After 17 months of (self-inflicted?) agony, just feel utterly hopeless

There are two psychiatric hospitals here in Belfast.  I was in one of them from mid-December 2013 to mid-March this year, and was put on a combination of meds and had 12 courses of ECT.  I felt much better just before and after my release, but relapsed a few weeks later.  I think reality simply dawned on me.

I was admitted to the other psychiatric hospital in late-May for five weeks after breaking-down during an out-patient's appointment with a psychiatrist.  She saw how emotional I was and simply said there was a bed available and did I feel like I needed it. I didn't really feel any better when I left compared to when I went in, but don't recall any suicidal ideation again until August.  They have been common-place ever since.

Bringing things up-to-date ...  On Friday 12 December, I took a panic attack and went to A&E.  It is walking distance from home.

They ran some medical tests, and then I took another panic attack in the treatment area.  It was there that I suddenly felt strong and urgent feelings of cutting my wrists.

I told one of the A&E doctors and he sent for the 'crisis team'.  It's complicated because the hospital and its 'crisis team' are not my trust's when it comes to mental health.

Anyway, I was taken to the observation ward and a member of the 'crisis team' came, took me to a quiet area and that's when she made the "attention-seeking" remark and said I had no history of actually planning or attempting suicide, but I was an intelligent adult and if I chose to take my own life that would be my decision.  She said I was to be discharged.  She just came across as very blase / dismissive / heartless.

I remember being very calm while this was going-on, and that disturbed me.  I told her that, but it made no difference.

Before leaving the hospital, I had dinner in the observation ward and that's when I first put a knife (not a sharp one) to my wrist.  I don't think anyone saw me do so.  I felt sad and desperate.

I then left the hospital and recalled that I was due to collect my weekly script for Mirtazapine / Quetiapine / Pregablin / Zopiclone from the chemist.  I did so, and remember the pharmacist talking to me but it was a blur.

I took the meds from him and headed home.  I remember looking at the Christmas decorations in peoples' houses and it all felt very poignant.

I bumped into my father just before reaching the house, went in and told he and my mother that I was very tired and going to bed.  I went to the bedroom and began taking the seven Zopliclone tablets and some of the others.

I lay-down on the bed and the sweat was lashing-out of me.  I was weeping and I think I also prayed (something I have been doing a lot of: I am a believer, though not overly-religious).

I don't remember anything else until lunchtime on Saturday when I woke-up on the settee in the living room.  I felt very tired and groggy, but I think I fell asleep again.

I had these sudden, strong suicidal urges again at a computer class on Tuesday 16 December.

I told my GP all of this when I saw him on Thursday 18 December and also my psychiatrist on Monday 22 December.  At my previous consulation with the psychiatrist at the end of November, I told him that I did not think I would see Christmas.

Last week, the psychiatrist said he could contact 'Home Treatment' (there are so many branches in mental health!) and talk about hospital but it would be a backward steps as I need to confront my fears and get private CBT (I am on a long NHS waiting list for same).

Both he and the GP said I should go to A&E if I felt in imminent danger of harming myself or others.  I think both are convinced that severe anxiety is driving these fears rather then severe depression.

I collected my weekly script of meds on Christmas Eve and did not repeat the over-dosing.

I think I was determined to make it through Christmas for the sake of my family.  Now, New Year is the target / monkey-on-my-back.

I DO have severe depression, as well as severe anxiety, and the trouble is that it is all situational: trauman from the HIV scare, a broken heart, loneliness, worry about my parents, job prospects, phobias, etc, etc.

These things may have caused a chemical imbalance in my brain, but they are concrete things and I don't see any way of breaking the cycle of despair.

I told my dad about an hour ago that I was seriously worried that I will attempt to take my own life.  He took it quite calmly and simply replied that he would do anything for me.

I really do not know what to do, because I know that I DO need to face the issues that are bothering me.  I just don't feel able to, even though I am actually in pretty-much the same position as I was two years ago: single, no job, ageing parents (and mum had just been diagnsed with dementia), etc, etc, and yet I felt quite content with life.  The HIV scare changed everything.  It almost feels like PTSD.

Like I said, I just don't know what to do.

It sounds like your really struggling. Its hard when people move on and  next to a bereavement its the most highly stressed situation. You got to find away ( and may be wtih help counselling ) to break the chains. What ever you do dont rush yourself as the pressure will only make it worse.

If you have a plan of what you need to do you half way there, but like i say it can take time

Of course it hurts a lot to see your ex partner with someone else.  I lived with regret and guilt for about 30 years because depression made me leave a marriage.  I could not explain at the time what I felt, but now know it was depression.  I have struggled hard to accept I will always be alone now.  Have been alone for 30 years now.  Tried other relationships but depression ruined them all. 

Like you, find it difficult to move on, but move on we must.  We can spend the rest of our lives regretting what has happened in the past, but we cannot change it.  Don't let this ruin the rest of your life.  I have struggled for over 30 years, and been as klow as can be.  I struggle, I battle,because life is worth living, if only we could see it. 

You will come through this, I know, because I have done it.  I am not a strong person.  Do yoiu think you can keep going.  One day at a time.  I belonged to Depression Alliance for many years and their motto is "One Small Step At A Time."  You have great support here.  People who truly care about you.  Take strength from us.  We have felt in that deep dark hole too.  Can you lean on us, and keep posting here, and find the strength to go on?

I worry so much about people here, and I care so much about you.  Please for my sake keep fighting.