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Im 22 and currently waiting until the 2nd for a phone assessment for counseling. But im not just depressed.
At 16 I became someone 'of logic', i could justify that life was pointless through logic. At 17 I was able to convince myself that guilt and empathy were pointless and to this day no longer feel them. I also became depressed and came to the realization i am physically attracted to people, but have never and still havent 'liked' someone. I also started self harming. At 18 that stopped but the depression became worse while i found myself in casual relationships that never went well. My brother also started stealing from me and i lost a lot of friends. At 19 I stopped talking to my brother completely and have since been unable to trust anybody. From then until now my hatred for people and depression have got increasingly worse and my 'psychopath' side is more prominent. Though i am an inherently good person and do no wrong i understand that i share common attributes to this type of person. I have now ended another casual relationship, have only 2 friends and am living at home with a brother i still havent spoken to, my mums partner that up and left leaving a 10k gambling debt before coming back and a mother that lies for them both while trying to shoe horn me out of the door.
During all of this i have had continuous sleep problems and nightmares. I am in no position to move out as it is not affordable unless i do over 60 hours at my job.
I am soon to have therapy and have turned down the fluoxetine prescribed by my doc, but i am aware that the way i am feeling is as much about the way my mind works as it is the bad times i am constantly having. How should i tackle this?
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