Alone

I'm so please that you have found someone not only to talk to but that listens. 

I have had depression on and off for nearly 10 years and my friends and family are aware of my history but they don't understand. And so have learnt not to say anything to them. If I go to the GP they put me on suicide watch immediately and write out prescriptions for antidepressants. Helps but not the answer... Was on medication for 3 years and promised myself I won't go back on them and haven't self harmed in 2 years.....

Hey there,

I know wot u mean........I call my depression My Dark Passenger...... Most of the time it's under control but then it takes over.....and when it does....it's tries to drag me down.People don't understand how it's feels unless they have experienced it for themselves.

i have tried to explain how I feel to F&F but they just pat me on the shoulder and say...You'll be ok....... They don't understand the darkness that's feels your life. The struggle to wear the NORMAL mask each day. The fake smiles and forced laughs.....

I said to somebody once that the scariest feeling I've ever felt is the feeling that I feel nothing at all, and depression brings that. Dissociation brings that.

It's difficult as well trying to communicate to others when they don't understand your language and unfortunately when it comes to mental illness (and disability), you're speaking a language most don't really understand. It's not re-assuring for me to say that, I can imagine, but it should be motivational in the sense that it could encourage you to develop your own skills at understanding your language, and to understand there are others who speak it. Me being one of them.

I would never advise anybody to take antidepressants when talking first often helps more. Antidepressants are the last option with everything and if given at the start can create an environment of dependence and reliance. What starts as a 'kickstart' can often lead to years on them; fear of withdrawal symptoms creates cyclical patterns where the worry of coming off or reducing the dose means you stay on them.

A doctor would say 'diabetics needs insulin' but I don't believe that - not in a lot of conditions, particularly depression and anxiety. It's more like a painkiller to a broken bone rather than cast which can be removed. Medication (the wrong medication) can create more problems than is necessary; often hastening them or creating others in the process. It's not something to take lightly. People forget one size doesn't fit all - if it works for some, great, but a lot of people don't react well to them at all.

Hi Mark

You mention depression has ruined your life, I hope you don't mind me asking but whilst you have been unwell have you made any life changing decisions that you now regret?  The only reason I'm asking is I'm a member of another forum and someone has been asking what it's like from the depressed person's point of view, would you be able to share this? 

I've had my own MH issues anxiety and agoraphobia which I've successfully overcome it wasn't easy but I did it, I used to lash out verbally but that was ude to the fact that I was very frightened.  I am much stronger as a result and was able to recognise the symptoms when I saw my husband having an anxiety attack. 

If you feel able to share that would really help others understand,  Jackie

Hi Jackie.

For me it's the fact that I HAVEN'T made those decisions that I believe has been a major factor in how I am now. I regret not making them, and always trying yo please others and putting others first. Sounds a nice thing to do, but in the long run not always best for yourself, and then by definition, not good for those around you.

When I loom back I have always been lacking in self belief and had anxiety, to some extent, which has got worse, plus massive trust issues. Must mum had very bad depression so guess it runs in family. I have left jobs because I believe I will get the sack at some point, this has never happened, or been close to it, so in that respect I guess I have made some life changing decisions, but it's what I believed st the time and nobody could change my mind. But I feel that because of lack of self belief and confidence I have been unable to make some decisions that cold have changed things for the better and been led down a path that wasn't really where I wanted to go

Thanks for sharing Mark, really appreciate it.  Jackie

My husband has said he has always pleased others so now restructuring his life without family and myself.  Oddly the last 3years I spent trying to get him to do things he wanted such as hobbies and go out and enjoy himself with friends all of which fell on deaf ears it was work, work and more work.  This new life he has chosen has made him become more isolated and withdrawn and he now has clinical depression with anxiety so if anything is life is a whole lot worse.  The psychologist he saw told him to get his head out of the sand and start dealing with his issues he didn't like hearing this and told someone the sessions with the guy were uselss yet he told me at Christmas the guy had helped sort his head.  He too has a family history of MH.  I can relate to the lack of believing in yourself and lack of confience, I have that too.  Thanks again.

