Advice EX GF with anxiety and my anxiety
Posted , 3 users are following.
I have posted a few times not knowing what to do. And things keep changing. About a month ago my ex broke up with me saying she couldn't feel love for me. Work stress and relationship stress just made her stop feeling. She said she cares about me and wants to be friends. We work with each other but don't need to have any face to face contact and really nothing more than a few emails a week is all the communication that is required. For a week we really didn't talk and tried to keep things only work related. It didn't stay that way though. Neither one of us kept radio silence and after 3-4 days if we hadn't talked one of us would contact the other to check in via text then last week we had a work discussion going via text and I had to ge in the car so we turned into a phone call. We went from talking about work to talking about everything like we used to when we were together. We talked for two hours that night. Then after we text and she said it felt more like it used to. (When we broke up she said talking to me caused her anxiety because I reminded her of work- and at that time she was near the point of quitting$ Since then we actually talk more( not text) we both admit we miss each other. She has started going to therapy she has told me. This week we talked on the phone at least an hour every night about everything. And she tells me that she is going to visit family and that she could detour and have dinner (she lives 3 hours from me and her family is about an hour from me) she said "if we are going to be friends we should act like it" referring to spending time together. She said she doesn't want me to think that she wants more then friendship. But then her mom contacts me and she went to her moms last weekend and her mom (for what ever reason has loved me from even before she and I dated and wanted us to daate from the first time we met- my ex and I were close for months before dating and I met her mom then) and says to not give up on her. She doesn't know what will happen but she went through her mom's phone and stopped on the pictures of her and I and told one her mom's friends that I am a wonderful person and that she doesn't want to lose me but that she got scared of how fast our relationship was moving.
I just don't know how to react or what to think intent is or isn't. She says one things and does others. My anxiety is just now getting back under control since the blindsided break up. Another factor is that two weeks after the breakup I was in her city for work and everyone went out drinking. I ended up stopping drinking and being the DD for everyone. When I dropped her off she got sick. I helped her to bed and she grabbed me and told not to leave her. She pulled me close and just held me until she fell asleep. No sex or kissing happened. The next day sober she says she still can't fell anything.
So if you have read all of that : I guess I would like advice about what to think or expect. When my anxiety hits I pull people closer( not always a good thing) but the point is I don't understand her reaction.i do love her and there isn't any question that she loved me at one point. I would give it another go and try but I am confused on what is going on. Any help would be great thank you!
1 like, 20 replies
Theatreofthemnd b36593
Posted
Hello,
I'm sorry you suffer from anxiety. Anxiety really sucks. I have it too and it can really cripple you and take you to a really awful place physically and mentally. I completely sympathise with you on that one.
In regards to your situation, I'm going to be honest with you and give you what I believe is goin on as an outsider and going by what you've mentioned.
I do believe that this girl does have love for you in a way that she cares for you and you being someone she used to have intimate relations with. But right now, it really sounds like she is going through some changes in life, like growing up and trying to find herself and navigate through life. This can be quite scary so having you around is not only familiar and comfortable but almost like a security blanket. You make her feel safe because you aren't a part of all the scary and unknown changes that are going on around her. I really don't think she even knows what she wants right now but a relationship is something she won't be able to commit to and remain happy and focused with everything going on the way it is. It's just where she's at in life right now. She needs to be single by the sounds of it but she is struggling and that's understandable because we are only human. We have feelings and emotions and connections to things and people.
I don't know the either of you so really this is just a gut feeling from what you have said yourself. And as a female myself, I can kind of relate I guess. I can recognise particular behaviours because I either did them myself or experienced similar things.
You should really just try and focus on yourself. As hard as that may be. I know what it's like to have love and lost but it's sadly, the bitter sweet part of life. You will learn and grow from this experience I promise you that! Build up some safe and healthy boundaries between the two of you if you want to remain friends and in each other's lives. But I think this will only complicate things and make them harder.
No one can really tell you what to do or what to feel. Follow your instincts but remember you always come first. You cannot make anyone happy if we aren't truly happy and fulfilled inside.
Good luck my friend.
Keep in touch 😊
helen20833 b36593
Posted
She doesn't appear to know herself what she wants.
Reading your post you mentioned you pull people close and recognize that this is not a good thing
It isn't. By doing this you are confusing her more
Giving her space, will give her time to sort things out. Whatever you do don't try to force the issue, over talk it
Hard as it is you need to take a step backwards. And whilst I hate to say this, I feel you are too readily available where she is concerned and she know it. I don't say this is done on purpose by her. Probably not. But she does appear to have you on a length of string. There when she wants you
Putting your own life on hold, so to speak, is unfair on you. Putting a little distance between you will create clarity
It is hard when we love someone to let them go
However, your feelings must be taken into consideration too
b36593 helen20833
Posted
Thank you to both of the responders. It is a situation that is difficult because she told me this would happen early on when we started dating and to not give up on her when it did. And that her ex just gave up on her. But she said that she doesn't want me to try when she ended it. It's hard to know which request to honor. Especially, when I care for her and want to support her through this. I'm not stopping my life I went on a date this week almost to confirm to myself that I wanted my ex and just thought about my ex. And that really isn't fair to another person. I just have trouble trusting my instincts.
helen20833 b36593
Posted
Well from the outside looking in, and forgive me for my bluntness, she uses you
Her ex gave up on her?
