When nothing ever seems to get better...
Posted , 26 users are following.
Depression has quite literally taken everything from me, and feelings of despair and hopelessness dominate my life. Increasingly I am left asking myself 'If this is all my life is ever going to be, then what is the point of existing, because this is no life'.
A bit about me...
I'm a 20 year old male, currently at Uni. I have serious self-esteem issues, have been struggling with low moods since at least 16, mainly due to bad bullying at school and poor family relationships.
I have a lot of 'demons' and issues, and I won't go into them all here...
However.. I have abused alcohol for at least the past 18 months. It is now a problem I have under control. I turned to drink to combat severe loneliness and to try and block out thoughts and feelings which have plagued me for years. I knew it wouldn't work, and it doesn't. But it became a mechanism by which I could in a strange way escape. I'd often drink to the point of passing out, and as strange as it sounds this was almost a relief, because for that evening I didn't have to think about those dark thoughts. I appreciate in the long-term alcohol will only have made things worse. I can drink in moderation, and have tried to cut down my solo drinking sessions, but my dark thoughts persist.
I'm now at Uni and *should* be happy, but I'm not. In fact, these are the darkest days I have faced. I have no motivation left to do anything. I have exams over a period of the next month. If I pass them a miracle will have occurred. The truth is, my motivation has gone. I ask what I'm working towards when I live a life of such despair anyway. Aren't these supposed to be the best days of my life, if they are, what on earth have I to bother about?
I'm not sure whether this should be in the sexual health section - I've placed it here because depression is my main problem, and I believe it to be the main reason I am having the problems I am today.
I have suffered with questions over my sexuality, and am now fully accepting of the fact I am gay. This has been a big thing for me to conclude because much of the bullying at school was homophobic in nature, so I was almost conditioned to believe that coming to terms with that being my identity would prove those individuals right and be an admission that I was a lesser person. My dad is also a devout catholic, and I know the fact I am gay will always mean I am less of the son he wanted me to be, and I will always be a let-down to him in that regard.
However, I have no libido or sex drive and haven't done for about six months at least. I have stopped masturbating, and can't remember the last time I had a proper erection. I attribute this to depression, and a general loss of hope and happiness. Of course though, it in turn has become a factor in the way I am feeling.
To cut a long story short... I have always had very low confidence, so asking people to do things with me has always been a big challenge, as have gaining friendships. The thought of a relationship has been terrifying. Mainly because, at around 14 I told myself that no one would ever be attracted to me or love me, so I might as well give up hope it would happen. I finally plucked up the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. I thought he might like me in that way, but wasn't sure.
Anyway.. He came back to my place and wanted to have sex which I was comfortable about because I do feel attraction towards him - in fact the first time I have been properly attracted to anyone, however, I could not get an erection, and was therefore unable to perform. In turn, he took that as a rejection and that's another friendship I can put into the bin and another blow to my confidence.
As such, I feel I will never be able to pursue a relationship and will never be able to have anyone in my life. I am pretty much again resigned to the fact I will never have a significant other and will always be alone.
My problems are deep rooted, and there are many of them. I just don't see things ever getting any better and don't know what to do. I was on antidepressants (citalopram) the side effects were horrendous and I have never thought about suicide more than when I was on them. I came off them myself. At first I felt 'normal' (lack of suicidal thoughts), however, my mood is becoming ever darker.
I am getting counselling through my uni, however, this is limited to just 6 sessions, and it's clear that nothing is going to be resolved in that time (2 sessions to go)
I've lost a stone in the past 3 months, and have lost my appetite completely. I can go for days without eating properly, and have to force myself to eat when I do.
Is there any hope, and am I ever going to feel better, because I can't go on like this any longer.
2 likes, 30 replies
sam04048 272727
Posted
I'm nearly 20, also male, and am suffering the same symptoms.
Theres a way out for everyone, how you get there may seems a mystery i know.
