4 Months of hell, I don't know what to do.
Posted , 4 users are following.
Hi, excuse the dramatic title but it really has been the hardest few months of my life. Here's a brief history of me.
I'm 34, never had a serious girlfriend probably due to the fact that I have "Phimosis" resulting in uncomfortable sex, so I've deliberatley and actively avoided having sex and entering into any kind of closeness with anyone. I have convinced myself with 100% certaintly that I will never had children or ever even get a girl....and I've been 'ok' with this for years.
I am popular, lots of friends, always had attention from people and am loved by my family and close friends.
Earlier this year a girl (friend of 20 years) and I got together, extremely tentatively at first but good nethertheless and we started seeing each other. It soon came to bedroom time and sure enough, the inevitable moment arrived where I said "it hurts", I got the sweats, cried and we stopped (obviously!). She's the first person EVER to say "it's ok", so as a result I didn't leave, and she didnt either.
She is an amazing person and we've talked about circumsistion etc but he comes the problem. I've become obsessed with breaking up with her, I've become obsessed with "why don't I love her?", it's completely taken over my life, I have lost 2 stone in as many months, I get nervy with every text/phonecall from her, I get irritated with her for no good reason and I'm in a constant (ALL DAY) state of worry/depression to the point it now physically hurts my stomach. I have put ALL the pressure in the world on whether we should be together and I can't turn it off. It's all I think about. I cry between 5-10 times a day, sometimes more and it's time to do something to change this. I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy but it's useless, it's just talking. The girlfriend has suggested (yes, we've talked a lot about all this) CBT so I'm looking into that.
Any advice would be welcomed.
0 likes, 13 replies
dinky_dee Sbassman
Posted
I've met a couple of guys with this problem but never knew what it was called...
elizabeth20203 Sbassman
Posted
her so as not to keep her hanging on. It's important that you sort your own
mental health. Have a talk with your GP. Hope this helps.
Elizabeth.
Sbassman
Posted
chris43551 Sbassman
Posted
elizabeth20203 Sbassman
Posted
Elizabeth.
Sbassman
Posted
chris43551 Sbassman
Posted
Sbassman
Posted
It also doesn't help that I've been unhappy at work, I travel constantly and we only see each other a couple of times a week. We've been together 6 months only. The first 2 were nice, then I changed jobs and didn't like the change, that's when things started to go downwards. Again, hopefully, these are all reasons but what if they're not and I've just picked the wrong girl. It's eating me up...!
chris43551 Sbassman
Posted
Successful relationships seem to progress at the same pace for both people. You do both seem to be in different places, but the "But I love you so much ! " .... scenario, is always one of the most difficult situations to deal with. So take some pressure off yourself.
Firstly, you're 34 and a bloke. The great news is you can, if you choose, have children into your 70s. Secondly, you are not about to walk down the aisle, yet you do seem to be feeling the same pressures that an unsure bride or groom may experience. Your not. There is absolutely no need for you to make any life long commitment today. None at all. Thirdly, having difficult conversations with those close to us, causes even the most articulate and self assured amongst us, nightmares. Difficult conversations are never easy. However, you do realise that you do need to do something, or say something. You do realise that something isn't right for you.
I would write a letter to her. We hate the phrase, I need space, but truly you do, just be careful you aren't prolonging a misery by offering false hope. I do think this friendship needs to be put back to a friendship level. The timing for romance appears to be all wrong for you, but perhaps stressing how important it is to you to have her as a friend is causing you such turmoil. Perhaps you can't face losing her friendship, she clearly is a very close confidant, but her terms of the relationship seem to be romance or romantically involved or nothing? Maybe ask her that question? If she has got too romantically involved, that she can't bear to have a 'friends only' relationship, then sadly it sounds as though this isn't healthy for you at the moment. Your not in a place where you can commit to romance, and it's as heartbreaking for you as it is for her? Her friendship and support means so much more to you at the moment.
In the meantime, please don't put off fixing yourself. Make 2015 a year for you. Please please do follow up on your surgery options, do take advice from your GP, and it's going to be work, effort on your part, not just a magic pill fix. Of course you're more comfortable alone, (whoopee, look on the bright side it does all work) but if you can address the pain and awkwardness, you will discover additional joys in sharing intimate moments. Take it slow, there's no time limits, but do ask yourself if you want to be typing this same post at 54? Everything is fixable, just because something has always been that way, doesn't mean to say it has to always be that way. You are young, there's so much to look forward to, stuff you can't even imagine today. But it's one step at a time and you can be the man you want to be, the man you admire, and the man capable of loving freely. Take those first steps xxxx
Sbassman chris43551
Posted
chris43551 Sbassman
Posted
athol91131 Sbassman
Posted
charlielovesitx Sbassman
Posted