Wrong time to withdraw but scared to ever wean off.

Sorry to post again, I did before Christmas.

Long story short, 3 years ago I was put on Mirtazapine as i was struggling with insomnia after the loss of my nan and my brother had a break down and attacked me which led to severe anxiety and post traumatic stress. I lost my mother and sisters as i refused to forgive him, so I lost all my family in a short space of time. I became anxious and agoraphobic. After 6 months my GP prescribed Mirtazapine in May 2013. I didn't want to take it but was desperate. I agreed and took 7.5mg until December. Then my sister got in touch hurling abuse at me for not forgiving my brother, my anxiety rocketed so GP said to go up to the 15mg. I did and felt a little better. I was sleeping and able to eat again so it felt worth staying on the mirt. 

One thing I noticed was I was having odd thoughts, what if I hurt myself or my family, odd thoughts I'd never had before, I saw my GP and he said that was the high anxiety and over time they did calm down but I always worried it was due to Mirtazapine. I never had suicidal thoughts as such more fears of what if i died etc.. I also developed phobias and social phobia, blood test phobia became a big issue for me. Things I'd never feared before. I was again told all to do with my anxiety disorder. Mirt continued to help me eat and sleep, and my husband said I was so much more relaxed.

August 2015 after 2 years on Mirt I started feeling fatigued, thyroid was borderline underactive so just told they'd monitor it every 6 months. November 2015 my son became crippled by panic attacks and felt suicidal due to severe bullying, my daughter was rushed into hospital ill and suddenly my fatigue worsened which my GP said was due to shock and stress. I had to help my son as the mental health team wouldn't offer support other than a waiting list for therapy. It was a horrific 3 months and during that time my fatigue became so bad I couldn't walk and was bed ridden. My GP came out to see me, ran a lot of blood tests and said it was stress and again another trauma. 

I never recovered from that time, my son went on to be well, my daughter was fine but all of last year was difficult. I had energy crashes if i over did housework, went out for the day or a simple trip to the shops, I'd end up so fatigued my legs would go weak and I'd have to rest in bed the next day. My GP diagnosed chronic fatigue. In January, March and May of last year my thyroid was tested and my TSH shot up from 6 in January to 9 by May, then I was put on thyroxine. My TSH is now 2.6 and much better yet I am still unwell. 

My GP ran a lot of blood tests in November and nothing flagged up, all very good and he tested almost anything he could. I am told my fatigue is due to chronic fatigue and an underactive thyroid. For a year I have struggled with fatigue that i have to pace myself, my agoraphobia returned which had gone after a year of therapy after my brother attacked me. My anxiety returned too this last year all due to how unwell I have felt. My husband has been amazing and supports me, lets me rest at night once he is home, he and my children have been an amazing support this last year. It's been hard for us all me being chronically ill. My husband takes the children to all the appointments they need and I feel I am letting them all down being so fatigued adn unwell. 

I did started to feel a little better once on the 50mg of thyroxine, my anxiety lessened, i was out walking my dog daily again and going to shops a few nights a week with hubby. I felt I was getting my life back then 3 weeks before Christmas I had an anxiety attack and I spiraled back into deep anxiety and with it felt some depression, my issue has usually been anxiety but depression can hit if my anxiety becomes severe. 

I knew it was back because Christmas is a tough time for me since what happened with my extended family as I know my mother and sisters will insist on visiting to see my children. All last year every birthday I'd be terrified having to have my mother and sisters visit but I tolerated it fo rmy children, my friends would say why do you allow them to visit if they cause you so much fear? but I would so the children saw their grandmother and cousins. Id' crash for days after seeing my mum, I'd be so weak and fatigued I'd feel ill. My GP said stress also caused my huge energy crashes and it still continues to. So Christmas I knew my anxiety was there due to having to see family. I was scared I'd see them and crash energy wise so close to Christmas.It caused me daily anxiety with fear of seeing them I made myself ill with anxiety and with that ever since CHristmas I have been struggling with fatigue again, weak thighs daily that won't ease and again back to easily crashing. Yesterday we went to the duck pond with our children and 1 small shop. I came home feeling tired, had a quick shower and then fatigue hit bad and today I feel weak and drained. So there goes my anxiety again worrying what's wrong with me, why at 37 am I like this, what if it's something been misssed etc...

I have now started to worry if Mirtazapine is causing this, my GP and husband say it wouldnt and I have chronic faitgue due to having post traumatic stress and a thyroid illness but I am struggling to accept it. I wanted to wean off Mirt but read some awful stories of withdrawing, nothing positive which has scared me I will be on this forever. I know my GP is right and right now while I adapt to having a chronic illness it's not a good time to withdraw. When I look back to how anxious and terrified I was after I was attacked and how severe my anxiety was I can see now I am relaxed and laid back. I still have some abnormal thoughts but they no longer scare me and they are just there out of habit from when I used to freak out for having them. I jsut worry it's caused my phobias etc but again i am told the agoraphobia, loss of confidence, social phobia etc has all come from having an anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress.

Am i doing right to stay on them? I am now a health weight (I was a painful 84lbs before Mirtazapine, almost all my adult life) I sleep so well but daily I feel so weak in my legs, tired all the time, dizzy head....like a zombie and it causes me anxiety attacks. I always worry it's made my health issues worse but it's so hard to know when you have stress, anxiety and an underactive thyroid. I feel confused about what to do for the best. I am coming through the latest anxiety setback after Christmas set me back so why am I putting myself under pressure to come off. I think it's because it's coming up to 4 years on them and I fear i should have stopped them by now and not been on them for such a long time.

Sorry to post again.

Thank you

Julie

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