Read this for hope and encouragement - You will get better
Posted , 17 users are following.
To start with some background, I've been on Citalopram twice now. I went through a mental crisis of sorts in 2013, and eventually got on this medication after a long time of trying other things and just waiting. Within some weeks, it slowly brought back the part of my mind I felt was missing for so long (or what felt like so long). Flash forward to this past October 2023, I decided to get off the 20mg I was taking because I thought what I had gone through prior was just a phase, a weird blip in my life that wouldn't be repeated. After going through a short withdrawal period, I thought I was right. But 2 months later, I started getting the same anxiety/panic attacks that I recognized from a decade earlier. Soon enough, I was getting scarily depressed, and knew I had to go back on the medication. I didn't want to because I knew the adjustment would be rough, like I remember it being the first time. But I did it.
Since then, it has been a long road. Longer than I would have thought. I want to make it clear, a lot of people begin to feel normal on this med within weeks. If you are starting out and struggling, know that in a few weeks, you could very well be feeling good. Unfortunately, a lot of us don't experience that. I noticed positive changes along the way, but it was anything but linear. Side effects were terrible. If you're on a similar path, there will be ups and downs. In every down you will be tempted to believe you will never permanently feel better again. It will feel impossible. But just know that your mind is lying, and your view of reality is skewed and not trustworthy. You have felt well before, and you will feel well again. There is so much life outside of the weird reality you find yourself in. Reflecting on those times, it's like I may have well been in a different dimension. You may feel like "maybe this is just who I am now" - but it's not true. I was never truly suicidal, but I had a lot of anxiety surrounding the concept. I was constantly in distress that MAYBE I would become suicidal. It's important to differentiate this from actually wanting to take your life. Either way, it stressed me out to a great degree. If you're in a similar place, this will pass. If you can, ask your doctor for a benzodiazepine to lessen your distress. Lorazepam was sincerely a blessing from God throughout this process.
All in all, I just wanted to come on here to offer hope and assurance to those are going through the hardest time they could have ever imagined right now. This is a traumatic experience, don't invalidate yourself that it's any less. Regardless, you will get to the other side. The process may be slow, but it is sure. Keep a journal and see how the small things turn into big things. Time is your greatest companion in this. These 2 times I've found myself with a severe mental state I don't recognize as 'me' have been easily the hardest times in my life by miles. And those around you might not understand, and they are lucky not to. But I see you, and there are plenty of others who have been through this and can now look back and say "...that was weird." Because this is just a chapter in your long life. These meds work, but they need time, and your body/mind needs time to heal naturally alongside this med. But you will get there, and don't buy into anything different. There's so much more ahead of you. I'm here if anyone has questions or needs encouragement.
Much love, Emma
14 likes, 109 replies
steve01797 emma1110
Edited
Wow, Emma. That is nothing short of amazing! I tried a post similar myself, but nowhere near as great and inspiring as yours!! I'm 11 weeks in, on 20mg, having better days, much better in fact, but still some ups and downs! Those blips do trick your mind though, you can't even remember the good day you had the day before when they kick in! Can't wait to look back and think 'well that was weird' 😂
Best post I've read on here, well done you!
emma1110 steve01797
Edited
Thank you Steve!! I was hoping it could serve some good.
That's an amazing sign that you are having much better days - soon that will become your norm. The blips are so deceiving, they will definitely have you feeling like you're back at square one or making no progress. I heard this analogy that healing is like stitching a wound - the stitch is threading through the wound sometimes going up, sometimes going down, but the whole time the wound is getting tighter and tighter. That perspective has helped me through the worst blips.
Praying for your continued progress and healing!! ❤️
jo56870 steve01797
Posted
hi how are you doing now? we're at a similar stage, except i have been on 30mg since week 6.
jo56870 steve01797
Posted
hi steven. we are at similar timescales. just wondering how you are doing now? im 11 weeks in ( 6 weeks on 20mg and 5 on 40mg )
jo
nataliya.k emma1110
Edited
Hi Emma
you post was just in time when i feel so bad and desperately need reasurance.
i just completed 9 months on 20mg fluoxetine and it was very tough journey, which started with terrible side effects - huge anxiety, depression, lost of appetite, terrible night sweats, shaking and etc.
Slowly i start to have good hours in evenings feeling like myself and thought THATS IT ! I made it - but next morning terrible feeling if anxiety, fear, depression, know knowing what to do with myself - came back.
