Advice needed regarding antibiotics not given by hospital

  Just a quick post to let you know I came to my daughters yesterday. As she wasn't leaving to go on her holiday until today I had to sleep?! on the settee last night. But sleep was not something the cats allowed me as 2 of them started crying continually, shortly after I dozed off! A third then decided to let me know just how upset they were about being taken from their home although her cries weren't continual. 

  My daughters house is all open plan downstairs so I couldn't stop them going upstairs and I was worried their crying would disturb my daughter and grandkids so I was up and down the stairs bringing them down where I did my best to placate them. By the time they eventually stopped crying it was 7.30am and I could hear the kids were awake but I was so tired I couldn't stay awake. Thankfully my daughter had told them not to come down n wake me (she knows I'm a late riser as I've always been a night owl). 

  My daughter took me to Tesco to show me where it is (less than a ten minute walk) in case I need anything in the next ten days then she went off on her holiday with her friend and I played games with the two youngest until their dad came to take them to his house (they're recently divorced). The cats are much happier now the kids have gone and the crying has stopped. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my daughters bed tonight n pray they don't start crying again. 

  Don asked me several times to leave him my daughters landline number but I forgot and today I decided not to ring him to tell him as this is supposed to be a complete break for me, it's long over due and he is his sons responsibility for the next 9 days, not mine. Even so I can't help worrying and I'm still not sure if it was the right thing to do? 

  If his brain was working properly he'd realize not only is my daughters number in my book in the drawer but also that he has my mobile number. But I know he won't think of either! 

  His sons both know my mobile number though so if need be they could ring me. 

  Many concerns keep going through my mind, I know he sometimes leaves the fridge and the freezer doors open, if he sets the smoke alarm off he's unlikely to realize what the noise is, if he forgets to do up his catheter switch he won't notice, he has a special plastic mat near his chair and I've found him with a big puddle at his feet, soaked trousers n slipper but he's oblivious. Without me there to notice he will trail urine right through the house and into his bed! 

  One night he put his dinner in the oven, forgot about it n went to bed. I was upstairs but luckily I came down and found the charred mess hours later. So I'm obviously worried he'll do that again. Plus he smokes and his old blankets had more burn holes than blanket as he is so careless. 

  I don't know how often his sons will visit but I can only hope they spend time with him as they will then know he has got dementia. I have no idea how much they will do for him but I'm hoping they won't do too much as that would defeat the object. They will see the build up of washing up for one, they may load and set off the dishwasher which I know Don won't do. They might ask him if he needs any washing doing, I know there was 3 pairs of urine soaked pajama bottoms in the wash basket but I wasn't going to wash just those as our washer is an 8kg wash load. His pajama bottoms are worse than socks as they keep mysteriously disappearing and there was only one clean pair in the cupboard. This won't be a problem if his catheter doesn't leak or he doesn't get diarrhoea as I know those are the only times he changes them and then they would have to be really soaking wet before he'd notice otherwise the warmth from his body would dry them without him even realizing! 

  But I have to stop thinking about him and enjoy my break. I wish I'd brought my radio as I have it on all the time at home and I don't think my daughter has one. I don't like the tv, haven't watched it for years as I spend all my time on my iPad but it's too quiet here now the kids have gone and the cats have stopped crying! I'll check out one of the kids tablets tomorrow as I'll be able to get local radio on there. 

  Looking forward to my second smoke free night, hopefully without any crying, the cats seem more settled now. 

If you don't detach yourself then you may as well not be there. This brief period will all soon be over and the cold dawn of reality will raise it's dreary vapid greyness, blanket like, over the fresh spring. Time to be strong again. Strong enough to make some choices and hopefully, kick some ass!

Sorry for the drama , but the life you describe is rarther horrid . The sort of life that should be tackled by a team of qualified staff with special equipment. But it's obviously cheaper, much cheaper to let some else do the work and worry!

I do hope your Don is not suffering, but a period of reflection would surely be a good thing for all concerned.

