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Hey. When I was about 15, I developed insomnia. My first suicidual thought was when I was 13 years old and I remember it clearly. I was walking to school and I thought 'jump in front of that lorry.' Throughout my life, these thoughts come and go regularly. I've always had episodes of feeling extremely sad but I've always been able to 'deal'(ignore) them. In the last year though, it's gotten really bad. I've cut myself many times. I constantly think about killing myself. My weight dropped to seven stone. Now I'm back at ten stone. (Makes it worse). I don't work, I used to party A LOT. Left school, done nothing except go out and party. In the last month, this sort of hit me at once, I'm going back to college soon. But I feel so bad. Ashamed. Guilty constantly. I cry everyday. I have to choke back the tears when Im around people. I was sitting on the train the other day and I don't know why but I felt like I was going to burst out crying. 'If this train derails it wouldn't be so bad' kept going through my mind. I feel like the worst person alive. I shouldn't be here. I'm wasting air. I still live at home, but the voice of my loved ones anger me so much. I have so much resentment towards them. I don't know why? I only now have one friend, who has mental illness. When I think of the future, it's dark. Bleak. I feel so so embarrassed to be alive. I just don't know what to do. I just really don't see me making it.
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