Afraid he will leave me

Posted , 2 users are following.

Hi,

I just found out yesterday that I contracted H2 possibly from a previous relationship at least I think it did because my current bf has no symptoms but I do. We just started this beautiful relationship, he’s an excellent guy. I mean he treats me like a princess; we are inseparable and madly in love. We do everything together, you see him you see me. We even call ourselves the power couple. Well our worst nightmare came when I had to sit him down after dinner yesterday and tell him about this monster called H. What I was mostly afraid of was because we’ve had sex multiple times already. Twice unprotected. I didn’t have any symptoms or sores during those times we were intimate so I had no idea I was infected, but now I know about the shedding phase. Crazy thing is I know soooo many people with it, and I still freaked. I guess the most freaked out part was having to tell the love of my life that I have this, and he may have it to. He freaked out. He looked like he wanted to cry. I was crushed that I may have passed this to him. I wanted to hold him because he was shaking but I was afraid to touch him.

He was torn because he kept asking if he gave it to me, and I tried explaining that there’s really no way of knowing because the doctor say’s it could’ve been laying dormant, and since my boyfriend claims he’s never had any sores or irritation down there, all fingers point to me. So imagine how I felt. I just wanted him to be okay. I was more worried about him than myself. I drove him straight to urgent care to have his blood drawn. I cried the whole time. He was jiterry and couldn’t sit still. He said things like “So we wont be able to have sex with anyone else, ever?(that comment hurt) Will my daughter get it? (she’s five, of course not!), He asked where the sore was, and how it felt?” I answered as many questions as I could without bursting into a million tears. I just wanted to hurry and get him to a doctor so the doctor could calm him a bit like he did me.

Well once he came out of the doctors office he seemed a bit more relaxed. He asked his questions more calmly and told me the doctor told him he doesn’t think he has it, but a blood test needs to be done just to make sure. I told him if it comes back that he’s okay, I don’t want this thing to make him feel he should stay with me. If he stays it’s because he loves me, not because he does or doesn’t have this. I don’t want anyone with me out of pity. I’d rather be alone. He told me he doesn’t want to leave me because he cares about me. We went home and both sort of just stared at the wall. He was as nice as he could I guess, considering the circumstances. Definitely not as warm as he usually is, but I just focused on not taking his comments and demeanor to heart, because I know he’s scared, and only speaking out of concern for his health. He’s worried about our future and so am I. He looked me dead in the eyes and told me he loves me more than once last night. I believe him. He didn’t touch me at all last night though. Things felt so cold, and just…well…not us. I was hurt, and emotionally drained so I took a bath and went to bed. At first he didn’t come to bed, but later he did. He kept asking if I was okay. Eventually we fell asleep for the first time I wasn’t in his arms. In the morning he tried to make subtle jokes like always, not about this but just regular things before we found out. I smile but I’m still worried he’ll leave me. But could I blame him? I wouldn’t leave him if the shoe was reversed, I’d be scared as hell but true love is hard to find and after reading how common this is, hell I’d probably be better off with someone that knows their sexual health than someone that doesn’t. Anyway, I’ve prayed about it and told God I’d do my best not to worry about it. I did my part in telling him. So far I’m not doing a good job of not worrying (sad face). I’ve printed up stories for us to read together on how to deal with this when I get home from work today, I just hope he he’s still there and loves me as much as he says he does. I guess I’m just looking for words of encouragement.

0 likes, 14 replies

14 Replies

  • Posted

    He could have given it to you. In fact, I would guess that he probably did. You never had any signs or symptoms before, not until after a new relationship with him, right? So, why should the finger point at you? It is very possible to carry and transmit herpes without any recognised symptoms.

    Don't get sidetracked by this whole dormancy business. In the majority of cases, a first outbreak occurs around the time of new infection. You should both test for IgG (*not* IgM) antibodies to herpes *asap*, and that can tell you who had it first, unless you both had it first from different source partners.

    • Posted

      P.S. I see that he tested, hopefully for IgG and not IgM, but you should, too. If your outbreak was very recent and is due to new infection, you won't have any IgG antibodies yet, or very little. The window is small, however. Some people seroconvert before the 3-month test window, even at 2 months or a bit earlier. The IgM test is not useful or reliable, even if your doctor says otherwise. Anyway, it sounds like your bf won't leave you either way, you just need time to work through this, but I don't want you thinking the herpes is due to you when there's a very good chance (at least 50/50) that it isn't.
    • Posted

      Good Morning,

       

      And thanks for responding. He basically told me last night that he’s only worried about himself at this point. He doesn’t know if he still loves me or how he feels about me at this point. He said this is altering his love for me a little. Man, I swear I felt my heart breaking inside my chest. I felt that’s really messed up because if the roles were reversed I definitely would be scared as hell of the virus, but the one thing I’d be sure about is my love for him. I know there’s a chance I could have gotten it from him, but the fact of the matter is I’m googling the net like crazy trying to see how we can get past it together, and he’s only googling trying to see about himself. He’s said numerous times that he’s not thinking about “us”. He even told me he doesn’t put it past me that I may have done this on purpose, and that really hurt me. When we lay at night he won’t even hold me, even puts the covers between us like I’m some flee or something. I’ve been crying my eyes out for two days straight, and he doesn’t even hug me or console me in any way. He tells me he loves me, but last night I said how can you say you love me if you don’t know how you feel about me? I said are you just saying that because you think it’s the right thing to say? He said “I don’t know.”

