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Advice urgently needed

Posted , 4 users are following.

chrissy1888
chrissy1888

When I was 19 I was told I had depression and had probably suffered from it for many years but at 19 I didn't want to accept it because I thought it must have been a mistake so I tried to get on with life bit my relationships kept failing I suffered from panic attacks hated be in crowds felt down all the time and I had a lack of energy or drive, im 30 now and about 8 years ago I created fake Facebook profiles and I used these with people I was dating almost as a tool just to find out how the people I was seeing viewed me and felt about me I even had conversations with my fake profiles which was madness, I refused to except depression was something I was suffering from but a few months ago I had a break up and it was 70% my fault lack of drive to work, emotional detached, I told stupid lies that I didn't have too and I even used the Facebook profiles I had created but only at the start of the relationship, I flirted with other people never with an intention to cheat but so I felt liked, I quit a job because my partner was unwell and was worried something would happen when I wasn't there but I even lied about that and said the place I worked got closed down, I created a whole fake back ground mostly by word of mouth because I didn't feel anyone could live me for me as my own father couldn't but after this recent break up I looked back through my relationships and realised all of them had said or implied I was emotionally with drawn, I had mood swings etc.....I don't know if I will ever get my ex back as much as we lover each other at some point but I want to be able to explain myself and I feel the only way to do that is by seeking help and working out why I never feel good enough, I have no drive, low self asteem, I lie about stupid things,why I have panic attacks and why I emotionally distance myself....All advice is welcome

1 like, 6 replies

6 Replies

  • sharon12462
    sharon12462 chrissy1888

    Posted

    Hi Chrissy I think reading this ..your main problem is low or no self esteem .. there's lots of people who make fake profiles all for different reasons.. is there any chance you can ask your doctor to refer you for therapy ? There's a real good 1 called mindfulness that may do you some good.. helps you change the way you think & living in the moment .

    Sharon

    • chrissy1888
      chrissy1888 sharon12462

      Posted

      Thanks Sharon,

      I need to ask my doctor to do something this has been going on most of my life and im going crazy now, im sick of feeling down and as if I should end my life to make things easier and these thought's seem to be a big part of my thought train over the last few years just at a bit of a loss right now

    • sharon12462
      sharon12462 chrissy1888

      Posted

      Yer I can relate to that very much.. do you find change triggers your black thoughts ??

      iv come to believe that these thoughts never go away completely ..because of triggers ..it could be something like tv ..a simple word even.. ..meds work towards you helping yourself which is really hard because of depression / bipolar.. thoughts & not coping .I'm on different meds now felt absolutely fab for a couple of months bt back feeling crap again.. vicious circle.. you should defo speak to your doctor tho.. try & get on a course ☺ may make u feel better just for you doing your bit..

    • chrissy1888
      chrissy1888 sharon12462

      Posted

      I think life triggers my thoughts right now, i seem to feel guilt for everything even the good things i have done, i keep feeling like i want to cry but yet tears never come and it all just turns to anger or dark thoughts. The hardest bit is I work in healthcare as I am a senior carer and this would destroy my career but at the same time this has not been an easy decision for me to even come to this forum because it was easier to hide away but I feel I am loosing myself more & more and I almost don't know who I am anymore...I am scared and I am unsure if I can proceed with anything right now
  • wendy85295
    wendy85295 chrissy1888

    Posted

    Hi Chrissy

    If you could get referred for some counselling (you need to offload by the sound of it) this should not affect your career.  The organisation Mind do this but you may have to try to fast track as there is usually quite a long waiting list.

    Well done for writing in this Forum - it is perhaps a start of the healing process and who knows you and your partner may benefit if you still love each other....

    Keep up the good work

    Kind regards

    Wendy

     

  • charlie79548
    charlie79548 chrissy1888

    Posted

    Hi Chrissy,

    I completely agree with all above, well done for writing on this page. Your healing and recovery starts here!

    I'm not a doctor (though I am training as a MH nurse) and can't diagnose, I have Bipolar Disorder as well as a condition called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I relate a lot to what you were saying about your relationships; though I'm married now I had a hellish time with relationships before I sought treatment and used to do some of the things you mentioned above. Emotionally Unstable (or Borderline) Personality Disorder is really not as scary as it sounds, it just basically means that your life experience/ biological makeup means that you struggle in life a bit more than others do, particularly around relationships and close attachments. I myself am a 'survivor' of BPD, and can vouch for how horrific it can be to live with, but there is hope. 

    My suggestion is that you first ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is the only person who is able to formally diagnose you- once you have a diagnosis you will be able to access treatments and very slowly get your life to where you would like to to be. I really empathise with your situation- it is so hard- but try not to self diagnose and seek professional help. The best combination (which worked for me) is a combination of medication and therapy- both are available on the NHS, though be prepared to wait a while for the therapy side. If you can fund private therapy with an experienced professional I would recommend the investment, no waiting lists and the like. 

    I hope the above has helped. I will say again though, my suggestion is only an idea, I can't diagnose nor can anyone except a psychiatrist!

    All the best, 

    Charlie

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