2 years chronic insomnia - breaking point
Posted , 5 users are following.
Hello all from the US. 34 year old guy here. I have returned to one of the few forums on Insomnia that I found helpful in the past looking for some more help. Actually, this is one of the only forums for insomnia that seems somewhat organized. Very hard to find anything else. For over 2 years now I have been suffering from chronic insomnia. It has been on and off, but for the most part it has consumed and affected my life to a very significant degree. I'd estimate that 70% of my days at work are just spent counting down to when I can go home and plop down on the couch to do nothing. It has been a sick life that I finally have had enough of (more on that later)
It all began in October 2016 after a stressful event at work, and though work eventually got better, my anxiety triggered insomnia would remain. I became a mad man fixated on finding a way to get back to normal. Many months later after my initial 'fight' against insomnia I finally calmed down and my sleep gradually began getting a little better. But it never got perfect. By the one year mark, though I was a long ways from the early dark days of not sleeping well, I was still struggling. By the end of 2017 I was back in full fledged Insomniac mode yet again. Things would eventually get a lot better at some points in 2018, sometimes for well over a month, but anytime they seemed to start feeling permanently "fixed", another bad night would ALWAYS put me back in a rut. This has all affected my life in such horrible ways I cannot begin to get into. Dark circles under my eyes are just about permanent, and feeling exhausted more than 50% of the time is the norm.
Finally, this past October while during another bad phase of waking up too early/waking up in the middle of the night andafter 2 years of this deteriorating my life, I finally hit my breaking point. I decided once and for all I would go out of my way to try and help myself by any means necessary. I did not want to live like this any longer. My wakeup time is always 6am and one big problem I always continue to do was go to sleep around 10pm-10:15pm. I had always had this idea that my insomnia would go away on its own, but it was clear that my circadium rythym was broken and going back to the days of 7-8 hours of sleep in an instant was likely never going to happen. I began taking all the obvious insomnia advice and trying to stick to it. No electronics or fatty foods before bedtime, and most importantly, going to sleep later on, only when VERY tired. So recently I started. Some nights I would force myself hard to make it to 11pm which I chose as my new bedtime and it was hard, but guess what, I began sleeping a bit better.
I had already known a while back this was all anxiety related but this was just more proof. I CAN sleep. It's just relearning this process. So for a week recently it was 11pm every night. On two of those nights I still did not sleep well but didn't let it get to me much. Then last night for the first time in over a week I hit the bed at 10:30pm. It was the worst night of sleep I had in this entire week experiment.
My question is, what is it going to be with me? When is this going to end? Is this the new norm of my life to where ANYTIME I don't stick to a sleep restriction schedule my body will just soon revert back to not sleeping well? I have always been a rather anxious person. I will admit that. I will also say that through all my research it seems as if long term chronic insomnia is a pretty hard thing to beat. I am just nervous and burnt out at this point. I feel like I have tried everything and am tired of trying more. Yes I slept ok for a few nights last week but at this point, some 2 years after onset, its almost hard to imagine I will ever get back to my good old days of sleeping normally and feeling refreshed daily.
0 likes, 14 replies
randy66926 michael94059
Posted
Man I wish I had an answer for you and myself. I'm in a really bad rut right now as well and it doesn't seem like there are many permanent answers for insomnia other than CBT which it sounds like you're already familiar with. Only other thing I can suggest is get checked out by a doctor if you haven't already to make sure it is something medical causing it such as vitamin, mineral, or hormonal. I'm currently ruling all that stuff out.
michael94059 randy66926
Posted
I already got bloodwork done for this over 2 years ago when it began. Everything was normal. It’s anxiety - 100%. All sorts of evidence to back it up for me too.
It started after something very stressful
I’ve had several good “phases” over the last 2 years some lasting as long as a month and during said phases I go to sleep feeling good about things and relaxed. On top of that I’ve noticed that even during a bad phase of insomnia if I go to bed not feeling worried I tend to sleep better.
