💊 ❗ So angry my GP gave me FENTANYL without warning me how powerful it is!

Hi Caroline.

Hoping you're ok my mate as haven't heard from you, So really do hope you're doing ok!!

I've sent you a pm & why is there such a bloody great big delay & lag on here when ever you type anything. So annoying!!!!!

Welcome to the forum Andy, your story is heartbreaking I hope they can do something for you, stay strong mate😊

Andy. Wow!!!! You are an absolute star my mate!!! Everything you have been through & everything you are going through!!!!

All you need when in really bad pain is for a pain fairy to come & take all the pain away from you! Sorry if i sound like a complete fruitcake but, thats what we all want, those of us in pain.

Most of us on here have been fed the drugs that do more harm than good, even though, at first we think, thank God, this really does ease my pain, only to find out a few weeks/months later that we are on double the original amount as the initial dose just doesn't help anymore!!

Good luck Andy, we're all here for you mate!!!

Ritchie

Hi

Thanks for the kind message I hope so too. All I want is to be able to be the dad I should be to my son and new one when he is born and be a good fiancée to my partner. She has really struggled with all this since it happend and it’s not nice for her she is my career mire than anything now and that’s not what she signed up for. 

I will get better I have to believe that but I keep getting knocked back every time. Feels like I’m fighting a loosing battle really but I’ve always been a fighter and don’t intend to stop now.

I just live in hope and pain like so many others.

Richie

Thanks for the reply means allot. I too really wish there was a pain fairy I would do anything to have just a week without it. The docs that prescribe these don’t tell you half the really bad stuff that they do to you I now know from my own research that my brain won’t be back to normal after fentanyl for up to 2 years. It’s scary really what these things do to your system without you really knowing. Saying that fentanyl made me a horrible person very angry and snappy towards those closest to me and during the detox those feeling have been exaggerated 5 fold.

I can’t wait to be done with the fent but I know getting there is only half the battle got to get off others too. And stay off then but I already know the pain is going to be horrendous as it is already and will only get worse. 

I think it’s difficult for other people who are not in the same pain as us to actually appreciate just how dibilitating it is and what it stops us doing in life. 

Hope you get some relief for your situation too 

Andy

You will get there or find peace trying, it's not nice and it is a struggle but I hope we can offer good advice and support on those days that are harder than most, we all stick together and help each other through.

I know it's tough on your partner I feel the same about my husband he also has to do everything I once did, it's so maddening I just have to hope that I will get sorted one day to 😊

Thanks Caroline 

That’s my hope to and I always try my hardest to do what I can but as you know most of it is by her now and being 21weeks pregant I feel so guilty about not being able to help or even get down stairs on most days. Unfortunately she does allow her resentment to show quite often and that’s hard it makes me feel worse but she doesn’t mean too.  She wanted the 2nd child and we banked on my surgery working so I would be around much more and as I. Said it failed so it’s actually worse now.

I hope the detox will help and the consultant said that the fentanyl was actually contributing to my pain at the levels I was at rather than stopping it so maybe I’ll get a break somewhere down the line. Always have to keep the hope no matter how small I’d go crazy otherwise.

i went through withdrawal from fentalyn but fortunately for me I wasn't on it that long or a high dose so I didn't suffer to bad, 8 days and I was fine but I seen HELL. I also went through withdrawal again this time last year from palexia/tapentadol (another opiod) which took 6 months and still have bad days now but there few and far between( 2 years at 300mg per day), now that was horrendous, after the fentalyn I vowed never to take another pain killer but there I was going through it again. What I can say is in the early days my pain was a 10 all day everyday but looking back I swear my pain was worse because of the meds and the withdrawals, I would say once there out your system it takes a while for your body to adjust but it does eventually and with it the pain is still 8-10 but it's an improvement so I don't think opioids work long term but only make the problem worse. I'm sure one day when your off all these chemicals youl be able to tolerate your pain better, it's unbelievable that doctors are allowed to give us it in the first place but for some I think once you've gone through that hell you can cope with anything. Your a determined young man with a lot to look forward to so keep your chin up and fight it all the way😊

Also it takes along time for you to accept and adjust to your current way of life so don't be to hard on yourself and never give up😊

Caroline 

Thank you again for your message and I know what you mean with tapentadol I was on that before fentanyl and like you took 6 months to detox that was hell I agree. They actually had me on 100mg a day over the recommended limit for almost a year before my consultant found out and scared me into detoxing I made the mistake of dropping a 100mg strait away that was I bad idea I know that.

I said once off willxsee how my pain was and I lasted 6 weeks before being totally bedbound by pain. Then started the fentanyl and it worked at first I thought amazing finally I can live a little but didn’t last long before had to be increased and increased again. I have also detox tramadol and venlafaxine plus gabapentin and pro sometimhibg from the same family that made me a dizzy mess. I think you are right in that the drugs can make it worse as even with the fentanyl I was still in allot of pain even at that high dosage as it had stopped working. I am going to try and go without any opioids for as long as I can when I finish this detox and see how my pain is then but if right now is anything to go by I won’t last long. 1 thing for sure is I am not going to have opioids anymore. Too much detox he’ll. but what else is there?? I don’t know what’s best but I will try and cope without the nasty things. I’m in oxy for breakthrough pain 40mg every 4 hours which is a constant right now and the docs are worried I’m swapping one for the other but I have no choice if I want to function at all. What do you think. I don’t have it everyday but if I am up I have to have it I haven any choice the pain is too much to handle with the detox.

I know there's a few in here who have struggled with oxy but at the mo I think you need to battle one drug at a time and don't worry about anything else, I wish I had the answers mate I really do, it's so difficult to hear how so many people are suffering.

Can I ask how you ended up like this?

Are you under pain management or is you gp sorting your meds out for you,

Sorry if you've already wrote this but as I'm sure you can understand I have brain fog😂 I'm sure my husband would beg to differ😂😂but I'll call it brain fog for now, my heart goes out to you😊

Im no gp Caroline but, I can definitely confirm that you do have, what we Proffessionals in business we are in call; Opiate Induced Brain Fog. Otherwise known as: Unbeknown to you & everyone else; drug induced screwing your brain to bits!!!

Ritchie ;-) x x

😂😂 thank you xx

Brain fog again can relate 

I was under pain management team at Addembrookes in Cambridge after being with Peterborough and them refusing a new procedure and sending me to Cambridge. Peterborough pain clinic recommended fentanyl after recommending tapentadol and been on it ever since.

Cambridge have now done all they can do for me at the moment the final procedure didn’t work and that’s the end of the line with regards to them. However the cosnultant who has my respect had sent me back to neuroscience at Cambridge as he thinks there is more they can do for me and should have been monitoring me for the last 3 years which they haven’t done. 

My gp just gives me the drugs he is told to by pain team.

I have no idea how the initial damage occurred to my spine it was when I was young and there are 3 instances I remember hurting my back badly but can’t pinpoint which did it. Since then I had a car accident in 2009 which made the spine twist the other way and straitened the lumbar part to cope with the kyphosis at the thoracic level. Since 2012 collapsed when my leg gave way twice in a day due to pressure in my spine and it’s been this bad ever since apart from the odd times starting new drugs and the pain relief they gave but that soon went.

That’s all I can say about how it happened really it all had a knock on effect to me whic has led to this point.