      It’s not fair. I love him with no limitations on my heart. I would be there for him and try to figure out how to be there for myself as well. He’ll kiss me bye in the morning but they aren’t warm or loving, it’s quick and lifeless the life is gone from our home and our relationship. It’s hard to explain but I can see it in his eyes. He doesn’t desire me, or look at me as the woman he did before I had this. He’s not even trying to according to him, im not his concern right now, his health is. He basically let me know that this test will determine our future. I wrote him a letter this morning before I went to work.

      It basically let him know that this is not something I had control over or tried to do on purpose I love him too much. I told him this is something I have it is not something I am, and I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself when I know in my heart that I’m still a good woman, and I’ve been an excellent woman to him. I deserve someone that’s going to love me know matter what, not be afraid to hold me when I cry because he’s only thinking of himself. I told him if he can’t honestly see himself loving me past my flaw and treating me like the good woman I am, then I think it should end now. Maybe he needs some space. I told him I don’t want him feeling bound to me if the test comes out saying he’s okay, and I don’t want him only with me because we share this virus if it comes out that he has it. I want him to be with me because he truly loves me for me and wants to work through this together. I told him I’ve been heartbroken before I can deal with that, but what I can’t deal with is no kisses or hugs, or loves from my man when I need him the most. I asked that he please just become educated on this before he makes a decision to throw us away. I asked that he does his research beyond transmission if he could and then sit and think if what we have is worth tossing out the window over something like this that can be controlled. I told him if he decides to leave I’ll deal with it and cherish what we have so far.

      Now if only i could just stop crying. Pretty soon my eyes will be swollen .smh

    • Posted

      I'm so sorry he's starting to react that way. That must hurt terribly, especially on top of everything else you're going through. sad But before I comment any further, how did you test positive for genital Type 2, and have you ever had reason to suspect that you might already have it? Was it this first outbreak that made you see a doctor and get tested?
    • Posted

      I mean i've had a bump down there before, one time i had a rash on my buttock but it went away in like 2 days, that was like 6 years ago. My doctor always said nothing i've shown him looks like hsv. I had bump while dating my ex 6 months ago but nothing like this, it went away in like a day. I even showed my ex, and he shrugged it off too. I'm very tideous about my private area, pay attention to every little thing. If one hair is out of place i panic.But this one here was painful when i walk, i couldn't really sit a certain way or cross my legs. I showed my doctor this one, and i guess from the phase it was in and the location he said it was undoubtly herpes.
    • Posted

      You weren't swabbed? Visual diagnoses are prone to error. You could both be jumping the gun, if you weren't properly diagnosed by a swab test. Even if genital herpes, it could be Type 1. Both types look the same.

      It's also premature of your bf to act like you're the source before he even has his test results back. The self-blame so soon, before any proof, has made it all too easy for him to shift his mindset. Remember, at first, he was worried that he might have given it to you, but how quickly that changed!

      I hope you can get a proper diagnosis soon, plus an IgG test done, to at least know the facts of the matter (and whether you need to inform past partners). In the meantime, don't take the full blame for anything and you have every right to be both hurt and angry/upset by your bf's reaction. I would be incensed!

    • Posted

      Yes, i'm going to go have my blood drawn when i get off work today. But he's supposed to get his results today. What if he does have it and i dont?
    • Posted

      Should that be the case, then don't forget how he has been towards you lately! Either way, this has been revealing. I know he's stunned, scared and all that, but he has nevertheless been very quick to blame and rather unfair and self-centred in his comments. His priorities and investment in the relationship are not the same as yours, it would seem, so proceed with caution, if at all, would be my advice.

      The only problem, though, is that if he tests positive before your negative (all hypothetical, mind you), given that your test will be after his results, then he will certainly blame you even more than he does now, so be prepared for that. Pity you both didn't get tested at the same time.

      If he has any IgM results, by the way, ignore them, no matter what they say. False positives are common with IgM and the test doesn't indicate type or recency of infection, although many doctors still wrongly think the test can determine the latter.

