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Advice needed

Im yet to be diagnosed but i could have cfs. Im here for a bit of moral support to be honest. Had extreme attack yesterday to the point where i had to suck water from a flanel to be able to drink as i had zero energy and felt so sick thought i was going to die. Ive recently had a baby and im terrified of losing her. My husband has no emotion and to be honest i really feel he doesnt care or love me. He is great with our daughter but im going through mental torture. I want to be separated from him but im so worried about how i will take care of my baby. He is looking after her now and i dont even want to ask him to bring me a water as he is so cold and i know he doesnt want to do it. Im hurting so much inside, im defenseless, trapped, alone and suffering and the only thing i have left is my dayghter which im worried he will try to take her from me and say im too sick to take care of her. Ive asked him to leave as he is making me worse but he just tells me to call the police to remove him as he is not going anywhere. The attack was so bad i cant even talk, my voice has gone, eyes swelled. My family and friends arnt picking their phones, think theyve had enough of me and they just want to get on with their own lives and im too much trouble. I really dont know what to do. I just want to be with my daughter and be able to take care of her. What should i do?

8 Replies

  • angelface029242

    Do you think you could have an after birth depression?

    • Solsikke

      Hi Solsikke,

      Baby is 10 weeks tomorrow. I am depressed but it is because I feel so trapped and I want to leave with my daughter and get better. Doctors are not understanding how sick i get and this has been going on for over 4 years to the point now where im having attacks that leave me totally debilitated. I just want to know what it is so i can look after my baby 100%. I want to walk down the street with her in a pram or take her to the baby classes. I attempted going out to baby classes over the last two weeks and ive ended up like this. My husband is so cold and shows zero affection, he made his dinner and ate it during an attack - mum was taking care of me whilst he went to eat. I even think he is planning to leave with my daughter , he speaks French so i cant understand whats going on. I just hear visa and our daughter's name. I really dont know what i can do. I need energy to leave when he is out but i have nowhere to go.

  • angelface029242

    I was so sorry to read your post and I feel helpless as to what to advise.   I’m glad you have your mum to help a little?   Can you lean on her a little while you are going through this?   You need more support.  Can you get medical help through your GP?   Can you speak to a Samaritan on the phone.  There are several excellent CFS/ME websites which you could use for support.  I’ve seen the forums and they are really positive and sensible.    I probably can’t give the names here - you’re not allowed to.  It sounds as if your relationship has been affected by your illness.  Do remember that your husband will also be feeling panicked, scared and helpless too.   His behaviour may be a reflection of this.  A new baby is demanding and he is taking care of her which is a good thing.    Try to get as much rest as possible when you are going through the worst of the illness.    It won’t always be like this.  Once you get diagnosed you will be able to begin to manage this awful illness and get constructive advice.  Keep reading about it and learning what you can do - even little things to make your life that bit easier and Good Luck. x 

    • sue81694

      Hi Sue,

      Thank you for your post. Unfortunately my mum is an alcoholic and struggles to stay sober for two days. My dad is a paranoid schizophrenic, my brothers don't really stay in contact, my sister has recently recovered from cancer and has nerve damage and many problems, and my only friend i have left has fibromyalgia and struggles with her own problems. Maybe my mum seeing me how i go when i have a bad attack might make her realise just how much i need her. I can't just leave with nowhere to go, no support and when im sick. I will have to just be strong and get well and when i feel better i can take action. I want my husband to be a part of my daughter's life and would never take her away and not let him see her. I am terrified that he is planning to take her though. He is starting to get fed up with not being able to go to the gym when he wants or football when im sick. I just feel like im destroyed inside and i take responsibility for my actions and know its my fault and i feel guilt for putting him in this situation with a wife who cant do anything and stops him from enjoying his life. I used to be the most independent person i know, travelling the world alone, never asked anyone for anything and tried to help people along the way. I can't even explain how it feels to ask for help and not even able to walk around the house when i used to win figure competitions and exercise everyday. I know im having my own pity party to which im the only attendee, and im sorry for my rant when others are clearly going through much worse. I just felt so trapped and scared. I love my daughter so much and i will find a way to get better for her x

  • angelface029242

    Hi Angelface,

    A diagnosis would help it sounds. You seem to have so much going on around you and that will cause extra stress on you. Your body is possibly still recovering from giving birth and the extra demands of being a mum. Hopefully your current situation will settle a little when your body does. I had all my children pre cfs/me so can only imagine how you are feeling. Try to speak to a midwife when they call to check how you are. Tell them you believe you have cfs/me and see what support they can offer.

    In regards your husband's lack of understanding, it is very common for people around us to not understand and be a little mean spirited some times. I know it's hard when people are like this but tell him how grateful you are for his help (even if it makes you feel uncomfortable) this will hopefully make him less worrying as his behaviour will change. I'm not saying that will be easy. Just until you have a little extra strength.

    Hope that helps


  • angelface029242

    Boy you are going through a lot. It's so stressful having a child when you're healthy let alone dealing with this on top of being ill. Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress. Men like to fix things and when they can't it comes out sideways. I did men's groups when I was working. My feeling in regards to committed relationship is that you are to have each other's backs. My husband and I have been through so much however we have never blamed one another when life is hard. We look for answers together. I come from a narcissist family no one gives a s**t about anyone but themselves. They are horrible people. You have to demand help. You have to be your own advocate. You have to demand answers from the medical community. It's all trail and error. It doesn't sound like you have any family support. You will have to find it elsewhere. Right now you should just hold and feed that baby. Your baby needs your touch and love right now. I'm sorry your partner is being a dick. Try not to react to his response. Put what energy you have right now into you and that baby. You need to recover first from this birth. Can you hire someone to come in and clean and cook somewhat?? I know your overwhelmed. Shorten your worry list. Don't deal with his bullsh*t immature reactions not now. Keep reaching out.

    • lisa00385

      Hi Lisa,

      Thank you for your reply. I find it very interesting that you used the term narcisist as I believe that is what my husband is! I looked up the definition after many incidents of selfish behaviours and the fact that he is unable to show empathy, oh and that he is a pathalogical liar. Im so insecure, weak and vulnerable that I have allowed him to make me doubt myself and he tries to convince me that the problem is me. Like you said, I will concentrate on my gorgeous girl and i'm trying to get support from outside agencies so that i can get my independence back and build my strength up so that i can give my baby the best life possible. I am getting referred for another brain scan as my symptoms are getting severe to the point where i think im going to have a seisure. I am so over how cold and unloving he is, but it still hurts how another human being can be so insensitive, unloving and zero empathy to someone who is in so much pain and suffering. I am only on 140 smp per week and im not entitled to benefits and i have been refused PIP so i have no money to pay for a nanny type person to help with the baby and housework. Hopefully i will win the tribunal but i know im not well enough to attend so i will try to get help from cab. At least he is great with our little girl (as long as he has got to go to the gym and football). I will get through this and if ever i doubt that, i will look into my baby's eyes and see her smiling face looking back at me. Thank you for your advice and support. X

    • angelface029242

      Ya sweetie you can't fix that kind of narcissist behavior. He would have to be self aware of his effects on you in order to change and that is very unlikely to happen. Don't let him steal your serenity. Your baby will teach you to be a better person. It's amazing what strength we can draw from ourselves when we have that little darling in our arms. Always trust your instincts they are always right. I've been through so much I blow my friends away. I'm still here. I use my anger to motivate myself. It's not always a bad thing. Please if you get short on courage let me know I have alot to spare. I'm thinking of you. Some days our best just has to be good enough don't ya think.

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