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Abandonment issues have ruined every relationship I've been in. Please help me.

Posted , 6 users are following.

carrieeee
carrieeee

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old woman, and my current relation ship is on the rocks because of me. Please help me.

Without going into too much detail about my past, I have abandonment issues. I obsess over partners cheating on me, dumping me or finding someone better. This has caused all of my previous relationships to fail.

In my current relationship, I obsess over my partner cheating on me. I obsessively check his social media for 'likes' from other females, new females being added to his profiles etc. I am convinced that I will 'catch him out'.

He is a good man who has told me silly lies to protect me and him from my over thinking - such as not telling me when he meets his female best friend (who I have never met, and am uncomfortable with as I know he has talked about me and our issues with her).

I completely break down if I see something that should be insignificant, such as him 'liking' one of his female acquaintances pictures.

I know how crazy I sound. I think rationally until I see something else insignificant, then all rational thinking goes out the window. We have had constant arguments and rows over females on his social media.

This is my problem, I realise this. My past relationships show me that. It doesn't help that he isn't an overly empathic person, so my constant looks for reassurance just make him anguy and push him further away.

Can somebody please offer some advice or anything at all, this is ruining my life.

1 like, 15 replies

15 Replies

  • faye70003
    faye70003 carrieeee

    Posted

    Hi Carrie,

    Firstly your not alone, most people are guilty of obsessing over social media sites at some point in their lives. In fact I believe that facebook is the cause of many modern day arguements. The fact that you have experienced these feelings it in the past may suggest that it is something you could work on but its normal to be afraid of losing a loved one to someone else.

    I my experience there is usually a reason behind feelings of paranioa and it may be due a rational to a lack of trust or low self esteem. Im no expert but I have experienced a similar feeling in the past and to keep myself sane I decided to delete my social media accounts and take up a new hobby - mine was dance classes because it was fun, social and boosted my confidence whilst occupying my mind.

     

    • carrieeee
      carrieeee faye70003

      Posted

      Thank you so much for replying. I have sometimes wondered if I should jusjust delete my social media, but I would lose contact with so many friends.

      I have very low self-esteem, body dysmorphia, depression and bulimia. I hate myself for destroying yet another relationship, because I cannot handle any sort of female attention that my partner gets. It honestly eats me up inside. Is there any hope of beating this before it's too late?

  • sue99534
    sue99534 carrieeee

    Posted

    Dear carrieeee. You must try to learn some self-worth. You obviously have these feelings because you do not think yourself worthy of your partners' love. You use the phrase 'finding someone better' - that just shows your low opinion of yourself. You haven't gone into detail but it clearly stems from your abandonment issues. Don't be too hard on yourself. What happens in our earlier lives can have a damaging effect on our future. I strongly recommend that you speak to your GP or a therapist. With counselling and understanding the past does NOT have to affect you for ever. Does your partner know of your abandonment issues? You say that he is a 'good man' but isn't empathetic. Maybe if you explain why you feel like you do it will help him understand your behaviour. I know that men can appear unempathetic but in my experience men hate the thought of something beyond their control having an effect on you, They think that it is only them that should have any effect on your feelings. If, however, he knows what is causing your insecurity he can help, and at the same time feel better about himself. If he doesn't want to know or help then he is not worth your affection. Tell yourself you deserve to be happy. My favourite poem is called 'Desiderata'. Try Googling it and read it . It may help to explain what I am trying to say. 

    I hope that this helps you. You are as good as the next person.

    • carrieeee
      carrieeee sue99534

      Posted

      Thank you so much for your lovely reply, kind words and advice.

      Click here to view image

      I appreciate your reply so much, I am going to Google the poem now. Thank you x

    • sue99534
      sue99534 carrieeee

      Posted

      Then you deserve someone nicer. If the relationship does finish...don't rush straight into another one, please Take some time to get your head together, learn to like your own company and 'be your own best friend'. It may sound cheesy but if you don't love yourself then why should someone else? x
    • carrieeee
      carrieeee sue99534

      Posted

      Thank you so much. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. x
  • sue99534
    sue99534 carrieeee

    Posted

    Any time. I am older than you and have been through similar feelings but got through. I am single now, by choice, have my own lovely little house, my dog, great friends and a good job. I am very content, People think I must be lonely but I am not. I love my independance. And remember, you can be lonelier in a bad relationship than on your own. I'm not saying you will be alone forever, but...don't settle for second best. x
    • carrieeee
      carrieeee sue99534

      Posted

      You're an inspirational person. Your words and advice are absolutely on point.

      Thank you so much x

  • sue99534
    sue99534 carrieeee

    Posted

    Just glad to help someone. There is a lot of good in the world, you just have to find it. Be happy.
  • Greenhouse123
    Greenhouse123 carrieeee

    Posted

    Hi Carie , i thought a man's view maybe good on this one...

    I had the same problem as you in the past and this is because of social media, but i can tell you this if your partner really loves or cares about you then you should both agree and stop social media completely.. I had the same issue when girls used to try it on with me on facebook and a mans temptation is weak, I have now found the right partner and she has cancelled her social media the same as me over 5 months ago and we are going strong and our relationship is much better.

    Stop social media now , all its for is for people nosing into your life's its not about talking with old friends , you can easily pick up the phone for that...

    I hope this helps 

    Regards 

    Adam

  • tony15730
    tony15730 carrieeee

    Posted

    I would say you need councilling more than drugs. Ask your gp as its free on the nhs. Alternatively you can go private for fees starting from around £35. Look on the mbacp site for registered councillors. Also look for one that does psychotherapy as they have better training to deal with the more difficult issues.
  • sue99534
    sue99534 carrieeee

    Posted

    The problem with counseling on the NHS is that it is not 'timely', ie it can take months to come through. If you can afford it private would be must faster, and probably better. Nearly all NHS counselling is CBT (COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL THERAPY) which is more of the what to pratically do to pull yourself together type, whereas I think you would benefit from in-depth therapy.
  • michelle37544
    michelle37544 carrieeee

    Posted

    I no how you feel I'm exactly the same And I no if I don't stop it I will lose my husband but I can't help it I try so hard but the thoughts and feelings come back to haunt me
    • carrieeee
      carrieeee michelle37544

      Posted

      First of all, *hug*. You are most definitely not alone. Please, for the sake of your marriage, delete all social media. Both you and your husband. It's too late for me and my now ex-bf, it's not too late for you.

      You'll be okay. I promise you. Chin up xox

  • ray39533
    ray39533 carrieeee

    Posted

    Hi

    I know this is an old post

    I am going through the exact same thing as you were.

    Did you get help??

    If so what help did you receive and has it worked.

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