Nights I’ve slept in hotels I typically have slept fine as my brain only associates the anxiety with MY bed as that is where this all began and stems from. My bed. This anxiety has grown to the point where my bed is associated with BAD sleep. Plain and simple. I even tried moving my bed to a different spot in my room at one point and for the first 2 weeks I was sleeping well again bc I “thought” everything was ok. Then the insomnia returned.
100% all in my head
hmmm, I feel kind of good about that post. Maybe ill sleep well now tonight 😭
Gareth51625 michael94059
Posted
Hi Michael, not sure if we've corresponded before on here but I have been suffering chronic insomnia for 14 months, I was having pretty much daily chronic stress for years so maybe that was the trigger, I guess it would eventually impact sleep? But anyway I never sleep through the night, I wake up during vivid dreams which I rarely had before the sleep issues started. Sometimes I've been awake for 3 days and started having hallucinations not to mention feeling irritable and angry.
I have often resorted to drinking a lot of alcohol to pass out for a few hours but started to have withdrawal symptoms the next day like severe anxiety, sweating and fast heart rate. I think those of us with bad insomnia and anxiety have a lack of GABA in the brain causing us to be restless. It seems probable and makes sense because alcohol and sleeping pills increase it and most of the time when I've taken either I fall asleep quicker. I'm sure like myself you have tried "relaxation techniques?". For me they're useless.
michael94059 Gareth51625
Posted
@Gareth51625
Well if you resorted to drinking "a lot of alcohol" to try and help this then you have some serious issues (no offense). How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Have you ever looked deep into how to naturally try and get rid of insomnia?
See with my situation, I know what helps. I've applied the routines and good sleep hygiene to promote good sleep and to get back to "normal". It does work and it does prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that its anxiety underneath all this as I'm sure it is for you. There is literally no other reason aside from some sort of pain or dare I say the .000001% chance you have some sort of brain tumor or weird hormone levels.
My problem is KEEPING the good sleep patterns and getting frustrated when they seem to come back at the drop of a hat. I don't want to have to worry about preparing myself for good sleep for the rest of my life. I know I have anxiety beneath all this, but I didnt think it was THAT bad.
Also, @lily65668, if you're out there, perhaps you can give me your two cents? You were very helpful to me 1.5-2 years ago.
-Michael
david911 michael94059
Posted
It's amazing that what seems to be a problem for some people is desired by others. I wish I had your "problem." In my own case, I've been battling with narcolepsy that causes serious embarrassment to me.
Just try exercise, then have a good bath, and jump into bed. Your body should be tired and ready to slip into the most pleasant sleep.
michael94059 david911
Posted
What a wonderful piece of advice! wow. I'm certain that after two years of battling this hell and doing all i could to concquer it all i've always needed to do was just exercise and take a bath. You should write a book.
randy66926 michael94059
Posted
I dont really get the condescending responses from you to someone making suggestions to help you. Makes you look pretty stupid honestly. The fact that you sleep at all shows your case is minimal in comparison to other peoples insomnia issues maybe you just need a baby bib and pacifier to help you get some more beauty rest.
michael94059 randy66926
Posted
and the fact that you think you know ANYTHING at all about insomnia or sleep disorders to say to someone who's been suffering terribly for two years to just take a bath and you'll be alright shows you need one hell of a reality check so you're welcome.
david911 michael94059
Posted
Why seek help when you're a Mr. Know-it-all? Solve it yourself, and don't forget to write a book on your success.
randy66926 michael94059
Posted
Who said anything about a bath? Grow up and don't s**t on people trying to help you idiot. You're not special or unique everyone here has insomnia probably worse than your 5 hours of sleep a night try no sleep for a week then act like a diva.
edgar30813 randy66926
Posted
no sleep for a week? not even for a wink? that sounds implausible. i've always wondered what really lies beneath claims like those. i think you would end up in a hospital if it were true, so you are at least grabbing power naps here and there.
but anyway, 5 hours a night , night after night, is enough to drive anyone crazy.
i'm suffering from something similar, michael, and am also considering trying anything, even going to my doctor for sleeping pills, which would be a new step for me,though i have dabbled with valium. I also go to bed thinking "tonight is the night when things will change", only to find myself awake at 4, 5 and unable to go back to sleep. it results in utter exhaustion and walking around through life like a zombie, no way to live a life.