Enjoy the change . Sorry there is nothing I can do.    E

  Please don't be sorry that there is nothing you can do as there is and you're already doing it, you're giving me so much support as is Lynne, showing me I'm not alone and that means so much to me. I now post on two dementia forums and their support helps too but because we've been posting here for so long I feel as if I know you two, you both know our history long before I realized Don has dementia and it's like we're old friends. 

  I probably sounded disconnected in my last post as I'd had next to no sleep the first night here. I slept much better last night in my daughters bed now she's away on holiday and was only woken once by one of the cats crying. They are gradually getting used to being here, I let 5 of them go in the garden today but stayed with them in case they climbed the fence. The 6th one is spending all the time upstairs, my cats are ragdolls that all get on together but she is a tabby moggie I found starving (she weighed just 3 n a half lbs, is treble that now!) a few years ago, I fed her and she invited herself to live with me but she doesn't mix with the ragdolls and they don't like her! 

  You're right that I need to detach myself and enjoy my time here but I've lived with Don for 12 years and it's hard not to worry about him. But I haven't let him know my daughters phone number and don't intend to. My phone phobia for once is helping instead of hindering! I much prefer texting but I've even avoided texting his sons - so far anyway! Probably as they may not have even visited Don yet, if they haven't it's best I don't know that as it will make me angry! They need to wake up to the fact Don is their responsibility and stop shirking it and hopefully they will see for themselves the true picture and know just what I've had to cope with. I get the feeling they maybe think I'd been exaggerating in the texts I used to send, pleading with them to help me, otherwise they wouldn't have refused and ignored me! I gave up texting his sons and his daughter in law as they stopped replying,I had asked Andrew (the son who doesn't live close by) if we could all meet up to discuss the situation, he replied to that one saying he wasn't available until April so when April arrived I sent another asking for the date of the meeting. He didn't reply! In another I'd asked for his email address so I could forward the email to him that had finally got Adult Social Cares attention as I thought it might help him understand the situation. He didn't reply! 

  I just checked my phone, Andrew has only ever sent me one text and in it he agrees that Don has dementia - damn I wish I'd remembered he'd said that and shown it to Chris, Helen and Christopher when they said he has depression not dementia! Oh well not to worry as they will realize soon enough. 

  I'm really missing my local radio station as my daughter doesn't have a radio, only an iPod. I decided to try getting it on my granddaughters tablet but it was dead so I had to charge it. I then found I'd lost my wifi on my iPad, my daughter couldn't help as she's on a plane to Cuba so texted my granddaughter but she couldn't help either. I then found I'd unplugged the router when I'd charged her tablet! Phew, glad I solved that one as I'm lost without my iPad! 

  Take care 

Kaydi. 

I installed a radio app on my iPad that stays on when I'm doing other things on the iPad, it's good to have my familiar station back although it did go off when I played my favorite game. My daughter lives about ten miles from my house so I had no problem getting the station I have on at home. 

  Going to a day centre like your friends husband does sounds an excellent idea, I will look into whether there is one near us as if Don can be persuaded to go a couple of times a week it would make a world of difference to me and maybe Don would enjoy it too. And if his sons have woken up to the situation and agree to help I'll ask Christopher if he will fetch Don to shower at his house, even a couple of times a week would help make him smell and feel better. Until I went on the dementia forums I didn't realize almost all dementia patients are against showering/bathing, I read of one woman who wouldn't shower and the closest she got to having one in the last 3 years of her life was when her daughter pushed her in it fully clothed! Makes Don's 2 months without sound insignificant but it's not as he's got a permanent catheter which should be kept clean and he frequently forgets to do up the switch and the smell of stale urine is hard to bear. 

  I don't understand how come he's not had more UTIs, he had a permanent one from August (the carers stopped coming to wash him in August which I feel was not coincidence as although he could then climb the stairs to shower he rarely did!) until October when the antibiotics he had for the septicemia also cured the UTI. He's had only one more since then. He should change the catheter bag weekly but he goes weeks without changing them and doesn't understand the importance of washing his hands first. I'd get a bag ready for him but he always put off changing it, one bag was kicking about the room for days and then I found it on the toilet floor with the cap off. I told him he couldn't use it, that they need to be sterile before being attached but he thought I just being fussy! I threw it away. 

