Alcoholic partner who is a mum

Posted , 6 users are following.

this is a cry for help as i've tried almost everything else that i can think of.

i met my partner online 3 years ago, she is from spain and for the first year we dated traveling back and forth fro spain to the uk and vice versa. during this time she became pregnant with my child. we both decided to start a family and move in together here in the Uk. now our baby girls is almost 14 months old and a couple of months ago we found out we are expecting another. i was not happy with this and wanted a termination but due to my partners religious beliefs refused. Now in fairness having another child was always in the cards but the timing of it was not great due to my partner being an alcoholic and having a re-lapse.

the measures we have taken are AA meetings, path to recovery sessions (for those of you who dont know what that is, is a therapy group) she also suffers anxiety and depression. her alcohol missuse has been classed as not a dependency but an emotional triggered problem. so because shes not getting drunk every single day they wont send her to rehab. she is getting drunk 3 or 4 times a week.

we have involved child services who put a restriction on her which means she wasnt allowed to be alone with our baby girl, so my parents very kindly helped with that one. she has lost a job because she turned up to work drunk and therefore at the moment i am the only one who brings home an income. so whilst child services were involved she was brilliant and the services finally lifted the restriction which was a great relief for us all.

she lasted a week without the restriction and has started drinking again. i have personally put that restriction back in place to ensure my childs safety. when i arrive back hone after work she is absalutely legless drunk again 3 or 4 times a week. with her permission i have all her cash and cards locked away whilst i am away but she still manages to find a way to get the alcohol. ive hunted around the house and found stashes of empty cans hidden away in really obscure places and little stashes of money too.

i need some advice please.

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    It sounds as though AA isn't really cutting it for her and she needs medical help. I'm surprised that wasn't put on the table when social services were involved. You don't have to be a physically dependent drinker to have a problem and there are medications she could take though of course being pregnant might make it more difficult. Some ARCs you can self refer to so have a look at what's in your area. There are also SMART groups which educate on how to avoid triggers, how to deal with emotions differently and so on. I wish you all the best. I know what a nasty drug it is

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  • Posted

    This sounds like binge drinking which IS classed as a condition on the Alcohol Use Disorder scale. Based on what you are saying here, any doctor completing an Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test (Audit) with her would have a score saying that she does have an issue with alcohol. (the test is quite simple and if you google it, you would probably be able to complete it based on what you already know, to get a rough idea of the score).

    Depending on the score, GPs have pathways to follow to get her access to treatment. This is a medical condition and should be treat as such. Support groups are fine, and can help a lot, but the immediate condition (whether alcohol, depresession or anxiety) should be treated medically.

    Can you just confirm because it is not entirely clear from your post - is she currently still pregnant or do you now have a 14 months old and a young baby?

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    • Posted

      Okay, then I would definitely suggest an urgent phone call and appointment with a medical profressional (GP or other specialist doctor if she is already under a specialist doctors care for either her drinking or her other condition) because the unborn baby's welfare is at serious risk - they have to push her through the medical systems urgently for this very reason.

      What an awful, awful situation for you to be in 😦

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  • Posted

    A horrible situation and completely out of control, obviously. There's only so much you can do! Is she pregnant and drinking? Very serious and shocking..i am not helping, but simply struggling to find a solution since you yourself have done everything..she needs medication.Robin

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    • Posted

      she is drinking whilst pregnant and she is on medication for her anxiety. though she often runs out and delays getting more due to being drunk

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  • Posted

    Hello Finlay1987 😃 , Do you live together? Is she currently pregnant? Just the thought of having to look after Two selfish, one hostile too, gives me shivers. You can't live like that mate. You know that it's no good on the kids? A Single Happy Parent, with a Mother that doesn't mind helping is much more preferable to the current situation. It sounds like she has not been able to hit her rock bottom yet. Does her financial situation pay for her way of living?

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    • Posted

      yes we live together. i have control of her cards and any cash that i know of. yet as i mentioned in my original post she stashes money away. i dont know where she is getting it from

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    • Posted

      Maybe setting up Creditcards to a po box? You have tried taking the kids out of the situation? I don't think she will currently realise just how much collateral damage that getting obliterated comes with, and how it's not just insular, but does have a tremendous affect both emotionally and physically on loved ones around her, more than 99% of said being bad.

      This is no situation for you and, more importantly your kids to be in. And before something drastic happens, I would seek serious help or get you and any young ones removed from it totally.

      Has she had sudden trauma or has this crept up on you both?

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    • Posted

      its something thats been going on sonce she was a teenager. she has another child who lives in spain with her dad due to the child being removed by the spanish services. yes she has childhood trauma

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    • Posted

      Hi Finlay, it just keeps getting worse and more complicated..what more can you do? She is a heavy drinker and pregnant with your second child and this could be dangerous to the baby as we know. Urgent medical treatment is required which should reduce her cravings, but how to force her? Tricky situation!

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    • Posted

      You don't want to lose the kids altogether. Things continue like this for much longer then it is very likely to end badly. Does she have anyone who might be able to help her? If not, and she still doesn't listen to you, you need to give her some space to cope 95% on her own.Tough love works, it is all about her learning a mutual respect and trust. What do you think you should do about it? What would be your next move be?

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    • Posted

      i am proof that tough love does work!

      I was in a similar situation 30 years ago. Three kids under 5, husband doing his best to hold the family together.

      As a last resort and having tried everything, he said he was going as he couldnt take any more. I didnt know hed arranged this with a family member. I had to take responsibility for my kids as he wasnt there. Family member kept a close watch so kids were never in danger.

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