Hope that helps in some way what about you if you don’t mind me asking??

Can't believe they've just left you for 3 years, I think if you don't shout loud enough they push you to one side, it stinks!!

I had an l4/5 prolapsed disc and went privately to have a 1 level fusion 14 years ago, was told 70% success but because I was young and a personal trainer I was the "perfect candidate" 🤔

I never had any after care, no follow up, no meds...nothing. I have a 7 inch scar?

I have suffered chronic pain since but also in the thoracic area and after 7 years had an MRI which showed an arachnoid cyst compressing my spinal cord t2-6, they said it wasn't caused by the surgery? It was, and then with the pressure from lumbar and thoracic it has lead to cervical degeneration, 5 bulging discs, cervical lordosis (opposite to kyphosis) bone spurs.

I was told recently that the fusion had failed and that the screws might be loose but now there saying everything's fine, I'm now wandering if the pain and instability is coming from faucet joint syndrome so I will keep researching until I find answers. 

I have to have an annual MRI on the cyst, if it becomes sympathetic then removal will caused paralysis or death..nice. I have chronic rhomboid and trapezius muscle spasms and left leg weakness which he can't rule out is as a symptom of the cyst.

On the bright side my husband and I are going to see John bish op tonight, thought we could do with a good laugh, I will suffer for it but missed out on so much this year already.

Hope your having a better day today, just got to keep on fighting I truly believe that something can be done but if it comes down to money it won't be offered😢

Have you tried chiropractic treatment?? 😊

Hi Caroline today is not very good pain has gone crazy for whatever reason. It sounds like you have been through the mill too. Sorry to hear that but I agree you have to believe there is something out there that can help me at some point. I am only 37 and I feel like I’m 60 most days. They were supposed to keep checking on my spine kyphosis progression every year but it just got put to one side when pain management got involved. I have found recently if I don’t get anywhere talking to the secretary’s it anyone I just call PALS and they sort it all out very quickly. So will hopefully get something done via that route. As I said I don’t care what they do as long as it helps me at least a little. The curve of the kyphosis is now getting over 75’ and the first check 3 years ago was 58’ so I know it’s progressive and so do they but as you said money is a problem when it comes to will they do anything about it. I know the risks involved are not good odds 1-10 I’ll never walk again and prob still be in pain so is it really worth the risk. In some ways I think it is but knowing my luck I’ll end up totally messed up and loose what little life I have left with my son and partner. 

John Bishop is great you will at least have a laugh even though you will suffer. Your like me you know that if you do something then you will pay for it for a few days after. My family hate me for that as I make that decision based on whether it’s worth the chronic pain doing it will cause. 

I will always fight as if I don’t I will slip back into depression again and that helps no one. I thank you for taking the time to talk to me it’s helped me allot reading the posts you have wrote for me and others.

I hope you enjoy your night out it will be worth it to spend time with your partner and have a laugh.

Hope it goes well!’

Andy

Ah Andy I'm so annoyed for you with regards to keeping an eye on kyphosis, I used to go to my appointments on my own then I realised I wasn't being taken seriously so now I take my husband and what a difference! just this past year I seem to have more tests and scans. Keep on to them and don't let them fob you off, just let them know your not taking there bull, I have encountered a few that think there God but that's another story.

So sorry your pain has increased I hope you manage to get it under control, stress dosnt help it and getting stressed dosnt solve our problems.

37 is no age and they should be taking that into consideration a bit more instead of signing you off, ooh it makes me so mad😡

We will enjoy our night thank you it's been along time and wasn't even sure I would be able to go but just thought go on live a little😂😂

You take care and try and rest, I'm glad talking is helping you, keep your chin up mate we will find a way somehow 😊

Caroline

Hi just wanted to say thank you for the messages the other day they helped me keep things in perspective.

I hope your had a good time a John Bishop and are not to bad after it.

I have a question for you if you isn’t mind.

I have just dropped from 37mg go 25mg fentanyl and god I feel awful today. Rls and pain has gone through the roof as well as sweats stomach upset and grenetal pain in all my muscles I think my fibromyalgia is kicking off agAin. My question is when you detoxed the fentanyl did you have this happen when you got to lower dose drops? This is by far the worst I have felt. Though the whole detox tapering and it seems strange that it’s done it now when I am getting low and near the end. It feels like the withdrawal symptoms I’ve been having have been exaggerated 5 fold. I am so angry with myself as I lost my temper with my little boy tonight for no real reason just snapped. Bless him he just hugged me and said sorry, braught me go tears that he thought is was him who needed to say sorry. It’s definatly me. I did the same with my partner she had blood tests as not been feeling well and is pregnant and she wanted to explain it to me. I was so badly out of it my brain just didn’t function and I upset her by not listening to the problem that is quite serious. I never do that I am so disappointed in myself for being an absolute j&&k to her. I ended up speaking to my mum to find out what the raised CRP levels meant and then apologised to my partner for being an idiot. I’m not a selfish person but I felt so bad today it just came out without me even noticing. It’s scared me a bit as if this is what it’s like now I don’t think I’ll handle the next drops if they are worse.

One big of good news was I got my gp to prescribe a nsaid for me go help with the swelling in my spine and help control the pain levels a bit better it’s called moxicam or something but not sure if it’s working if not got no sleep at all last night and the same is happening tonight but I stayed in bed today the pain anc withdrawal was so bad. I am so ashamed I shouted at my son today but I feel so angry right now mainly at myself due to what’s happened today and how I feel. I feel selfish for doing the detox and hurting the closest people to me making them feel that I don’t care about them only me. I hate that feeling. Sorry I’m ranting just thought need to get this out and maybe I can focus and get past it a little bit.

I knew from reading other forums that the withdrawal gets worse the lower you go but today was a new low for me I feel so alone cuz I what I did today and i hats myself for it.

I actually considered giving up today for the first time in a long time so that I don’t do what I did again but I can’t give up now, I’m doing it for them as much as myself so I can be the dad I want to me not this waste of space I am right now.

I’ve also started worrying about my esa and pip payments after reading that they criteria has changed and I might not get the same score next time. I am currently in the support group esa and highest level pip I’m trrrified of loosing either it would cripple us as a family and I think my partner would leave me if it happens. She deserves so much more than I can give her I’m scared

Sorry my post sent for some reason without me touching it.

I’m scared of what is going to happen to me over the next month if it’s going to be worse than this today I think it will crush my spirit. I feel like I’m going to loose everything if I keep going like this.

I don’t understand why it’s been such a bad drop this time it’s only 12mg drop but the overall feeling is really bad I don’t know what to do.

I feel like I am slipping forxeven considering giving up and my anxiety and depression is worsening because of it. I have history in November and have to deal with that also so I think I may be a combination of all of it together. I can deal with one big thing at a time but struggle when there is more than one thing to deal with. 

I feel liks my strength is going and I’m loosing control I’m 37 years old and I can’t stop crying today I feel week and useless. I know I need go focus and keep going but those thoughts about giving up are really persistent it’s nit helping that I can’t get comfortable from pain so I can sleep. Just laying here reading posts and websites is frying my brain. I just want to sleep through it all.

Sorry to put this on you I feel rubbish reading and remembering what I did today feel so selfish and alone.