  I also don't understand why no one cares he hasn't used his glaucoma eye drops for months. The drops keep the pressure down, he's already registered visually impaired which the glaucoma caused and without the drops he will eventually go blind but when I told him this he said he will be dead before he goes blind! He also hasn't had any hospital appointments for his eyes for about 9 months which I don't understand. He's also had no follow up hospital appointments since his stoma reversal operation last July, this does not make sense to me as they don't do such a major operation that involved stitching the bowel back together on an 81 year old and then not keep a check on him! But this is exactly what's happened. He used a commode at first but as soon as he was strong enough to lift himself off the toilet I noticed every bowel movement is the same as they were before the bowel obstruction, very frequent, greasy and they all float which I know is abnormal. He complains daily of his stomach being upset, I often hear it bubbling. But nobody cares! 

  Nor does anyone care that he won't be medicated while I'm here. He should take Omeprazole for his stomach and another pill for his under active thyroid. 

  And he had a cataract pre op in November but has never had an appointment to remove the cataract. A GP told us he'd book the chest X-ray after I showed him Don's last discharge letter that asked for one as he had pneumonia in hospital but he has never had this nor did he ever have the flu jab the district nurse never came to give! 

  Has everyone given up on Don? It certainly seems that way and I refuse to continue the fight to get him all of this medical treatment as nobody will listen to me. Then there's the need to get his dementia diagnosed, the last GP I spoke to about it said it would help if he had a diagnosis and she was right as then Chris and Helen wouldn't have said he has depression, not dementia. Once that GP realized I wasn't able to get him to go to the surgery she did ask her secretary to ring Don to ask him to agree to seeing the doctor but he refused point blank! No one can force him so how on earth can the dementia ever be diagnosed? 

  Chris and Helen told me a GP cannot diagnose dementia, this really confused me as the GP had specifically told me to let her know in advance if I managed to get him to go to the surgery as she would then have all the tests ready including a blood test. I saw her last Wednesday and told her what they'd said and she said GPs can do memory and blood tests which may or may not confirm the diagnosis and if not then he would have to see a specialist. I also read this on the net so either Chris and Helen don't know what they're talking about or they were lying! 

  Anyway I'm now going to put all this out of my mind as although I needed to think about it to know exactly what I want sorting so it's off my shoulders and is not gonna continue weighing me down when I return I am not going to dwell on it as I'm here for a break. 

  In between writing this I took 4 of the cats into the garden as they're bored. First one jumped over the fence n I panicked as I hadn't got my shoes on but after I'd run in to put them on I found the back gate is padlocked! The cat did come back when I called him but then another copied him and he didn't come back when called. I grabbed every key in the house n thankfully found the key to the padlock but a third cat then ran through the gate as I went to get him! I managed to get them all in the end but I'm now reluctant to allow them in the garden. They have loc8tor tags on their collars which I made sure all have fresh batteries in so I can locate them if they get lost but I'd still hoped they'd be happy to explore the garden without going over the fence. 

   If I thought I was living a nightmare before it was nothing compared to this. My cat failed to come back last night, I was out searching until 2am n I've been out for hours today but not as much as a beep from my loc8tor. I've called n called, checked the roads for blood, nothing. My feet are killing me, I've not even got a coat here n it's freezing. I didn't want to let them out but it's what they're used to (they never strayed far from the house at home) and 2 of them cried continually to go out, clawed my daughters carpet near the door, scratched the doors, windows and walls and then the one that's lost climbed the curtain, has never done that at home and I felt I had no choice but to let them out as I couldn't let them wreck my daughters house. He came back after about half an hour that night and I thought it was safe to let them out again but it wasn't! I'm devastated. 

  The other news is totally unbelievable and it's really messed with my head - I texted Don's daughter in law to ask if Christopher had been round (Chris never answers texts from anyone) but she didn't reply so I texted David, he replied to say neither he or Christopher had been round to check Don. I was gobsmacked! He said Chris (social services Chris) went Tuesday and said he was fine all things considered, whatever that meant! So I filled David in on some of how it's been. At first he replied telling me to stop worrying n enjoy my stay here. I said I'm not here to enjoy it, I'm here to show everyone how bad things had become n told him about the mental and physical abuse I'd received from Don. He then realized how serious things are and he said he and Christopher will go round. 

