7 year old with anger problems

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my son has aspergers he was diagnosed last year at the age of 33. I have always knew there was something i suspected he was on the spectrum somewhere unfortunatly years ago people were not interested in helping kids with autism unless they were very severe, so i managed by myself and dealt with my sons condition mainly with love nurturing and positive reinforcement, so now here  we are in the situation he has 4 children ranging from 7-2 and i believe the eldest has asperges like my son, and all of a sudden things have come to a head with my grandson because he is having major meltdowns they are only happening at home and mostly in connection with his brother who is 5 i believe it has happened because over a period of time with the younger grandson a certain amount of bad behaivour towards his big brother has been allowed to escalate and i have observed my eldest grandson has a deep feeling of injustice about this he is a very intelligent child who takes offence very quickly when things are wrong i have been trying to explain to my son to put himself in his sons shoes and i know how difficult if not impossible this is for him i have tried to ask him to be empathetic but he doesnt get it i have explained he and his partner are the first line of defence for their child(children) and sending my grandson to a naughty step and putting him into issolation when he most needs the love of his parents is not the way to go. i have also suggested making my grandson a safe place in the house to go like a safe cave soft area with soft blankets and cushions, when he was very little he liked to sit in a cupboard and close the door.  i  bought my grandson a punch bag i thought it might help with frustration

my daughter in law has gone to her gp and asked for my grandson to be assessed gp  has agreed and said she will fully support them as their gp so thats a good start but it worries me that my daughter in law thinks my grandson is a danger to the other children he is a very confused sad and misunderstood child i just want to get involved and see what i can do to help. i do have a very good relationship with my son and daughter in law we are a close family

any ideas would be very welcome thank you for reading

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    How this must tear you apart 'Sunrise'.  So many factors could be compounding your grandson's situation and it's always hard being the eldest of a large family.  I guess that 'empathy' will be very hard for your son to understand or experience so it's your daughter in law who may have to take a lead and get some help in how to manage things.  I think your cave idea is excellent and should not be seen as a punishment; more 'time out'.  I don't know if you have a local family centre which offers parenting courses but this could be useful.  How lucky they all are to have you batting for them and with them; this may be the difference between coping or not coping.  I wish you all the very best and hope you get some answers from the medics and maybe childrens services too.
    • Posted

      all of the family centres in this area were closed with the government budget cuts, there will be help somewhere i will persevere untill i find it even if its self help we will do what it takes to support our grandson my husband is 100% in this aswell. as grandparents its hard yesterday i had a conversation with daughter i law regarding time out and how it isolates the grandson and she thought i was being critical i stayed calm and said it was more an obsevation also when the younger children playup they dont always get punished at the same level and my grandson clearly sees the injustice in this (im sorry if im repeating myself) i have fibromyalgia so i have a rubbish memory (lol) and that makes him over-react when he is "punished" and has a meltdown

      so it's like trying to educate the parents first does that make sense?

       i thankyou for taking the trouble to answer my query

  • Posted

    Great idea for a safe room. Also I would suggest music ear phones that block out outside noises. They can relax & stay calm better.

    My grandson wears his when they go on family outings. He is calmer with less meltdowns.

    Also today the schools have a better understanding for children with Aspergers as well as summer camps just for them. I had the same issue u did back in the 70-80. 

    • Posted

      yes i have already suggested the earphones and music which has been started with my grandson, but i will buy him some of the noise cancelling head phones. i have another grandson who is just 3 and has these head phones my daughter takes them every where they go on that note, she has a dilema about getting him tested she doesn't know if it is best to get him tested now at 3 or wait untill he starts school, he is very highly gifted he is already counting above the 100's he can add and subtract he knows all he alphabet. he could write it at 2yrs old. he can write three and four letter words and some larger ones like, mummy daddy thomas nanny grandad he has now started to teach himself to read, my daughter doesnt like to 'blow his trumpet' so to speak because she doesnt want to come across as a pushy mum, she is not. my grandson has taught himself it all his 'thing' is trains, and numbers, my seven yr old grandsons 'thing' is animals my sons 'thing' is cars autism is definately running through the family, seems to be mainly boys although im sure i do have some trites on the ocd and anxiety side of things!  we just do not know where to turn to for help i'm sorry to go on im just trying to find some answers 

      what did you do about your family member back in the day did you get any help? what level of autism did they have? has anyone else in your family been diagnosed with it iinterested to find  if there was a genetic link in your family like in ours, i hope you don't think thats too personal, thank you so much for answering my query it was very kind of you.

    • Posted

      Hi sunrise.

      My suggestions would be:

      * make appointment with peadiatrician 

      *ask peadiatrician for referral to CAMHS

      CAMHS stands for child and adolescent mental health services and it's the part of the NHS that provides a variety of services for children with mental health problems. In many areas CAMHS also provides a service for Autistic spectrum disorders (including Asperger's Syndrome), including diagnosis. CAMHS is a national service with teams in all regions. Different areas can vary a bit with what services they are able to provide and with waiting lists etc.

      In CAMHS you have members of staff such as Mental Health Practitioners (who can be social workers or nurses usually), Clinical specialist nurses/practitioners, child psychologists, eating disorder specialists, primary mental health practitioners, and child psychiatrists. Often there will be therapists such as Cognitive Behavioural therapists or Family therapists.

      What will probably happen is that you will receive a letter from CAMHS telling you whether they have accepted the referral or not (if not there may be a more appropriate service that you could be signposted to). If the referral is accepted you'll be invited to attend an initial assessment (though it might be called something different) of what the concerns/issues are. They may ask to speak to your child's school and request any copies of any assessments done by education psychologists etc if there are any. This is just to aid the gathering of information for assessment. From that assessment it will be discussed with you what they feel is the best course of action e.g. your child's name be put on list for specialist Autism assessment or if not appropriate for that various other options could be discussed. 

      CAMHS are normally pretty helpful if they can be and are usually more than happy for parents to ring them to ask on the progress of the referral, discuss any concerns they have or seek advice. Some CAMHS do have waiting lists sadly.

      *talk to SENCO teacher at your grandchild school

       "WHAT IS A SENCO?"

      SENCO stands for "Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator". A SENCO is responsible for the day-to-day operation of the school's SEN policy. All mainstream schools must appoint a teacher to be their SENCO.


      The SENCO will co-ordinate additional support for pupils with SEN and liaise with their parents, teachers and other professionals who are involved with them. The SENCO has responsibility for requesting the involvement of an Educational Psychologist and other external services particularly for children receiving support at School Action and School Action Plus. This also includes general SEN assessments, administration and parental support.

      The SENCO should have the support of the head teacher and other teachers to try and develop effective ways of overcoming barriers to a child's learning and ensuring that they receive effective teaching through assessing the child’s needs and setting targets for improvement. SENCOs must also collaborate with curriculum co-ordinators at the school to make sure that the learning requirements of all children with SEN are given equal emphasis and priority.

      At both the School Action and the School Action Plus stages, a SENCO will work with the teacher to consider the child’s needs, and will take the lead role in getting further assessment of a child where necessary, by contacting the LEA. They normally will be responsible for making a request of the LEA for a Statutory Assessment which may result in a Statement of SEN.

      In a small school, the head teacher or deputy head teacher may take on the role of SENCO.  In larger schools there may be a SEN coordinating team (with more than one SENCO) which may include teaching assistants.

      What happens when you leave school?

      When you leave school to attend college or University, or start a job, there will not be a SENCO to coordinate your support. However, there are other ways to make sure you get the right kind of support to help you continue to learn and achieve.

      All the best to you and your family biggrin


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