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I’m a male. 34 years old. Got diagnosed with high-functioning autism 2 years ago. After a lifelong struggle of my quest for the answer: why do i feel different and whats wrong with me.
As a kid i loved to play with Lego, was very strict with what i liked and how people around me should behave. If i did not like something, i said it in a rude way, without understanding the social rudeness.
I had a strong melancholic feeling all my life. My emotions are difficult to explain.
I dwell deeply into every endeavor I undertake. From sports to music and writing.
Besides my autism, I have all my life struggled with anxiety and bouts of depression.
My biggest issue is the social aspect. I have a hard time listening, paying attention to others and feeling empty.
This has led me to probably the worst part of my autism: no true deep relationship with females, meaning no girlfriends.
I often feel lonely and escape from this world into my musical world. Because writing music gives relief and relates my anxiety.
I’m a deeply emotional person. I love dogs and children. But adult interactions drains me and makes me emotional.
MY mind is 90% music. probably to the level of OCD.
This of course is affecting all social interactions. I hate small talk and only talk about a narrow selection of topics. Mostly music.
Social interactions are draining for me. But my quest for love is an endless quest it seems. This has made me shut down internally from time to time.
With the frustration of lack of love, intimacy, and hugs from females. Online dating works but it is the real world social interactions that drain. After a while the dates gets boring and my mind gets filled with music. I have no issues getting dates. But still, I feel unexcited. Mostly because interactions take too much energy. So its a paradox.
I have close friends and no problems getting acquaintances.
But lack of love and female affection is killing my soul. I feel like I will remain alone.
Just wanted to ventilate a bit.
Can anyone relate to my story?
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