Sorry 😐 

Andy it's the drugs messing with your mind don't let them win mate your stronger than them.

I totally understand how your feeling and believe me it's "normal" for now, but this will pass I promise. I was only 25s for about 8 weeks and I started overdosing so did not taper just removed the patch and went into withdrawals that lasted 8 days and it was HELL!! I had no idea how long I was going to be bad but I couldn't even speak at one point I was so weak and ill. 

Do you think you could make some time with your wife so you can both have a real Heart to heart and get all your worries out on the table, explain how ill you are and how worried and frightened you are of this whole situation but also re assure her that it won't be forever and once your over these horrendous withdrawals youl be able to support her once again. 

You have a lot to fight for mate don't give up because of this massive bump in the road, you'll come through this a stronger person there's no doubt about that but it's going to take time, don't be to hard on yourself it will only add to your stress and god knows you don't need anymore right now.

We've all wanted to give in but hang on in there it will pass soon, Everyone has a level that they find is the one that's going to break them but your so close to the finish line now and you should be extremely proud of yourself for getting this far, after all you did not ask to be put in this situation.

Keep fighting this for you and your beautiful family and all will be good again soon I'm sure of it.

Are you taking magnesium for muscle spasms and cramps, warm baths and short walks when your able.

Your not on your own either we're all here to help you through this, I hope you've managed to dose off but give me a shout let me know how your doing, everything is so much worse at night, I know Iv had plenty sleepless nights and the worry goes off the scale, take each day as it comes and don't worry about tomorrow we will cross that bridge...

Don't waste your energy on feeling guilty it will eat you up, focus on staying strong and focused and remember we have all been there so you CAN do this to, I promise 😊

Also andy I just want to say that this time last year I was going through withdrawals from another opiod called palexia/tapentadol and it was 6 months of HELL, I couldn't imagine 12 months on I'd be looking back on that horror and trying to help others through it, at the time it seemed impossible to think of being "normal" again but I am...well almost😂, so basically what I'm saying is in a few months you will look back on this and probably wander how the hell you survived it but you will, I promise you😊

TCaroline

Thanks for your messages means allot so thanks a million.

Didn’t manage to sleep and had a really rough day today. Had a big argument when I tried to explain what’s going on with me to my partner and she says I’m being selfish for doing this detox while she is pregnant and also the speed I am doing it at even though we agreed it was the best way when I started.

I am apparently so focused on detox I am selfish and don’t care about my family and what it’s doing to them. The problem with that is I knew all to well what it’s doing to them and I’m focused on it so I don’t fail. I can make her happy if I have a good day that is fine but when I go into bad times she uses my emotional weekends tk make sure I know she is annoyed at me. I don’t know what to do. 

She wants me to stop and go back up a dose for couple months and let it settle then try again so I will still be in detox by the time our baby is born- how will that help any of us?? And if I give up now and put another patch on will I have the will power to put myself through it again knowing what I know now about how bad it is.

I’m not sure but in my mind I don’t think I am the one being selfish.

I know it’s havjng an impact on her and we spoke anout this before the pregnancy for 2 years she used emotional blackmail until I finally caved and said ok we can try for another baby. But I made it clear at that time that I will be detoxing and I will only do it if she can handle me not being around if I’m bad. She promised me that she would not be angry with me and would not resent me in anyway if I agreed to try. 

We did try and it happened very fast like 2 weeks in. I knew that she wouldn’t keep her word and would take everything out on me which she does well.

I’ve been in a relationship before where she used emotional blackmail to get what she wanted and swore I would never go through it again but here I am fighting my own denons and havin. To deal with it once again.

I hate to say it but as bad as I feel today I wonder whether it’s worth staying. Obviously for my children yes it is but how do I please someone when nothing is good enough.

I have honestly had more support on here in the last two weeks than from the closest person in my life and gnatcatcher hurts like hell.

I don’t know what to do. I tried talking to her about it but this is what happened. My mum is being very supportive and wants me to carry on doing what I am doing as she worries that I will not put myself through it again if I quit now.

I too have detoxed tapentadol I was in 100mg over the recomended limit for a year at 400mg a day and I agree that was not nice tapering down it’s a nasty drug but at present this is worse. That last drop has done me in my mind is a mess and emotions all over the place. I have decided for this to work somethings got to give and I will not stop my detox not now I am so close to the end so it has to be something else.

My partner is not talking to me tonight so at least we are not arguing. I just want to sleep and honestly the way I feel right now would like to stay that way I’m a fighter and would never take the easy route out so don’t worry  about that just how I feel right now. Couldn’t do it to my kids.

I am really lost these last couple days it’s been a big shake to my foundations but I have to believe I’m doing the right thing it’s just hard when I’m getting knocked from all angles. I never asked for any of this but have to suffer like so many others daily to just try to live. I feel like I’m loosing the will to fight after today’s argument really don’t see the point if she can’t accept I’m doing this for all of us and thinks I’m selfishly putting myself through hell just for the fun of it I don’t know what’s the best thing to do obviously talking hasn’t helped and shouting will get me no where.

Do you think I am being selfish doing what I am doing?! Pls be honest will be nice tic have a neutral prospective on it.

Sorry to rant just have no one to talk too.

Hi Andy.

I really do feel your pain mate as it sounds similar in a way to how i felt.

When I look back now after I was on all that Oxycontin, I knew I had to get off it before it killed me!

I've probably told you this as ive said it so many times now but when I dropped from around 1500mgs per day & was doing ok on my detox, when I got down to 320mgs per day, that's when it hit me. Every single day I was suicidal, the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid was the thought of my beautiful daughter's being heartbroken that I wasn't around for them! That's what kept me going!!

Talking to my partner who has stood by me through all of this, when I was first prescribed the 20mgs of Oxycodone per day, all the way 8yrs later to the 1500mgs & all through the detox to current day. She was & is amazing But, I do know, even though it's messed up my memory. That I put her through hell mate, even though I don't even now think I was as bad as she says I was, I know I was!!!

I know why you're doing it as quick as you are because i wanted off everything asap. The Drs are amazed at how quick I dropped it. Even now, I was on 115mils of methadone per day a year ago, I've dropped it to 40 now currently. The addiction Psychiatrist says he's never known anyone drop it so quick But, it's because everytime I have reduced, I've felt ok.

The only thing I would say though & being totally honest mate, is, even though it's you that's going through all the physical & mental torture, your partner & kids are going through the emotional torture with you also.

Please don't rush things, especially when your partner needs support also with the pregnancy. If you have to go back up slightly to stabilise your mood for a while, don't be afraid to do it.

It doesnt mean youve failed at all!!!

You've got loads of time to reduce again when you're ready. And also to reduce at a lesser level so you don't struggle so much!

Hope this makes sense.

Take care mate

Ritchie

OH MY GOD!!!!

Looks like the moderator who loves playing God is back watching me yet again!!!

Why don't you people moderating have a word with yourselves for christ sake!!!!

Lots of love

Your favourite person to mod

Ritchie xxxx

Hi Richie

Thanks for the response whatever it is once I get to see it after moderation lol

I’ll reply once I’ve seen it thanks though.

I'm really sorry about that Andy.

I usually copy what i post as they always do this even though there was nothing at all in my post to you that broke any rules.

I think they just like to wind me up.

