5'7\", 260lbs... About to begin my journey with Orlista

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After being overweight for all of my adolescent / adult life, something inside of me finally snapped. For years I have been living, and not achieving my full potential. People think that being obese is down to lazyness and greed. I agree. For years I have eaten whatever the **** I want, because hey - I'm fat anyway, so what does it matter? There has always been a satisfying feeling when I am \"full\", and therefore, I guess I just kept on eating. Fast forward to where I am now.

I can tell you that being obese is a miserable lifestyle. Every aspect of my life is impacted by my weight. Physically, I find things hard to do as I quickly get out of breath, start sweating and begin to get aches and pains... Even things like cleaning the house. Not to mention the potential risk from life threatening illnesses and conditions, such as diabetes, heart disease, strokes, certain cancers and high blood pressure / cholesterol. However, the physical impacts as scary as they are, are not as hurtful as the social and emotional difficulties I have faced through obesity.

I don't have a very active social life. I have a small group of friends who I have known for many years, but when it comes to going clubbing / dancing / any sort of social activity, I always refrain because I feel so self aware, and with zero confidence it just makes me think \"why bother\"? I have never held a relationship that meant something. I briefly dated someone at the beginning of the year, but I quickly left him because I felt that the only reason that I was dating him was to fool myself into thinking that someone actually found me attractive. Professionally, I feel like my performance at work is deeply affected by my current weight. I feel like at work I can't achieve things that I would like to because I feel like I have already been judged as a fat, lazy worthless employee. So it's safe to say that the emotional issues regarding obesity are large (no pun intended, haha). Zero confidence and esteem. I have actually came to the point where I hate myself, and I feel disgusted and bitter that it had to come to this before I was ready to accept the negativity of my current state and find the will power to change my life style completely.

When I was about 17, I joined Weight Watchers (lol) and successfully lost 40lbs through following their point system. I was deluded though. Weight Watchers doesn't teach you anything and at the end of the day, it is a business. They are giants capitalizing on the low self esteem of thousands of people out there. When I think about it now, it makes me laugh at how ridiculous it all was. Paying money every week to get publicly humiliated... Not to mention the money that I spent on their food products. I would of been better off eating cardboard. However, instead of continuing with my weight loss, I was another number in the statistics who not only put on all the weight that I had lost... But more!

Anyway, I just wanted to make this post to get those thoughts / feelings out there. I'm not looking for any kind of pity whatsoever, I just needed to get what I was thinking out of my head. I'm both nervous and scared, but also so excited to actually be beginning this journey. I know that I have a long journey ahead of me, but I'm willing to embrace it with open arms. I'd like to use this post to refer back to and maybe update with achievements and goals as I go.

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Welcome smile

    Good luck on your journey

    It is good to get things off your chest

    See this as a beginning to the rest of your life , a healthier and fitter life if you can stick at it

    It's not easy especially right at the beginning

    I get a buzz out of losing weight and work hard at it because I don't want to gain any more, but this doesn't stop me worrying that I wont lose.

    Hope you've got supportive people around you

    Look through previous post i've learnt lots off here, just looking on here makes you realise you aren't alone

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  • Posted

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Psychologically it's a minefield.

    From the outside I appear quite 'sorted', but secretly I've got quite low self esteem. It's as if I don't think I deserve anything. I kinda tell myself I don't care if I'm fat. But I realise that if you convince yourself you don't care about something, it's a protection for not getting hurt. But it's all rubbish. Of course I care what I do, what happens to me etc....and I don't want to be overweight!

    We can't control every aspect of our lives but we have more control over things than we often think. I am a single mum of three children (one special needs) and I have two jobs. In areas of my life I have managed to make quite dramatic changes and I have done things that other women in my situation would not have considered possible. In areas of my life I have 'snapped', taken steps in an alternative direction, and then suprised myself what I've achieved. That's what I mean about not deserving things. I get so suprised when I achieve things! But I can and I have! So, now I need to take action over my weight. I DON'T want to be overweight and not only can I do something about it, but I am actually the best person for the job!

    It's early days for me and I'm still trying to get my head round it, but I find it's better if I don't really consider it 'eating', but more kinda 'feeding myself'. We can develop such an emotional response to food but at the end of the day it's just 'fuel'. I wouldn't put twice as much fuel in my car! I keep thinking about years ago when I was working with a cookery teacher and she would do a demonstration to the students but at the end of the lesson it was thrown away. I was horrified to see food being wasted all the time and when I commented (I'm terrible now at finishing my children's food so that it's not wasted), she explained to me that she saw her cookery demonstration like an experiment in a Chemistry lesson. The ingredients were just chemicals. I find it helps if I think like that, but I'm having to rewire myself because it's particularly difficult because food hasn't always been plentiful.

    If we want to do something we can always find a way to make it happen and if we don't want to do something we can always find an excuse.

    Your writing makes you come across as very intelligent and thoughtful. We are both similar with our self doubting but we can do whatever we set our minds on. I know I can because I've done it with other things. It's so easy to see everybody else around us as 'sorted', but as I keep telling my children....\"Everybody else is more screwed up than you think\" and \"Don't compare your insides with other people's outsides\".

    The other thing on my mind is how I'll put something off for ages because I just can't face it. An example is tidying a room up. I can live with a mess for ages and if I finally snap and tidy it up I'm suprised how unpainful it was and wish I'd done it ages ago. I think my weight is like that. I know that I'm going to look back and wish I'd lost weight ages ago!

    x

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  • Posted

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I know what it is like to feel low and alone.

    I had an operation that went wrong, lost my job because of it, lost friends, and became very depressed. I hated the way i looked i suffer now with anxiety, i put on alot of weight, and hated myself even more.

    One day one of my nephews said i was fat, out of the mouths of babes !! i broke my heart but what he said was right, i am fat and i hate it.

    These last 3 years have been hell for me since the operation went wrong in 2007 i have had to have 4 more ops. Still one more to go! and i have hence gained 5 stone.

    I couldnt take any more and broke down my doctor increased my antidepressants, but thats not really what i need. I told her i need help with my weight, and here i am today.

    I have been on orlistat for 6 weeks and have lost a stone. People on here have been great, helpful and encouraging.

    Welcome to our little family let us help you on your journey, and well done

    for be brave and sharing your story with us.

    Good luck and keep us posted on how you are getting on.

    Take care

    Tilly xx

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  • Posted

    Poundless, your post brought a lump to my throat because it struck so many chords. Like you I've let my weight affect my confidence and self esteem.

    I really admire women like Dawn French who say they are happy with their bodies, but I can't help thinking that if someone offered them a pill that would make them a size 12 overnight, they would snatch it in a shot.

    Being fat doesn't make you any less of a person though and hopefully you'll start to like yourself more as you lose the weight.

    Like you I've got a huge amount to lose so it looks like we're here for the long-haul. Best of luck buddy - we can do it!! x

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