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I am an alcoholic. I have been aware of this for years now, but afraid to get help for it because I am a single mother of two young children. I don't want my seeking help to backfire and CPS come and take my children away from me. My world would shatter and I would probably want to die if this is ever happened. To give some insight, I do not drink in front of my children, ever. Nor does my addiction cause me to treat my babies poorly. What it does do, is it causes me to treat myself poorly. I barely made it through this last semester of college because I was constantly hungover, taking days away from school to recover, and then struggling desperately to catch up on missed assignments. Which then, added more stress in my life and guess how I "cured" that? Yup, poisoning my body with more alcohol. I don't drink daily, but I have in the past. When my addiction was at its worst. It's still bad, but at least I can wait until the weekend. However, this week was bad. It's the holidays, I had no family or friends to spend time with, and my mom passed away very suddenly around this time two years ago. She was an alcoholic her entire life and it finally caught up with her. You think this would traumatize me enough to stop, but it actually did the complete opposite. It triggered me to drink more than I've ever drank in my life that year I lost her. I was suicidal a I had a few very serious nervous breakdowns. This time of the year is very hard for me. To add to the stress, I've gained about forty pounds. I used to be pretty confident with myself. I was a small 120 lbs, now I'm 160. I can't even look myself in the mirror. How I hate myself for being so weak. But what I hate the most about myself, is how selfish I'm being. I'm potentially putting my children through the same thing I went through with losing my mother at a young age. If I keep this up, my children will know that pain too. How selfish of me? How can I do that to them? This weekend was my rock bottom. I'm truly ready to quit, but first I need help detoxing. Unfortunately, I'm too afraid to seek medical help because the system these days are so ready to take children away from their parents for even being breathed on the wrong way. They'll look at me and judge me like I'm just another scumbag. Without understanding where my heart and mind are.
I don't know what to do about this. I'm so conflicted. We live in a society that harshly judges people with addiction and mental disorders. This is why so many people don't get help.
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