I know its probably hard, being a uni, and funds must be low, but you could see a private councillor for around £30 a session, so don't think once the Uni Councilling sessions are up, you are on your own, because you're not. Appetite will definately come, once the depression, and anxiety slows down.
I know the Citalopram didn't work, but did you talk to your GP, and explain its not working?
There are other antidepressants out there! Not all will work for you.
Please keep in touch, hopefully i can support you, and you can support me.
272727 sam04048
Posted
Unfortunately I don't really have the funds for counselling on a private basis because I think I need long-term support, for which I could not fund.
My experience of the NHS (as much as I appreciate its enormous capacity for good) is so negative in this area.
I was told to 'self refer' myself for CBT through the NHS - I am not due an initial assessment until the 30th May, meaning I will have waited around 3 months. When someone is this low, they need something, not to be told to go on another waiting list.
The Uni Counselling took 2 months from registration to appointment, but this was only because I eventually had to go in and beg them to put me up the list because I didn't feel I could cope without some sort of support any longer.
I really hope you find a positive road forward and better days ahead.
Mtm 272727
Posted
272727 Mtm
Posted
272727
Posted
I went through a very bad time in January/February after a traumatic event, which made my depression far worse than ever before, I did think in March I was *slightly* better, but I am now slipping back to January again, unable to find the courage to leave the house, not doing tasks - when I do get up I sit on the sofa and am often literally shaking.
I also don't have anyone I can confide in because it does feel as if people don't understand. People will say that I seem to be confident and outgoing, but it is a fascade and isn't the real me. I just feel enormous isolation.
I don't feel I can take another set-back, which is all I seem to face.
Hildegard 272727
Posted
Most of all - you DESERVE that help. I so, so know how you feel when you say you dont think things will ever improve. Ive felt like that so many times - because it is a primary presenting symptom of moderate to severe depression. You sound severely depressed to me, and you need to stress to your GP how desperately hopeless you feel - and most of all, how its impacting on your life. If its affecting everything from your social life, eating, studies, confidence, - everything, in other words - then that is a factor in diagnosis - so i would make some notes so you dont get tongue-tied during th doctor appointment and forget to mention soemthing important - its easily done when youre depressed as it affects memory.
Finally i would look up the DSM diagnosic criteria for Depressive episodes - you'll see just how much of your pain and diffiulties are SYMPTOMS not personal failure... its easy to feel 'if i just tried harder/made an effort....' - dont fall into that trap. Its not your fault.
Finally, dont spend your limited funds on private couselling! apart from anything else, its a minefield choosing a counsellor and practically impossible when your judgement is impaired by severe depression. If your GP wont refer you to a psychiatrist via the CMHT, change your GP.
Please, please keep posting on this site and let us all know how you get on. I cant bear to think of how much you are suffering. Best of luck, warm best wishes for some improvement soon.
PS: youre absolutely right that lack of libido and impotence are temporary effects of severe depression. Tell your GP about those too - and also the fact you are self medicating with alcohol. Maybe ask for a second referral to your local Community Alcohol Team - just for additional counselling and support? And also ask the GP for a letter for your faculty professor in case you do get low grades i your exams - tell the Uni so they can make allowances and allow you to retake when you are better.
You are clearly a thoughtful, perceptive intelligent young man of whom your family should be very, very proud. Take care of yourself and get the help to which you are ENTITLED. God Bless you and take care.
272727 Hildegard
Posted
I will try and find the courage to go to the GP tomorrow, and ask to see a different one to the GP I am normally allocated to.. perhaps one of my issues is I feel ashamed/embarrassed about much of this so am probably not as forceful as I need to be, but I am now at the point where I can take *no* more and just need something. anything.
I am incredibly upset when I think how far I have deteriorated in the last year. I used to be able to function, even if I had dark days, but now I can't remember the last time I didn't feel this despair. I see so many lost opportunities over that time - all caused by this shadow of hopelessness and the isolation it has caused. It feels now that no part of my life has now been spared from its grip.
