Alexithymia and numb head

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Hi everyone my name is Trevor and i'm 21 years of age and i'm from Fiji , i just joined and i'm glad i found this site which allows me to share what i'm going through and what i went through where i cant share with my parents or with anyone for that matter .

i was molested when i was 10 years old by a family friend and i grew up having to hide my sexuality from parents and with fijian family its a must to uphold and keep our family's reputation and the day i started acting feminine my parents was the daymy parents started beating me up at an early age at times i bleed or have a bursted lip and i blamed god for it, becuase my family was religious i faked my belief in god and  never in my life they tried asking me why? or are you ok? or how come your acting feminine? so from then on i hid my molestation from parents .

When i was 17 i got really  drunk and told them about me being molested for i could have that bottled up in my heart and mind  but things never changed , when i turned 20 everything started to change mentally and emotionally .I started with waking up in the morning with my head numb and my emotions where i cant identify or tell if i'm either happy or sad which is called alexithymia when i had researhed . my mother is the only one that makes me angry and at one point i almost killed myself .

I also hide my feelings of affection espeacially in wanting a relationship with a guy and also having to surpress that do you think its affecting my health ? what do i do ? or is it my parents not understanding me ? i just dont why i'm like this escpecially when i'm trying to feel and i just cant feel anything

i cant get help here but i need advice or someone that feels the same way as i do .PLEASE HELP

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  • Posted

    I know what you're going through.

    I can't quite understand all of it since i haven't been in the same exact situation but i know most of it.

    I grew up the same but for different reasons i got abused and molested and everything else.

    I just want you to keep in mind to stay true to yourself,no matter what other people say you have to stay true  on what you think and believe.

    If that kind of sexuality makes you happy than stay true to it,don't try to change.But you can fake,you don't have to say what you belive to people that wont understand you and wont support you.

    Just lie and make them feel better until the day comes that you wont need their help anymore so you can depart in your way of life.

    Stay strong and tell yourself that there is nothing stronger than you out there and that you can take it,no matter what the life throws at you,you can take it. Be patient and be confident,trust me.If i can,you can too.You are stronger than you think,you just have to set your mind to it.

    Everything is in your mind,every emotion you feel right now is true because you believe in it.

    There is nothing wrong with you,you like what you like and you believe in what you believe.Just because others don't like it that doesn't mean it's wrong or just because you like it that doesnt mean it is right.But it counts that it is right for you and that's all that matters.

    You can't make everyone happy,as soon as you realize that you will come to conclusion that all you need is to make yourself happy.

    About physical abuse,you can't change that.Learn to live with it and adapt,that's what i've been doing.I am to the point i would do whatever i wanted and no matter what everyone else does,even if they beat me to the pulp,even if they kill i wouldn't care as i would die true to what i believed and i would die happy.

    I would tell my dad,i will do this!If you want to beat me go ahead,break my bones i don't care i'm still gonna do what i want.That's because i don't see the world in physical form,i trust that people can do everything they want if they have enough will power.I would like to talk to you more,but first let me know what you think about what i said and where i am wrong.

    I have this thing i can't express myself in words so usually i do mistakes when i talk,so tell me what do you find worn in my words,how can i help you more and i will reply.

    God bless you man,and stay true to yourslef.

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    • Posted

      Hi Denis,

      thanks so much for writting to me and sharing your experience.

      Well over the years i have learnt to get used to the feeling suppressing my feelings and not to listen to what people say and also not having a relationship but i do thank you very much for your help and sharing a little of your experience and one thing that you said that stuck to me was  "there is nothing stronger than you out there" those words are forever on the front of my forehead smile and also i have adapted my life to being single and just having good friends who are real good to me but i just wish i could feel more .So denis thank you for your assistance and yes i would like to talk to you more too my dear friend smile

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  • Posted

    Hi

    Thank you for sharing your story!

    Your reference to alexithymia is sometimes connected to attachment difficulties and if for any reason your mannerisms & ways where not validated then it is no wonder you feel so unable to label how you feel today.

    This added to the silence & non engagement you demonstrated in the molestation is another example of being disaccociated & not connected to the emotion of the traumatic event. This is also very understandable based on your experience.

    Mindfulness is a great way to be present in the moment and it a great way to start noticing the thoughts that wash over you. 

    Your suppression of feelings is an area that you can take small steps in. 

    what could you share? 

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    • Posted

      Hi

      i'm very sorry for replying so late but i do thank you for taking your precious time in writing back to me and for that i'm thankful.And i agree with what you have written and please if theres ways you can suggest for me to help me in taking small steps especially in suppression of feelings than that would be very much appreciated smile

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