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I am really confused lately and I don't know if I am an in denial lesbian or if it is HOCD.
I am not sure if this has anything to do with it but.. last fall, I had a lesbian erotic dream. I didn't enjoy it in my dream and when I woke up, all I could think of was the idea of boobs suffocating me unpleasantly. For a week or two after that, I was in a panic thinking that I was a lesbian in denial. I was constantly checking out women and lost total interest in men. The feelings went away ( or I suppressed them) and I felt normal. For the past two months, I have been having the same problem. I am constantly checking out girls, thinking that I am attracted to them and have lost interest in men. I have always had crushes on guys. My first crush when I was little was when I was three years old and he was a boy. I had crushes on boys in elementary school and middle school but I have always been very shy and secretive about them. I remember thinking that I had a crush on my best friend, a girl, when I was like 8 but the feeling passed after a day or two. I have always been very picky and I mean really picky about the guys that I like and I can almost always tell when a girl is attractive. My friends will say, "Wow, he is so cute" and I will say, "Really? I guess he's okay.." I have always had strong crushes on male celebrities and "lady crushes" on female celebrities but they were never sexual ( that I knew of). I have been taking quizzes, checking out girls and testing myself, asking myself if I am gay constantly and wondering why I can't find men attractive anymore. If I get horny, on the rare occasion, I masturbate to male porn. I have tried to watch women, and lesbian porn but it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as the male porn does. I feel like I am just realizing that women have boobs and vaginas and have suddenly become attracted to them. I get very anxious around all women. I think about past experiences with female friends and acquaintances and I question whether I was attracted to them or not and sometimes I can think "Maybe" but then other times I am not convinced (rare). I always thought that I was just insecure about my self and admired them. I remember when I was younger, my neighbor moved out of the country and when we video chatted a few years later, I was very aware that she had boobs and I didn't. I always assumed that it was because I was insecure but now I am not so convinced.. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it, I even wake up in a panic and it is driving me crazy. I have had a boyfriend for the past 6 years but most of it has been long distance. I am terrified that I will not be attracted to him when I see him this summer. I have had OCD since I was very young and it got severe about 5 years ago. I have been on and off meds, gone to a therapist, etc. I have been convinced that I was suffering from terminal illnesses, caused myself extreme swelling in certain areas, etc due to my anxiety. My boyfriend also has anxiety and tells me that I sound like I always do when I am having what he calls, an "episode" but this feels real. I have read about "false attractions" and I am wondering if that is what I am experiencing but if that is what it is, then it feels so real. Its so weird. I watched a show with one of my male crushes on it and I saw him and I was questioning myself.. "Do you still like him? Why isn't he doing it for you?" and I WANTED to find him attractive but I couldn't. I have only had one boyfriend my entire life but I have also had terrible self esteem so I always assumed that was the reason.. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I have always shown signs of being gay such as rarely having crushes, enjoying foreplay more than actual sex, never having been interested in many super muscular men, etc. I have read so many articles and it sounds like me but I have also read that checking articles and overthinking past friendships and encounters is a sign of HOCD but I can't help but freak out when the signs all point to me being a lesbian. Sometimes I have weird thoughts that I might even be okay with being a lesbian but then I freak out because I never wanted that before!! The other day, I randomly thought about my boyfriend's body and saw a picture of that same male crush and had STRAIGHT thoughts for about 5 minutes. I felt so good and normal but it only lasted 5 minutes. I have also been feeling very manly lately.. What is going on with me? Am I an in denial lesbian??
P.S. I have not had my period the past two months, which has happened because of anxiety before but could that cause a hormonal imbalance or something that is causing these weird feelings?
P.P.S. I have always been very accepting of the LGBT community and have even tried to volunteer at Pride events. I always got very excited for my friends or family members that would come out. I never thought it would be me.
1 like, 27 replies
smc89344 BringMeSanity
Posted
Sounds like you could be considered bisexual. The only way to really figure it out is to have an encounter with a woman. See how you feel and got from there. Nothing to panic about. We're all human and have thoughts. I have attractions to both men and women. You're just over thinking too much. Try not too and put it to the test. The only way to find out.
Best of luck! ☺
nattalie36373 BringMeSanity
Posted
I think it's related to a harmone/chemical imbalance. I read your entire post and as a lesbian I can tell you I don't think you're gay. Even a lesbian in denial would not find the idea of another woman's boobs unappealing lol.
I don't think hooking up with a girl will help in any way, in fact it might make you feel worse. If you hook up with a woman just to test yourself then the experiment itself doesn't make sense. You won't enjoy it so you still won't know if you're gay. Look at it this way, when I was straight I never slept with men I wasn't attracted to because I'd feel NOTHING. Now as a lesbian I still cannot sleep with or even have another woman touch me if I'm not attracted to her!
