A cautionary tale or how I gave myself a TBI. Where do I go from here?

the last time i self harmed was back in August of last year.

im ashamed to admit that I punched myself repeatedly in the head and face and banged my head hard on the wall until I started to get real sleepy at which point i blacked out and slept for a day or two if I remember right..

since then my life has not been the same. i cant think or concentrate on anything at all and I used to love reading and learning new things. now i have to go back and slowly read and reread what is in front of me for it to stick and for me to actually retain what im reading.

people close to me have also noticed a major personality change whereas I feel like a lifeless zombie most of the time, a shell of who I used to be. i am far more reserved now even timid and quiet where I used to be lively and outgoing even on my bad days.

everything is so overwhelming, even little simple tasks can feel like mountains. i used to enjoy cooking and now that can even be dangerous because I have a tendency to disappear or disassociate from what im doing so i usually have to ask for help.

i am on a slew of antipsychotics that make me feel more depressed and zombie like but I need to take them to make sure im following the doctors orders but I havent been able to get them to do any imaging of my head at all and my insurance denied the procedure twice.

theres a part of me that wants to injure myself again on the head except this time actually go in and get help so the doctors will take me seriously. then they can see the past injuries. I know that isnt the way to go about doing things and could make my situation even worse I just want my injury to be acknowledged because I really messed my brain up bad.

because of all this my depression has been through the roof and I feel like a huge burden on my family, especially because finding and holding a job right now in my condition is almost next to impossible. it doesnt help that ive burned just about every bridge ive crossed and screwed up every job ive ever had do i dont have any real work references or professional references to put on an application.

i feel useless and worthless and think about dying or having suicidal ideation and planning every day but I dont have anything solid so no attempts im just sick and tired of feeling like this and thinking that i really may have done significant permanent damage to my brain. i just spent a week in inpatient psychiatry ward for the suicidal thoughts but i dont feel like I was in there long enough.

ive been such a cerebral person in my head so much it was the one safe place of refuge and I sabotaged it, feels like my mind was once a big beautiful house and now the windows are all busted and the place is falling apart. not to mention every anxiety and every fear feels magnified by a thousand and I have mean, cruel almost demonic sounding voices that call me names and put me down and tell me bad things are going to happen and that I need to be dead.

i browsed for hours before posting this and I can see this is a really helpful and beautiful community so I figured you all wouldnt mind if I vent and also to ask you all, what would you do in my situation? im already set up with a psychiatrist and a therapist and some local behavioral health resources in my area i am just lacking in people I can talk to so I thought this would be a great place to reach out to.

thank you muchly.

1 like, 3 replies