10 Years (And Counting...)

This is just a post to share my experience, and maybe give someone else some hope or to come to terms with this diagnosis.

I grew up in a violent, volatile and abusive environment. My parents split up, and a solid line of bikers, drug-dealers/users, and other transients came in and out of my life thanks to my mother and her issues. Her signature move was to grab me by the throat and pin me to the nearest surface (usually a wall or the floor) and scream in my face, and then storm out of the room and break things (usually mine).

When I was 17, I started having issues eating. Now, I've always been skinny (I have a petite frame), but I used to basically be a vacuum cleaner for food. My nickname in the family was Trashcan, because I was -always hungry- and I would eat anything you put in front of me. The issues started with aspirating food (literally inhaling it), which I thought was just me eating too fast. Then the 'lump' sensation started. Then, the more anxious I got, the more freaked out I got when I tried to eat, and the vicious cycle began.

The first doctor I went to see was a family member's GP. He walked into the room, and after my explanation of what was happening, looked me up and down, felt my throat and said, "You have an eating disorder. Go eat a burger." and walked out. And there began my guilt, shame, and self-isolation.

The second doctor I went to see sent me for a multitude of tests. When I walked into the exam room for my first Upper GI test, they handed me a small cup and a pill and told me to swallow it quickly and then swallow a container of Barium as quick as I could. I had a panic attack, bawled my eyes out much to the chagrin of the Lab Techs, and then tried to swallow the Barium while having a panic attack. Needless to say, the experience made me intensely fearful of hospital tests and staff in general.

When I was 18, my GP finally diagnosed me with Globus. I was overwhelmed and anxious about the discovery, but happy to have finally figured out what was going on. Unfortunately, by that time I was 5'8" and 95 pounds, and my doctor was seriously considering hospitalization for my malnutrition and weight issues (compounded with my volatile life at that time, moving from place to place, and unable to support myself, and my severe clinical depression and mild OCD). She decided, in the end, that I should be put on long-term disability benefits.

Many years of liquid diets, weight issues, Acid-Reflux, medications, triggering abuse, and trial-and-error later... I finally went into remission. What I can tell you about it is this; the psychologcal/mental trauma caused a subconscious trigger, which manifests in my throat (the site of the original cause of anxiety; the "abuse incident"). When I feel stressed, in a confrontation with a partner, or feeling unappreciated or when I am in a depressive episode (basically anything that makes me feel the way I felt when I was being abused) my Globus comes back with a vengeance.

Figure out what your triggers are. Keep a journal of everything; what you eat/drink, your bowel movements, your symptoms, your eating experiences, your feelings, EVERYTHING. Even if you are having one of those days where you think you're free of it, and everything is working the way it should, KEEP JOURNALING. This will help you pinpoint triggers, your responses to certain foods, and it's super useful for your doctor(s). It will give you a map to your illness and to your recovery. USE IT.

This might seem counter-intuitive, but TELL EVERYBODY. Well, everyone close to you. Tell them how they can help you. Know that most people will not understand, and in their ignorance, will make stupid, judgmental comments - try not to internalize this. If you can explain to the people closest to you about this illness, do some research together, and let them know this isn't your fault. Coach them through what you need in a situation; for example, you can tell them "When we are in a social eating situation, I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me there is no rush. I need you to hold/squeeze my hand. I need you to tell me that you are proud of me for what I was able to eat. I need you to give me a hug at the end of the meal." Whatever it is that you need from your loved ones, TELL THEM.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY/MAKING THINGS UP/OVER-REACTING/A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

YOU ARE NOT ANNOYING.

YOU ARE SUFFERING WITH AN ILLNESS, AND JUST BECAUSE IT IS INVISIBLE, DOES NOT NEGATE IT OR MAKE IT 'FAKE'.

Know that it CAN AND WILL GO AWAY if you are gentle and patient with yourself.

Be nice to yourself. Treat yourself well. If you can't eat solid food, that doesn't make you less of a human being. I know it may make you feel isolated or alienated from everyone else. I know how it feels to sit at a table, starving, watching everyone around enjoy their food, having a great time and wishing I could disappear into the chair.

Meal replacement shakes, frozen fruit/veggies, some smoothie recipes, and vitamin supplements will be your BEST FRIENDS. Use them. Keep yourself as healthy as you can. Work WITH your body, not AGAINST it.

STAY POSITIVE.

You can beat this.

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