So you see my dear, having an encounter with a woman to test if you're gay is basically saying a lesbian will be ok with ANY woman n a gay man would be with ANY man, no matter if they like them. We are the same as straight people in terms of being picky, having a type etc. The only thing different is we like the same sex.
Finally, as a woman I've gone thru the experimental phase, the bi-sexual phase,the new scared lesbian phase and finally where I am now. I accept being gay, I love that I love other women,it's not a burden or a source of my depression or anxiety. If anything, faking ALL my orgasms with past boyfriends and pretending I liked how a real penis felt was what made me sad.
If you're gay (or bi or questioning) trust me, YOU'LL KNOW.
pauline95899 BringMeSanity
Posted
I think your anxiety is making you overthink this too much and its going into an obsession.
BringMeSanity pauline95899
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Jessicat BringMeSanity
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BringMeSanity Jessicat
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Purpledobermann BringMeSanity
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BringMeSanity Purpledobermann
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BringMeSanity
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Nattalie, see and that is what scares me. I have basically convinced myself that I have been gay forever and I am just now noticing. When I wake up, I am like "Good morning, you're gay." I do noticed boobs and vaginas now but maybe I always have and just never thought anything of it? I do (or used to) love the feeling of my boyfriend's penis in my hands or rubbing against me. The first time we had sex was both of our first times and I did actually have to fake an orgasm because I felt nothing from the actual sex. He could definitely turn me on though. I used to love his deep voice, his smell, hard body, jaw bone, etc. I just don't know what is going on with me lately. When you say, "You'll know," I have heard that before which makes me just think that I definitely am and always have been - I just never noticed which scares me because I don't want to be.
Pauline, I know it is "normal" but I don't feel normal. It feels like a deep questioning that is really annoying me. I am not attracted to men currently or else I would totally agree with you.
Jessicat, I have had OCD my entire life. It is the worst. Thank you for your input!! I hope you are feeling better.
Purpledoberman, I feel like my mind is telling me that I am denying the fact that I am. It is so scary but thank you for the reassurance.
nattalie36373 BringMeSanity
Posted
For some reason I feel for you, how old are you? I'll be 29 next month. I discovered I liked women at the end of my senior year in high school. I was almost 16 but I never accepted it until I was 18. In fact I couldn't even think the word 'lesbian,' let alone say it out loud. I only remember thinking "oh God I don't wanna be one of those people!"
Still after the initial acceptance at 18 I still told myself I was bi and dated men up until around 25. No matter how hard I tried I could never establish an emotional connection with any of my 4 boyfriends or any of my many flings. Imagine sleeping with at least a dozen guys and faking EVERY SINGLE ORGASM! I told some of the guys it was real hard for me to orgasm but mostly I just lied that I came because I was worried about their egos, I didn't want them to think they were no good. I secretly blamed them though because for me guys don't spend time on foreplay and they always insert their penis way sooner than I was ready for. So it was usually pain/discomfort all the way. The only time it felt good was when I'd close my eyes and picture it being with a woman. Then the guy would speak and the sound of his voice would shatter my mental image and it would start to hurt again.
Everything you like about a guy I like about a woman. I love the way women feel, they're softer (most of them anyway)less hair on their bodies (I hate hair), they smell different and they kiss different. Their soft curves feels awesome to me.
If the same doesn't apply to you then you're probably not gay.
By the way when I had sex with bi women it was good but not great. Only when I decided to ONLY date lesbians did I finally enjoy sex and I discovered that I wasn't broken all along, I could have orgams. Lol
BringMeSanity nattalie36373
Posted
I can totally hear what you are saying about women. I can understand how you can love all of those things. I get turned on recently about weird innanimate objects if they relate to women, which I think is weird. Female mannequins and even just female shirts in pictures.. not even on girls. This is one of the things that is making me think it is anxiety.
nattalie36373 BringMeSanity
Posted
Back then I loved thick, muscled guys. I remember having a super crush on Shemar Moore.lol The sex just wasn't enough to get me off.....and I know it's not the penis because I like when my female partner wears a strap-on sometimes. Strangely enough I still occasionally watch straight porn, seeing penises still does a little something to me. BUT I'm sure I'm gay, sexuality can be complex at times 😄
BringMeSanity nattalie36373
Posted
I had a bizarre dream last night that I was in a sexual encounter with one of my male celebrity crushes ( or used to be). I bit his thigh and when I looked up, his penis was folded into a vagina-like hole and he had balls. It was SO WEIRD.
nattalie36373 BringMeSanity
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BringMeSanity nattalie36373
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