I am pleased you have (finally) found medication which worked for you and hope you continue along a better path. Citaolopram was a very negative experience for me, and perhaps I need to try and find the courage to look at another antidepressant.
Thanks again.
Hildegard 272727
Posted
Unfortunately, with depression meds, sometimes you have to try several before you find the perfect 'fit'. Its horrible because, as you say, when you reach the point where you just cant take it anymore, you need something to work 'yesterday'! But sadly thats not the way they work: you just have to be patient and persevere. But its much easier to get on the right meds if you're being treated by a psychiatrist rather than a GP. Thats why I highly recommend you insist your GP makes a referral to your Community Mental Health Team, which will be headed by consultant psychiatrists. Some doctors will do this referral very readily, others need a bit of nagging. Dont give up - if you had heart disease you'd need a cardiologist, if you had cancer you'd be referred to an oncologist. Mental health is just as much a specialist area and you need their expertise.
i completely understand how angry and frustrated you feel about the wasted time over the past year whilst you have been depressed. I am feeling very much the same way just now - i feel like ive had a wasted life. Thats why i am being so insistent with you about pursuing the right treatment - because i dont want what happened to me (20 wasted years) to happen to you!! Thankfully you have insight which i didnt have when my first (very er, colourful!) manic episode meant i had to drop out of Uni. I spent 20 years denying/running away/self-medicating with heroin/putting on the old 'brave face'... So dumb, but I really had no idea just how ill I was. I thought I was a hypochondriac, a neurotic malingerer! When really i had Bipolar 1, with full-blown mania and psychotic features! I am on lithium now, and so far no mania for 3 years - but thats not to say its an overnight solution. I miss the energy and excitement of my manic highs. How dumb is that?!?!
One more suggestion: May I recommend a book? Its called : 'They F@#k you up' by Oliver James. He's a consultant child psychologist and its a self-analysis tool for auditing your childhood for clues about your mental issues. I found it tremendously enlightening and helpful. Its also very interesting on how modern society (our money/possessions/looks culture) is practically tailor-made to create mental distress. If nothing else it would be a very interesting read and very comforting in that it takes mental illness properly seriously and doesnt try to argue that if you just did yoga/meditation/reflexology or pulled yourself together and think positive, then you'd be alright. Dont listen to anybody (friends/family/celebs) who makes you feel like you're 'feeling sorry for yourself' or 'you dont have any real problems, man up'.
Best of luck at the doctors: you clearly have suffered in silence long enough and now its time to take care of yourself. I wish you all the luck in the world for a full recovery and a happy future x
272727 Hildegard
Posted
I asked to see a different GP as the one I usually have tends to give me a sympathetic look and say 'it's a difficult time age wise, isn't it?' and write out a prescription. To be honest, wish I hadn't asked for a different one.
The GP today was horrendous, and spent the entire time scowling at me whilst telling me I'm not being patient enough with 'treatment'. I told her that I don't feel like I'm in treatment as I feel far worse than I did before, not better, to which she replied 'Well what exactly did you come here for?'.
I explained the physical symptoms were far worse than ever before, and explained I had no energy, had lost all motivation with studying, and had no sex drive, to which she replied 'Well does that bother you then?'. Well what does she think?
After asking me if I was thinking about committing suicide, to which I replied 'I don't have suicidal plans, but I increasingly don't see the point of living and wish most mornings I didn't wake up' she asked if I was cutting myself, to which I said no 'Oh, that's fine then'.
She then told me to 'go out more' and 'avoid people who are also depressed' and 'Not to drink' - okay, all sound advice, but no realisation that I don't have the energy or motivation to go out and feel incredibly isolated. If it was that bloody easy I'd have done it and wouldn't be in this position right now.
All she wanted to do was give me another antidepressant 'I think you need one with a sedative effect' so I've been given Mirtazapine. Just feels like no one in the medical profession is listening. I feel crushed by it all.
Thanks for the reply - appreciated and I have ordered the book you recommend.