I can understand both you and your husband's position. Very difficult. I too am now very isolated, but in some ways, not totally, I am happy with that. My problem ( one of many lol!) Is high moral issue or beliefs which, I the real world, people won't live up to, because they are to a large extent unreasonable, and I feel very let down when people don't reach those. But I am at fault really, not them, but, being a stubborn so and so, I will stick with those principles, because I know they are right, and there are some people who are the same. It may just be a case of that's what your husband wants, simple as that, and no matter what you do its not going to change, but I reckon he needs to be totally honest with you. You may not like what you hear, but then again it might make things clearer, so hard when you care for somebody, but try and give yourself a bit of slack, as by sounds of it, you have done all you can, and nobody can ask anymore

Also, I wouldn't be surprised if your husband has said he thinks that you would be better off without him in your life, and I suspect because he cares for you and wants the best for you, that he will genuine believe that, and say it with no malice towards you, just wants you not to have to live with him being like this. When you are depressed don't always see things clearly

You are right, he asked why someome like me was every attracted to him said he didn't want to hurt me emotionally but what does he think he's doing to me emotionally by trying to Dirvorce me in the sate he's in?  Told me he never wanted anyone else or ever loved anyone else, hugged me said he loved me and didn't know!  I guess you are right fromhis percption he is only seeing negatives and even said his thoughts are likely to be permanent!  I am still shell shocked after 34 years together he won't even talk to me, he has now cut off all contact and is getting other people to do his dirty work for him as ge says it hurts hm to see me and what he's done to our family but he will have to face those fears at some point and face what he's done, w've all offered our ghelp, love and support but he has even turned professional help away, it's so very sad.

Sadly it is nothing I or our children have done, he was bullied at work and is not dealing with his issues, he's even told me I don't deserve this but it myself and the kids who are left picking up the pieces of our shattered lives.  He said he has no choice but to live alone to control his own food, shopping and cleaning?  Won't tell any of us where he lives as he says it's control, dealing with emotions by putting them behind shutters, said me talking about the bully has got the bully out of the box he put him in?  MH Crisis team have assessed him they said he is continually contradicting himself he was vague, evasive and untrughtfull!  The list is endless, at least ou kids know we are not to blame it doesn't make the situation any better and prior to him becoming ill we were inseperable and had a great relationship

I am 100% sure he doesn't want to hurt you. In a perverse way he will believe he is doing what's best for you, and because he loves you, he may well be doing the best for you with the way he is. Obviously it's impossible for me to say exactly what is right as I don't know you, but from my own experience, he may, only may, be really crying out for help, but finds it difficult if not impossible to show this. Emotionally the bank could well be empty. I suspect he truely believes what he is doing is best for you. Again doing what is best for others when in fact, he is cutting off the one thing he really wants. You. It may seem really selfish what he is doing, but my guess is he will think the opposite, and in a strange way, shows how much he loves and cares about you.

And if/when he realises this, he will be ok I reckon

Thanks Mark, I am just shell shocked he has chnged so much I had recent Radiotehrapy for caner no word to ask if I was ok, same with the daugher she had an op no word to ask if she was ok, this is not he man we know and love.  I think he is crying out for help and doesn't know how to before he left he held his hand out in his sleep grabbed my hand and held on tight, I can't imagine what he must be going through.  Deep down I am sure he loves us all.  I feel awful that I'm placed in a postion where I'm having to fight the person we all love for money via solicitors it's heartbreaking but I have no choice but to protect our kids.

I am totally sure he loves you all. Absolutely. It hurts that he wasn't there for you and your children at that time, but, daft as it sounds, that doesn't mean he doesn't care. He was afraid all that entailed would bring back emotions he has problems with. But that was selfish on his part, and I bet he knows this, and now finds it hard to turn the clock back, he will feel it's gone too far. But like me, some of this is his own doing, and I am sure he is aware of this.......a vicious circle. But, harsh as this sounds, and it's honestly not meant this way, you can only go so far, and only you can say when that point is, you may or may not have reached it yet. 

