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living with a partner with aspergers syndrome

Posted , 9 users are following.

redlondoner
redlondoner

I am convinced that my partner has aspergers. it seems to be the only thing to explain certain emotional behaviours that i have tried to understand for years. this syndrome can be hereditary and as his sixteen yearold son was diagnosed last year this makes me more sure.

I have talked to him about this and sa i expected the answer was 'i am ok with the way i am and levi (his son) is happy with the way he is. I need help to explain that this is my problem , not hi,s and that it is how he interacts with me that is the problem.

any one out there know where i can find this help?

2 likes, 32 replies

32 Replies

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  • Roseann
    Roseann

    Posted

    Just wondering if you got anywhere with this problem, which is the same as my daughter has. How hard is it to interact with someone who cannot read any non verbal signals or show empathy of any kind? Any help would be so much appreciated. Thank you.

    • Ginagirl
      Ginagirl carmel83758

      Posted

      I have lived with a man with this for 17 years and I think my daughter has it .. also she does not mix well and is unsociaable no knowingly.. and does not read me or interact as much as I would like her to.. I am not sure if this is the case but was always left out at school.. My son is like me.. ok! I can see a great difference. she never confronts or listens ..but this is much the same as any yong person she is 23... Artist (Digital) clever.My daughter is borderline..Ex was quite unemotional.. I have enough for the three of us..
  • redlondoner
    redlondoner

    Posted

    hi.i had almost forgotten i had posted this. you have my sympathy for your situation with our daughter. i am no further on in getting advice about adults with aspergers but we have argued on numerous occasions which does no good. I dont think my partners problem is anything more than mild and so although he is difficult he is also eventually to get some idea of where i am coming from. provided i give him fairly clear information as to what i expect from him he does seem to try. fortunately he is a sensible adult and not a teenager so will at least listen and try to take on board what i say but that blank look comes int his eyes so i can tell when i have lost him. to say it is a labour of love is such an understatement! i sometime wonder if its worth it and whether i should concentrate on my own happiness regardless of him because he seems ok either way! does not make the best of life but better (i think) than life without him
    • Ginagirl
      Ginagirl redlondoner

      Posted

      Once my Children had grown, I got divorced after 17 years of hard work like having three children over the years me running the show..He is clever at many things DIY/Math but his Emotional state is next to nothing and he can be difficult..I had a breakdown after 17 years of Hard work RGN/Study bringing up two children and a sick mother.. Now I have retired out after 33yrs with a back injury as a result of my job so I have time for me at last at 57 ..the older you are the more you need time for you.If you love the Man ..then do things for yourself. But encourage him to take a Hobby..so you have quality time for yourself..
  • Roseann
    Roseann

    Posted

    Thanks for the quick reply. My daughter separated from her partner because of his obsessive 'ways' and his inability to even try to help her or empathise with her. It came to a head when she was pregnant unfortunately. Unfortunately, 15 months down the line he still won't accept that the relationship is over. Because he thought it was fine, he never lets up with telling her she's wrong. You have my sympathy, but am glad that you are trying to make the best of life. Wishing you well. And thank you.
    • redlondoner
      redlondoner Roseann

      Posted

      Hi.I have some information which might help you or others.

      I wanted to have councelling but could not afford private sessions. i googled 'free councelling' and got a NHS site for 'Healthy Minds' that had a sentence about self referal for councelling.I rang and was given an appointmet just a few days later.  the person i saw agreed that our problem was not a mental health one but that she could refer me to Relate who would give us FREE couples councelling. Free because it comes under the nhs. she said the appointment may take some time and we are still waiting,but at least the financial  pressure of getting help is relieved. Maybe this could help daughter and hopefully if hewill go her ex.   goodluck

  • redlondoner
    redlondoner

    Posted

    hi. what a sad story but i think not unusual. from what i have read, separation is often the result of these relationships. sound like partner is further along the spectrum. his doctor might help if he is aware of the issue and maybe he could get help to cope with being separated and learn how to behave. counseling or something. especially as there is a child - she wont be able to get shot of him entirely. maybe his aspergers will eventually take over and his obsession with her will change to something else. a long process but who knows.my doctor was no help but you could ask if there is an interested doctor in your area. they do exist. local hospital maybe. good luck.

    write again if ever you want to if it helps.

