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I'm so exhausted I just want it to end.

Posted , 11 users are following.

audrey96558
audrey96558

I'm not saying I want to die I just want it all to end... Not sure that makes sense.

Every time I think I'm getting a grip on things something comes along and knocks me off course again.

I have the whole depression/anxiety spectrum really... PTSD, OCD, insomnia, GAD, panic attacks, also IBS and nausea, and it seems I can never get them all under control.

The insomnia is the worst at the moment, I just lie awake every night with my thoughts. My all consuming, head spinning, mind racing thoughts. I think through past situations and what I could have done differently, thinking about each possible consequence in turn. Then I do the same with things that might happen. Then I do the same with things that are unlikely to ever happen (say what I would do in the event of a tsunami, I live in England so this is highly improbable!). I know that rationally but I can't stop my mind racing... Where nearest to me is the highest ground I should head for? What should I take with me? Then I can actually picture how I'd climb out of my house onto the roof and wait to be rescued.

I know logically this is so unlikely it's silly, but I just seem to go through every possible eventuality of every possible situation, whether the mundane day to day going to the shops or some kind of epic disaster movie scenario.

It's exhausting.

I've tried everything to help me sleep at home, I've done the whole setting alarms and making myself get up even when I've only had 2 hours sleep , doesn't work I just again go to bed at a "normal" time, lie awake all night and get up exhausted again. I've tried relaxation tapes, hot baths, reading, yoga, everything I can think of. Also done all of the sleep hygiene/mindfulness techniques you learn in CBT. Does absolutely nothing.

I'm actually waking up having panic attacks because I've had such awful nightmares, my heart is pounding, I'm in a cold sweat and I feel so nauseas...

I've tried every tablet my doctor has offered, none of them have worked. I've done CBT, seen counsellors, seen a psychiatrist and am on my second round of psychology.

I only get a set number of sessions with the psychologist which just is so nonsensical. We were actually getting somewhere but I've had all my allotted sessions so that's it, I'm on my own again with no support, even though my psychologist thinks I need way more appointments there's nothing he can do. That's just the system.

So back on the year long waiting list I go.

And I guess this time round I just don't feel like I've got another year left in me to wait. I just don't think I can do it this time.

My partner is disabled and continues to get worse, my parents are going through a brutal divorce of which I've somehow become the focus of my fathers anger and so I regularly get abuse.

I've just been diagnosed with pernicious anaemia as well which isn't a big deal its just another thing I've got going on.

I'm so exhausted looking after my partner, even though I adore him, and protecting my mother from my fathers horribleness, I just can't face things any more.

I'm so quick to tears and I just want to stay in bed and hide and hope somebody comes and rescues me. But I know nobody is coming.

I'm driving myself crazy trying to think of a way out of my situation, but I can't and I'm so frustrated and angry. But I'm also lonely and scared.

I'm running out of ideas as to how to keep going.

2 likes, 24 replies

24 Replies

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  • patricia44773
    patricia44773 audrey96558

    Posted

    I am so sorry.  Your story has touched me so much and I wish with all my heart I could help you.  All I can do is tell you that my thoughts are with you and hope that things change for you.   It isn't fair that you have so much on your shoulders.

    Keep posting and let us know how you are please.

    Pat xxxx

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 patricia44773

      Posted

      Thank you that is so kind.

      It really means a lot.

      I'm just exhausted, I guess depression is one of those things you don't really get a holiday from you know? Plus everything I have going on in my life...

      Feels like I'm running a marathon every day without the chance to stop for a breath and rest before the next one...

      Hate feeling this way but it means a lot to have people out there who care.

      Thank you.

      Hope you are well, take care of you.

      xxxx

    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 audrey96558

      Posted

      Oh bless you.

      You are a truly beautiful person and this shouldn't be happening to you, it tears me apart.

      You have enough to contend with, I find it hard to understand how you are coping with depression as well. 

      I am angry that you aren't getting more treatment, Audrey.  I live in England too, and I am disappointed that you are struggling to find the help you need.  It's disgusting.