We don't always realise what we have till it's gone

it just so weird after 34 years together he can't even speak to me?  We found some old diarires and discvoered he's had depression since he was a teenager but hidden it with immersing his head in work.  He stood by me when I was ill.  He did say he was being totally selfish but he doesn't seem at all concerned that when te family home is sold our daughter and myself wil be homeless?  His job has gone and we now fce repossession.  I just don't get how he has become a complete stranger, I had no choice but to tell him to leave the family home when our daugther became ill as a result of his behaviour she's had counselling for months, her counsellor suggested she email Dad and tell her how this has mad eher feel he did email her back but htere was no acknowledgement of her feelings and she's now decided she can't conact him because it hurts her to even speak about him, we feel like we are watching a car crash in slow motion.  Thanks Mark Jackie

Sounds like he has pressed the self destruct button. He is self harming in a way, that, to me sounds like he feels guilty maybe about things he has done or hasn't done and is just trying to leave all that behind him.

I have done similar things in the past. Why? Well maybe I was trying to make the people I cared about feel the pain that I do/did. Not saying this is the case here, but we hurt the people we love sometimes simply because we know it will hurt them, sounds bonkers I know but believe there is some truth in it. Of course you can only push people so far before they rightly turn round and say enough

He certainly has and nothing any of us can do, he's very lucky we are still trying to protect him.  Oddly he's treated people at work who have hurt him better than his own family.  He's been waiting for me to make the decsion on Divorce I refuse to why?  Because it's his choice not mine and I refuse to feel guilt and be blamed he has to face what he's done at some point.  Told his solciotr the marriage certificate is here at the home and he can fetch it with the deeds to the home, that will be interesting as he is scared of the home sees it as a bad symbol and assoicates it with the bad year he had at work!

He is lucky yes. He won't make the choice because I suspect he doesn't really want a divorce, but wants to lay the blame at others. Sometimes we have made our bed and lay in it for what ever decisions we have made.

Sorry if I sound really opinionated on this, I don't mean too, it's TOTALLY none of my biz, but I can under the frustrations that you are both, to be fair, going through.

Hope I don't sound as if I know all the answers, because I can assure you I don't. It's just that I have experienced some of what you say, and yes depression does have a significant part to play I this I suspect, but can't always hide behind that. Sometimes that's just the way people are I'm afraid

Well his solicitor has now said the only thing he could rely on to Divorce me is my unreaonable behaviour, this behaviour relates to me telling a few of our friends he's ill and needs support!  He's now lashing out and looking to blame me, prior to this it was all down to being bullied at work, any mention of MH has him becoming very defensive denying he needs help etc!  MH crisis team said he isn't right.  He's trying to stop my daughter and myself from having any money, his sister and family feel he is trying to control us, not allowing us any money means we have to stay here until the house is sold as he does not want to deal with the house.  So far all he's done is use running away to avoid dealing with issues.Oddly his new start has meant him coming back to the area we live, some 10 minutes away by car, he told me he wanted a fresh start somewhere else?  He had moved over half an hour away, he has no family here and all that's left here is my daughter and myself?  It's all very odd!  Thanks so much for your kind words and support.

No problem Jackie your welcome. Sometimes we lash out at the people we care most about, simply because we know it will hurt, we want them to feel pain just as much as we do

I thought all night about what you said about lashing out and wanting others to feel pain.  I remembered when I had anxiety attacks and the agoraphobia I used to lash out quick tempered and shouting but that was because I was so very frightened, I also got frustrated that unless people were going through what I was experiencing how could they possibly understand what I was going through.  So I guess in some respects that is wanting others to feel our pain.  I was greatful of the support of my husband and he stood by me which is another reason I am doing the same for him it's not about duty it's unconditional love and we don't just abandon someone because they happen to get ill.  Thanks again Mark Jackie

Your spot on in what you say jackie, totally spot on.