  Last night he rang my mobile and said he'd been round, Don was fine, the house was tidy apart from a backlog of washing up which he washed, Don didn't smell and they had the best conversation they'd had for ten years, talking for an hour. He said he even checked the toilet and it was clean! Don has not cleaned a toilet in 12 years! 

  What on earth is going on? How could Don have cleaned up his act when he wasn't even aware he was self neglecting? Is it possible Don has realized the reason I'm here is to show everyone just how incapable he is in caring for himself? And that with social services involved he realized he had to prove me wrong? I can't believe that could be possible! But what other explanation is there? 

  I can understand the conversation they had as they were talking about old times, his long term memory is fine but not his short term one. But how come he didn't smell? He certainly did the day I came here! He MUST have at least had a wash but I can't possibly believe he's had a shower as he was so against having them! Cleaned the toilet? Unheard of! Because of the way his bowel movements are I used to have clean it several times a day. The house was clean and tidy? Don is the messiest, clumsiest person I've ever met, drops food on the room carpet at every meal, NEVER cleans up his kitchen messes, because he's visually impaired he can't see half the mess he makes. But even when he could he just left it there! 

  As if all this wasn't enough for me to deal with I then got an email from SS Chris saying that as Don refuses to accept any help senior management have advised him to close Don's case! He said mine is still open and Jacqueline will be in touch. 

  He spent no more than half an hour with Don, said he's got depression, not dementia and has now closed his case. Absolutely unbelievable! 

  I'm too tired and upset to write more tonight but I'll post again soon. 

Kaydi x x 

                   I sorry to hear about the cat situation. In a new environment there is nothing you could have done but provided toys . And used a prepared room to confine them until they became used to the locallity they were confined in . I remember learning, some cats stay with you and some don't.! Usually two weeks it takes for cats to become related to a place ? Or that's what I always found to be the case.

As for the other issue ! Ones a persons bum is up against the wall it is surprising how inventive they can become.

I know a lady whoes husband is totally chair and bed bound. Ste told me she came home from work and whilst she was preparing the evening meal for them , she started to fancy a sandwich so she opened the fridge to find it empty !!! Mystery!...... husband denied all knowledge ; no,..... couldn't even crawl to loo. So she counted the slices of bread carefully , yep no doubt about it. Mysteriously someone was making a sandwich every day and clearing up carefully !! Isn't that strange ? Things that go bump in the night.

But you have to look atter your own self because without you there are other hidden issues that just won't work. Try to put things into parenthesis, it just is and you can book - mark it for thought some other other day , week, month, or year, but we don't have time now.

You have had a hard time too . Be gentle with your self.

                                Regards E x

  Anyway I got my baby back and I'm ecstatic. I did know they shouldn't have been allowed out in a new area (they go out at home and never go far) but they were crying continually and literally climbing the walls and doors to go out, then I caught one climbing the curtain (unheard of before!) and I couldn't let them damage my daughters house so I let them out. We live n learn! I've only let them in the garden when I'm out there since and each time one climbed the fence I told him to get down and amazingly it worked, he jumped straight back in the garden. I also took one out with me several times, Ragdolls follow their owners like dogs so I knew he'd stay with me, they all used to come with me when I walked my dog and probably miss that since my dog died. 

   As for Don I'm devastated my efforts have been in vain. It took an awful lot to bring my cats here but I did it to prove that he needs more care than I can provide, to let everyone know just how badly he was self neglecting and that he HAS got dementia. It seems he cottoned on though, he'd have known it was a difficult thing for me to do with my agoraphobia and obviously guessed I was out to prove he can't look after himself. And with social services being involved he must have known he couldn't continue doing nothing in the house! As for why he no longer smelled, my guess is he had a wash as he was so 100% against showering I can't believe he's actually had one. This is a dementia trait, almost all will do anything to avoid a shower or bath. I read on the net one woman with dementia refused to shower for the last 3 years of her life with the closest she ever got was when her daughter pushed her in fully clothed! 

