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Advice Required

Posted , 9 users are following.

stephie2
stephie2

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years. He is a really caring, kind bloke and is very thoughtful on most things. I have just one issue. When we go out with friends he cannot handle his drink and gets so drunk that he ruins the whole night for me. We went to my brothers house at Xmas and I was unwell with bronchitis and a chest infection. This made it so that I didn't drink. Well we went out and had a good night (not too drunk) then went back to my brothers where we were staying. He continued drinking much to my annoyance and asking him to stop drinking. Anyway he got that drunk he slept on the lounge floor, was sick on my brothers feet and the rug (brother thought this was funny) then ended up wetting himself! I was mortified although all the others thought it was funny. Boyfriend was embarrassed but didn't seem to think it was anything major. I ended up driving the 2 hours home despite not feeling well because he was too over the limit.

Anyway another night out recently with friends in Whitby and we go out drinking mid afternoon. By 9pm he throws up on the table in the pub and I have to take him back to the hotel and put him to bed. I sit there watching tv full blast whilst he is snoring at 10pm feeling annoyed that we are here again (friends again think its funny that he is a lightweight).

Now it is getting to the stage where I don't want to go out with him drinking because its embarrassing and I am fed up with it. Tried to talk to him about it and he just agrees its not on and that he wont drink a lot or just gets arsy with me for "nagging".

Is this the start of a drink problem?  How do I deal with this?

0 likes, 16 replies

16 Replies

  • pistal666
    pistal666 stephie2

    Posted

    I can't see any signs of dependence, he does not seem to be instigating any of these Situations. He gets arsy because of embarrassment. He just sounds like the Drink turns him into an incredible Tw@! What are his levels like at home?

       

    • stephie2
      stephie2 pistal666

      Posted

      He doesn't drink in the house really other than an occasional couple of cans if we have friends round but can go weeks without having a drink at all.

    • pistal666
      pistal666 stephie2

      Posted

      Then I don't think that you should worry too much as he does not seem to "Enjoy" the event. If he is lovely most of the Time and leads an otherwise healthy happy life, then the Alcohol has a huge affect with his brain patterns and personality. He would do well to avoid it purely for the reason that he is practically Allergic to Alcohol, given immediate, adverse reactions. Tell him he's the Driver. Say you won't stand for it forever.

    • stephie2
      stephie2 pistal666

      Posted

      I really won't stand this forever as I am not a big drinker myself but yet when I have had enough I go on to soft drinks and enjoy the evening.  I have told him that if he is going to spoil it every time we go out with friends then I will just leave him at home and he wont be invited which will be the only way if it means I cannot have a good evening with him there.

    • harriet67221
      harriet67221 stephie2

      Posted

      Good idea. Drinking may go worse then what will you do? Just a thought. You have to think about yourself and your future happiness etc. Good luck.
    • pistal666
      pistal666 stephie2

      Posted

      Perfect. Be straight with him "If you keep making a fool of yourself, then I will ..............!" If the rules are clear, it makes future actions easier. Sounds like you got the plan wink

  • harriet67221
    harriet67221 stephie2

    Posted

    I would ask him if he drinks on a regular basis as he may be in denial of a drink problem. It is important his liver function enzymes are monitored. 
  • Guest
    Guest stephie2

    Posted

    In somewhat of a similar situation to you.. my boyfriend seems to have developed a drinking problem over the last 6 months.. He doesn’t drink a lot throughout the week but has had issues with drinking excessively in one session and would become a totally different person. At times I just put up with it.. but it had got to breaking point for me on a couple occasions. I think that made him smarten up and realise it was a problem for him. The irony is that he was working in a bar over the last year and we went through a serious break up period there which I guess prompted him to quit his job and move away from drinking altogether. We’ll see how long it lasts. But - if its really a big issue for you that it you either feel humiliated, unsafe, etc. around him, then you 100% have to make yourself clear that you’re not going to put up with it. I guess all I can advise is that you talk to him, tell him how his excessive drinking makes you feel and ask him to take it easier from now on. 
  • alex01280
    alex01280 stephie2

    Posted

    Well....I wouldn't say he has a drink problem like many on here but he certain has a problem with drink.

