30 year old male, anxiety over always being single

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Hello, first I just want to say I hope this is in the right place, and secondly that I feel kind of bad for posting as I'm lucky and don't suffer with say social anxiety all the time like a friend of mine or have had a traumatic experience, etc. So please feel free to move / delete this if needed, I'm just feeling bad at the moment and need to vent / see if anyone is in the same boat, etc.

My story is that I am now a 30 year old male and apart from about 5 weeks when I was 16 I've never been in a relationship with a woman. This isn't down to me being a player who messes with woman, any wonderings about my sexuality or other accountable reasons. And it's really started to bother me.

I lack confidence. I lead a pretty normal teenage life but couldn't talk with girls much, so I never 'learn't' how to approach women, I've still never been able to just speak to a random one in a bar for example.

When I was 27 I had what I call my 'breakdown'. I had a job going nowhere and the continuous being single pushed me to boiling point. I was constantly anxious and making myself ill for at least 3 weeks (the period is kind of hazy now). But I decided I needed to move from my small town to London and start a new life.

I did this about 6 months later after getting a contract job. I moved to a big city, new big office job and living with housemates who were total strangers. People said I was brave to do so but to me it was something I just had to do to keep my sanity.

But looking back on it now my self-confidence level seems so high. Since then I am still in London but 2014 consisted of hunting for a new job, getting one but the position being made redundant 6 months later and since October I've been out of work, struggling to live, no money to see the friends I had made, etc.

Relationship wise I haven't had any long-term success but I did do online dating and in total must have met 10 or so women from it, which for me is a massive step forward. Most of all I wasn't extremely nervous or at panic before going to the dates, it just felt like a normal thing to do, I felt normal with woman!

Now though I have no confidence at all, I can't even imagine the me of 9 months ago when I went on first dates with 4 women in about 6 weeks, got a couple of 2nd dates from it, etc.

Basically my anxiety is back for the first time in about 2 1/2 years. I'm panicking about what is happening with my life, why I've never been able to attract a woman and if I ever will experience what a loving relationship feels like.

I am overweight, not massively but it's always been there. I am finally making a real attempt at losing it after lots of half-arsed ones, but if anything this just makes me feel worse with my current state at the moment.

I've spoke with some friends I feel close enough to to discuss it and they all say sensible things that in my head I know are true "You just need to be working again and seeing people daily", "You need to live your life for yourself first", "losing some weight will make you feel more confident." I know it's all true, yet it doesn't stop me waking up at 6am and panicking that I'm single and don't have any contact with women that might lead to more etc.

I'm sorry that the above is pretty long and I have no idea if it makes sense to someone outside my head, but when I get like this I just need to let it out and I think my friends are getting a bit sick of it! Thank you.

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  • Posted

    Goodmorning barwil1984,

     Ihave jjust read your posting . It is not a silly posting in any way shape or form.

    You are quite simply posting in here how you are feeling ,and also the reason you feel this way.

    By doing this ,you are now opening yourself up to receiving help /advice from others in here who may well be in the very same situation you are in at this moment in time,and I am sure you will find that someone ,posting back to you .

    I am sorry you feel the way you do ,and feel you could accept what you know in your head /heart to be true,as your friends point out .

    I know it is not easy to just push your feelings to the side I would never ask you or anyone else to do so ..

    You know you have now been able to make a date with ladies ,(it didnt work out ) with a relationship for you at the time)however ,it simply points out ,they were not the right ladies for you .I believe you will meet that lovely lady (maybe in here who knows).you will both know when that happens ,and take it from there .

    Please try not to be too despondent ,your life does lie ahead of you Barwil,if you wish to discuss anything else please feel free to do so

    Take Care



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  • Posted

    Hi there,

    I can understand your problem. Being anxious is a normal human behavior and specially for boys when they are at the age between 25 to 30 anxiety is at its peak smile

    Boys ..After thier education, struggles for a better carrer during their near 30's.

    I suggest to you to first focus on your carrer as we knows that Girls also looks for a well settled man. Secondly, you need to groom yourself. If you are a bit overweight.. start lossing some weight.

    Start activities which help you to increase your self confidence like .. Start Gym, do Meditation or Yoga. Point out your qualities. Set small goals and reward yourself after the achievements. Be in a company of good and positive people.

    Atlast I want to say that thers ia right time for everything when it will come, you will meet your partner. Sometimes, its all about destiny and all.

    Remember .. every one deserves good relationships in his/her life.. So.. you .. smile

    Be stress free and enjoy the life.


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  • Posted

    You are lucky. I am 69 & never had sex or a girlfriend.you are still in with a chance.i was quite good looking as a youth, in fact girls used to say I looked like a young David Essex.they used to ask me out I didn't have to ask them. But as soon as they showed any interest in that way I used to shake like a leaf & make my excuses & leave. I put it all Down to my mother.when I was about ten I was caught playing docs & nurses with the girl next door. My mother found out took my trousers down & gave me a good hiding.she also made me have a bath & told me never to do anything like that again.......which of course I havent.
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