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I'm so exhausted I just want it to end.

Posted , 11 users are following.

audrey96558
audrey96558

I'm not saying I want to die I just want it all to end... Not sure that makes sense.

Every time I think I'm getting a grip on things something comes along and knocks me off course again.

I have the whole depression/anxiety spectrum really... PTSD, OCD, insomnia, GAD, panic attacks, also IBS and nausea, and it seems I can never get them all under control.

The insomnia is the worst at the moment, I just lie awake every night with my thoughts. My all consuming, head spinning, mind racing thoughts. I think through past situations and what I could have done differently, thinking about each possible consequence in turn. Then I do the same with things that might happen. Then I do the same with things that are unlikely to ever happen (say what I would do in the event of a tsunami, I live in England so this is highly improbable!). I know that rationally but I can't stop my mind racing... Where nearest to me is the highest ground I should head for? What should I take with me? Then I can actually picture how I'd climb out of my house onto the roof and wait to be rescued.

I know logically this is so unlikely it's silly, but I just seem to go through every possible eventuality of every possible situation, whether the mundane day to day going to the shops or some kind of epic disaster movie scenario.

It's exhausting.

I've tried everything to help me sleep at home, I've done the whole setting alarms and making myself get up even when I've only had 2 hours sleep , doesn't work I just again go to bed at a "normal" time, lie awake all night and get up exhausted again. I've tried relaxation tapes, hot baths, reading, yoga, everything I can think of. Also done all of the sleep hygiene/mindfulness techniques you learn in CBT. Does absolutely nothing.

I'm actually waking up having panic attacks because I've had such awful nightmares, my heart is pounding, I'm in a cold sweat and I feel so nauseas...

I've tried every tablet my doctor has offered, none of them have worked. I've done CBT, seen counsellors, seen a psychiatrist and am on my second round of psychology.

I only get a set number of sessions with the psychologist which just is so nonsensical. We were actually getting somewhere but I've had all my allotted sessions so that's it, I'm on my own again with no support, even though my psychologist thinks I need way more appointments there's nothing he can do. That's just the system.

So back on the year long waiting list I go.

And I guess this time round I just don't feel like I've got another year left in me to wait. I just don't think I can do it this time.

My partner is disabled and continues to get worse, my parents are going through a brutal divorce of which I've somehow become the focus of my fathers anger and so I regularly get abuse.

I've just been diagnosed with pernicious anaemia as well which isn't a big deal its just another thing I've got going on.

I'm so exhausted looking after my partner, even though I adore him, and protecting my mother from my fathers horribleness, I just can't face things any more.

I'm so quick to tears and I just want to stay in bed and hide and hope somebody comes and rescues me. But I know nobody is coming.

I'm driving myself crazy trying to think of a way out of my situation, but I can't and I'm so frustrated and angry. But I'm also lonely and scared.

I'm running out of ideas as to how to keep going.

2 likes, 24 replies

24 Replies

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  • claudia90123
    claudia90123 audrey96558

    Posted

    Dammit, I wrote you a long post and it's waiting to me moderated because I included a link. Should have known better. Really late for work, I'll write to you this eve. x 
  • hypercat
    hypercat audrey96558

    Posted

    H Audrey I understand exactly what you are saying but I do know from life that if you let people rely on you to take up the burdons then they will.  You might even be doing your parents a favour by opting out of trying to 'fix' them.   This might seem harsh but are you proud of your 'fixer' status despite what you say?   Do you feel it gives you more power and control?  I don't mean this in a nasty way but we are all human after all aren't we?

    I am a bit confused though.  If you parents are divorced why do you and your mum have to bother with him if he is so awful?   Do you enjoy having the patience of a saint or something?   He didn't bother much about you when you were a child  and now he is abusive.   Often people only behave like this when they know they can get away with it.  Show him he can't and take control back to yourself. 

    Please don't take this the wrong way but you need to be more selfish with your priorities and yourself and opt out of a situation which is giving you grief.   Despite him being your father do you still love him after what he did and does now?   I wouldn't.  

    I am just trying to make you think here love to help you to try and break the cycle you are trapped in.   I have had several friends in my life who have always been known as the strong one in the family and it was making them miserable.  They stopped being so strong and are much happier in themselves.  It's called self preservation and there is nowt wrong with that. 

    Bev x

     

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 hypercat

      Posted

      Hi,

      Firstly sorry for the late reply I haven't been doing very well at all.

      I totally get what you are saying about the "fixer" thing... The thing is I've been doing it since I was a kid and I didn't even realise (if that makes any sense) then two things collided; my psychologist noted it to me and then coincidentally I learnt of this family title.

      I'm not not proud. I'm pleased I'm seen as capable and that I can help people, so in this way, yes I suppose I do enjoy the status.

      I guess my major problem is that it's expected of me. It's not like "oh maybe she can help" it's "she will sort things".

      It's a lot of pressure.

      I've now seen my psychologist for the last time (end of sessions) he told me how damaging sites like this are and I just thought OMG...

      They don't get it do they? Despite it being their job? I told him how I was so lonely and tired and I needed somebody to talk to. His response was I'm back on the waiting list and to avoid websites like this.

      He was actually quite cruel.

      Have these professionals seen what it's like for us all when we are alone, awake and suffering?

      I was so angry.