  • Roseann
    Roseann

    Posted

    Thanks so much for your empathy. It's clear that you understand only too well what this must be like! It is very hard to get help for someone who doesn't acknowledge that he has a problem. Only today my daughter has received another e-mail from him telling her that the relationship could have worked etc etc. So wearing for her. Take care and do hope your life continues on the level. Thanks again.
  • Dee_Dee3
    Dee_Dee3

    Posted

    My son is Autistic. I understand when you mention your partner shows lack of emotion when things happen.I think you should contact an Autistic society or other Autistic organization on the website as your partnercould be on the autistic spectrum. This would help you identify his way of thinking.

    I know it can be difficult and frustrating but you could talk to your partner, when you are both calm and tell him how you would like him to be treated in certain things.

  • Roseann
    Roseann

    Posted

    Hi Dee

    It must be hard knowing that your son has autism and wanting the best for him in the future. I hope he finds a partner who can help him and understand the limitations that autism imposes on him. Sadly my daughter's partner was unwilling to empathise in any way at all and it became too much for my daughter. She does however try to support him in being a 'good enough' father to their son. All best wishes. Roseann

  • anneporter
    anneporter redlondoner

    Posted

    Its very difficult to live with someone who has AS. All you can do is remember you love them and it isnt their fault. Just like a parent with altzheimers. Easier said than done and you will fail sometimes. Its difficult for the person with AS too, to not understand, be criticised complained to for lack of feeling, empathy etc, and not know how to respond. I sometimes think it would be kinder to leave them in peace. There is no easy answer. Maybe a counsellor could help you cope. Hard to counsel someone with AS.
    • Roseann
      Roseann anneporter

      Posted

      Many thanks for your empathetic replies Anne and Redlondoner.  It definitely would have been a labour of selfless love if my daughter had continued with her relationship with partner with AS.  His latest obsessive game has been to break into her e-mails and monitor her every movement, even though they have been separated for 1.5 years now.  He continues to say that the break up does not make sense, because he is only able to see it from his own perspective of course.  If he was happy then they were both happy!  Such a difficult one and he does have my sympathy.  His life would have been happier with my daughter (acting as a mother figure to him) but her's is undoubtedly happier without the daily grind of looking after someone with AS.  So tough for him.
    • anneporter
      anneporter Roseann

      Posted

      I u derstand Roseann, in the end your own wellbeing must be priority, and she shouldnt feel guilty.
    • carmel83758
      carmel83758 Roseann

      Posted

      Lots of guys like to think that as long as they are happy it has to continue.
    • karen20609
      karen20609 anneporter

      Posted

      This is my first time talking about this publicly. I am in love with a man with aspergers. He isn't working & has a niece with brain damage. He seems to be at severe end of spectrum. We met on Twitter quite by accident, spoke on phone (something neither of us like) but hit it off straight away. Months later & I am finding I am blamed for everything, he's cruel, silent & punishes me. We live hundreds of miles apart & he is on a mission to save girls being raped, is always worrying about his niece (he raised her as daughter for years) yet the more loving I am to him, the more cold, distant & heartless he gets. I can't get through to him. Seems controlling & manipulative. Is this usual?

    • redlondoner
      redlondoner karen20609

      Posted

      Get out as soon as yu can. this will never work long time. be his friend if you want to but please look for another partner if you can.  
    • karen20609
      karen20609 redlondoner

      Posted

      Sorry for taking a while to reply. I have spoken to my man tonight. Certain things going on with his life are now explained. We have talked about things. I have done more research. Right now, I want to continue to fight for him & us. He's the only person I've ever met who gets me. He's a good man. I am sticking with it at mo. I thank you for taking the time to reply & to care enough. X.

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