Allowing myself to be abused

Posted , 7 users are following.

I'll try and make this as short as possible. Basically, I have suffered with extreme low self worth since I was a small child. This has lead me to become severely depressed and always anxious. I literally hate myself. I have never liked myself and compare myself to everyone else all the time. These comparisons rule my life. As a result, I have never achieved anything substantial, I have no career, failed relationships and strained connections with my parents. I am simply unable to love myself. I have 2 children from a failed relationship and I take care of them completely by myself as their father is not interested in helping. I am currently allowing myself to be used by my ex partnee who broke up with me because he doesn't want the pressure of helping me with my kids. How the hell am I doing this? What kind of mother still sees someone who wants nothing to do with her children? What does this make me? I have no friends, my mother uses me for money and makes me feel guilty if I say I can't afford to help her. My dad has a go at me several times a day for any reason he can think off. I simply get everything wrong. I love my children more than anything, I really really do. But I'm scared that the way I am is going to rub off on them. I am petrified they will become like me, worthless and unloved. I'm seriously contemplating suicide as I feel this is the only answer and my children would be better off raised by a confident and successful set of parents. I hate myself for thinking this way but the thoughts are getting louder and louder. It's really scaring me. I take diazepam, temazepam, propranolol, tramadol anything to try and numb this feeling. Nothing is working. If anyone has experienced what I'm going through then please say something. Thanks.

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  • Posted

    Hi sorry I am not going through the same thing as you but just felt I had to say something as I really feel for you and think it's so sad that you feel this way! I don't know you but from what I have read you love your kids so you are not worthless as you have them In your life! The only person that can change and stop men walking all over you is you! (I have been there) have you been to the doctor to seek help maybe counselling? How old are your children? Have you thought about joining like a mums group to get you out and meeting new friends? But please suicide is not the answer .... A friend of mine lost someone to this resonantly and left behind so much hurt and who will care for your children.

    X

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  • Posted

    Hi Bird82

    I am so sorry to read of your problems. I have had the same problems as you but not to the scale you are suffering. My parents brought me up to fail and blamed me when I did! My first husband tried to make me lose my mind to get me out of the house with phone calls, telling people I hated them, etc etc. He did this with his first wife too. I could not look at him when he came home form work and he played on my fear. I contemplated suicide and had every intention of doing htis until I ralised that my children might possibly find me dead aafter  coming home form school. I realised he was punishing the children too! The worm turned and I made him afraid of me!

    Firstly, is there any way that you can move from your area, I don't know if you live in social housing because that might make it easier for you to get a house swop. You must get away from all the negative things in your life, your ex partner, your mother and your father.

    When you go away you can start again  and become the preson that you want to be. Your children are your reason for doing ths as well as yourself. The more they witness you being treated like rubbish the more they will think it is normal and it is only a matter of time before htey too will treat you like this. Do not do this to your children. FIGHT BACK!!!

    If you can't move, you need to tell your ex partner, mother and father to 'GET STUFFED! I originally wrote something  more potent than that but changed it to this.

    You are worth more than those three put together. Do yourself a favour, ditch the pills, give your kids a big hug as well as yourself and get on with the rest of your life without those three leeches!

    For your depression you can self refer to  a counsellor, just ask your doctor for the number, they will help you to get what you need.

    Your children need YOU! they do not need to be put up for fostering or adoption, you are their mother and you need them as much as they need you.

    The reason you have no friends is that you have victim written all over you and you will not allow yourself to have any friends.

    Make changes now. Start small and GROW!! take your kids ot the park now the weather is changing , do not be available for your leeching mother and kick you ex into touch!

     

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  • Posted

    Hello Bird82

    So sorry to hear your story. My heart goes out to you I also had abusive parents.

    You are not worthless you just haven't found yourself as these bullies in your life has dumped all their crap on you and I oppressed you. Your obviously vulnerable and in a difficult place.

    The fact that you love your children so much and reached out to people via this forum means you want change and help.

    I would call the Samaritans and possibly your local mental health crisis team and explain you have children they should be able to offer support straight away.

    Personally message me if you think it will help.

    Take care.

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  • Posted

    Hey have you tried the self help guides?, to learn about your conditions and what you can do to improve your health. I feel like I've been in denial about my own mental health and done little to nothing to improve my situation instead remained in denial resorting to procrastination & escapism delusionally thinking I'd overcome and passed it mistaking common for normal but coming to realize It hasn't gotton me anywhere.. It's difficult not being able to focus and concentrate feeling tired and irritable all the time I've literally been hauled up in bed for months and still avoiding focusing on improving my health and recovering but you just have to have faith that you're capable of recovering by utilizing forum support groups, information & self help guides and overall taking responsibility for improving your condition probably not much help but you ain't alone
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  • Posted

    Hi, thanks to everyone for responding to me. I really appreciate it. My kids are 16, 9 and 7. All boys! The 16year old is not mine, he is my cousin who I have looked after since he was 10 as his parents abandoned him. It's a long story but I've been raising these kids with no support from anyone else. Also, my other 2 children have autism. Although they are high functioning and really clever, it is a daily struggle for me to cope with. I had my first child at 24 and have spent every day researching and reading up about autism and how to better their chances in life. It's been hard and social isolation is always an issue when dealing with autism. Coupled with my complete lack of self esteem does not make a great combination! But, I have done my absolute best and all three boys are doing well and exceeding expectations so that makes me proud. I do not intentionally mean to sound like a victim at all, on the contrary, nobody knows my pain. I don't talk about it. Especially not the suicidal thoughts as I really would never speak about that. I've said it on here because 1. Nobody knows who I am and 2. I guess it's a safe place to share.

    I have been reading up on my conditions, I know exactly what's going on in my head and why i act the way I do, its just when it comes to changing my actions / reactions I seem to have no control whatsoever. It's like there's some kind of bizarre block. I've read up on anxiety disorders, self help books for self esteem, currently reading about NLP. I've had 2 rounds of CBT and 1 bout of counselling all of which helped me understand myself a bit better.

    It's the self esteem issue that is ruining everything. In my sane mind I KNOW there is nothing wrong with me. I'm an attractive and intelligent 33 year old woman with great qualities. I know this, but I don't feel it. I've resorted to self medication and controlling other areas of my life. I've developed an eating disorder and OCD over the years. Again, I'm only saying this as I'm anonymous; I have never said it to a doctor.

    I'm due to start another round of counselling or CBT in the upcoming weeks so fingers crossed it'll be fourth time lucky!

    Thanks again to everyone that's responding. And if anybody wants to talk to me about their stuff I am more than happy to talk. I'm actually a great listener and have studied psychology so know a thing or two. Just don't seem to be able to apply to my own self!!!

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    • Posted

      No worries That's what this forum is for so you don't feel alone!

      Wow bringing up your cousin that's a lovely caring thing to do! But you are right it doesn't matter what others say it's how you feel! Please think about goin to the doctor and letting them know exactly how you feel. Have you considered a part time job to give you something to focus on?

      Hope all works out for you

      X

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  • Posted

    Dear bird, please call the SAMARITANS now, you desperately need some support..also get in touch with your GP and your citizens advice bureau and anyone else that you can turn to tomorrow, you need advice and support now....your children must know just how much you love them, now YOU need help and a guiding hand, you do not deserve to be unhappy and used,, please keep in touch, great big hugs to you DEIRDRE xxx
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