"Get a grip" I tell myself...

Posted , 6 users are following.

Pulling yourself up, dusting yourself down and taking charge of your    life can be an up hill battle.. Here is my story.  I had a wonderful life, no real financial worries, worked hard, loved socialising and had the most wonderful man of 22 year, great mutual friends all on the same page and boom... I got unwell. Chronic conditions that have plagued me for a long time.  It didn't take long when I was on my knees before I was unceremoniously dumped whilst on the floor in pain.  He couldn't take it so he left and... wait for it, a couple of months later he came back, the usual sorry, miss you, made a mistake and please can I come home.  I was desprate and let him come home, after all we all make mistakes, don't we? I just wanted support in getting well again. He came home but really he didn't.  He was there in physical form but not mentally.  2 years of misery later he ups sticks again, didn't like being with me and of course in true mid life crisis form was having an affair with the much younger model.  As if I didn't have enough to deal with health wise.  Within days he'd moved her in to the second home, the pension scheme so to speak and "started his new life" quote.  He is very comfortably off and gives me a small income each month, beggars can't be choosers. He's left me in our home we built together, always with the threat he may come after me, hangs over me like a mallet. I call him my husband as we were together in total for 25 years but never married. I have no rights, no means of supporting myself and the mistress is hot on my heels with her hate campaign as she feels threatened by me.  The old crock who can't work, who is unwell and looks like hell but she hates me.  Can't think why after all she came here to work for him and snared the boss, has my cottage, my man, my life, his money the blessing of his family and I'm left unable to fix my car, no oil in my tank, living on the bread line and struggling to cope.  They have been left to get on with it in peace, no trouble from me.  I need to sell my lovely home but I can't afford to get the building regs signed off as there is a problem with the build.  I've had promis  after promis he'd help but nothing comes.  it's a strain.  I try and hold my head up and be as dignified as I can but it's hard.  Started a new relationship,with a nice man but my Heath still plagues me and I didn't want to be a burden so I ended it.  Life is lonley.  The wonderful mutual friend vanished for the bountiful life the ex had on offer and the curiosity of the new younger foreign girl "who can do the thinks that you can't do" was bluntly expressed to me.  I'm determined not to fall foul of this mess but just how do you stay positive and pull yourself up again.  

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Life can be lonely. We are gregarious animals. (Most of us) If this is the first attempt at reaching out, you have taken the first Positive Step. That is great. You are not alone. There are millions of careing, thoughtful people in the world and some of them are here, in this forum. Watch as others will, hopefully, respond. Sending you "positve vibes"

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  • Posted

    Hi sadly this isn't an uncommon story but don't blame the gf put all the blame where it belongs, on your ex's shoulders.  Some men are such fools and he must be very shallow to want a much younger woman.  It seems he only wants an ornament on his arm.

    I bet she will leave him high and dry one day and goes after a much younger man.  She will also one day be old herself and the same thing could happen to her.  I believe in karma and life will one day get the pair of them.

    You are strong and will survive somehow so stay focused and have hope that things will get better.  x

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  • Posted

    Potplant, you write so well, is there a novel in there somewhere? You've definitely come out worse in this situation, I feel for you and admire you for your dignity in this sorry but well-told story of middle-aged man does a runner ( coward ).

    What are your chronic health conditions, if you don't mind me asking? It sounds like these are your main problem? ... Especially if they cause you to reject new men / company in your life? You deserve to move forward and it seems like it's not your mental, but your physical state that's getting in the way.

    All power to you, and thanks for sharing. 

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    • Posted

      Hello karehippy, thank you for your kind response.  

      My heath deteriorated 5 years ago, I was a spelt size 8 with thighs like pistons and a buttox like ballbarings, hugely competitive cyclist and runner.  I had several accidents mountain biking and ended up with a prolapse for my trouble.  I have awful gastritis, a bulky uterus, ovarian cysts, endometriosis and food intolerances. Enough flatulance to floor a small village if one lights up and I'm mildly depressed.  (Mildly) being manegable because I'm determined to pull myself out of it although very difficult.  I have huge bouts of pain, it's undescibable.  Surgery is a long way off as the NHS where I live is diar and it's only recently been diagnosed as in a year or so ago that's how long I'm waiting.  I can't have a physical relationship as the pain is staggeringly awful.  

      Surgery is is an option but the prolapse is in a difficult area and I don't want mesh for the repair then a hystorectamy may cause my bowel to drop further, it's a mental rollacoaster, just literally happened over night.  My parner couldn't cope as I became so depressed, it was sudden and life changing so he embarked on an affair to appease himself and the mistress got the quarry. 

      Day by day I remain as positive as I possibly can and I can't wait to see my lupine in full bloom, my geraniums are stunning and my decking has been given a new lease of life thanks to Ronseal.  My house looks beautiful in this gorgeous weather and I dread calling in the Estate Agent to come value.  I am angry that I was left with no means of supporting myself otherwise I'd be working to keep hold of my home.  It truly is idyllic but he also could come and try and take it off me, he has a legal team at his business, so far he hasn't but who knows.  It's a huge worry.

