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Advice from H-2 suffers - Do I tell my boyfriend? Worried young guys won't understand

Posted , 6 users are following.

dent
dent

Posting on blogs is slightly uncomfortable and new to me and I suppose I don't really know where to start so apologies if I sound less illiterate than others but I'm having an incredibly low day and would appreciate someone who understands to give me some support. 

When my parents had a really bad break up - like "I cheated on you with men and women" bad - I went off travelling and from going to quite a careful teenager I had a fairly promiscuous phase. I suppose in that sense I deserved being diagnosed with Herpes. I was diagnosed after having unprotected sex with a stranger. A year and a half later I've had a few different boyfriends whom I've all been sexually active with. I take medication and have always used protection and have never told them. Mainly due to the fact all my ex boyfriends haven't seemed legit enough to expose my deepest, darkest secret to.

However now, I've met someone who I am serious with. Probably the first person I've really felt comfortable with. We have been together for 3 months and I was friends with him for months before that at University, as we lived together in halls. We have been sexually active the whole time but now I'm actually starting to panic - I've left it so late to tell him and I'm scared he's going to flip. I know I've probably been incredibly selfish thus far but being only just 20 years old with guys who are still maturing and in the whole 'lad phase' of gossiping and comparing girls 'in the sack' I'm so scared that if I trust someone with it that they could spread it around University. I know it's selfish but as a young female that would really harm my confidence.

A lot of people on here have been married and had lots of relationships but I'm a fresher at university with limited experience and I'm terrified that he won't understand but even more that he would tell everybody. So I suppose I'm really asking do I tell him? and if so how the hell do you tell someone for the first time who is 19 years old and seems to only care about showing off to their fellow jocks.

Any advice would be amazing - I feel so in two minds about telling him and what that means for me if he tells everyone. I know it's s elfish but I'm terrified

0 likes, 10 replies

10 Replies

  • d91907
    d91907 dent

    Posted

    Hi! Im kinda in the same boat. I have a guy im seeing...we have been friends for months and have even messed around a few times. We have never had unprotected sex and i was diagnosed recently...but i got it from a guy i was having unprotected sex with...i want to tell him so bad but im scared he will reject me...but it's the right thing to do. We are getting serious and if he truly cares for me then he will accept it. If not then he isn't the one. I think its important to tell them because there is always a risk if giving it to them.
    • dent
      dent d91907

      Posted

      It's good to know I'm not the only one in the same boat. I agree - we need to tell them. I suppose I would've appreciated somebody telling me. It's just my first proper relationship and I'm so scared that I will lose him over something as unfair as a disease. 

      Have you thought about what you are going to do? 

    • d91907
      d91907 dent

      Posted

      Yes i have...im going to tell him. He deserves to know and yes we deserved to know as well. The guy that gave it to me refuses to acknowledge he gave it to me or go get tested. It is either going to make us stronger or tear us apart but i would rather him know the risk than be stuck with the consequences unwillingly
    • dent
      dent d91907

      Posted

      I'm going to tell my boyfriend when I next see him in two weeks too. It's so difficult to know how to even start the conversation but keep me informed on how yours goes. when will you tell him? 

      It's nice to know we are both going through the same thing at the same time

  • Guest
    Guest dent

    Posted

    I know its hard to tell someone you care about but its extremely unfair to them to not let them know what the possible repercussions are. I didnt know I had HSV2 until I had my first breakout. By my guess I had had it for a few years before I showed any sypmtoms. I had to tell my boyfriend that he needed to get tested because I had probably infected him unknowingly. I got lucky and he was extremely understanding and we did some reading and research and we got through the rough patch togther. We are still together and now getting married. Telling someone doesnt necessairly mean the end of a relationship, if you truly care about each other you can and will get through it and if you trust him enough to be in a relationship with him hopefully you can trust him not to blab your secret. 

    Dont wait any longer to tell him, waiting is only going to make it worse because you will be dreading bringing it up and will start not wanting to spend time around him because you dont want the confronation. There is a chance he hasnt gotten it from you yet, confrontations totally suck I know but he needs to be given the choice. 

    Before you talk to him, do some research, find out what could change for him if he does have it. I know you can still give blood, as a woman you can still have children, I dont know how much life for him will really change but if you can tell him it could make things go smoother.

    I hope this helps with your decision, please private message me if you need some support getting through this. I would be more than happy to help all I can

    • dent
      dent Guest

      Posted

      This is extremely helpful. I have made the decision to tell him and I will just have to hope that he is understanding. I suppose now I just have to think of the best way to tell him. 

