Alcohol dependent husband - I feel helpless and frustrated, what should I do?
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Hi, I have been together with my husband for 20 years and he has been drinking between 100 and currently 200 units a week. His problem became apparent when we started trying to have kids 16 years ago. We mutually agreed not to drink at all while we tried to get pregnant. I didn't realise but this was impossible for him and he started to drink secretly and hid his alcohol. Fortunately we got pregnant really quickly but then I miscarried at 13 weeks and many more miscarriages followed and while I needed his support, he just drank more and more and I even had to drive myself to hospital every time I miscarried as he was to drunk to take me. I became more resentful and angry with him.
We now have two beautiful children aged 12 and 14. I never started drinking again after my pregnancies as I breastfed my son for a year and my daughter for 2 years and then I just felt that I needed to be there for them as my husband obviously couldn't. Also, my son was born with Transposition of the Great Arteries and needed open heart surgery when he was 2 weeks old and he is autistic, I want to be there for him to support him when he finds life challenging and when he was little I always thought that we might need to rush him back to hospital at some point, so getting drunk or even just having a drink and then not being able to drive or act in a calm and sober way, just didn't fit into my life for me.
I used to go to Al-Anon meetings but then it became too difficult because the kids were only 1 and 3 at the time and I coudn't leave them with him in the evenings and I was working full time. The drinking continued but I think I became better at coping with it. Then my husband was made redundant and it became really bad. I used to come home with the kids at 4 in the afternoon and he'd already drunk a whole bottle of whiskey. He became increasingly aggressive when he got drunk. Fortunately he got another job and the daytime drinking stopped a bit. Then he was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and he decided that we would only drink at weekends, but that didn't really work because his weekend drinking just made up for the non-drinking during the week.
Unfortunately then he was suspended from his new job and then he had supply teaching jobs but was fired from 3 (he told me he didn't know why he lost these jobs but I think it was because he turned up drunk for work a bit too often) and then he decided he would go and teach in Kuwait in 3 years. It was like I got the husband I always wanted or thought I had married. He sobered up completely because drinking is illegal there. For the first 2 years he did really well. He used to be a waist size 40 and he went down to a 34. In the last year he found ways of getting illegal alcohol but obviously he still drank a lot less than he used to.
Now he has been back for nearly 5 years. He struggled getting a job but then got one at the same college I used to work. Unfortunately he was suspended again after a couple of months. Now finally he has a permanent job again and managed to keep it for just over 4 years. He keeps very much to himself at work. He doesn't have any work friends, seldom goes into the staff room and just goes, teaches and comes back. He struggles keeping awake during the day and drinks an enormous amount of coke on the way to work as he is always tired and has a bottle of mouth wash in the car so he must have some awareness that others can pick up on his drinking. His sleep is very disrupted as he passes out so early in the evening he gets up at 12 or 1 when I go to bed and then watches TV till he falls asleep again. We seldom sleep in our bed at the same time.
Since lockdown started he is drinking 200 plus units a week before it was about 100 - 150 a week. He's gone from size 34 to 48 now. His mobility is very limited, his legs are really swollen and sore. He finds walking difficult, he is only 43 years old. He does not acknowledge that he has a problem at all and I don't think he ever will. He used to apologise when he wet the bed which happens frequently but now he doesn't even do that anymore. He usually starts drinking at 4pm now and is passed out by 6 or latest 7. We eat dinner about 5:30 or a bit earlier. By that time he has already had half a bottle of whiskey, then he drinks a bottle of wine with dinner and sometimes a couple of beers to finish off with. He drinks all this in less than 2 hours.
The evenings he doesn't pass out are more difficult as he is keen to pick fights with the kids or me. Anything you say can turn into a huge aggressive argument, so we (kids and me) just avoid him and don't talk to him once he starts drinking in the afternoon. It is just safer and easier that way. Also he doesn't remember anything you discuss with him when he is drunk, we could have the same conversation every evening.
I don't really know what I am getting out of this relationship anymore or why I am still with him. I suppose I am waiting for some kind of miracle to happen that will make him realise he can't go on like this anymore. I know that if I would get divorced I would fight for sole custody of the kids and they wouldn't see him at all. I keep thinking once the kids have moved out I'll leave as well or maybe things will change. In the meantime I keep busy with work and friends and I make sure I am out every evening either going to Pilates, swimming, horse riding or running. The kids are busy too with clubs.
