there's you replying to the wrong person and me "talking " to my anxiety symptoms! It's a shame to waste two houses between us, lol. Fear not, dear friend, you are perfect..as am I...and you can believe me on that. I am NEVER wrong! I thought I was wrong once but I was wrong..

Your replies "hug" us all as we struggle along so carry on..we need you!

I love this response! You fly the flag for all the poor abused women out there, bless you. Stories such as yours give hope and encouragement to all those who are fearful of their partners and feel trapped.

That you found the strength to escape and eventually make a new and happy life is a testament to your courage

Thanks so much. It will mean I have to tell him to leave and that's hard to do as he says he would do anything for means he can never be happy without me,he's never hit me or been violent to me, but he is still quite hyper at times and he has different boundaries to me, I find this hard a so feel like I'm gonna get the blame bcus of his behaviour. I can't control his ways only my own, and I need to have peace. I'm constantly on edge watching and expecting the worst. I'm not enjoying my life anymore. It is clouded by must of anxiety and confusion.

Well now you've done it. Truly, of all the laughter in my life, I'm not sure anything ever struck me so funny. What a glorious laugh, and painful. I was laughing so hard I was rocking back and forth, and whacked my head on the table...which of course set me off even more. It was the kind of laugh one needs to recover from. Writing that set me off again. Have you ever laughed so hard people around you started laughing? My whole neighborhood should be hysterical by now. There I go again...I may laugh all day.... so...You...will be responsable for all errors and messages sent to the wrong people.  It just took me two minutes to spell people right. Oh, god....I have to get out of here.

Go make an egg sandwich, Cia!

Thanks, Tess. You made me realize I was hungry and haven't eaten yet, so I popped a bacon, egg and cheese mini pizza in the oven.....(I did consider an egg sandwich.)