I cant offer any tips on what to do, just my condolences and the old expression - "you are not alone", for what it's worth.
hang in there,
Edgar
randy66926 michael94059
Posted
why seek help if youre going to s**t on people helping you? Why are you even on this forum
if thats how you react to people giving you advice? 5 hours a night isnt going to drive anyone crazy buddy sorry you're going through a rough time.
michael94059
Posted
I was basically told by this person that since I actually sleep, that my problem is not that serious. I'm sorry for the hell he is going through but to act like I'm lucky or should be happy that mine isn't as "bad" as his, well that's just folly. On top of that, I stand by my statement that anyone who reads my story and understands that I've suffered tremendously over the last 2 years and tells me simply to take a bath and I should be fine, well that's naive on endless amounts of levels. No offense to anyone who thinks this way.
@edgar30813 How did your Insomnia begin and how long has it been going on?
I can tell you from the endless experience I have, that if you're going to bed with these wild thoughts like "Tonight will be the night I get better", then I can tell you that you need to stop that instantly. All you are doing is fueling your problem and making it worse by putting this problem before other things in your life, most importantly, going to bed. Cut it out and understand that you slept fine for most of your life before this. Keep calm. An easier said than done thing, I know, but trust me when I say it helps. You also say you wake up at 4 or 5am. When does your alarm go off and what time are you going to bed?
edgar30813 michael94059
Posted
All solid advice, Michael, but I am somewhat of an insomnia veteran (31, but had trouble sleeping most of my life). So all the mottoes like "Keep calm", "Don't think about sleep", "Your body didn't forget sleep" etc. I've told those same things to people 5-10 years ago, and they worked great for me for in my 20-ies. No doubt that many cases of insomnia come down to people giving it too much power over their lives.
There used to be a great forum called Sandman's insomnia forum (I hope I am allowed to mention it here since it's been down for a long time). It was dedicated exclusively to sleep, and the motto of the people was basically "live like you don't have insomnia and it will go away". Like I sad , those words became my motto and I successfully handled insomnia most nights. When a bad night came along, I would rough it out and always make up for lost sleep the next night.
But people get older , Michael, and they get sick. I am in my 30-ies now, like you, and on top of that I also got MS and epilepsy now. I go to bed fully relaxed,I assure you, I am not the worrying type, and fall asleep immediately because I haven't forgotten how to maintain good sleep hygiene and stay calm when going to bed. But my sleep just doesn't last as long as it should anymore to make me feel good the next day. So the good old "keep calm" routine falls short when you wake up like that, suddenly not sleepy anymore, though by 11 a.m. you are a zombie for the rest of the day.
I also have dark circles under my eyes, have trouble focusing on my work and even find it hard to simply talk to people, my thinking is too slow. So I resort to Valium, and since it hasn't been that efficient lately, I am thinking of switching to real z-pills like Ambien.
I hope your insomnia never gets this much out of hand. I hope the "keep calm" routine always works for you, and that your insomnia goes away on its own, but please don't judge people for whom SR, CBT, meditation and all that simply doesn't do the trick anymore.
Oh yeah , and it's complete rubbish that "since you sleep, the problem is not that serious." For people who say that, I would like to propose and experiment - to try it our for themselves. When I was a student, I had a roommate like that, so I once tried an experiment - deliberately knocked on his door every morning and woke him up at the same time I woke up (back then it was around 6 hrs a night), and didn't let him nap during the day as I don't. By day three he went crazy from the exhaustion. 😃