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  • Posted

    Wow, that's a HUGE amount to be dealing with, fairplay! And no medication or counselling - just mind over matter? You deserve a medal, a hug and a holiday! Gardening is underrated for keeping you sane, obviously... 

    It seems that your concerns come in 3 catagories: Finance, fitness and f***wit (the ex!) So, are you in receipt of any disability allowance - if you can't work? Also, there might be a Citizens Advice drop in centre near you, or an hour of free legal advice somewhere that would put your mind at rest vis a vis your rights.

    I really hope you have understanding doctors / specialists looking after your health, it makes such a difference to know that they get the whole picture, it's even worth changing your doctor or insisting on second opinions, if not. Did you notice after you'd posted that endometriosis and gastritis have their own advice forums, too? It might be reassuring to see how other people cope - and share your humour on the subject of flatulence! (And have you ever tried acupuncture for the pain? It worked wonders on my prolapsed disc last year)

    As far as the f***wit goes, is it possible he's just looking for an easy life now, and doesn't want to punish you further? God willing.... 

    Keep in touch and rant whenever you need to! xx

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  • Posted

    Yes thinking of seeing an physio that does acupuncture, osteopath that cracks the back.  The strain of the last few year has certainly taken its tol on my body.  I ache with  the pain I've been through both mentally and physically.  Had I have not been so athletic and hold onto idea that I'll be cycling again soon, I think I would have fallen apart at the seams.  In truth it's been hell despite the bravado, I cling on to the hope I'll be able to do some of the things I used to do.  I will never be able to cycle the mountains over here again but I am determined to get up some of the hills when I'm well again.....but I am tired and still hurting very much and wish I could roll back the last 5 years and .... don't think it would have made a difference to my relationship but I had no children and that really hurts, I wanted them so much, no that I can't I'm dreading that she (mistress) will be walking the streets heavily pregnant and I don't know how to face that. Can't believe I'm telling anyone this, I feel I'm going to burst with the agony of it all. 

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  • Posted

    If you could see not only a physio / acupuncturist / osteopath but also get a regular massage to get some human healing and touch back in your life, that could really help with the emptiness you're feeling? I don't know, just a thought. You deserve every kindness in your life right now. Have you got anyone who you can be totally honest with, as you have with us? I really do feel your pain. Is your ex close by? You say you're worried about seeing them... 

    Lots of love to you xx

     

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    • Posted

      She moved home whilst he was debating who he wanted, as in her or me, she had no choice, the staff at the office where scandalised about what they had done, she's from Poland, he has moved out there but comes home regularly and is back right now.  I have no idea when she moves here or if they are getting married or if she is pregnant, she was adamant she wanted this immediately, (seal the deal) inheritance, peopery and business all thrown in whilst swinging from the shandelears. (Pardon the pun)! - despite the 20 year age gap.  The whole thing smacks mid life crisis to me, vanity, wanting to stay young, ego... I don't really have many friends since the split, his family were my family, mutual friends left one by one, invites to parties are now non existent.  I've sincerely been put in my place.  I feel like I'm the one being punished for his infidelity.  Oddly enough this is what happens.  She clearly has him where she wants him and he's too fickle to see it.  I sometimes think he's lost it, so out of character for him but gosh what can you do.  I think I should move out of the area but it's such a wrench and physically I'm not able to do much.  We had so many wonderful years together, a blast and then this.  I feel like my life has been hijacked, I wanted IVF but he said no. I'm trying to be as understanding as possible but my heart is hurting. I dont want to face it. I just can't. 

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  • Posted

    Understood, and understood. To say you're dealing with this on your own is an understatement! Why do you feel like everyone is on her side? I reckon his family would still like to hear your views - you're the person who knows him best, after all... Time is something that can never be taken away from you. If he's having a mid-life crisis then that's HIS problem. If she's 20 years younger it STILL doesn't count!! You and him had the best years together and no-one can take that away from you, ever. It's possible that everyone involved is feeling uncomfortable and don't know how best to communicate with you? A drink, cup of tea - something really simple with the people you once spent a lot of time with and who loved and appreciated you could surprise you and help more than might think?

    I'm going through a break up myself at the moment, we were only together 7 years but... Well safe to say I hope that time IS the great healer. There was no third party involved but that would be the added pain that could potentially put me over the edge. You've been so strong this far, you can actually do this!! Your health can be monitored and improved over time and your mental state - whether you can appreciate this or not - is already under control, honestly!! 

    Moving away could be the right thing to do, but who knows? If you really don't have ANY support where you live now then there could be an incentive to go elsewhere and start afresh, but we both know that takes guts... I've had my house valued recently, I felt good and in control by doing that, and the following week felt vulnerable.

    Keep in touch (privately, if you prefer) Lots of love, Kate xx

     

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    • Posted

      Kate, darling I'm so sorry to hear that, oh bless you. 7 years is a long time especially if you have good memories.  I don't know how to do private, lord I need tuition off a 5 year old.  I'm new to all this, only discovered how to use FB a few weeks ago... 

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