Your husband sounds a very lucky guy. You should tell him that, seriously

Thanks Mark I have told him but he doesn't seem to be taking anything in, at the moment everything is very one sided and all his way.  I even tried explaining when he was at home that I understood if he didn't feel comfortable doing anything, I told him there were days when I could only get to the front door or as far as the garden path!  His sister has also said he needs to be honest with me but so far all he has done is run away. I feel a bit mean that I am now pushing him to face his fears by coming back to the home to collect things.  In 10 months he has not changed his address or come to collect what I would desribe as his most treasured posessions that relate to his hobby?

I think sometimes with depression, we are genuinely not sure why we say or do things. Also for some daft reason we look to almost punish ourselves, like deny things that we like doing, like hobbies, possibly because we think we areworthless. Before I was married ( and even now!!) I never, and I seriously mean this) ever thought that anybody would be interested in me. The facts didn't actually bear this out, but that didn't seem to make any difference, self esteem was, is, so very low.

Think your sister is right, he needs to be open and honest, maybe he us ashamed that he lacks the emotional intelligence to deal with stuff, or just afraid of showing his real fears etc, but it appears that he us keeping something back. Could be as simple as the fact that he feels that it us best for all of you that he isn't in your life anymore and he really believes that.

He did say he has very low self esteem but I have always reassured him how much he meant how much he is loved etc.  I told him I've never been interested in anyone else, never wanted to be with anyone else only ever loved him he told me in January he thought the same about me.

He told me he feels very guilty and ashamed told him there's nothing he can't tell me, I've always been open and honest.  He is finding emotions very hard to deal with putting them behind shutters. He did say not to wait for him to get better, all sorts of weird stuff, who knows?

People have said things (in a good way) to me till they are blue in the face, but if you REALLY don't believe it, not going to make any difference. Daft exams, but I bet Andy Murray tennis player, was told many times he was a great player, but for whatever reason, and it's nothing to do with lack of ability, it just didn't happen. Along comes different coach, and something clicks and hey, wins two majors. Mind set.

Once in that negative cycle very hard to break, but not impossible. 

I know what you meant I tried to explain it to our daugher, I have had a weight problem most of my life, people used to tell me how fat I was getting but I loved food and ignored them as I did our GP until I was diagnosed wiith type 2 Diabetes, when I heard wht Diabetes can do - limbs amputated etc that was the turning point for me.  I just hope he does come round at some point,

Yes I hope he does. I wonder if you said to him "ok had enough of this, where do I sign the divorce papers" if that would jolt him into action. Is he really being honest? Is your gut feeling telling you that he is, and being totally open? If you can honestly say to yourself " yes he is" then ok, but sometimes it can be really hard to be honest to yourselft and face things you don't want to. I have had to do that , and I don't like it, but I know a lot of my problems are down to me. Obviously I am relating to my situation there.

Think lot of people would love others to be totally honest and open, yet when it comes down to it, they only won't that on there terms. To my mind it doesn't work like that. It's like, if you don't like the answer then don't ask the question. This has got me in trouble many times lol!!

That's what he wants he wants me to make the decision for him, couples counselling found he's scared to make a decision which may be wrong and he may regret.  Couples counselling was a disaster the Psychotherapist said he either can't see he has a problem or has no motivation to deal with his issues  I have thought about the fact that this is what he really wants but I've known him so long, we've been like best friends inseparable and I know he has always adored me so this has all come out of the blue.  He told me he has been very hurt by people at work the bullying happened at work and he said he doesn't want to get hurt in the future, all he has ever had is love and support from me and I would never hurt him.  We had confirmation from the MH assessment that he is far from better but he won't even accept their help, he's in denial and becomes very defensive when there is any mention of MH issues.

Yes I can empathise with the idea that he is afraid to make a decision. When you are depressed the simplest decisions like what you are going to have for dinner can seem impossible. The fact that this has come out of the blue indicates that is obviously something he is not able to talk about for whatever reason. It's sometimes what we don't say, that says everything

Well i can't belive he's wiling to chuck away what we had, we had a great relationship he's even told me it;s nothing I've done all relates to work.  Fortunately both kids can see his behaviour is not normal and it's nothing any of us have done.