From month to month i see changes but mornings were always terrible, than recently i had even good mornings - i was so happy thinking THATS IT ! And now out of the blue i am feeling like at the beginning of the treatment, i am so scared that i will stuck like that, that its not working for me because it has been 9 month.. I dont know what to think, what to do..Will i ever be myself again .?? Maybe meds not working or i need higher dose .? I am so scared that i will get crazy or like you said - scared to become suicidal.
will i ever get out of this horror .?
emma1110 nataliya.k
Edited
Hi Nataliya,
I'm so glad my post could encourage you. I know so well the discouragement of thinking 'that's it!' , just for the overwhelming negative feelings to resurface. It's the biggest test of endurance, and you are so so strong for moving forward through all of this. I would be curious what a higher dose would do for you, being that it's been 9 months on this dose and you're not where you'd like to be. Those good times you're talking about definitely show it's working - but I wonder if upping would get you more consistent relief. I know it's scary to think about side effects, but after I was on 20mg for about 3 months, upping my dose came with no side effects at all! Your body is most likely so used to the medication now that it wouldn't react negatively to a slight increase. Either way, it's totally up to you. But I know you will get there no matter what.
nataliya.k emma1110
Posted
Hi Emma
thank you for your kind reply. I have visited my doctor today and she suggested to try to take 20mg in the morning and 20mg in the evening. She has also reffered me to phsychiatrist so he can evaluate my meds and recovery.
Just feeling so defeated right now, thinking there is no help for me .
emma1110 nataliya.k
Edited
Hi Nataliya,
I understand how you're feeling. Let this new plan encourage you. 20mg has brought you good days - 40mg should bring you even more! The psychiatrist will be very knowledgeable, and I'm sure has led many people just like you to full recovery before. Help is on the way ❤️
jo56870 emma1110
Edited
really needed to read this this morning x
emma1110 jo56870
Edited
I'm so glad it could encourage you ❤️
denise31188 emma1110
Edited
Hi Emma
I found your post very helpful, I was taking 20 mg of citalopram for years then i went down to 10mg about 18 months ago, then at end of January the anxiety and panic attacks came back and the doctor said we should try sertraline, it made me so ill , doctor put me back on 20mg of citalopram for 8 weeks but i never felt any better so have been on 30mg for last 4 weeks but I feel awful, I have the worst morning anxiety and the physical symptoms throughout the day are awful I get the odd occasion when I feel better in the evenings which is a blessing but some days get no relief at all, how long did it take you to feel better if you don't mind me asking , Thanks
emma1110 denise31188
Posted
I'm so glad you found it helpful! That's so odd the doctor put you on an entirely different med instead of just upping the citalopram! My restarting of the med was very similar to what you're going through. Typically good in the evenings, but most days I was so out of sorts. Slowly the morning anxiety faded away, I'd say it took about 3 months for that to be gone entirely. After that, it was a pattern of a good few days and a few bad days, then another good day or two and maybe a not so good day, etc. It's exhausting. But through it all, you are making it into a new season. To feel my best, it took about 6 months - that's from the very start of starting the meds again. It was about 3 months after i landed on 40mg. Much longer than anticipated, and I've still got a little healing left to do. At the end of the day, once you're feeling yourself again, you almost don't care how long it took - you're just glad that you're past it. Doesn't feel like that in the middle of it, that's for sure 😃
jo56870 emma1110
Posted
i cant wait to feeling like this. im 6 weeks on 20mg and 4 weeks almost 5 weeks on 30mg. side affects have subsided i.e insomnia which is something, but im still very up and down and that can change by the minute! im finding myself doing a few bits around the house which i wouldnt have done last month and im looking to the future but with a lot of doubt. im 27 weeks pregnant too so i imagine hormones are not helping anything x
emma1110 jo56870
Edited
You absolutely will feel like this soon!! Up and down is totally normal. It's a whirlwind. It's important to notice those small things that are improving, for me every month was slightly better than the previous - in reality, it was probably a lot better, but it's hard to see when you're in the midst of it, experiencing the whiplash of emotions. But remembering those things and using them as evidence to give you solid hope for the future is crucial.
Oh my, congratulations on your pregnancy!! I'm sure that doesn't make any of this easier. Praying that you get settled and well very soon so you can look forward to your bright future with your baby 😃 ❤️
jo56870 emma1110
Posted
thanks for your kind words 😃
yes im trying to think in months rather than days - last month i was crying almost everyday and having awful dark thoughts - this month not so teary and not such awful thoughts. im still so far off what i want to feel like - i almost feel like im forcing myself to be happier but then i suppose i look back at last month and it was a struggle just to get out of bed.
im so glad you are well and have taken your time to post your success story 😃 x