I usually work from home but when I am in the office 2 days a week, the kids cook their own dinner and when I get home at 7, my husband is usually passed out by then and the kids have bathed and are ready for our evening routine of story and bed before I head out again. I never leave before I have put them both to bed and make sure my friend who lives 5 minutes away or my neighbour are available should something happen, like him having a fall or ... I used to feel trapped and feel like I coudn't leave the house in the evenings that's why I started running and for the first year I just ran around the block, so I was never far away. I don't spend any time with him at all, on Sundays we used to spend the day together but we are limited with what we can do. The kids and me are quite active and like being outdoors and he doesn't really enjoy that but we try and have a family days out. Unfortunately we then end the day by going for a meal and it is always difficult getting him home then as he is usually very drunk. The drinks bill is always more than the food bill!
How long can he go on like this till his body will finally give in? From this list https://www.healthline.com/health/alcohol/effects-on-body#1 about 80% of the symptons already apply to him. He seems to have a guardian angel, he has fallen so many times in the house, passed out on the way home, slept entire nights next to a road in a ditch and has never come to any serious harm. I have no idea how he makes is home in one piece some time but he does. How he drives every day to work, he must still be over the limit in the mornings. Am I really stupid still being in this relationship? What am I waiting for? Has anybody been in a similar situation and did it end well? Is there any hope at all. I hate failing and I feel I have failed terribly at this. I tried to help him initially but now I have just given up and we don't discuss his drinking at all anymore and I don't get upset either anymore I just ignore it and get on with my own life.
4 likes, 17 replies
ralph42857 inka262
Edited
Thanks for detail. You also sound long suffering. Has he really been there at all for you and your kids ?
Your husband is a life long Alcoholic. Some very alarming signs, loss of jobs were likely because he was either drunk or had an explosive temper due to a hang over or simply wasn't performing. Was also taking big risks by driving the next day. The part about going out for a meal struck me. I used to binge drink at weekends and would go out for a meal, but on the way there I would be thinking about what beers they had and would order 2 pints to get me going as soon as we got there. Most of talk with my GF I would be distant, just thinking of the beers and will I have enough in the fridge when we get back.
Now onto some health issues. I used to drink 2 or 3 or binges a week, 40 maybe 60 units. At 38 years old I started getting heart burn, I just put this down to getting older and popped Rennies and carried on. After one particularly heavy binge I woke up the next day feeling like crap. My stomach was swollen and felt like it was going to pop and was burning, my colon was aching, my ears were ringing, I was dizzy and so fatigued I couldn't make it to the toilet. For a couple of days I drank water and kept an empty coke bottle to urinate in by the bed, because walking 8 meters to the toilet was taxing. When I ate something it would come out a couple hours later like it went in but with some gold looking stuff. I lost 2 stone in the 1st week. I did some checking on Google and to my horror it could be Cirrhosis of the Liver ! I was freaked out. I went into over drive, hours of manic reading and anxiety so strong I couldn't now sleep, its a grizzly and horrific death. After 2 weeks I eventually got to the doctors, told them I think booze caused me to be ill. They did Liver tests which came back normal and they were not that concerned about my units, told me to cut down some what. I got diagnosed with Gastritis and an infection . I still felt like crap, so to be sure I got an ultrasound and that came back normal. All in all it took 18 months for me to feel better and put on weight again. I might just have a weak constitution, but booze was the main factor in me being so ill I am sure of it.
I learnt a lot of stuff about Liver disease and your husband is at high risk of it and wont find out until its at the point of failure and at that time its pretty much too late. Its usually a slow decline full of very unpleasant symptoms (Ascites, H.E.) or a huge bleed out when the veins attached to the Liver burst. Cirrhosis is a "silent" killer because the Liver has no nerves, you wont feel damage. I remember a Liver doctor saying 2 bottles of wine a day for 10 years is enough to get End stage Liver disease. Some people can get it on half a bottle of wine a day, rare though. There is Wet Brain risk, Acute Pancreatitis, Acute Alcoholic Hepatitis, Kidney failure, Colon Cancer, Stomach Cancer etc. Some of these are Acute and can kill painfully and very quickly and there is nothing Doctors can do. The amounts your husband is drinking will mean he almost certainly has an inflamed Liver and probably other organs. You need to get him to a doctor to assess the damage he has done, there will be some if it hasn't gone too far he should be able to recover.
barbara66703 ralph42857
Edited
Ralph..Very nice read about your AUD. You have describes a lot of the health risks with long term alcohol use.
Another part of Alcohol Use Disorder is of course the brain control . It can be the the brain signals trained by years of alcohol use that alter the character and personality and that alcohol is the main thought of every minute of every day. This is the meaning of addiction.
In order for the addiction to be interrupted the brain signals must be interrupted. This is where treatment begins and ends. A professional that is trained in modern day addiction is important . This is not a moral weakness , this is a disease of the brain and body.
I am concerned if you Ralph have been able to control your binge drinking long term? You didn't say. Left me really concerned about you. I really hope you have found a better place . From what you wrote you are very bright, understand the health consequences and can help so many others with AUD. Stay healthy, happy and laugh every day.