      Being away from University it means we are doing it long distance so I won't see him for another 2 weeks. Do you think it's best to do face to face? I don't want him to get to mine and feel trapped for the weekend because he can't go home. Part of me wonders whether I send him my blog and let him read it but I also know that most people have stated it needs to be done face to face.

      How did you do it? Was it emotional or just kept factual and short?

      I appreciate your offer to message you so much as I may need to take you up on it around the time of telling him. Thank you

    • Guest
      Guest dent

      Posted

      Every situation is different. I would say face to face is better but like you said he may feel trapped if he is at your place and cant leave. I was a bit emotional when I told my bf, I had just gotten back from the doctors where I had heard the horrible words saying yep its herpes for sure. He took it quite calmly and when I said he needed to get checked he said "its ok I plan on being with you forever so it doesnt matter if I have it now" (it may sound sappy in writing but it was the most amazing thing I have ever heard biggrin 

      If you can be factual about it I would guess it would go over better than if you went in crying or way amped up emotionally. Guys seem to react better to hard facts rather than the super emotional. 

      After you tell him yourself maybe then send him your blog link or some links to help him understand what herpes really is. To most people its just a horrible word that no one talks about. I know in the USA, about 1in 5 people have HSV2. 

      Good luck and message if you need to smile

      Emis Moderator comment: I have removed the link(s) directing to site(s) unsuitable for inclusion in the forums. If users want this information please use the Private Message service to request the details.

      http://patient.uservoice.com/knowledgebase/articles/398316-adding-links-to-posts

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  • katesingleton20
    katesingleton20 dent

    Posted

    Well, first off...you ARE being selfish by sleeping with the guy, and putting him at risk for infection. At least give him the option of being ok with that possibility.

    Secondly, if he's so immature that you are worried about him showing off to his jock friends, or if you are afraid he's going to go around telling everyone that you have herpes once he knows...are you so sure you really want to be with him?

    Thirdly, you may want to check out this website (which has nothing to buy) that has a lot of info about herpes and other STDs and the stuff you should be careful about.

    Anyway, good luck in your situation. I hope things definitely get better for you.

    Emis Moderator comment: I have removed the link as there are lots of relevant resources linked in the right sidebar of this page. If users want the link provided please use the Private Message service to request the details.

    http://patient.uservoice.com/knowledgebase/articles/398331-private-messages

  • r35506
    r35506 dent

    Posted

    Hi

    You don't need people having a go on you on this thread so please ignore those negative comments. This is a place to air thoughts and feelings and discuss what we are going through.

    On the flip side - I caught it off my new partner. We were both head over heels and very much in love. I caught it and was soooooo ill. He didn't know he had it. It was a pretty negative time for a few months but we worked through it fine and we are still incredibly in love. So it can work. If he had known he had it then I caught it and he didn't tell me, of course I would be angry. I would be fuming !!!! But of course I would still love him too.

    So firstly. There is that.

    Secondly, it's true you really should tell him. How you tell him is up to you. The word herpes carries a lot of stigma. maybe changing the word to 'cold sores' would make it seem less than it really is. Because to be honest. Herpes isn't that bad. It is an absolute pain in the a** when you have it, but the rest of the time it's no biggie. Most people have type 1 something like 20% of people have type 2. (I'm one of the lucky people with just type 2 yay...) In about 30 years probably the whole young population of the world will have it and finally the stigma will be dropped.

    Tell him you have the cold sore virus. It can be transmitted mouth to genital or vice versa. Then it's up to him really. Hopefully he won't react negatively and you will find happiness together. There is a pretty strong chance he might have type 1 or type 2 too ! You never know !

    Also, never feel bad for being young free and promiscuous. You are your own person in charge of your own body. Don't even let anyone make you feel bad for doing what you want. These comments reflect a bygone age where women were oppressed and expected to be stay at home housewives while their husbands went out, drank whisky, made the money and slept with their secretaries. These comments are not accurate of any of the stuff we do today

    Live your life to the full and let the negative comments slip by you.

  • scorpio32
    scorpio32 dent

    Posted

    Hi brogan,

    Did you tell him? I think you should of told him before having sex. Then you leave that decision up to you.

    I had recently decided to go on a date with someone which we had a nice evening. But I saw him again I had to tell him and I even cried and its was clear his reaction sex will never happen. He took me home but he appreciated that I told him. The next morning felt like better. Weather we will just be good friends only time will tell.Infact if he never contacts it's not end of world.

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