2nd bout of depression
Posted , 3 users are following.
Hi Melbi, Tiny Tears , Stilman....its ja again, i really thought my days of depression were over, cant remember last time i posted, i have had the best 2 months recently up until last weekend when things went downhill.
After finally coming to terms with the break up of my marriage and the ex meeting someone new I seemed to have sorted my head out, i finally got a buyer for my house, which was extremely lucky, then about 2 months ago i met the most amazing person, it was pure bliss, i felt alive again, happy, planning things, i hadnt felt this good for so many years, i was waking up in the morning looking forward to a new day, sounds cliched but i felt great, everyone who knows me noticed this as well, i was laughing, active, she had really gave me hope that my future was going to be good. Then this weekend she drops the bombshell that she is not realy over her divorce and that was that. I know what people may think, u only knew her briefly and yes i did, but since then i cant stop crying, im struggling to swallow my food and eat, i feel like getting drunk all the time, i was so looking forward to firework night, xmas, everything, now its all gone, even having my kids cant lift me, my daughter has noticed im not right.
My poor mum is worried i will descend into what i was like last year, this time though i feel worse if i can be, i just feel so hurt, it took me so long to be happy and all i can see is more darkness, that i will never be happy again, ive totally lost all interest in life. Im 32, not 16, i keep saying to myself, but this jolt has me questioning my whole life situation, like my world is crumbling again, i keep thinking why me? when i drove home tonight through where i live i felt like bursting into tears but held it together as i had my kids, right now i feel like getting hold of a bottle of vodka and just getting smashed, i wont as i have my kids and they need their dad, my darling daughter even said to me recently how nice it was to see daddy really happy again, i try to always be happy around my kids, but when i met her i was bouncing. At the moment i cannot see this gloom lifting, im not going back on the tablets, been off them now for months, did take 1 back in august when i had a low day, made me feel so ill , then i met her. I know people may think im full of self pity and they are right, im sorry to anyone who has genuine issues in their lives, mine is just my heart and head but i felt i just needed to post ad blurt out my feelings. I cant get anything positive in my head, even now i just wanna cry, is a 2nd bout of depression any worse or is each case different? thanks to anyone who reads this.......ja
0 likes, 64 replies
Stiltman
Posted
Good luck with the St John's Wort. Really hope it works for you and helps you break the back of your low moods.
I can really relate to what you say. You try to be a good person, to treat people fairly and with respect and it just seems that all you get back is crap.
But remember that those qualities are part of the person you are. A good, kind, honest man. A dad your kids love. A dad your kids will one day know how you fought and struggled for them. And love you all the more for it. And you will be able to look them in the eye and be proud of yourself that your love for them overrode everything else and you shielded them from the hurt and the bitterness. Because you are a good man with a good heart. That's why you won't give in.
And I won't give up either because despite all the crap the last year has thrown at me, all the times i've thought \"you should have been tougher\" \" why did you take all that\" - I still believe that I am a decent person.
And things will get better for us.
Hold on to that my friend. My thoughts are with you.
Have a good weekend
Best regards
Guest
Posted
Abbey, i so appreciate your mail, believe I fight, I fight every minute of my life, Im trying everything to take mind off things, but when those quite moments come, waking at 5 in morning, mind as fresh as daisy, full of worry, its so f ing hard, temporary relief is nice, but it doesnt solve it, ive used drink to help, I know, i control it, all part of my mad world and make up, thank u for your time in answering my post, really someone who can put their own time to post and help, in my world thats lovely....
Oh Stilman, today again I done what i thought was descent thing, wont bore with details, but im fraught with worry. I got my sons schoool photo today, he's mini me, i cant put into words how much he means to me, serious, if i never had my 2 babies i dont know where id be, i have them this weekend, i just hope when they are older they realise what dad done for em, how he suffered their mum and done what was best for them, not me but them. Stilman, I have so much respect for what u say, i am proud of what i have taken, yeah, i have broken down in floods of tears and my dear kids have cried at seeing dad upset, thtas so hard to take, im ashamed sometimes of my kids seeing me down, dad should be dad, but whatever path i take i know that not for me but for them i fucking done good by them, best i could. Oh Stilman i havents shielded them from bitterness, i cant, and i regret that, but i will give them every sinew i have , every penny i have to make sure they get what they need.
Stilman, you seem such a top , decent bloke, id love to have a pint with you, ok prob not best idea, but like you i am a decent bloke, f*ck me i have been sh*t on from greatest height but i wont become anything else, may not do me any good, but one day surely we will get our rewards my friend?
take care all, another day i havent gave in and another day closer to harmony.
ja
Guest
Posted
Ive joined the gym which i really enjoy but its the living with parents , xmas period that is seriously getting to me. Ive been reading this depression cycle alot the flatmess just will not go, hopefully come january when its all over i may feel better, also i dont want to drink too much over xmas period as this wont help, mind u i think this current feeling has alot to do with sat when i drank a silly amount at our xmas party.
Well i hope u r all well and looking forward to xmas and enjoy this time of year, best wishes to all.
ja
Stiltman
Posted
Sorry to hear that the St John's Wort is not helping so far. I really don't know too much about it i'm afraid in terms of dose, how long you need to take it etc. I think it's also supposed to stop you wanting to drink?? As I said before, I only ever met one person who took it and it didn't seem to do her much good - but she kept taking it anyway :? :?
It's doubtless a cliche, but I think if your life situation is glum then these feelings are exacerbated by the Christmas period. It can be a tough time of year and people invest so much of their emotional capital in a \"good\" christmas it can leave you gutted when it doesn't happen.
I think you just shouldn't expect much from it and then any good feelings are a bonus - at least you will have your children and whilst it maybe isn't great having to live with your parents, they do seem to care and want to support you. Amongst this though, perhaps try and make some space for some quiet time to yourself and try to do something that YOU want to do, if you're enjoying the gym, then go and just take it day at a time. And yes, keeping an eye on the booze is probably a good idea!! Sound advice which no doubt I will struggle to adhere to :roll:
I didn't think I would, but I'm actually quite looking forward to it myself. I seem to have found a kind of inner peace these last couple of weeks which weirdly seems to have come from having had to deal with a couple of family type crisis. For the first time in a long time I felt my self confidence and decisiveness coming back. It's been a long road but just maybe 2009 is going to be better. One tentative step at a time - it has been so long!!!
Take care my friend and best regards as always.