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Hey there I'm Phil and I'm 21 y.o and am constantly worrying about my path in life and also being disconnected from reality. Ever since high school and grade school I was always that friend that was joked around with, made fun of but in a playful way. However those "playful jokes" hurt me deep down inside. Now if no one is making fun of me, I do it to myself and my peers go along with it. I hate the feeling of it but I don't know how to communicate at times without throwing in a painful joke at myself or just joking in general. Granted I should seperate myself from them, I don't know how to deal with all those feelings/loses. Whenever I'm in social interactions and I have a completely different perspective of a certain situation, some of the individuals give me a weird look like and I get very discouraged and often haze up on my explanation of the topic. I often feel like I'm never going to find a partner as well, for some reason I see past all of the personality traits of people and only care about their beauty on the outside and their actions. My family and I are currently having some problems, from my mother drinking almost every night to my dad and his stage 4 copd. I don't really know how to cope with my parents because we always have different opinions and always butt heads. I sometimes feel like I'm the parent because they have such a conservative lifestyle and open their mind to new ways of life all the time. I hate having that feeling over my head. Often I feel I'm stupid and not smart enough for anything so I stick myself in my man cave and only go out if its with my one great friends to these autocross events or if its to hang out at his place. I can't even bring myself to get outside go down to the bank (3 minutes away) and ask how much I could possibly get for a loan. I always want the best for everyone and always am very blunt and try to be helpfu but it always backfires. I used to text people all the time and now I have no one to talk to. I miss having that one person I can talk to about anything, share my life with him/her and rather than judging me, lift me up, I have internet friends but they aren't the same. This is turning into a rant and I don't think the page has a high enough character limit for all of the problems I have soaked up in my head. From my reasonable POV Its my body taking a lot of change at once, and not knowing how to deal with it. Anyones .02 is appreciated I feel like I'm going crazy or am holding on to the last strings that I have before I go nuts.
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