  I couldn't believe it when Chris and Helen said he has depression, not dementia after spending just half an hour with him. Then in the email from Chris he said he'd been to see Don and he was in high spirits! WTF! Since when do people with depression be in high spirits!? He also said Don was aware I was away and had asked him which daughter I'm staying with. Of course he was aware I'm away, he's not that far gone...yet! But my daughter fetched me and the cats and Don talked to her asking her if she was taking me away from him, adding oh goody! He'd obviously forgotten that. His short term memory is almost non existent. He watched me get ready to go to the centre a couple of weeks ago, asked 4 times if I wanted him to go instead, I kept saying no (his clothes were filthy and he stunk plus the last time he fetched my ADD meds many months ago he lost it n it's a controlled drug), he gave me his credit card to draw money at the ATM and he asked me to get him a bottle of port (I refused as he drinks too much when he's got any, sometimes the whole bottle in a day, at most it'd last him 2 days). When he saw I'd come back he said "I didn't know you'd gone out"! I've watched his mind decline in the last couple of years and know his behavior can only be caused by dementia and I'm furious no one will believe me. I asked David if Andrew had told him he'd noticed the dementia and had agreed with me he has it and David said Andrew said it's a possibility but not a definite! 

  Another example is one day Don came back in the room after going to the toilet and asked me what I was doing up "at this time of the morning". It was 3.45pm! Depression my ar*e! 

 But one day they will realize I'm right as he can only get worse, never better. I hope they apologize to me! Chris from SS won't though as he's closed Don's case. I still can't understand how come these people don't interact? Jacqueline who assessed me picked up on the dementia when he asked at least 5 times if he'd asked her if she wanted a cup of tea. I sent her an email telling her Chris said it's depression not dementia and that his son Christopher had agreed. She wrote back that once his sons spend some time with him they will realize. She didn't mention Chris! 

  But David and Christopher didn't go check him for the first 6 days, I don't think they'd have gone at all if I hadn't texted David and filled him in on the nightmare I've been living. David has spent an hour with him, Christopher failed to go the following night as promised but David texted last night saying Christopher had been last night and found the same as he had. And because I've told him about the mental and physical abuse I've received from Don and that my health is suffering he's against me going back home. I've already realized I need to find somewhere else to live as if I stay nothing will have changed. I'll still be left with sole responsibility of Don's health and care although I've already decided when I go back I'm not going to be looking after him. If he can look after himself (although I've still yet to believe he has been doing, would have to see it with my own eyes) then he can get on with it. He's had no medication while I've been here and I'm not going to start medicating him again, he says he doesn't want or need them so let's see where that gets him! 

  The best thing I can do is live under the same roof but completely seperatly. I've had no heartburn since being here, I had none when he was in hospital either so his smoking has to be the reason I've suffered it for weeks at a time. But he refuses to stop smoking in the house. I have no choice but to leave.

  I'm now home and either Chris and Don's sons need a trip to spec savers or they lied! The house is a tip, lumps of food all over the floors in the living room and kitchen, same with all work surfaces in the kitchen plus used utensils, used bowls,pans etc, Don is still wearing the cardigan he put on the day before I went and it's covered in stains, his bed has huge yellow urine stains where his catheter has leaked, his duvet cover hasn't been changed and it needed doing before I went but I purposely hadn't done it, he DOES still stink, has not had a shower and I know as I turned the shower head right round to the side and it's still the same plus I put two small scrunched up balls of loo roll in the bath knowing they would disintegrate if they got wet, they're still there just as I put them. The toilet is disgusting, faeces all over the porcelain, on the seat and floor, even on a pipe! The 3 pairs of dirty trousers are still in the wash basket with 2 more dirty pairs nearby where he's thrown them and the pair he's wearing are filthy. There is a pair in the washing machine but they are dirty too. I know he had just one clean pair left in the cupboard, they are worse than socks as he had loads at one time but they kept disappearing, he's obviously found some of them. 