If it carries on much more I'll just delete the website & wont bother trying to help people in a similar situation to what I was in. I'll find a website that actually believes in being there to help others. It's pathetic mate. I even read it over 3 times to make sure there was nothing that would cause them to block the post. Guess I should've copied & pm'd it you as i would normally do But, they've been grown up recently & behaved.

It was a long post But, the top & bottom of it was:

Don't be too very hard on yourself. Dropping too much too quickly can be a bad thing. You have loads of time & even though you're struggling & going through sheer hell both physically & mentally, your wife & kids will be going through it with you emotionally, especially with her being pregnant.

She will need your support, as well as you needing hers mate. Does that make sense? In the condition you're in, you will do things you wouldn't normally do, then wonder why. It's the drugs mate.

Basically I said, if you need too, just to be a little more stable, go back up slightly on your dose, it's not a bad thing as you've done so well to reduce as quick as you have by as much as you have. Youve proved you can do it, so you can do it again! Also, if your relationship is suffering, then why put yourself through it when you can be stable, your wife is happier, which helps you etc. Do you know what I'm trying to say?

I'm only saying this because I've been there too mate.

I dropped from 1500mgs per day of Oxycontin down to 320mgs per day which, was going ok till I hit the magical 320mgs per day. When I hit that number, I hit a massive brick wall, was suicidal & couldn't bring myself to do anything, socialise, leave the house etc. It had all gone which why they then put me on methadone.

All I'm trying to say is, it's not the end of the world to go back up slightly where you feel more stable. Everyone's happier, and go back to reducing when everyone is in a better place.

I hope this has helped, sorry if it hasn't.

Good luck mate

Ritchie

Andy. I'm sorry mate.

I've rewrote it & guess what!!!!

I've copied it this time & have pm'd you!

For the moderators, yet again!!!

Are you serious or are you just trying your very best to wind me up!!??

You do need to have a word with yourselves, explain at least why you have yet again blocked my post when my reply is trying to help Andy???

So, it turns out my posts after being banned have now been posted afterall,!!!! Well Fcuk me, I never did!!!!!!!!!!

I really hope It was worth the trouble & hassle of you clueless idiots moderating this site, the hassle you went through?????

During the time it took you useless idiots to go through my posts, word by word, line by line, all the hours totally wasted, I hope you idiots realise that someone could've been in such a low mood that, well, let's not go there hey!!!!!

Just think on in future that, every single one of us on here, isn't here to cause trouble. We're here to help & give advise as we've all been there before & know exactly what people asking for help are going through & were here because we WANT TO HELP!!!

Please stop being total Arseholes moderating every single post I post. As every post I post is to only to help someone in a situation that I was in, when I had NO HELP!!!!!

Ritchie!!!

Exactly Ritchie, we turn to these forums when we have no where else to go, for help, advice, to let off steam and when we are absalutely desperate, then if we are lucky enough to get our life's back on track it's nice to be able to help others going through the same turmoil.

Have you heard from Danny? 😊

No Caroline i havent heard from Danny since I last messaged him xx

Me neither I hope he's ok 😊Xx

I've messaged him Caroline.

I didn't send it on here on case the idiots without a life blocked it!!!!!!

I will let you know if he replies.

Try not to worry, I'm sure he is OK! Xx

I'll keep checking Caroline so try not to worry my mate!!

As soon as he replies I'll let you know straight away, even if it's 2 or 3.a.m!! 👍 xx

Nice one, Thanks Ritchie 😊Xx

No worries Caroline!

Sadly, unlike the idiots who run this site, were all here for each luckily!!!!! xx

I know, when I first started I had the same problem I actually left the forum for a long while because if it, much better now, well for me anyway😂😂

It is sad because so many people need help and this may be there last hope, we just never know😢😊xx

I know Caroline & who better to help than those who've been there right????

I'm just getting so very very sick of this site now. It's Pathetic. Especially when my posts eventually get posted anyway. It's as if they're doing it on purpose. I mean, can you honestly see anything I posted to Andy that should've been held back by mods?? Cus i cant??? xx

Nope! I was messaging someone a few months back and it was deleted 4-5 times not sure now but I was so frustrated I stopped trying, I wasn't doing to well myself so it was taking everything I had to try and help someone else, shocking really.

Well hopefully there taking note because it does get ridiculous 😊Xx

How you doing anyway Ritchie? Hope I s going good xx

Have just read this Andy. My first surgery failed, and I had to have it revised privately. The pain didn't improve after the surgery. BUT coming off the Fentanyl/morphine has DEFINITELY caused my pain levels to drop. I really, really am praying that this works for you too. I know how hard it is on your partner. I know my Husband gets resentful too. He doesn't show it, but he's extremely good at hiding his emotions. Too good really. You say it's not what your fiancee signed up for, but your fiancee DID agree to marry you, and marriage means "for better OR worse, in sickness and in health". Is there a Carer's group locally that she might be able to tap into? Also, I had a Community Care Assessment 2 years ago, completed by Adult Social Care. I was actually much better then, but they still put support in for me. I have someone come in 21 hours a week to tackle all the things I can't, even childcare. Plus feed me, else I probably would waste away! Your partner can also get a Carer's Assessment too, to look at her needs. I only know all this because I used to work as a Disabilities Social Worker. May be worth a shot. They have a Statutory Duty of Care to meet your critical and substantial physical, mental, and social needs. Social Workers tend to be a LOT more sympathetic than the rotten ESA, who have a vested interest in declining you and get paid to keep to targets. xxx

Hi Andy.

How's things with you mate?

Really hope you're doing ok!!?

Ritchie

Hello Andy. I wrote you a great long reply and it has gone!! I wrote a second, and that had gone too! I didn't write anything contentious in it at all. I don't understand what these moderators are playing at. I just wanted to say how sorry I am you are going through all this and I know just how hard it is too. Trying to cope with the pain and getting off the drugs at the same time. I'm just a few years older than you and I understand completely how much you want your life back and how much you want to be a good Dad. My Daughter is 7 years old and she has only ever known me like this. It breaks my heart. I really hope you beat the Fentanyl and that it helps your pain recede. Coming off morphine has definitely helped mine. We're here for you xxx

Please don't delete my posts moderators. I'm trying to comfort someone who is desperate for answers and for hope. Surely that's what this forum is for?

Emma.

I actually posted on here somewhere asking moderators to explain why they delete posts with nothing wrong at all. It really frustrates me especially when you ask them for a reason & they never give you one!! Perhaps because they can't!! 😠

We are all here to help each other, at times taking ages to write out a great big post only for it to get deleted when there is nothing wrong with it!

I even thought about just leaving the forum because i got so frustrated. But all of a sudden, all my posts started being left alone & they were no different to the ones that got deleted!?!?

I put it down to a moderator who didn't have a clue what they were doing & left. Sounds like they've come back & just like hitting the delete button!!