      I DO care my friend, I really do.  If only I had a magic wand!!

      Keep strong....because you ARE strong and you deserve better.  I have a strong belief that you reap what you sow.  All will be well.

      Big hugs,

      Patxxx

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 patricia44773

      Posted

      I know it's a disgrace really, if I had more fight left in me I'd be writing letters and complaining about the shocking lack of mental health care, but I'm too exhausted and too stressed to do so.

      I guess maybe that's the problem?

      If we were all people who were mentally well but say had broken arms that weren't getting treated there'd probably be a load of people kicking up a fuss and demanding something gets sorted.

      But the problem is we are all in the same boat. I feel like I need an advocate, someone to speak up for me when I can barely speak for myself and kick people up the bum into getting something done.

      Surely I shouldn't have to rely on charity and you kind souls on here as my only support? Surely the NHS should be stepping in?

      Just another all too often, all too sad case of the NHS be over stretched and understaffed/underfunded.

      Thank you so much for your concern, it is so sweet.

      Believe me just a few kind words from people like you really brighten my day.

      xxxx

  • Vantell
    Vantell audrey96558

    Posted

    I'm so sorry you're going through such horrible times. It seems you've gone through everything with no positive outcome sad clutching at straws here (you may think I've lost my marbles slightly) but have you tried hypnosis? I only say because I know there are some successful methods out there that help people quit bad habits such as smoking, phobias etc. So maybe there is something to help stop you feeling afraid/anxious of what will probably never come/exist.

    I get this way when I've sunk so far into depression I can no longer see the light. It's a horrible and lonely place but even now being as low as I am I know there is always a way forward. It's just hard to find sometimes. Whatever you do decide I really hope you find some peace of mind as everyone deserves happiness... And break!

    Sending love and hugs

    xoxo

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 Vantell

      Posted

      Agh thank you so much for your reply.

      I've thought about the whole alternative therapies route and I'm really open to it to be honest, just every time I bring it up with my GP they seem to laugh it off.

      I've seen my counsellor through a local carer's charity that I get today and he's offering to try and give me more appointments which is above and beyond and brilliant, he just can't promise them as of yet.

      I'm trying to stay focused on the light you know? Because I know it exists, it just seems to slip further out of my grasp if that makes any sense?

      I'm trying my best to keep on keeping on anyway.

      Thank you so much for your kind response, it really means a lot.

      I hope you are well.

      Take care and best wishes

      Xxxx

  • hypercat
    hypercat audrey96558

    Posted

    Hi Audrey.  I am not surprised you are feeling like this as anyone would buckle under what you have to cope with.  

    Have you looked into getting your father and partner more help so it lessens the burdon on you?  They might be able to get extra benefits etc. or be entitled to carers.  

    Failing all this I think you have to get your priorities straight.   You seem to be the one on whom the burdon of everyone is falling and that's not fair or right.   Your partner is your main priority.  You don't say whether you are working or have kids,  if so they are too.  

    You have to remove what stresses you can coz you will be no good to anyone if you crack up will you?   You need to lessen your burdon.  

    Do you have to protect your mother against your father?   Can't she protect herself more - after all she is his partner not you.   Do you have to take your fathers abuse?   Is there a way round it?   When you are in a situation like this it can be very difficult to see the wood for the trees,  but think what level of stress you can cope with and cut out what you can.  

    You have to do it for your own benefit as this is making you ill too.   This ridiculous level of reliance on you can't continue can it?

    Look after yourself love.   Bev xx 

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 hypercat

      Posted

      Hi,

      No we don't have kids, we've been told if we want them to "get it done" sooner rather than later as the proposed surgery for my partner could leave him infertile.

      It wasn't exactly the way we intended to start a family even though its what we've always wanted (we've been together nearly 7 years since we were both 17/18). Obviously neither of us expected life to throw this at us, partner was previously very very fit, had surgery that went wrong and now they're talking about wheelchairs and incontinence. He's only 25. It's heartbreaking.

