Advice please

Doesn't sound fun.  I know when my son (16) gets out of line and yells, he's tired.  But if it continues to be more and more I will have to do something.  I understand that she is 21 so you can't ground her and if she wants to 'game' all night that's on her BUT you can insist that she works or goes to school.  I plan to do this with my kids-- it's fine if they don't want school but they do NEED to work.  My niece is home from school for the summer and her parents INSISTED that she works too.  She also needs to get back to counseling-- try a different one.  It would help her so much to move on with her life-- going to the ex's mother isn't helping!!  Yes you can back-off but if you can get her to therapy that would be a great start!!

She stormed off yesterday afternoon and hasn’t come home all night. She’s such a worry. I think she’s at the ex’s mother who isn’t helping the situation one bit. She won’t go back into therapy again. Especially not for family reasons. 

Hi Kim - I so understand, I was there with my daughter. Its so hard to accept right now but she will get through this! Your husband is right, give her the space to get through this traumatic time in her life. I do think more counselling would help her. 

?I know your heart is breaking & the feeling of not being able to help her pain is unbearable to you as a mother.

Please try & keep your patience & look after you as well. 

Thank you. I don’t recognise my daughter at all right now. It’s like dealing with a stranger. It’s so upsetting. I just don’t know what to do anymore. She’s my only child and I feel like I’m losing her. 

Hi I think it is your  home and you need to be laying down some rules.  She is 21 and is an adult so has to contribute towards her own keep by working.  She has to keep a civil tongue in her head too.  I would make these rules non negotiable.

If she agrees to seek therapy you could relax the work rule until she feels a bit better but it would have to be a condition.  I know she is your daughter but letting her live at yours and get away with this is enabling her bad behaviour and she has no incentive to change.  x

Join they club i have three sons and the are pretty much the same if u ask me she needs to bed howing a bit off thought love like we were when we were young I hate to say this to you but u do too much for her she won't change on less your husband and u don't stand together

It is so hard parenting adult children, but we have to remember the goal of parenting. An adult that moves out and is a productive member of society. 

Right now her boyfriend is using her, and in turn she is using you.  I would recommend you and dad work with a therapist to set some firm boundaries and consequences if she does not respect them , that both parents will stand behind.  She probably does act differently at boyfriends moms house. If she acted like she does at your house she would be asked to leave.   Every time you try to enforce your boundaries, she likely will take off to boyfriends home, but they likely will not do her laundry or support her long term. You and dad need to be able to stand together.  Sounds easy but there is fine line between being firm and uncaring. Also, she will test boundaries, so you need to be willing to do the consequences.  So be careful to chose consequences you are willing to let happen. Each time we threaten a consequence but don't follow through things get worse.  If she has a mental illness, addition or depression she needs to do the hard work of changing. Doing therapy. But, if she does not have any consequences for refusing help or bad behavior you are just enabling her. What happens if you stop doing her laudrey or paying for her Internet/phone. She will run to boyfriends and say how horrible you are.  But, she will be forced to come back or get a job when they get tired of supporting her.  I would make it clear to her she will be welcomed back anytime but same conditions will apply. 

Thank you. You all make so much sense. We have taken her car away so when she strops away she has to find her own way home. This worries me as I hate her getting around as late as she chooses to return home. She’s a bit calmer today. But I still can’t appriach her or request anything. I think she has a form of depression. She definitely has a gaming addiction which is ruling her life. But she won’t afmit she has a problem so nothing we can do about that. I personally think she could do with some anti depressants to get her through the worst of it. But she really thinks it’s all our fault and won’t accept any responsibility. Her father has said we should stop her allowance and cut the WiFi in the home. But it’ll be like taking heroin off a user and I’m not sure I can’t stand the uproar this will cause. We have to do something.