5 years of depression and an unhealthy mind, any thoughts on hat I can do?

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Im 22 and currently waiting until the 2nd for a phone assessment for counseling. But im not just depressed.

At 16 I became someone 'of logic', i could justify that life was pointless through logic. At 17 I was able to convince myself that guilt and empathy were pointless and to this day no longer feel them. I also became depressed and came to the realization i am physically attracted to people, but have never and still havent 'liked' someone. I also started self harming. At 18 that stopped but the depression became worse while i found myself in casual relationships that never went well. My brother also started stealing from me and i lost a lot of friends. At 19 I stopped talking to my brother completely and have since been unable to trust anybody. From then until now my hatred for people and depression have got increasingly worse and my 'psychopath' side is more prominent. Though i am an inherently good person and do no wrong i understand that i share common attributes to this type of person. I have now ended another casual relationship, have only 2 friends and am living at home with a brother i still havent spoken to, my mums partner that up and left leaving a 10k gambling debt before coming back and a mother that lies for them both while trying to shoe horn me out of the door.

During all of this i have had continuous sleep problems and nightmares. I am in no position to move out as it is not affordable unless i do over 60 hours at my job.

I am soon to have therapy and have turned down the fluoxetine prescribed by my doc, but i am aware that the way i am feeling is as much about the way my mind works as it is the bad times i am constantly having. How should i tackle this?

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  • Posted

    1st: you don't have an `unhealthy mind!' 2nd: Most people with psychopathy/anti-social `disorders' are not aware of it. To them it's `normal'. You seem to have had a hard time with your family and probably as a consequence you have become a bit confused about everything. At your age you are still going through a situation known as the `leaving home' syndrome. You still have a lot of issues with your family and childhood and are having trouble knowing how to be a grown up. If it helps there are many, many people who come to grief at this time. It;s such a common problem that Jay Haley has written a book about it called, you guessed it `Leaving Home'. See if you can get a copy, have a look, it could be a bit technical (you know, `therapy-speak'), but have a go. It would be ideal if your family could go to a `therapist/counsellor' but I suspect that's not going to happen. Still, you've had a go at most of the unsuccessful ways of dealing with the tough stuff and moved on, you can do it again but this time with the good stuff. You've got great insight and, I think, a good sense of humour.so despite it being hard right now, I think you can get there, wherever it is you want to go.

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  • Posted

    crafty. if I were you i would seek out some professional help for yourself and get some help soon. Tell a person u can trust.. you are an adult now and you don't have the be the victim. Just get help ASAP. I'm sure they will guide u in the right direction. Good luck.
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  • Posted

    Hi Crafty.

    I agree with Pat - go and see a professional. It's the logical thing to do. You can't lose by it, and some of the pros are very good indeed.

    All The best.

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  • Posted

    thanks for the replies, i do disagree however that i have a problem being a grown up. I matured at a faster rate than any of my friends and looked forward to being an adult to getting away from the playground bitching and childish relationships that i was around at school and college. I am dissapointed to find that adults are exactly the same. So now as a 22 year old i feel like the most mature person of everyone i know, excluding my grandparents.

    The 'psychopath' side i refer to is something that i have become more and more while growing up. In the past i have done things and felt no guilt or empathy in doing so, things that no longer do as they are not good. At times where people made things personal i have been able to do bad things, from ending their relationship by seducing their girlfriend to demonstrating that there is no line in the sand for me. When a seagull was dying a friends garden he looked to me to put it out of its misery, having been aware of how my mind works.

    I have been threatened and been jumped by a large group of people with my friends and at no point did i feel fear, peace within chaos if you will.

    I do have therapy sometime soon, but seeing as my view of the world makes i harder for me to be around people, im looking at the possibility even leaving home and getting away from all the troubles im surrounded by will not help.

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  • Posted

    I didn't mean to be derogatory, but I'm probably older than your gran and you seem very young to me. Good luck, honey.
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  • Posted

    Why are you working so many hours? That is not healthy for you.
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  • Posted

    I don't think she's actually working 60 hours - she just feels she'd have to if she wants to leave home.
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