  The recycling bin is full of non recyclable items, used kitchen roll, filthy dishcloths he's used to wipe up spills, bloody meat trays, lumps of food and tins with food in the bottom and there's big tea or coffee stains on the hall floor. 

  I emailed Jacqueline a few days ago asking her to visit me tomorrow (I wasn't sure if I was back today or tomorrow) as I had a feeling I wouldn't be coming back to a clean house or a clean Don and she's replied saying she's coming at 1.30pm tomorrow. I am not cleaning any of it although I went to go to the loo and automatically cleaned the faeces off the seat without thinking. I realised and have left the rest and used the upstairs loo. 

  So why did SS Chris, David and Christopher all say Don was fine and the house was clean and tidy? And why did David tell me even the toilet was clean? I knew Don would not clean it, just as I knew he wouldn't shower or change his clothes or keep the house clean. He'd shut all the upstairs windows which I always kept open to help get rid of his smoke and the whole house stinks of cigarette smoke. 

  I can't remember if I mentioned I've had no heartburn while at Becky's, have eaten nothing but junk food and chocolate which I never touch here as I have heartburn so often. The heartburn also used to stop whenever Don was in hospital. I have a hiatus hernia that is why I get heartburn but the medication usually keeps it at bay. But you still have what's called breakthroughs, I had it every day for weeks before I went to Becky's, nothing helped it and it's now obvious his smoking WAS the cause as I thought. He won't smoke when I'm in the room with him but he smokes between 20/30 overnight when I'm in bed but doesn't believe his smoke all rises upstairs to me. 

  I'm now seriously thinking about moving out, I'm going to talk to Jacqueline tomorrow. I don't want to but can see no other option. 

  Mind you Don has complained several times since I got home about his back hurting, I asked if its high or low back pain and he said lower. My first thought was it could be his kidneys, he said its senile decay but he says that about everything! I don't know if he's been continuing to drink lots of water but he's definitely been drinking lots of his favourite tipple port! He often got through a bottle in a day, at most a bottle only lasts 2 days. You will probably remember from much earlier posts his kidneys have failed 4 times in the past year. No one has monitored them as he's had no hospital appointments. But I was determined when I came back I am not going to continue trying to care for him and I'm sticking to this. I've had enough of fighting on his behalf and I've had enough of his continual refusal to accept help of any kind. It's time to care for me and put my health first as both my physical and mental health have been suffering. He's had no medication in the last ten days, I am not going to try to get him to start again. 

  He just told me he bought some crab meat and asked if I want it, I said I'll have it if he doesn't want it and he fetched it from the fridge and gave it to me. He then went back in the kitchen to look for something for his tea. He came back in the room saying he thought he had some crab meat in the fridge, sounding disappointed. I showed him it and he then remembered he'd given it to me! I told him to have it and I'd get some more tomorrow. But he still insisted I should have it. The old Don IS still there. And from now on I'm making sure I do nothing to cause me to see the new aggressive and abusive Don again. 

Kaydi x x 

If they only call at the door and don't go in they may feel that what you outline is false ..........................if they don't want to believe it................ If they 'Have' to live there,then they may think differently.

I once was involved with a hit and run case, and went to the county court as a wittness. When I heard other witnesses discussing the case I began to think I had come to the wrong court case . I happened to see a judge I knew vagually . He imediately stopped me from speaking and took me to another judge ! I was indeed in the correct case ! What people were saying was utter rubbish and had no bearing on the case in question. But those people obviously believed what they were saying was the truth .

                                            Regards   E

  Jacqui saw the state of the house and Don and although she didn't actually comment the look on her face said it all. She sat in the room at first and talked to both of us. She ticked him off about the amount of port he's drinking and he replied that he's 81, it doesn't matter how much port he drinks, he's had a good life and wouldn't care if he died, that if everyone just leaves him alone as he wants then he would die happy. 

  I mentioned that Christopher and his granddaughter had called in the night I got back, Don jumped in and said what are you talking about, I haven't seen Christopher for months! I said yes you have, you asked him to go get you some kidneys yesterday and he brought you liver (Don had already told me this earlier) and he called in last night with your kidneys. Don then went very quiet and didn't say anymore, obviously giving this some thought. 