      I still am actually. I'm trying my best to do as I'm advised medically but I feel at a loss.

      I hope you are well,

      xxx

    • hypercat
      hypercat audrey96558

      Posted

      Hi Audrey I really do feel for you.  Hearing your story made me think of my childhood when my mother would fly into uncontrollabe rages and storm around the place yelling and shouting.  Me and 2 of my sisters couldn't cope with this and would hide leaving our youngest sister to sort it out.  She was our mums favourite and and would manage to calm her down again. 

      Years later we were talking about this and she said she always felt a sense of dread when she had to sort it as our mother said some horrible things to her before she would calm down.   We relied on her to fix things and we still do to some extent.  She is the fixer in our family,  the strong and clever one.   As an adult I was torn between letting her as she is so good at it and resenting her because she made decisions for the rest of us which I didn't always agree with.  What she says still holds sway with the rest of us and if I argue with this they turn on me!    Don't know why I am telling you this but at some point it seems relevant to your situation.  

      As for sites like this I don't think your psychologist knows how religiously and well they are moderated to stop trolls coming in or posts that can really upset everyone or scams.   Maybe you should tell him to take a look for himself? 

      I,  and many others I guess,  are helped enormously by online sites (if you choose the right ones of course) like this so I say ignore him and carry on with us as long as you feel it is helping you.    Bev xx

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 hypercat

      Posted

      Your story really touched me because its so similar to what I do in my family, I just don't know how to stop it.

      I also get a lot of abuse whilst "fixing" things, but then I get praise too, I guess as a child I must've learnt that fixing things made me a "good girl" and I've carried it into adulthood.

      Trouble is now I have my own life and my own problems to fix, so everybody else's are just a burden, but I'm still seen as and relied on to sort things out. It really is exhausting.

      I don't know what my psychologist was thinking to be honest. He actually seemed angry and I felt like I needed to fix him too!

      I don't think mental health professionals really get it as much as they'd like to think. I was explaining how lonely it is being awake all night, night after night on your own, and that sites like this give people an outlet to talk, to support, to connect, when all they've had is their own thoughts and worries. I explained how this site is moderated and I know they do a great job. But he didn't want to know, just had a blanket response of telling me off, which I could've really done without to be honest.

      Also kind of a p*** take that he's critical of what is now my only support network. The NHS really needs to do something about its mental health support.

      Agh!

      Anyway, thank you so much for responding, hope you're ok xxxx

  • katz31
    katz31 audrey96558

    Posted

    I can totally understand the "if I did things differently" thinking!

    In December 2013 I was 34 weeks pregnant I got in the bath. When I got out I started getting back pains and thought nothing of it. I left it a few hours when I realised the pain was frequently and getting worse so I rang the delivery ward who said come in. Before my hubby rang the ambulance I needed the loo and to my absolute horror I realised my baby was coming....she was breech and got stuck, the paramedics rushed me to hospital and they had to cut my cervix to deliver my baby. My daughter Skylar was born still and they could not revive her.

    That's when the what ifs started....

    What if i rang earlier, what if I didn't go to the loo?

    Its horrible and I still do it now and re live the whole scenario, so i can understand how you feel! If you want someone to talkto you can message me anytime!

    Take care.

    Kate

    X

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 katz31

      Posted

      My god, my darling. What a trauma you've been through.

      Actually I think "trauma" is under playing it.

      You poor poor soul, I'm so sorry for your loss.

      I watched my mother lose a baby and it was horrific.

      Then I lost one too, not even remotely as far along in pregnancy as you were, I can't even imagine your pain.

      You didn't do anything wrong. Sh*t just happened without warning.

      I'm so so so sorry for your loss.

      Completely and truly, my thoughts are with you xxxx

  • katz31
    katz31 audrey96558

    Posted

    Thankyou for your kind words they mean so much 💜 I'm also so sorry for yours and your mothers loss.....they shouldn't go before us 😓 xxxx
  • Melancholy
    Melancholy audrey96558

    Posted

    I know a bit about abusive fathers, though mine never got actually physical (unless throwing me out of the house when I was visiting counts). But I can tell you that even though it's hard to let it go - I've not regretted for a single moment after quitting all contact with him 6 years ago. It feels more like a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders and though with all my other problems it doesn't help enough to make me happy, it certainly is one problem less.

    That would be my advice for you, too - one problem. No matter how small. Since you seem very good at fixing things, perhaps you could think what the easiest problem to fix would be. Even if it doesn't feel like much, even if it's a really simple thing, sometimes that can help, give you a sense of accomplisment.

    My heart goes out to you - your situation sounds terrible, and I'm amazed you're still fighting. You're a lot stronger than I could ever be. I would have caved in and given up. That thing with the psychologist is dreadful, too. I guess I'm lucky in that sense, that I live in a country where the system actually works.

    I know the feelings of hopelessness all too well to my liking. I wish I had a quick fix for you. But I'm still fighting to keep going, myself. One thing I can offer - an ear to listen. Or eyes, in this case. I'm not as wise or helpful as a psychologist would be, but if you ever need to talk, don't hesitate. I'm not saying I can offer much, but I know from experience sometimes just someone listening is enough.

    I know it's hard to keep going. I know how much it can hurt. But you are a very strong and kind person - I'm sure you can fight this. Sounds cheesy, right? It's the best I got, though! redface

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