I got into the habit of copying the post I had spent half an hour typing up, when it got deleted I just pasted the post into a private message for the intended person. Just do that Emma till they leave you alone & either move back onto me or some other poor person!! 👍🤣🤣

Hello Caroline. I'm already starting to feel like that. I finally found 2 of my recent 'missing' posts, but at the bottom of the page?? Not as replies to the original post. I definitely hit the 'reply to' button. But the most important one, that I wrote to Andy, who seems to be going through a hell of a time is still missing. Plus the original ones I wrote in response to yourself and Ritchie. There seems to be a really bad lag whenever I write anything too! Am so frustrated at this site right now!! 😡

Sorry for the rant. Just things are stressful enough for all of us without this! I really hope you're OK. Emma - xx-

I think I'm going to have to do just that. Just drives me crazy that we're trying to help other people in the same situation and they don't realise how long it can take to write these posts some days. I've taken 2hrs to write a 3 line text when I've been doped to the eyeballs on morphine. Looks like today I'm super speedy! But it's not just that, it's all the little details that are now lost and I can't remember what I put or how I put it, but I know my post would have made Andy feel more supported. Something we all need right now. I can't just put 'oh, sorry you're in pain. So am I. Get well soon'. Can I? Christ. I'd sound like a Doctor then. Like I just couldn't be bothered. Sigh.

Think I will write something in Word and then PM it. When my head stops pounding anyhow! Thanks for the advice. Hope you're doing OK? xx

I thought the lag was just me!!!

Hi Andy

Just wondering how you were getting on mate & if things had improved any for you?

Really hope you're ok mate!!

Ritchie

How are you today Emma??

Did you get chance to ring release?

Have you been in touch with your surgery manager??

Sorry if I'm nagging you & sound like one of your parents 🤣🤣

Hope you're ok!!

Ritchie xx

Hi Richie

I am doing ok have finished my detox and am now almost 3 weeks clear of fentanyl.

I don’t feel great pain is hurendous at the moment which is to be expected until my body gets used to th chemical changes etc but I am now using allot more oxy and have been put in gabapentin, meloxicam and naproxen daily which puts me at 48 tablets a day plus oxy and it’s just not cutting it.

I know this process takes time and some days I do feel better without the fentanyl, I just can’t take the constant servere pain levels I havr got right now. 

I am having good days then bad days but have managed to spend quality time with my son and my partner and be involved more. Gritting my teeth and putting on s front so they don’t see how bad I really am underneath.

They went through the hell eith me and this is what I owe them now I’ve made it through to this side. Face it daily and do as much as I can with them.

My last two xmas have been ruined by pain and drugs so I am hoping that this one will be better for us.

As I said the only issue is now I’ve lost my main painkiller and am in withdrawal at the same time so I can’t really win. Just have to fight for what is the best thing in my life my family.

I managed to take my son out for a surprise early I xmas present to see Star Wars after telling him fir weeks he was to young and convincing him we were seeing a new Disney film.

He nearly jumped out of the chair when the first science came on the screen.

This is what the detox was all about and I am so happy I was able to see his face and have those moments with him, I’ve really missed that.

Anyway I hope you are well and merry Christmas to you and yours!

Hi emmyloue 

I have only just read the post so sorry for the late reply.

I haven’t seen the other message you mention but thank you for sending it to help me anyway.

I am now 3 weeks clear of fentanyl and in withdrawal and a ridiculous amount of pain. I am using my oxy like water and all my other back up break through meds. 

The pain starts as soon as I wake up if I’ve even managed to get any sleep. I have no buffer anymore now my primary pain killer is gone.

My docs have started me in gabapentin 600mg a day plus meloxicam and now naproxen and taken away my declofenac injections.

I now have to take 46/48 tablets a day at the last count and they at present are not helping.

I do feel better in myself now I am off fentanyl. 

My family think I am a different person but I hide what’s really going on from them. They went through the detox with me and reserve at least the front I put up so I can be with them more.

I just have to grit my teeth and face it each day. 

My days generally are start off bad and get gradually worse as the day goes on, but I have spent time with my son and have really enjoyed that time as it’s the main thing I miss being a good dad.

Also I have been around more for my fiancée which she appreciated.

I know it’s goibg to take a long time before my brain chemicals get back to normal but I’ve come this far and will not turn back. I think I have got through the hardest part and I am free and clear if the fentanyl now so can only get better I hope.

I am hoping to have a better xmas with family this year as last two have been ruined by pain and drugs. We had to cancel our holiday I denamark for xmas as my parter is 27 weeks pregnant and there is a risk of premature birth like my son who arrives at 28weeks plus I am detoxing so would not be much company for anyone.

So my family has arranged a danish cristmas day for my partner and family which I hope I am a part of this year.

Sorry if post is jumbled up a bit I have had all my back up meds to try and take the edge of the pain so I can try to sleep but it’s just messing with my head instead right now.

Can I ask when you went through the detox did you have allot more pain and also ok days then really bad ones following almost like your paying for having an ok day the day befire and if so how long did it stay like that once you were off the drugs completely??

Fentanyl was my primary pain killer so I knew the pain would increase allot but didn’t expect this much of an increase.

I can’t take it at times I have to go and lay down in my room to try and ease it off. The pressure in my spine is so intense I can’t crack it or lay in my back st all. Pls tell me it gets better soon???

I have to give the new drugs time to build up the docs said but I’m not sure I can wait that long. If I get out of bed the pain is strait away there from that second that is if I’m but already in pain when I wake up.

I managed to spend some real quality time with my son took him to the cinema to see star wars which he loved and to see his face and watch him jump out of his chair when it came in the screen was a lovely moment and they are what I miss the most.

I had told him for weeks he was to young to see it at cinema and then in the day convinced him we were seeing the new Disney kids film. His face was priceless and I will remember that to help me fight through the pain and withdrawal. 

Doing it laid me up the next day though as payment fir that moment with my son but I am willing to have it that way as long as I get the good memories.

He has always known me like this so he is enjoying seeing more of me now I am off the fentanyl.

My head feels better and so doesn’t y mind it’s just the pain and withdrawal symptoms that are bad right now. I am good st hiding them though so that’s what I am doing for the moment.

Again sorry if the post is jumbled up hope it was readable.

How are you doing??

Ready for xmas??

Merry Christmas to you and family!!

Andy

You're doing amazingly well mate, keep it up! You'll soon be through the withdrawals & spending that precious time with your family & seeing that look on your sons face is what its all about!!

You have a great Xmas too Andy, youll get there mate, you really are doing great!! 👍

Ritchie

Hi Ritchie. Oh Lord. Feel like I'm in hell right now. Would have to be Christmas too. I'm extremely lucky that my Husband has pretty much taken over organising Christmas. Especially, as I have a little girl. I keep trying to remind myself of everything I have to be greatful for, my Husband, Daughter, and some friends from past and present who have became unexpected sources of support. But being bedbound, and going through detox, and trying to deal with all the pain. I'm so so damned tired of it all. I've already had so many visits to Pain Management, Private and NHS Specialists and Consultants, scans, tests (including a discogram, which was pure torture), A 2 level PLIF, then a revised PLIF and ALIF, psychiatric intervention, an overdose attempt.... and every day I lay in bed, in the dark, and I beg for this to stop. I honestly just want my life to end now. Because I can't do this anymore. I'm just physically and emotionally burnt out. I'm sorry to bring a downer on the Christmas cheer, but I, well, that's just the truth. And I can't just pretend any different anymore.

