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25 years old depression my whole life

Posted , 3 users are following.

brandon56212
brandon56212

My name is Brandon and Im 25 years old. I live with my parents currently. I cant remember a time in my life where I  was truly happy where I knew my future would be bright. Ive had thoughts of dying and suicide since around the age of ten. I never really fit in school or had many friends I felt different and I still do. I didn't understand how all the other kids were so happy I wasn't. Through the years my depression grew so severe that by the time I got to high school I could barely get out of bed. I didn't even really see the point I had no dreams goals or anything in life honestly. The only thing I wanted to do was die in my sleep die and not wake up. I still feel this way to this day. I recently got in a bad accident have a lot of debt to pay all that money saved up down the drain not like Im moving out anytime soon I guess I have no prior education besides high school I struggled everyday in school if it wasn't for my mom helping me with all my homework I wouldn't even have graduated. So there I was on the stage shaking the guys hand telling me congratulations you passed you can go onto bigger and better things. I heard all the other kids talking about their goals and aspirations and what they wanted to do and there I was drowning in my own personal black hole that keeps growing more everyday. I knew at that moment that my life would never be the same. The years went by job after s****y job I quit or got fired from them all my resume is garbage. I couldn't stay at them how could I when I felt nothing nothing to be proud of. Fastfoward to 2017 I got really sick and developed tinnitus the noises you hear is enough to drive anyone to put a gun to their head. I cant remember much of that year all suffering the only thing Ive ever really felt multiple doctors trying anything to get better but they all told me there is no cure and Ill have to live with it. Now 2018 I just keep thinking when is it going to go away my tinnitus my depression I just want it all to go away if there was a button to end my life I would have pressed it in a second.I don't see  a point in going on I have no education other than high school I live in Illinois the most corrupt state in all of the United States people my age are graduating from top universities only to end up working at starbucks because of the massive amount of debt and competion. I just feel like there is no hope for me Ill never move out, make enough to live, be mentally happy for once. I remember telling my mom back in high school that I never asked to be born and don't know why Im here. My only real accomplishment is learning Spanish fluently but that for some reason doesn't give me any satisfaction. I just feel like most people will never understand. Its impossible for me to sleep at night without pot pills or alcohol because of how bad my tinnitus which is also how I lost my job when I had an accident I got drug tested you know the rest. Now Im without a job living here still have an interview tomorrow but don't care in the slightest since I cant stop smoking its the only way I sleep. There is not much else I really want to say If there is a god I wish he would just take me its been to long for me and Im ready to go now.

 

1 like, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • Patient
    Patient brandon56212

    Posted

    Hi brandon56212

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologise for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

     

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The organisations below can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen. If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to one of these organisations who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

     

    There are several helplines in the US which can help you.

     

    They include the Crisis Call Center on Phone: (800) 273-8255;

     Hopeline Network on Phone: (800) 422-HOPE (1-800-422-4673)

    and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline on Phone: (800) 273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

     

    Please do reach out - there are many good people who can help.

    For users outside of the USA please have a look at this page https://www.befrienders.org/directory

    Kind regards,

    Patient

     

  • jodybro_23
    jodybro_23 brandon56212

    Posted

    Hey Brandon, I can empathize with you. I too suffer from depression but there comes a time when you have to get out the state of self pity and begin to rise above your circumstances. It will not be easy but it takes a level of determination and will power to achieve this. Start by speaking positive affirmations. Tell yourself that I am able, I will succeed, I will be and accomplish something great in life. There is greatness in all of us, it's just for you to realize this and live up to your potential. You have to push yourself in this life, people won't always be there to encourage you. You have to find the strength within yourself. So chin up, square your shoulders and go conquer the world. Enough of the pity party.

  • hypercat
    hypercat brandon56212

    Posted

    Hi I am sorry you are feeling so bad,  whilst alcohol and pot seem to help in the short term they don't in the long term and can and will make your depression worse.

    You don't say whether you are having any treatment (meds) or any counselling for your depression?  There are other things you can google which should help and include things like mindfulness and meditation.  It is very hard to try and get yourself to a state where you are looking outwards and trying to make changes in your life but you must try otherwise will ever change. 

    I was about your age when I was feeling dreadful (my depression started in childhood) and I faced a stark choice.  I realised I couldn't go on the way I was and I had a choice.  I could either kill myself,  or I could to everything in my power to make my life a more worthwhile place to be.  I went to group counselling and took meds and set myself the task of change.  Once my mindset had changed a bit the changes came thick and fast like a domino effect.  I discovered by chance a passion in my life and practising it brought me friends and a good social life.  Because of increased confidence in myself I also bought my first property,  went abroad for the first time,   got 2 kittens,  went to Uni and did all these before I was 30.  

    Ok it wasn't easy and there were many times I despaired but fortunately I persisted.  I am not saying there might not come a time in the future when I wouldn't consider suicide again but not right now.  I tell myself every morning that today won't be the day I do it so I put it off indefinitely.  I am in my 60's now.  

    So you see there is hope - you have just got to be aware that it is there and do your very best for yourself and try everything before the ultimate decision.  x 

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