Afraid he will leave me

P.S. I see that he tested, hopefully for IgG and not IgM, but you should, too. If your outbreak was very recent and is due to new infection, you won't have any IgG antibodies yet, or very little. The window is small, however. Some people seroconvert before the 3-month test window, even at 2 months or a bit earlier. The IgM test is not useful or reliable, even if your doctor says otherwise. Anyway, it sounds like your bf won't leave you either way, you just need time to work through this, but I don't want you thinking the herpes is due to you when there's a very good chance (at least 50/50) that it isn't.

Good Morning,

 

And thanks for responding. He basically told me last night that he’s only worried about himself at this point. He doesn’t know if he still loves me or how he feels about me at this point. He said this is altering his love for me a little. Man, I swear I felt my heart breaking inside my chest. I felt that’s really messed up because if the roles were reversed I definitely would be scared as hell of the virus, but the one thing I’d be sure about is my love for him. I know there’s a chance I could have gotten it from him, but the fact of the matter is I’m googling the net like crazy trying to see how we can get past it together, and he’s only googling trying to see about himself. He’s said numerous times that he’s not thinking about “us”. He even told me he doesn’t put it past me that I may have done this on purpose, and that really hurt me. When we lay at night he won’t even hold me, even puts the covers between us like I’m some flee or something. I’ve been crying my eyes out for two days straight, and he doesn’t even hug me or console me in any way. He tells me he loves me, but last night I said how can you say you love me if you don’t know how you feel about me? I said are you just saying that because you think it’s the right thing to say? He said “I don’t know.”

It’s not fair. I love him with no limitations on my heart. I would be there for him and try to figure out how to be there for myself as well. He’ll kiss me bye in the morning but they aren’t warm or loving, it’s quick and lifeless the life is gone from our home and our relationship. It’s hard to explain but I can see it in his eyes. He doesn’t desire me, or look at me as the woman he did before I had this. He’s not even trying to according to him, im not his concern right now, his health is. He basically let me know that this test will determine our future. I wrote him a letter this morning before I went to work.

It basically let him know that this is not something I had control over or tried to do on purpose I love him too much. I told him this is something I have it is not something I am, and I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself when I know in my heart that I’m still a good woman, and I’ve been an excellent woman to him. I deserve someone that’s going to love me know matter what, not be afraid to hold me when I cry because he’s only thinking of himself. I told him if he can’t honestly see himself loving me past my flaw and treating me like the good woman I am, then I think it should end now. Maybe he needs some space. I told him I don’t want him feeling bound to me if the test comes out saying he’s okay, and I don’t want him only with me because we share this virus if it comes out that he has it. I want him to be with me because he truly loves me for me and wants to work through this together. I told him I’ve been heartbroken before I can deal with that, but what I can’t deal with is no kisses or hugs, or loves from my man when I need him the most. I asked that he please just become educated on this before he makes a decision to throw us away. I asked that he does his research beyond transmission if he could and then sit and think if what we have is worth tossing out the window over something like this that can be controlled. I told him if he decides to leave I’ll deal with it and cherish what we have so far.

Now if only i could just stop crying. Pretty soon my eyes will be swollen .smh

I'm so sorry he's starting to react that way. That must hurt terribly, especially on top of everything else you're going through. But before I comment any further, how did you test positive for genital Type 2, and have you ever had reason to suspect that you might already have it? Was it this first outbreak that made you see a doctor and get tested?

I mean i've had a bump down there before, one time i had a rash on my buttock but it went away in like 2 days, that was like 6 years ago. My doctor always said nothing i've shown him looks like hsv. I had bump while dating my ex 6 months ago but nothing like this, it went away in like a day. I even showed my ex, and he shrugged it off too. I'm very tideous about my private area, pay attention to every little thing. If one hair is out of place i panic.But this one here was painful when i walk, i couldn't really sit a certain way or cross my legs. I showed my doctor this one, and i guess from the phase it was in and the location he said it was undoubtly herpes.

You weren't swabbed? Visual diagnoses are prone to error. You could both be jumping the gun, if you weren't properly diagnosed by a swab test. Even if genital herpes, it could be Type 1. Both types look the same.

It's also premature of your bf to act like you're the source before he even has his test results back. The self-blame so soon, before any proof, has made it all too easy for him to shift his mindset. Remember, at first, he was worried that he might have given it to you, but how quickly that changed!

