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20 year old female. Have I been living with depression?

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kilgore27900
kilgore27900

Hey. When I was about 15, I developed insomnia. My first suicidual thought was when I was 13 years old and I remember it clearly. I was walking to school and I thought 'jump in front of that lorry.' Throughout my life, these thoughts come and go regularly. I've always had episodes of feeling extremely sad but I've always been able to 'deal'(ignore) them. In the last year though, it's gotten really bad. I've cut myself many times. I constantly think about killing myself. My weight dropped to seven stone. Now I'm back at ten stone. (Makes it worse). I don't work, I used to party A LOT. Left school, done nothing except go out and party. In the last month, this sort of hit me at once, I'm going back to college soon. But I feel so bad. Ashamed. Guilty constantly. I cry everyday. I have to choke back the tears when Im around people. I was sitting on the train the other day and I don't know why but I felt like I was going to burst out crying. 'If this train derails it wouldn't be so bad' kept going through my mind. I feel like the worst person alive. I shouldn't be here. I'm wasting air. I still live at home, but the voice of my loved ones anger me so much. I have so much resentment towards them. I don't know why? I only now have one friend, who has mental illness. When I think of the future, it's dark. Bleak. I feel so so embarrassed to be alive. I just don't know what to do. I just really don't see me making it.

0 likes, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • hellbel
    hellbel

    Posted

    Hello It really does sound like you are suffering from depression and possibly on and of for years. Please do not be embarressed or ashamed but seek proper professional help. Go and see you GP they can help you and suggest things to help. I have found counselling a real help just talking about all those negative feelings is such a release.

    I hope you can do this and find people close to you to talk to about it to.

    It's hard and not easy at first but it will be worth it and one day the future won't look so bleak I'm talking from experience. Hope this helps x

  • kilgore27900
    kilgore27900

    Posted

    Thank you so much for replying. I burst out crying today in front of my mum. She told me to stop over reaction and that I'm attention seeking. Told me to get a hold of myself, that I've only just started acting this way. "What have you got to be sad about?" "I can't be bothered with this. I've tried so go to the doctors then" ha. Yup that was her advice. I booked an appointment today though as it seems I'm completely alone now. Thanks again smile x
  • hellbel
    hellbel

    Posted

    I am so sorry that your mum reacted this way. My mum reacted exactly the same when I told her that my doctor had diagnosed depression put me in antidepressants and signed me off work. We actually fell out for two weeks I think it's hard for people to understand and there is such a stigma around mental illness and my mum being a certain age there was a generational belief about it to I think. But she had come round now though we don't talk much about it. Mum and I have never really been massively close I am a Christian and she doesn't agree on that so we are very different in some respects.

    I'm lucky though as I attend a really lovely church and I have found someone there who understands and when I confided in her she and I have become so close that I don't think I would be here now if it wasn't for her understanding love support and prayers. She has become my extra mum and she allows me to be very honest with her and gives me the most wonderful hugs.

    Good for you in taking the step to book that doctors appointment though. It really is a step forward. But make sure you are completly honest and open with the doctor so that you get the best help. Try and find someone you feel close to talk to it can be any one a friend or relative someone who you can trust. I know it's hard to talk to people and be honest but if they truly care and love you then they will want to help and be there for you. I also attend counselling which I have found helpful and I have some great friends who try to understand but are there for me even when they don't. Try and find someone. But if not then keep posting here and I will try and help as much as I can. Good luck with the doctors let me know how it goes. I will pray for you. As even if you think no one cares Jesus loves so much and is there for you. I know that he has helped me x

    Let me know am here for you. I know it's hard but try and find little things that you can do and reward yourself by the little achievements that you make in a day even if it just getting out of bed or whatever. Try to find little things that you can do that you like doing. I have found that even five minutes practiseing my piano I feel like its achievement as I used to do so much more and music was such a big enjoyment for me. I have always wanted to learn piano and started about a year ago and practised all the time now I just do a little and find it helps me. Good luck. Let me know. X

  • hellbel
    hellbel

    Posted

    Hello how did you get on at the doctors have been thinking of you and hope and pray you are ok x

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