      I know I'm trying to look after myself as I know I will be no good if I go well and truly under, I guess I just know in myself that whilst I can appear strong on the outside its all an act and I lie awake every night crying and thinking and then crying some more...

      I feel I do have to protect my mother. I'm an only child and you have no idea the depths my father sinks to... For example I was assaulted (unprovoked) so badly when I was younger that I got bruising to my brain and lost 50% vision in one eye, my dad now brings this up and tells me how it was all my fault. How I brought it on myself. How I brought my depression on myself. How his parents (now deceased) that I adored and were amazing and I cared for, never loved me. That kind of thing. Also all the expletives under the sun.

      I've always been seen as the strong one as I do my crying in private so I feel a strong urge to protect mother. She was so badly treated by my dad for so many years and its taken her so much to get this divorce I feel I need to take the burden from her and do as much as I can.

      It's hard though because despite everything horrible and vile he's done to me and my mother he's still my dad, and I don't feel like I can cut him out, so I keep taking the abuse.

      I know I'm relied on too heavily but some of that is my own making, when my loved ones have a problem I'm the first they call, the first person there and the first to start "fixing" things.

      That's my nickname in the family, "the fixer" and I don't particularly enjoy it. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I just stopped fixing things for a while.. So I do.. and then I'm left with an even bigger mess to clear up.

      I seem to have gotten myself into this cycle I'm finding so hard to break.

      I really don't know what to do.

      Thank you so much for your kindness and concern.

      Take care of you,

      xxxx

  • Dondons3
    Dondons3 audrey96558

    Posted

    Hey you, as you know I am completely rubbish at giving advice but i just want to say how amazing, loving and kind you are, I'm not surprised you're known as "the fixer" because you always take care of others before yourself, if I could be half the woman you are I'd be a happy girl!

    Thinking of you and hope you feel better real soon

    Sending Lots of love xxxxx

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 Dondons3

      Posted

      Thank you darling.

      Have had my phone off so I don't get dads abuse.

      Hope you are well my lovely,

      Remember how fab you are.

      Thanks for the support,

      Will text when I can.

      Take care my darling thinking of you too xxx

    • hypercat
      hypercat Dondons3

      Posted

      I am gonna smack you Dondon!  You are not rubbish at giving advice,  you are actually very understanding and helpful.  I know you don't think so but I am telling you you are wrong!  Ok?  Bev xx
    • Dondons3
      Dondons3 hypercat

      Posted

      Think maybe we'll Have to agree to disagree, but thank you bev xx

      Hope you're keeping well?

      Xxx

    • hypercat
      hypercat Dondons3

      Posted

      Well you are speaking through your depression and you know you can't trust you own thoughts then as they go skewrif!    

      I am quite well thanks (touch wood) Bev xx

  • claudia90123
    claudia90123 audrey96558

    Posted

    I feel for you, coming off therapy is horrible. You do stop feeling as though your crutch has been kicked away after a few weeks though, and it's easier. Also I've found in the past sometimes it's only after you stop and everything you've talked about starts to settle in that things click into place and make you feel better. Not always, but fingers crossed for you. 

    I'm late for work, so I can't say everything I want to (family ffs!) but just quickly, anaemia may not just be a side issue. Low iron can affect energy, mood, immune system and even stop you sleeping. I've had endless struggles trying to keep my levels at the bottom of hte normal range, but when it works it makes a huge difference. Try focusing on sorting out your anaemia first and see if it helps. 

    Also Kings Hospital is currently conducting trials on the role of gut bacteria in IBS, Crohns etc. I've been doing my own research (for CFS) and the theory is that we should have a huge variety of gut bacteria to get all the nutrients we need from food and protect us from disease, but the modern diet/medication is killing off lots of them and we only ever top up with one kind in yoghurt (lactobacillus sp). You might get relief by supplementing with a broader based probiotic.

    Ok, really late for work now. I know I haven't addressed the big problems, but sometimes it's a psychological help to start with the smaller things that you can actually fix. I hope today is ok for you x 

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