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I’m 20 years old and for the past 7 years, my desire to feel normal has grown to the point of suicide feeling like the only option left. I haven’t been diagnosed by a medical professional, but I know what hs is and what it’s done to me. I know I have to. I will. But I have this thinking that if I put it out there, even to a doctor, that if someone other than myself knows I have this disease, no one is going to see me as I am. Normal. And there’s nothing wrong with being different, but I don’t think I’ll be able to live with someone knowing my “different” is a disgusting, incurable, skin disease. I feel trapped. All of my friends and family are moving on with their lives, getting engaged, married, having children, when it feels like isolation is my only option. I told myself once, several times, everyday, I would be okay being alone. But I’m not. It f*****g hurts. I want to be able to decide whether or not I want to date or have a family. Instead hs chose for me. I tell myself sometimes I should be grateful my hs isn’t as debilitating as I know it can get. I tell myself I should be lucky it only hurts sometimes. That it could have been much, much worse. But f**k that. I’m not grateful for those things. I’m don’t feel lucky for suffering less than others. No one with hs should feel like that. No one should have hs at all. I want to find motivation. I want to go to a doctor. I want to get treatment. I want to feel like a person. I’ve never in my life opened up about this. I really hope it gets better. I’m tired.
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