I'm not surprised if she dangled him about like that
The same as she dangles you about
Please believe me when I say I am not trying to hurt you. But there is a measure of selfishness in her actions. It's all ME ME ME
What about you?
You are obviously a kind, caring, loving person
Direct those feelings your way not hers
Do what makes you happy!!
Were that me?
I would walk away from her
Good luck!!!
b36593 helen20833
Posted
I don't think she dangled the ex. She was explaining that it has happened before and was asking to help her to not have it happen again.
I understand walking away if I thought this was just a manipulation for manipulation sake. But if these behaviors: narcissism and pushing away and anhadonia are part of the illness of anxiety/depression. Should I try to help her through?
I am not trying to be contrary just trying to look at all angles. I appreciate all the comments
helen20833 b36593
Posted
At the end of the day you must do what is best for you
I know you are not being contrary. You just asked for different perspectives. This does not mean anyone who responds is right or wrong, it is merely how they view it
What do you want from this relationship?
Are you hoping deep down for it to resume?
Are you prepared to wait for that to happen and if so, how long?
You can still be supportive. Perhaps the best way forward is to be certain where you both stand in this situation?
You say she just wants to be friends?
Then be her friend
Meet once a fortnight, say, for a meal, and don't talk about your "relationship" Just have a nice pleasant evening
Restrict emails to once a week
A phone call once a week
By setting guidelines you are, in essence, "there " for her. Tjis way you are still in her life but she won't feel pressured into making a decision where you are concerned, nor will she fear "losing " you
But that's only a suggestion
You naturally must do what is best for you..and for her
b36593 helen20833
Posted
I would be happy if the relationship were to resume, but know it won't at this moment. Because of the work situation it is hard to not have contact. But telling her to not contact me would I feel be rude an say / imply I am not there for her as opposed to fading back if I could not have contact with her. I have very much for myself into this situation with dating someone I work with, but can't change the past. I will wait forever r as long as I can. I don't want to get bitter or angry toward her and worry I might after a while.
helen20833 b36593
Posted
You answered your own initial question.
I think your mind is made up
I wish you all the very best, I truly do
Helen
b36593 helen20833
Posted
helen20833 b36593
Posted
I'm not sure what it is you're asking
b36593 helen20833
Posted
I guess I am asking what you might speculate her intent would be. Is she trying to take a first step toward being something more again. she doesn't have to have dinner but she suggested and she is driving out of the way to do it.
helen20833 b36593
Posted
Only she can know that
You need to clarify things for one and for all, for both of your sakes because at the moment you are both in a rut. Both scared of making a decision
You'll get nowhere waffling
Dinner, yes, that's nice. Were I you I'd have a serious talk together. Yes, you can stay friends, or you can re-uinte.
You would not care for my opinion upon her indecision
You must do what you think is best. No one can advise you. The buck stops with you. You know yourself, you know her. We on the Forum do not
We can only relate to it through your words
Added to which, this is a relationship issue and belongs on a different Forum
Here we primarily deal with Anxiety/Panic Disorder and come together to help fellow sufferers
I appreciate that AD/PD affects relationships but relationships are complicated issues and difffer dependant upon those involved
But I do wish you all the best
b36593 helen20833
Posted
helen20833 b36593
Posted
I know you are hurting and I feel sad for you.
But take care of yourself in all this...promise? You matter too, you know!
Helen
b36593 helen20833
Posted
Thank you. I am trying my best. The not knowing is what bring up my symptoms. I suppose why I asked here especially because she labeled her anxiety is why it wasn't working.
Thank you so much for the support and guidance
helen20833 b36593
Posted
One of the worst things about AD is the sense of loss of control..or the fear we have lost control when the sympoms attacks us
I'm not surprised your anxiety escalates. It sounds easy for me to say, As you say, the not knowing, is again beyond your control
The things with AD is we need all our ducks in a row. A sense of order because chaos, disorganization and messy private lives, all pile the stress upon us until we are literally groaning under the weight
It might sound odd but I have found, but having a clean, uncluttered orderly home, with a place for everything and everything in its place is calming and peaceful.
It's much the same with our mental state
Uncluttered mind. Calm mind
Worries and anxieties entrench AD and ignite symptoms
If you feel well balanced, calm, then you can deal with your relationship without it stressing you out, and more important, logically. Thoughts/worries running round and round in the head cloud judgement
That's why I said you are important too. More so perhaps than her. You are the stronger of the two