Hi Andy. I'm so happy for you that you got to take your Son out. How old is he? My Daughter is the ONLY thing I am hanging on to right now. I am unfortunately suicidal and very nearly attempted an overdose 3 weeks ago. I was lucky enough that some tiny part of me won through and called my Husband, who was fortunately only 5 minutes away having just dropped my Daughter off at school. Otherwise, well, I had crushed up enough Oxycontin (I had been secretly stashing it away, which I know was a really stupid thing to do, but it was my 'get out of jail card' I guess). I don't want to do this to my family, but I know that my life has been destroyed and I'm wrecking my Husband's too. Like you, he *somehow* manages to hide it, but I've no idea how. Don't forget if you do need to speak openly about how you are feeling, but can't talk to your partner, we're here for you xx.

When I stopped the Oramorph, my pain definitely got better. No doubt. It's coming off the Oxycontin that has proved the challenge. I am, down to 60mg a day from 600mg and the pain in my lower spine, SI area is horrendous. Same with me. The pressure on my spine. I know my lack of movement isn't helping, but I am so weak (I can't eat a thing right now) I can barely stand. And yes, what I do one day, if I do too much will make things worse the next and wipe me out too. I keep being told to pace myself, but in the very rare times now where I am a bit more normal I'm just terrible at pacing. It's truly not in my nature. I've always be a full on, all or nothing kind of person. Which is why I can totally empathise with you about the impact it has upon you psychologically. Try telling a sky diving, scuba diving, skiing, travelling nut to learn how to replace those things with reading and TV and audio books (although I have found those the only thing I can seem to tolerate. TV is too in my face and I can't concentrate to read properly). It's like telling an athlete to quit their bid for Olympic glory and take up chess! People just don't get it. If you read the book by JoJo Moyes, 'Me before You'. It will really take resonate with you.

I think it will get better for you, the pain I mean. I don't know what your plan is long term. Whether you are going to come off opioids altogether, or just quit the Fentanyl and limit your intake of Oxy. You just need to slowly taper off the rest of your opiates if you can. And of course, the withdrawal symptoms will eventually pass too. I'm not sure how much you know about the physiological aspects of Withdrawal, but your body will send out 'search parties' into all parts of your body looking for any last traces of the drug. Your brain will deliberately amp up the pain to trick you into supplying it with more of the drugs too.

I don't know

I am not off it completely. Hypothetically, your brain should take several months to readjust to being without the drugs and to retrain your nervous system. If it IS only your nervous system being hypersensitised, that is increasing your pain, I've been told things can really improve, but if you have another underlying condition, which I think you did mention then it could be harder. I'm the same. My fusion solved my disc pain/sciatica, but gave me an even worse problem SI joint problems. I hope this sort will sort of explain things. Your post read fine. Mine is just a stream and words and I hope I haven't missed anything.

My last Christmas was ruined too. I just spent the day alone in bed. It was just another s**t day for me. My parents are coming over, which will be fun as I have a lot of built up resentment towards her from my childhood/teens (had a pretty s****y upbringing. Violent alcohol Father and physically abusive and emotionally detached Mother) but I have to keep a lid on all that for now. But for me it's about seeing my little girl excited and happy. She wanted to go to bed at 6.30pm! It's 8pm now, and she's just made it. She only really wanted some of those foam squishy cat toys ad her main present bless her. She's good like that. She even said to me that her best friend didn't get her a return gift, but she didn't mind because she had come over to play and given her time, the most important gift of all. 😊 I hope you manage to have as comfortable and pain free Christmas as possible. Love and best wishes, Emma. xxx

I know it's horrible for you Emma it really really is & you've been through so very much!

The withdrawals make you feel like that without the pain & everything else you're having to go through!

The withdrawals will ease so please try to hang on in there till the withdrawals ease. I felt the same till withdrawals eased & apart from the pain & the odd down day, I am starting to feel much better in myself now. My partner even thanked me last night for "coming back" to her!! She said today it was like having the old me back.

Please hang in there Emma, for you, your lovely daughter & your husband, it won't last forever matey. You will beat this Emma!!!👍

Take care

Ritchie xx

Hello Andy.

Still waiting for my reply to be moderated. No idea why they choose to post some and not others??

Anyway, I just want to wish you a happy Christmas, and I hope you get to make some special memories with your Son and your Fiancée. Love Emma. xx

P.S Fantastic news you're off the Fentanyl. Just hang on in there and we're here for you if you need us. Don't know if you are on Facebook at all, but if you search 'Emma Rickwood' am happy for to PM me if you need support, as it's quicker (I'm wearing a white jumper and have a snow scene. Ha. That sounds really lame I know!).

Thanks so much for your support and encouragement Ritchie. It just feels like you guys are the only ones that *truly* understand what it's like!! I know that the withdrawal has a lot to answer for, as it's messing with my head big time.

My Husband Paul and I had a Facetime call from a very good childhood friend of ours, who now lives in Brazil. He was so kind and supportive and it was great just for half an hour for us to all chat and to sort of be like myself again. I usually love making jokes and making people laugh and smile, that's what had always driven me, rather than money I guess. And supporting other people through tough times has always given me that same kind of reward too, that's why I've always worked with disadvantaged people. So it's really amazing when someone gives that back to you, when you're really struggling. That kindness. That's the true Christmas spirit 😊.

I hope you have a wonderful day with your family and hopefully a more comfortable one. Every little memory we make with our loved ones is a blessing. Best wishes, Emma xx.

P.S Same goes for you and Caroline, as it does for Andy, if you're on Facebook and having a tough day or want to share a positive day too xx.

Hi Emma

I have just read an earlier post from you where you seem to have lost the will a little with the OT attempt.

I know, believe me how that feels and have been there many times myself but you must try to remember what those great things are you have in your life, your partner and especially your daughter. If you are like me you are putting yourself through this hell for not just yourself but them too. 

I personally made the decision to detox the fentanyl purely so I could get even just a part of that life I had with my fiancée and my son back. 

It means so much to me to spend time with my family as I’m sure it does you!!

If you ever think about that sort of thing again try doing what I did and look at it as an easy way out for you but not for them. I have often thought they would be better of if I wasn’t around but that just isn’t true. It would have a massive impact on them and your situation would be the same. I know it’s hell, I’ve been there so pls think of them as much as you if those thought ever come up again. That’s what got me past them. I hope that helps a bit as I said I’ve been there many times, I hope the way of thinking helps you to switch those feeling off.

None of us asked to be where or who we are and it’s all down to the drugs because if the pain.

They really mess with your mind and soul but they at first at least help. The charm soon wares of though.

Thank you for the offer of Facebook pm’s unfortunately I don’t and never have used it. I have childhood history and there are people out there I do not want to see or hear from so I never open myself up that way.

My partner uses it all the time as does just about all my family but I worry too much to open myself up like that.

She knows I do not want my name or photos on there and she makes sure there not.

For some people the system is amazing for finding old friends or family etc but that is the reason in reverse fir me big using it.

I’m happy for you to pm me on here no problem at all even though I’m going through the same as you right now I always like to try and help others if I can the same way people have helped me. There are still some really lovely and helpful people in this world who go the extra mile for total strangers who need help.

I don’t think I would have made it go where I am now if it wasn’t for people like Richie and Caroline. They have been amazing and can’t thank them enough for the help.

I have support at home but from people who have no idea what it is I’m going through and simply do not understand the impact it has on people going through it. People who are not going through it or have never been through it just don’t understand no matter how you try to explain it.!