    • Posted

      I think he has already made up his mind that this is all on me, since i'm the one that had a blister and was open enough to disclose this information with him while trying to protect him. I mean it was definiely in a space where he had no idea, so if i were purposely trying to hook him why doesn't he think i wouldn't wait longer into the relationship? Why would i do it so soon as risk someone i've only known a month knowing something so personal? Of course his mind is not there right now, it's wrapped around him and only him. Smh. It truly sucks that i fell in love with someone that would be so quick to judge and point the finger.
    • Posted

      Well i've actually known him a year, but we've only been going steady a month.
  • Posted

    UPDATE:

    Yesterday he somewhat broke up with me after finding out he didn't have it. He packed all his things and sent me a text telling me to call him. I called him while i was at work because i was anxious to find out his results and make sure he was okay. He told me he'd bring my key by later this week and my heart sunk. I asked him if he was done with me and I could hear the fear and pain in his voice as he said "I dont want to say that, I'm not saying that...but..." and i broke down. I told him but that is what you're saying if your bringing me my key. You are dumping me, this is it. He kept saying i'm sorry i didn't want to leave i swear but i need time to process and handle this. I just started to cry. He said are you sure this is what you have you haven't even had your blood drawn, and I told him I was going to go to my primary but it doesn't matter now because he's already made up his mind. He said, he hasn't made up his mind and he just wants time to think.

    I got off the phone because i was basically balling at my desk crying. He told me he loved me and would call me on his break. I got off the phone, and 8 minutes later he sends a text apologizing saying he doesn't know what to do and he's freaking out. He said he wanted to come back. I told him how much he's hurt me and how he's made this whole thing about him, and that if the shoe was reversed I would've at least tried to be there for him before packing my things and leaving. I would've tried to make it work somehow before dipping on him, because that's what you do when you truly love someone. He just kept saying he's sorry for the way he was acting and he really does love me. I said he just doesn't know how to handle this type of situation.

    Anyway, fasforward he came back last night and all was normal until i forced us to talk about what we're going to do if the blood test comes back and i indeed do have it. He told me he's going to be there for me, and we will figure it out. I asked what made him change his mind so fast, and he said because he loves me.

    Anyway i can tell he's still a little shaken up, but at least he's willing to try now. But i'm scared it'll come back positive and the whole nightmare will start all over again. What should i do?

    • Posted

      Wow, well, that's good news, I guess! How did he test negative? IgG? Good that he is also acting better now, despite moving out. I'm sure it is very confusing and scary for him, and he does need time to process things, but still not nice of him to act the way he did before. At least he seems to realise that now, but I suspect that's mostly because he's relieved he doesn't have it, so can now go back into caring mode again. Maybe I'm too cynical, lol. Anyway, lucky he didn't test positive, otherwise who knows how he would have reacted. He is right, though, about you still not having tested. Imagine if all this was over an incorrect visual diagnosis! But you never know. Did you ask your ex about his herpes status?
    • Posted

      I got it swabbed the day i found out it just wasn't a blood test The doctor was just so sure it was hsv2 that he prescribed me the meds and took the swab just to be 100% sure. My primary isn't available until next week, that's who I want to draw my blood. Anyway, I got the swab  results back and sure enough it’s positive. And you aren’t being cynical at all. He only came back last night and was acting sweet because he was hoping and praying I didn’t have it. Once I practically forced him to talk about the possibility of a positive result he went stiff and cold again. Once again I was facing his back instead of his arms being wrapped around me. The covers back between us. He was on my head all morning while at work about calling them for the official swab test results, and when I called on my lunch to tell him the results once again it was cold shoulder. I don’t know why it hurt me so bad considering his reaction initially, but it did…perhaps even worse. He got off the phone right after I told him it was positive. Said he would call back, and that was an hour ago. I told him he could just drop my key to my cousin (whom is his bestfriend), and to take care. I’ve had enough. Dealing with this was painful enough, but having a non-supportive person, treating me like a flea he doesn’t want to catch is making it worse.And honestly I cant get over how abandoned I felt when I came home and saw all of his belongings gone. To see that he wasn’t even going to try, he just bolted for the door the moment he found out HE was okay,  was probably the hugest blow. I’m tired of crying I don’t deserve any of this. All I did was be honest with a man I love, and this is what I got for it. Never again. I never want to date again, because I never want to feel this pain. It’s indescribable. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone
    • Posted

      Oh, so sorry to hear that! Type 2, right? And your bf doesn't sound like a very nice guy, I'm afraid. Didn't take much to send him straight back into "me mode" again! I think the biggest shock and upset for you, more than the herpes, is uncovering the true nature of your bf and the relationship you thought you had, and you're right that you don't need that BS.

      Sometimes, when things are good, it's too easy for the negatives to remain hidden out of sight. Adversity can draw them out, and better you found out now than later. Who knows? He could come around after processing things, but if so, proceed with caution like I said before. However, you didn't date very long, so he has little invested and more to risk/lose now, so it's doubtful.

      Meanwhile, you need to focus on you! Focus on staying healthy and treat yourself. Once you are in a proper frame of mind to deal with things, and after your (presumably positive) IgG results, you should notify your ex. Since you had occasional bumps then, albeit mild and quickly fleeting ones, those could well have been outbreaks. Stay strong and take care!

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