    ?If throwing up on tables in public and wetting himself doesn't make him want to change his ways then goodness knows what you can do. It doesn't help that his family and friends think it's all a big laugh.

    ?I think the simplest answer (at least in the short term) is to tell him that you like being with him but don't like the way he drinks so he'll have to drink without you. If you're in the UK this means your social life as a couple will be next to zero as nobody in this country can meet each other without alcohol being present, but at least it will focus his mind on things.

    ?And if he doesn't change his ways then you'll have to tell him it's over. If that doesn't change him then it really is over. It might seem a waste of 4 years but at least it wasn't more. This might sound a bit extreme but it's not going to get any better (and will probably get worse) until he realises what he's doing to you.

  • ADEfree
    ADEfree stephie2

    Posted

    Stephie, if he's tried to cut back and just can't seem to maintain control, the Sinclair Method might be a way for him to do so. Look under The Sinclair Method on this page:

    https://patient.info/forums/discuss/useful-resources-487627

    If you google:

    Claudia Christian TEDx talk 

    you'll find a presentation by Claudia on Youtube. NHS has Nalmefene available for drinking reduction, but if you're in the UK the hoops you have to go through to get it will vary by the NHS area. 

  • stephie2
    stephie2

    Posted

    Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. 

    He doesn't make me feel unsafe or anything as he is not a violent person but he can be quite arrogant when drunk and I certainly don't enjoy the night out at the end of it when he spoils it for me too. 

    I have tried to talk to him about how it embarrasses me and how it ruins every night out we have with friends.  I know his mother is a big part of his life and I get on well with her.  I was even contemplating having a word with her and asking her advice or if she would even have a chat to him when they are next alone.  She would be furious with him if she knew that he had been sick in a pub or even wet himself.  I don't want to humiliate him but then I don't want to be humiliated myself in front of my family and friends.

    • harriet67221
      harriet67221 stephie2

      Posted

      This guy is bad news and you know it. My first husband was just the same, domineering mother , immature, out of control. This is a dangerous situation and to be blunt the sooner you get out of it and away from his controlling nature the better. 
    • stephie2
      stephie2 harriet67221

      Posted

      His mother is lovely and I get on really well with her.  He doesn't control me in any way to be honest.  I am more of the boss in our house than he is it is just he doesn't know when to stop drinking when he starts.  Believe me I give him hell for it for days after the event and if he does it one more time then he will simply be banned from going out with me and my group of friends which he knows I will do.

    • ADEfree
      ADEfree stephie2

      Posted

      Some people just don't have that control built in and ofttimes it only shows up when they're out in a social drinking situation. Binge drinkers are used to holding off for days or weeks (or even months), but when they do cut loose, watch out! Look up Alcohol Deprivation Effect for more info on that.

    • harriet67221
      harriet67221 stephie2

      Posted

      I am sure both he and his mother are lovely to you. After all you are prepared to put up with him whilst his mum can walk away.

      Perhaps you and he could go to Relate formerly called thw Marriage Guidance Council. It is not just for married people.

       

    • harriet67221
      harriet67221 stephie2

      Posted

      Hi again Stephie In the end the decision to put up or shut up is entirely yours. Having gone thru a similar experience myself I ended up being deprived of money for essentials as the alcohol always came first. He became violent and I sued for divorce, he was a teacher.

      I regret not divorcing him sooner. 

      ?I do not wish to interfere but .......... you did ask for help and advice. You said that you do not wish to humiliate him. Why not he is doing it to you. You are being manipulated.

      I feel that you have to ask yourself if you wish to live like this, to live with uncertainty and what that will do to your health.

      What happens if children come along?

      ?Like I said I would get rid and make a happier life for yourself. Who wants to live with a man who behaves like this. A spoiled brat. Sorry steph .Don't let your heart rule your had in my experience it is a huge mistake.

       

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