As I said previously I’ve been in situations similar to you and if you ever need to talk when your feeling like that please PM me and i will try to help no matter what it is that’s going on. I’m not an expert by any means but I do have the knowledge from going through it personally many times and maybe something I did or learnt may help you?!.

Always here if you need me. I check the forums every night when I go to bed and see if anyone is messaging me or needs help so I will always reply. Hardly sleep so it’s a good way to keep mind off pain and stuff.

I hope you have had a good/ok Christmas and are doing ok??

I’ve been spending time with my family and watching football and playing family games it’s kind of a tradition for Boxing Day all family gets together and enjoys time together eating ham, egg and chips for lunch then playing games all day.  Kinda an open house that we always do. My pain was bad today after struggleing through yesterday’s long day and I was getting to the point of needing to go home but didn’t want my family to think oh I’m in pain again so I ruin it for my son and partner. Thankfully my partner said she had s headache and so we left due to that which was nice of her.

I thought she was saying it to make it better for me but she actually did have a headache bless her.

She is 28 weeks pregnant today with our second son so she wanted to rest at home.

Wen we got home my son begged me to let him play Star Wars battlefront on my new Xbox but I had to set it all up and move heavy units so it could be all plugged in and updated but I let him stay up way past his bedtime so he could play it with me so he was s very happy little boy tonight!!

I am due a crash day and think after last to days that day will be tomorrow I’m out of energy and the withdrawal is taking it’s toll on me, but we have to push through for family and Christmas especially.

I hate ruining ut fir others and myself but at least I have managed the two days this year which is a massive improvement on last two years so can’t ask anymore and if I crash tomorrow then so be it, it was worth it just to spend that quality time with fiancée, son and the rest of my family. It’s those memories that keep me fighting the way I do.

I always say what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger and I always believe that no matter what life throws at you as long as you fight and use those great memories of the ones you love and live for then you can beat anything. (Withdrawal included) 

Yiu will always make it to the other side and get that part if your life back that had been taken away just keep fighting for it fir those who mean the most to you and yourself of course.!!

How was your Christmas?? I hope your doing ok and have had some quality time with your family.

If you need to talk you know where I am, anytime!!

Andy

Richie 

Thanks for the message mate, means allot the support so thank you.

I totally agree the reason I fight is for those priceless moments with my son and family that is what it’s all about and why I put myself through the hell.

I’m getting there I have got through the two days which is two days more than he last two years so I am so pleased about that.

My son had been in my earn all day yesterday and today to play the new Star Wars game in my xmas present which was the new Xbox. I had to move heavy units to set it all up which I really struggled with and had to do in stages but I got it all working fir him and let him stay up way past his bedtime just so he could play it for an hour. Again priceless expression in his face when it came on and a big hug anf thank you from him which made me cry. 

Just shows even being 5 years old he knew how hard it was for me to do what I did for him and that he took the time to say thanks and a hug means the world to me. 

Makes me want to fight harder to make it happen more often.

I have a question if you can answer it. When you did your detox did you pain levels go right up?? I assume they did but did it last a long time or did they stay that way??

I am waiting fir the new meds to build up in my systen and then have taken away the only other thing I have when I get really bad which was my diclofenac injections. I now can’t take them at all as the docs says if I did I would be in hospital with my kidneys failing, so I have lost probably the best back up med I had when I try to sleep and at present have no replacement for it until it builds up which can take up to three weeks.

Tonight after the two days I have really struggled but pushed through I really was bad and needed the injection but couldn’t have it so I am now laying in bed on my side as can’t lay on back at all due to servere pain and can’t sleep.

I don’t knew what to do?! Tried stretching, cracking but nothing had helped. 

Maybe I will crash out tomorrow and need a recovery day. I can’t take this much pain it takes all my energy just to roll over and sit up I can’t walk it’s too painful.

Did you do anything to help you when the pain got really bad?? , anything that I could try!??

Hope you had a good Christmas and are not in too much pain now.

Thanks 

Andy

Hi Andy.

Really pleased you managed to have a better Christmas than you had the last 2yrs mate & I guarantee your son would've loved every minute of it, especially when you let him stay up late with you playing on the x-box. It's things like that he'll always remember.

The only thing that seems to help me now is being in a kind of reclined position with heat on my back. It's still painfull but it does ease it a little.

Caroline told me about a Shiatsu massager with heat which I bought but if you lean on it too heavy, I end up getting a bruised back 🤣

But the reclined position is the only thing that helps ease it a little now for me mate. I cannot sit it a normal chair for long now, this recliner i have has been a god send!

My parents have those adjustamatic beds & they are great for your back as you can lie in any elevated position at all. Theyre expensive but you can get lucky on eBay at times with one.

Im really Sorry I can't tell you of anything else that will help you mate & i hope you're not suffering too much!!

Keep fighting Andy!

Take care mate & catch you later!!

Ritchie

Even a 5 they know & understand more than we think! And it's times like that that kept me fighting it for my daughter's also!

Sorry I forgot to answer your question about pain levels.

To be honest Andy I was so used to taking that much Oxycontin, I was taking it in the end just so I wasn't going into withdrawal & I thought it did nothing for the pain as my body had got so used to the high dose.

I've been off Oxy now since August 2016 & my pain is worse now than it used to be but, the consultant wants me to go on a "Pain management" course. How that works I've no idea, I'll let you know but it maybe a while before I get to do it due to waiting lists etc!

I'm on nothing at all for my pain now, they say the methadone is a pain killer but i dont think it's ever helped me at all.

So sorry I can't offer you anymore help mate.

Stay strong Andy.

Catch you later

Ritchie

Hi guys.

Am glad you had a good Christmas. It was a long and exhausting day, but I got to remember what fun was for a short while! 😊

I have been doing some more research on alternative pain relief and have come up with something that I think could benefit us all. There is a drug available in the UK called 'Sativex'. It's a nasal spray containing CBD (the non high part of C****bis (taking no chances with the mods here!). I tried a few years ago to get it from my GP, but she was really evasive. I kept on and on at her because I knew how effective CBD could be in controlling pain, without all the side effects. Eventually she told me that she only only ever prescribed it once. To a patient who was using both morphine and Sativex. And she hadn't 'made it'. I don't know how on Earth my GP concluded that it was the Sativex that was to blame, but she did. I contacted my Pharmacist who told me what I *thought* I already knew - that for some reason it is ONLY available to MS sufferers on the NHS. It can be prescribed privately, but at a cost of around £350 a month. Hands up who's got that kind of money to spare? However, having looked into it further and looked at the actual legislation it IS available to other Chronic pain sufferers if your GP completes a form available from the Home Office. For me personally, I think I may have a real fight on my hands. I'd change my GP surgery , but then I'd lose my MH support and I can't afford to do that right now. We intend to print off everything I have found and give it to my GP, and tell her that as I will soon no longer be on opioids she has no legal or moral justification for denying it to me. And that if she leaves me in this pain. Well, she knows what happened last month. It could well be worth giving it a shot guys. It seems absolutely absurd to me that they will prescribe something as powerful as Fentanyl, but not a spray form of C****bis (even more crazy is that in the US Mara is classed as a Schedule I or Class A drug!). You cannot get high on this AND just like smoking the stuff, you cannot OD on it either.