Hildegard 272727
Posted
However - Im encouraged by the fact that she did at least ask if you were suicidal - remember, feeling very hopeless is terrible, but if you had answered that you have definite plans she would have had to take action.
I know its very easy to think 'that's it, im never going to subject myself to another doctor ever again!' ..... many, many - SO many of us on this and other forum know that feeling - I had to wait 22 years for the right diagnosis. But part of that 22 years was denial, part of it was not wanting to go back to another unsympathetic doctor...
Its appalling that we have to battle this way, just because mental illnesses dont show up on x-rays and mri scans... But, unfortunately, thems the breaks. The sad fact is that unless you're able to go private, it has to be an NHS GP (of course, theres no guarantee that a private doc would necessarily be better...)
So where to go from here:
Firstly I highly recommend Mirtazipine - and though it may not seem so, that prescription is actually a clear sign that that GP DID take you seriously, despite her bedside manner. Mirtazipine is generally prescribed for more serious, severe, or intractable depressive illness.
It means she's brought out 'the big guns'... So DO take it, every night, and dont be put off by the sleepiness (itll pretty much feel like a sleeping tablet for the first few weeks - but as sleep is crucial to mental health, thats not such a bad thing! - mirtazipine has literally saved my life from suicidal depression, where nothing else worked, but it is pretty zombie-fying!) Dose matters with mirtazipine - lower doses are MORE sedating (weird i know!) so did she start you off on 15mg so you'd get the full nighttime sleep help?
Unfortunately, just because the Doctor knows from experience that the drugs will work, they forget (or dont understand) that until youve experienced how well they work, you will feel pretty hopeless and need sympathetic care as well as a prescription. But she did give you that prescription ... so she didnt dismiss your pain. She just made it FEEL that way. (So many of them do... Maybe one day that will change)
Now it is possible to self-refer to the CMHT, but realistically they are massively underfunded, so may not accept those without a referral from a GP. But its still worth trying - if nothing else, they can let you know about other organisations in your area. And of course, go back to your GP every month while taking mirtazipine - if that doctor didnt tell you to make an appointment for four weeks time, make it yourself, (i know you dont want to go anywhere near the place! but its got to be done. - You could also look into changing your actual Practice, Uni campuses have health centres? ) Every time you go back to the GP you are building up a picture in your medical record, which adds to the weight of evidence towards giving you that crucial psychiatrist referral. Tell them about everything, even if it seems they dont much care at the time).
Are you at home on hols at the moment, or are you at Uni? My sons 20, depressed and at Uni at the moment so I completely understand how isolated you feel - everyone else seems to be fitting in, enjoying themselves.. its very tough. Most Unis have helplines - crisis phone lines, Im just thinking about when you feel completely alone and need the sound of a voice. They might also know about LGBT facilities at Uni? maybe counselling for that specific problem?
I know it feels like nobody understands right now, but trust me, some people do, and Im just trying to direct you into how to find those people in your area!
Whats most important of all right now is to just keep taking the tablets, because until you give them a few weeks you wont know if they work for you or not (like most medicines).
Dont forget to talk to the Uni people in charge of your course: maybe they can find you some help? They are probably very familiar with helping students in difficulty. The last thing you want is to be forced to quit your course (unless thats something you feel would be a good idea? They will usually hold your place open to you whilst you recover?)
I know things seems like raw bloody Hell right now (catholic imagery, one lapsed to another!) but you have to keep the faith and wait for those pills to do their stuff. One doctor (a good one - they do exist, i promise) told me: All I expect you to do for the next 6 weeks is to take that pill every night. That's it. I dont expect you to work, socialise, or wash, even, if you dont feel up to it. You're ill! You can take to your bed - whatever it takes. Just. Take. That. Pill.
Take care of yourself and dont give up. x
272727 Hildegard
Posted
I have been given 30mg tablets, but she advised splitting in half for the first week. I am a bit worried though because I am already very tired, and although my sleep is often disturbed I am not sure I can take feeling much more exhausted.