  Jacqui then asked if it would be possible to make the 3 bedrooms into a bed sit for myself (it seems you had the same idea, Lynne) saying we would both be happier living completely separately. The bathroom is also upstairs and she suggested shutting the bedroom doors to keep the smoke out. I dismissed it at first saying I can't close the bedroom doors as the cats would be constantly scratching to be let in and out. But then I realized to solve that I just need to have cat doors fitted in the doors. Jacqui said I could have my own fridge, microwave, cooker rings, toaster, kettle etc and that it has to worth trying. Don agreed too and hopefully it'll be the perfect solution. 

  I told Jacqui that although I know I can't care for him anymore it won't stop me worrying as his sons have proved they are not going to take on the responsibility of their Dad, even if they visit they don't notice he's not looking after himself or the house and wouldn't notice if Don's health declined again. I said Don will not get medical help for himself and would lie there and die. She said so be it, you're not responsible for him, he's stated clearly he wants to be left alone and you need to put myself first now for the sake of your health. 

  So I've put in for quotes for the cat doors to be fitted and I'm looking to buy the fridge, microwave etc. Yesterday I bought myself a kettle, have brought the toaster up and put our old one out for Don and am gradually moving all my things upstairs. I now realize I need more sockets in my bedroom as there's only 2 in here. 

  I spent monday evening and much of Tuesday downstairs but I much prefer it up here as no Lynne I haven't cleaned up downstairs and couldn't bear all the mess, as you predicted. I couldn't stand the bits of food all over the kitchen floor and have had to keep going down to the kitchen to bring things up and use the fridge until I get my own so I did sweep the floor, I also set the dishwasher off and then refilled it with all the washing up that was left and did some of the washing I brought back. I did 5 loads at Becky's (although some of it was the kids as I tidied their room) but I still had a massive pile. I compared it to Don's washing, all he had was 3 pairs of trousers! 

  I can't decide if doing his washing is classed as continuing to care for him, his social worker and mine have both said not to continue caring for him, he's said he neither wants or needs me to but he has no idea how to use the washer so I feel it's only right if I do wash the few items he puts out. But I draw the line at continually changing and washing his bedding. I've only been in the room twice today, to fetch my things and the smell of stale urine is overpowering. 

  As for Don's health, I won't be continuing to medicate him, he's now gone 12 days without his tablets, he too is on omeprazole (and yes Lynne I am on those too and they kept my heartburn away at first but I kept getting breakthroughs which I know has to be his smoke) and Levothyroxine for his under active thyroid. Jacqui knows he's not taking them but made no comment. He's better than I expected, alert and doesn't seem to be spending as much time in bed. But yesterday he didn't drink any water, only port. I have said nothing though, his SW advised I don't say anything that may cause his aggression. I saw he'd filled his water cup up today but had drunk only half which is not enough. The urine in his catheter bag is much darker now than it was before I went away. 

  I need to get everything sorted as quickly as possible upstairs as then I'll rarely need to go downstairs and will stop observing him as these things only cause me to worry. He's also complaining his catheter is rubbing and hurting. This has never happened before and without thinking I suggested he ask the district nurse to come check it, he immediately became defensive and didn't like the suggestion, I can't remember his words but he made it clear he thought I was interfering, I said I was only trying to help and he calmed down and spoke nicely again. He's been very polite and considerate since I've been back but I know if I as much as mentioned his lack of showers or the mess everywhere he'd flare up. So I'm saying nothing. 

  I find the whole situation so hard to understand, his sons and his SW, none of it makes sense. How can SWs ignore people's health and wellbeing, cuts or no cuts. And how could his sons not bother to check him the first week after Christopher told me, Chris and Helen they would make regular checks? As for David telling me the house, Don and even the toilet was clean I will never understand. 

  I thought about telling Christopher that Don said he hadn't seen him for months and that he told me he can no longer remember his grandkids names but I've had enough of trying to tell everyone Don has dementia as no one will believe me. I've been flogging a dead horse and the quicker I can get everything I need upstairs to live separately the better. Without doubt they will all realize eventually. I just hope they apologize to me!