Before I commencement battle with my GP. I am going to try an alternative, which is a CBD oil in a spray form, available from Europe. It's 100 % legal (not that I really care. I was about to order some seeds and start growing myself a plant anyway. It's just I'm not a smoker, don't like vaping too much, hate the smell, and DO NOT want my darling Daughter reeking of it!). It isn't cheap granted. A 20ml bottle of 800mg stuff costs about £50, but I got some money from my in-laws for Xmas and I need this a lot more than I handle I need another hairdrier.

Another thing that the Oil can be used for, and this is my other reason for getting it, is because it is also used to help with counteracting the withdrawal effects of coming off Opioids (as you may remember, by incredibly backward GP has left me to detox without anything other than Co-codamol). I was thinking that this could really help you out too Andy. I know it's a lot of money, but it could make a lot of difference to you. You can get CBD oil in lower concentrations though, which is around £15 a bottle. And it is recommended that you start at a lower strength and work your way up. The stuff I'm getting is a mix of 5 different CBD, that's why it's more pricey. Anyways. I thought I would share this with you, as it could help. I'll let you know how I get on. Best wishes, and hopefully 2018 will be a turn for the better for all of us! xx

Richie 

Thanks mate fir the advise.

I used to be able to get relief from laying in reclined position with pillows under my knees but it doesn’t work anymore in fact it makes the pain worse.

I try different positions all the time to try and make the pain more tolerable but nothing seems to work right now.

That is probably due to being off the fentanyl as it was my primary pain killer and my body is reacting to it but sending out more pain signals to make me have more meds.

The only place I can get some relief is in my bed I have a large mattess memory foam topper and that takes the pressure off for a while but I can’t sleep even in that way.

I have done something to my lumbar spine I heard a pop and a crack and felt them too it hurt like hell, and now I can’t bend my back at all. 

I looked online to see what I could have done to make this pain so serious and it says I may have herniated a disc and compression fractured my spine.

Since my accident I have very little flex in my lumbar spine. It doesn’t curve anymore it straitened itself to cope with the kyphosis damage in my thoracic and then twisted in my car accident. I have always been able to bend it but since it cracked I can’t even bend forward without a massive pain spike. I am going to see my gp later today to get an X-ray done as something is wrong.

Maybe it’s been like it for a while and the fentanyl was covering it up but now the pain is really bad it’s all I needed!!

What you said about my son remembering the good things I hope it’s true as there is so little for him to remember about time with me I hope the memories are good ones and not bad.

I love him so much and would do anything to change my life to be with him more I really would.

We are now expecting our second son due in March 2018 and that is the main reason for coming off fentanyl. I don’t want my second son to be the same and me be a bad dad twice. 

I couldn’t take that, it would destroy me totally.

I am hoping when I get off all the opioids I can be a better dad and better person in general these things are evil and make me the same.

I wanted to do so much with my son and pass on what I have learnt but have not been able to do that anywhere near as much as I wanted.

This all happened weeks after he was born so he doesn’t know any different but it hurts like hell to know I can’t give him what I should.

I was always good at sport football basketball among others I got to play at a high level in basketball and was a good fisherman too but I have had to give all that up because if this.

He had seen picture of me holding huge carp and stuff and asked me to take him but I just can’t.

I am looking for a special chair that I can use so I can at least take him for a few hours but can’t fine one yet that’s any good.

I have set a target if July 2018 to be able to take him fishing for the first time and I don’t intend to miss that one.

Sorry if I am rambling. 

I can’t sleep yet again and the only people I Can talk to are in here, I hope you don’t mind.

My kids are my life and want so much to be better for them as I’m sure you do.

Maybe this year will be a better one for all of us in here?!?

Here’s hoping anyway!!

Andy

Sorry forgot to add,

The pain management course I have been on involves physical therapy, phycology and occupational health teams as well as the consultant surgeon.

There is also a course I am hoping to do later this year which is a residential pain management course all about living with the pain.

It lasts for three weeks and you stay at the hospital mon - fri 9-5 and basically work with all the people mentioned above as well as gym and hydrotherapy pool etc.

I have to wait until baby is born and my partner can cope without me for the 3weeks I will be away but I think it will help. 

There are others in the course going through the same so would not be alone and maybe can get helpful tips from others too?!?

Might be worth a try for you if you can do it?

Andy

Andy listen mate.

You never ramble, it helps to get it out & that's why we're all on places like this to be there for each other, I know it's not the same as being face to face & having a good old moan to each other about how much pain were in but it's the next best thing and it does help to get it off your chest!!

And listen again!!!!!

YOU'RE NOT A BAD DAD!!!!!!!

If you were a bad dad then you wouldn't be doing what you're doing for your son & your soon to be born son would you????? You'd just carry on filling yourself full of fentanyl & not give a damn about anything else mate!!

That's the reason I stopped taking all that Oxy, to be back to the dad I was for my girls & for my partner!

My partner actually said to me on Christmas eve, "I feel like I've finally got the old you back after all this time, thank you for coming back to me" those words will stay with me forever mate, as i know I was bad but can never remember being!

Please never ever beat yourself up Andy! You haven't done this to yourself, life did it to you mate. You didn't go out that day to have a car accident my mate, life did this to you, and because of your wife & soon to be 2 sons, you're fighting back & I know you will beat it.

It's hard mate I know it is, it's sooooo bloody Frustrating trying to do the things you took for granted that can no longer do! But you will get there. You've already set yourself a target for next year & I know you'll do it!!

I'm here anytime for you Andy, as are loads of others mate!!

Keep doing what you're doing & you will beat this Andy!

Good luck at the Drs. Let us know how you get on. I hope they can help you!!

Ritchie

How to deal with pain, that's the course he wants me to go on.

It sounds great for you & to meet others there similar to yourself will only do you good Andy. I'm sure it would really help you!

Hi Emma.

My brother sent me a message where you can buy a cannabis spray that supposed to help with the THC's removed. It was either from the health shop or somewhere like Superdrug. The message has gone now. I'll ask him again & let you know.

Ritchie

Emma.

I actually tried to post on here regarding why posts get deleted etc & I actually got a reply, (even though my post has yet to appear!!!???)

They actually private messaged me & said my posts were being deleted due to the fact that they had received so very many complaints from members on here complaining about my posts. Especially where people were talking about you know what who had had enough and could no longer cope.

I would like to ask those who complained about my comments (if any) to man up & confront me direct to explain to me what it is I was actually doing so very wrong with my replies to actually help people that was so very bad that they had to report my replies???????!!!

Don't think I'll get any replies to this comment!!!!!

In fact I've just filled in the survey & replied with this. Will they take note??????,

People come here for help from other users who have been through what they're now going through. Having over zealous moderators who go through stages of deleting nearly every single post, only to post later on after reading through said posts finding there was nothing wrong with it anyway doesn't help those who are desperate for help ASAP!!!

People come here for help, not to cause trouble, the sooner this site realises that, the more the site will grow. If it carries on the way it is doing currently by every time someone posts stating "post waiting to be moderated" etc then people will leave & this site will be no more!!!

More & more people are complaining saying their posts are either "waiting to be moderated" or are being deleted!! Then being lied to for the reasons why! It's no way to run a successful website!!!!

If you want to grow get good understanding moderators.

If you want to fold carry on exactly the way you are, & this website will no longer exist past 2018!!!