I am at 'home' which I count to be where I study for Uni. Parental relationship is very poor at the moment and they don't understand the extent of the issue and have a 'pull yourself together' mentality. Sadly I can't see this ever changing and actually find trying to pursue a relationship with them incredibly stressful, in part I suppose because I think much of how I feel today is due to negative childhood experiences and constant parental criticism and feelings of failure.
I found the courage to go to a sexual health counselling drop-in this evening, and am being referred for psychosexual services. Still incredibly sad about what happened last week and I blame myself for not communicating properly. First time I've actually felt someone loved me for as long as I can remember, so completely crushed I messed it up and caused someone else pain.
Will find the courage to try this latest medication, in the desperate hope it does something to make me better. I can't feel like this for much longer and just want to be able to see something other than darkness and despair in the future.
Thank you again for your incredibly kind replies.
Hildegard 272727
Posted
brillian that you went to the sexual health drop-in! Must have taken much courage! - but you got that referral, thats the main thing.
As for your unhappy experience last week - YOU didnt mess anything up, you are ILL. As for the other person, if he knew just how much you're suffering, i expect he would be supportive - if not, then its no loss anyway. That may sound 'way harsh' [as my son would put it!], but its about perspective. While you are poorly you have to distance yourself from anything that makes you feel worse. Sadly sexual relationships cn be so confusing that while youre ill its best to avoid them: wait til you're feeling better and therefore can trust your judgement and responses better.
Doctor not a total loss - the advice she gave on splitting the tablets for the first week is absolutely spot on. You'll feel like a total zombie for that first week, and possibly beyond- but remember, its just a side effect, and its for the greater good. Most people find the sleepiness passes in a month or two. And sleep is vitally important - i actually have a 'sleep hygeine' regime - which isnt as Homer Simpson would say 'some kind of underwear thing'! - its recognizing that sleep is number one trigger for mental illness relapse, and making sure I get to bed at a suitably respectable hour. Id go so far as to say, take the tablet once youre in bed, and if you have a lecture in the morning, do it before 10pm, and set several alarms on their highest volume!
If mirtazipine doesnt work within say 6-8 weeks, im willing to bet your doctor may just refer you to CMHT. Its pretty well-known for shifting even the most nasty, stubborn depressions, so if it really honestly doesnt work, s/he may just refer you out of desperation!
Ive taken my son to our GP today for his first course of anti-depressants. It made me very sad because of the contrast - our GP is totally switched on, explained everything really clearly, was really nice and funny and friendly. What a pity all GPs arent like that - it took me so long to find him.
Now get to bed and take your pill! And remember - you're taking the first steps to recovery. So stay brave. x
Theatreofthemnd Hildegard
Posted
You are such a wonderful and amazing person Hildegard.
There is so much of you I can relate to.
I'm a 28 year old female. I've suffered feelings of deep pain and sadness from when I was born (I know that sounds crazy but it's true).
I'm currently an addict myself. I smoke weed and do lots of heroin.
*virtual hugs* my friend x
stinker22 272727
Posted
First port of call is your GP. Continue with professional help.
Sounds like deep down you haven't given up hope and you want to succeed and enjoy life! You 're doing the right thing - sharing your problems and looking for help! Don 't give up !
You are who you are and celebrate that! If people can't accept you for that then that's their problem not your's!
Only you should decide how you feel but at times we need lots of help realising that and controlling how we do it. You've got loads of 'stuff' to deal with that needs professional help but recognise now you are important and deserve to enjoy life!
Very best wishes.
272727 stinker22
Posted
I do want to believe that there is some hope, but it seems each time I see a glimmer of positivity something else happens and I am back in an ever familiar state of despair. I am not sure I can take another set back, I am now at the point where I feel my resilience has been completely eroded away.
I do need to go back to the GP, but thus far my experiences have made me conclude that I am unlikely to receive much in the way of support from them.