I hope you can get a proper diagnosis soon, plus an IgG test done, to at least know the facts of the matter (and whether you need to inform past partners). In the meantime, don't take the full blame for anything and you have every right to be both hurt and angry/upset by your bf's reaction. I would be incensed!

Yes, i'm going to go have my blood drawn when i get off work today. But he's supposed to get his results today. What if he does have it and i dont?

Should that be the case, then don't forget how he has been towards you lately! Either way, this has been revealing. I know he's stunned, scared and all that, but he has nevertheless been very quick to blame and rather unfair and self-centred in his comments. His priorities and investment in the relationship are not the same as yours, it would seem, so proceed with caution, if at all, would be my advice.

The only problem, though, is that if he tests positive before your negative (all hypothetical, mind you), given that your test will be after his results, then he will certainly blame you even more than he does now, so be prepared for that. Pity you both didn't get tested at the same time.

If he has any IgM results, by the way, ignore them, no matter what they say. False positives are common with IgM and the test doesn't indicate type or recency of infection, although many doctors still wrongly think the test can determine the latter.

I think he has already made up his mind that this is all on me, since i'm the one that had a blister and was open enough to disclose this information with him while trying to protect him. I mean it was definiely in a space where he had no idea, so if i were purposely trying to hook him why doesn't he think i wouldn't wait longer into the relationship? Why would i do it so soon as risk someone i've only known a month knowing something so personal? Of course his mind is not there right now, it's wrapped around him and only him. Smh. It truly sucks that i fell in love with someone that would be so quick to judge and point the finger.

Well i've actually known him a year, but we've only been going steady a month.

Wow, well, that's good news, I guess! How did he test negative? IgG? Good that he is also acting better now, despite moving out. I'm sure it is very confusing and scary for him, and he does need time to process things, but still not nice of him to act the way he did before. At least he seems to realise that now, but I suspect that's mostly because he's relieved he doesn't have it, so can now go back into caring mode again. Maybe I'm too cynical, lol. Anyway, lucky he didn't test positive, otherwise who knows how he would have reacted. He is right, though, about you still not having tested. Imagine if all this was over an incorrect visual diagnosis! But you never know. Did you ask your ex about his herpes status?

I got it swabbed the day i found out it just wasn't a blood test The doctor was just so sure it was hsv2 that he prescribed me the meds and took the swab just to be 100% sure. My primary isn't available until next week, that's who I want to draw my blood. Anyway, I got the swab  results back and sure enough it’s positive. And you aren’t being cynical at all. He only came back last night and was acting sweet because he was hoping and praying I didn’t have it. Once I practically forced him to talk about the possibility of a positive result he went stiff and cold again. Once again I was facing his back instead of his arms being wrapped around me. The covers back between us. He was on my head all morning while at work about calling them for the official swab test results, and when I called on my lunch to tell him the results once again it was cold shoulder. I don’t know why it hurt me so bad considering his reaction initially, but it did…perhaps even worse. He got off the phone right after I told him it was positive. Said he would call back, and that was an hour ago. I told him he could just drop my key to my cousin (whom is his bestfriend), and to take care. I’ve had enough. Dealing with this was painful enough, but having a non-supportive person, treating me like a flea he doesn’t want to catch is making it worse.And honestly I cant get over how abandoned I felt when I came home and saw all of his belongings gone. To see that he wasn’t even going to try, he just bolted for the door the moment he found out HE was okay,  was probably the hugest blow. I’m tired of crying I don’t deserve any of this. All I did was be honest with a man I love, and this is what I got for it. Never again. I never want to date again, because I never want to feel this pain. It’s indescribable. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Oh, so sorry to hear that! Type 2, right? And your bf doesn't sound like a very nice guy, I'm afraid. Didn't take much to send him straight back into "me mode" again! I think the biggest shock and upset for you, more than the herpes, is uncovering the true nature of your bf and the relationship you thought you had, and you're right that you don't need that BS.

Sometimes, when things are good, it's too easy for the negatives to remain hidden out of sight. Adversity can draw them out, and better you found out now than later. Who knows? He could come around after processing things, but if so, proceed with caution like I said before. However, you didn't date very long, so he has little invested and more to risk/lose now, so it's doubtful.

Meanwhile, you need to focus on you! Focus on staying healthy and treat yourself. Once you are in a proper frame of mind to deal with things, and after your (presumably positive) IgG results, you should notify your ex. Since you had occasional bumps then, albeit mild and quickly fleeting ones, those could well have been outbreaks. Stay strong and take care!