"You Can't Get Therapy because You Will Want to Die More!"

(female, 17, letters replace names but the letters are nowhere near related to the real names)

First big section is background, the actual question/summary-ish is the paragraph that is starred.

I don't remember the last time I wasn't depressed or full of anxiety. I don't remember how it felt to not feel guilty about being a minor in my guardian's home, sucking her resources dry. I don't remember when my home began to feel more like a prison.

For multiple reasons that I won't have personal details released, I've struggled a lot mentally. I have dealt with a lot of emotional/mental abuse, domestic violence, and eating issues. I used to live with two guardians who have loose custody of me, now there is just one. The one that died, or F, was abusive toward the other, or G. F was constantly drinking alcohol, about seven tall glass steins a night. Once I was eight, I was forced into making them for F. The more F drank, the more verbally abusive things would get, to the point where I had to step in to prevent F from attacking and killing G with a bottle of rum.

G had perfectionist issues. Nothing I did was going to be good enough. If I allowed the sponge to get one single drop on the counter, I was the worst leech in existence, I needed to be thrown out, and I would never have a job. I stopped doing my chores on the days G was off, because G would always get mad at me for doing it wrong and do it themselves. If I missed one part of a chore, I didn't do it at all. If I forgot one whole chore once, I never did it in my life and I never did any of the other ones. When I didn't do anything extra around the house, they would get mad that I didn't go above and beyond for them. When I was a kid, G always tied my shoes for me, even when I said no. Until 7th grade, G would come into the shower and wash my body and hair for me. Once the middle of 7th grade hit, G suddenly stopped. It was so nice all the way until my first shower by myself. By the time I had just picked up my towel, G was already in the room checking my hair for any leftover shampoo. When G found any, it became a lecture on how I should know how to do this after G did it so many times to me. Nothing I did could please G. G always makes sure I respond verbally in some way, shape, and form to any little thing they say. It didn't matter if there was nothing to comment off of. They always make sure to ask where I'm going and why whenever I leave their sight. I must stop everything and listen to G talk, but when I want to talk, they whip out their phone and ignore me, then I have to repeat myself as they stare back off into their screen, forgetting about me. (F is dead at this point now) They randomly come into my room just to say "I love you", which they say about six times a day. Once they say something, they shut a door just enough for their face to fit, then stare at me for several moments with this crazy look in their eye before shutting the door completely. I find G always looking over and watching me eat or relax on the armchair and it makes me uncomfortable. They will poke and touch my sides, toes, and shoulders, which is uncomfortable for me, and when I ask them to stop, they become angry, give me attitude, and storm off.

I came out to them multiple times that I was depressed and suicidal. However, it was only once I reached my breaking points. I was getting yelled at for "not doing a single chore" again. I threw the plastic bowl in my hand to the ground, sat on a chair, and began crying my heart out. I screamed that all this insane bull about me never helping was causing me to feel as worthless as they say. Then, I mentioned I wanted to die. F stood up and immediately asked if I wanted them to help me do so with a knife. When I cried the second time, I was threatened to be beaten if I didn't stop. The third, I was laughed at and told that therapy and depression medication makes you more likely to kill yourself as a teen.

I never go to doctor appointments. I haven't had a primary one in years. When I go to doctors, it is because there is something physical messing with my "needs to be perfect" appearance, aka acne. That's all G cares about. It took two days to convince them I tore a tendon in my ankle (the bump was visible). When the dog has something wrong, such as a small limp, they are taken to the vet that very day, sometimes first thing in the morning. G doesn't want to hear about internal pain because they believe waiting it out and drinking almost a little too much water solves it all. I've dealt with a lot of pain for several weeks at a time due to this theory, and I still suffer to some degree with certain things.

My family has a long history of mental issues. After comparing my symptoms to their's, it is safe to say I most likely have at least depression, social anxiety, anger management, and some type of binge eating problem. I have attempted cutting many times, with my anxiety about health barely stopping me each time. When I do something and mess up, or make G upset, I turned to clawing my arms until they bleed or slapping/punching myself in the face (or walls).

My problems with mental states has been a key role in the latest lectures. G uses my own words back then to mock me, as if I wasn't serious. They can't believe I'd say such things just to make G "feel upset and sympathetic" toward me. "I WanNa KiLl MySElf" while flailing their arms and pretending to hyperventilate.

Someone close to me who knew more details left me because I didn't change my behavior fast enough and I was a weight on them emotionally. They were all I really had left. I've talked through someone to police and I probably have a mark on my record for them to watch me now. I planned to wait until I was 25 or so, when people forget I existed, before disappearing without hurting many souls.

*** I can't afford therapy, yet I can't convince my guardian to let me go. I can't get emancipated or my parents will drive down and take me to live with them against my will, or I will be allowed to but my guardian will only let me take clothes with me. I go to a good school that will boost my chances of getting into college and maybe even get connections to good jobs. There's no way I'm throwing this away to live in some country town up North. Without needed to release information on my location, what are general things a minor can do to get free, good mental health care without parental/guardian consent and without the staff at school (I already have that after a kid reported me for saying concerning things I didn't realize were concerning)? Is there anything I can do? I can't wait out this year without help. I just can't.

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