Am I a lesbian in denial or is it HOCD?

Posted , 14 users are following.

I am really confused lately and I don't know if I am an in denial lesbian or if it is HOCD. 

I am not sure if this has anything to do with it but.. last fall, I had a lesbian erotic dream. I didn't enjoy it in my dream and when I woke up, all I could think of was the idea of boobs suffocating me unpleasantly. For a week or two after that, I was in a panic thinking that I was a lesbian in denial. I was constantly checking out women and lost total interest in men. The feelings went away ( or I suppressed them) and I felt normal. For the past two months, I have been having the same problem. I am constantly checking out girls, thinking that I am attracted to them and have lost interest in men. I have always had crushes on guys. My first crush when I was little was when I was three years old and he was a boy. I had crushes on boys in elementary school and middle school but I have always been very shy and secretive about them. I remember thinking that I had a crush on my best friend, a girl, when I was like 8 but the feeling passed after a day or two. I have always been very picky and I mean really picky about the guys that I like and I can almost always tell when a girl is attractive. My friends will say, "Wow, he is so cute" and I will say, "Really? I guess he's okay.." I have always had strong crushes on male celebrities and "lady crushes" on female celebrities but they were never sexual ( that I knew of). I have been taking quizzes, checking out girls and testing myself, asking myself if I am gay constantly and wondering why I can't find men attractive anymore. If I get horny, on the rare occasion, I masturbate to male porn. I have tried to watch women, and lesbian porn but it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as the male porn does. I feel like I am just realizing that women have boobs and vaginas and have suddenly become attracted to them. I get very anxious around all women. I think about past experiences with female friends and acquaintances and I question whether I was attracted to them or not and sometimes I can think "Maybe" but then other times I am not convinced (rare). I always thought that I was just insecure about my self and admired them. I remember when I was younger, my neighbor moved out of the country and when we video chatted a few years later, I was very aware that she had boobs and I didn't. I always assumed that it was because I was insecure but now I am not so convinced.. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it, I even wake up in a panic and it is driving me crazy. I have had a boyfriend for the past 6 years but most of it has been long distance. I am terrified that I will not be attracted to him when I see him this summer. I have had OCD since I was very young and it got severe about 5 years ago. I have been on and off meds, gone to a therapist, etc. I have been convinced that I was suffering from terminal illnesses, caused myself extreme swelling in certain areas, etc due to my anxiety. My boyfriend also has anxiety and tells me that I sound like I always do when I am having what he calls, an "episode" but this feels real.  I have read about "false attractions" and I am wondering if that is what I am experiencing but if that is what it is, then it feels so real. Its so weird. I watched a show with one of my male crushes on it and I saw him and I was questioning myself.. "Do you still like him? Why isn't he doing it for you?" and I WANTED to find him attractive but I couldn't. I have only had one boyfriend my entire life but I have also had terrible self esteem so I always assumed that was the reason.. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I have always shown signs of being gay such as rarely having crushes, enjoying foreplay more than actual sex, never having been interested in many super muscular men, etc. I have read so many articles and it sounds like me but I have also read that checking articles and overthinking past friendships and encounters is a sign of HOCD but I can't help but freak out when the signs all point to me being a lesbian. Sometimes I have weird thoughts that I might even be okay with being a lesbian but then I freak out because I never wanted that before!! The other day, I randomly thought about my boyfriend's body and saw a picture of that same male crush and had STRAIGHT thoughts for about 5 minutes. I felt so good and normal but it only lasted 5 minutes. I have also been feeling very manly lately.. What is going on with me? Am I an in denial lesbian?? 

P.S. I have not had my period the past two months, which has happened because of anxiety before but could that cause a hormonal imbalance or something that is causing these weird feelings? 

P.P.S. I have always been very accepting of the LGBT community and have even tried to volunteer at Pride events. I always got very excited for my friends or family members that would come out. I never thought it would be me.  

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  • Posted

    Hi.

    Sounds like you could be considered bisexual. The only way to really figure it out is to have an encounter with a woman. See how you feel and got from there. Nothing to panic about. We're all human and have thoughts. I have attractions to both men and women. You're just over thinking too much. Try not too and put it to the test. The only way to find out.

    Best of luck! ☺

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  • Posted

    Well here's the thing, I'm a real life lesbian and I want you to not be freaked out by the thought of finding women attractive.

    I think it's related to a harmone/chemical imbalance. I read your entire post and as a lesbian I can tell you I don't think you're gay. Even a lesbian in denial would not find the idea of another woman's boobs unappealing lol.

    I don't think hooking up with a girl will help in any way, in fact it might make you feel worse. If you hook up with a woman just to test yourself then the experiment itself doesn't make sense. You won't enjoy it so you still won't know if you're gay. Look at it this way, when I was straight I never slept with men I wasn't attracted to because I'd feel NOTHING. Now as a lesbian I still cannot sleep with or even have another woman touch me if I'm not attracted to her!

    So you see my dear, having an encounter with a woman to test if you're gay is basically saying a lesbian will be ok with ANY woman n a gay man would be with ANY man, no matter if they like them. We are the same as straight people in terms of being picky, having a type etc. The only thing different is we like the same sex.

    Finally, as a woman I've gone thru the experimental phase, the bi-sexual phase,the new scared lesbian phase and finally where I am now. I accept being gay, I love that I love other women,it's not a burden or a source of my depression or anxiety. If anything, faking ALL my orgasms with past boyfriends and pretending I liked how a real penis felt was what made me sad.

    If you're gay (or bi or questioning) trust me, YOU'LL KNOW.

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  • Posted

    Hiya, from what you've said I don't think you're gay. From a straight female who has been married over 20 years, I've always found some females attractive too all my life but I wouldn't say I was gay or Bi because I've always had a stronger attraction towards men and knew I could never settle down or be in a relationship with a woman. Men for me too don't do it for me if they are muscular e.t.c in fact my husband isn't a macho type at all but very sensitive, lovely person. Female bodies are attractive and its natural for us straight females to see them that way too. Even my own teenage daughter admits to having girl celebrity crushes but is totally straight too.

    I think your anxiety is making you overthink this too much and its going into an obsession.

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    • Posted

      Pauline, I know it is "normal" but I don't feel normal. It feels like a deep questioning that is really annoying me. I am not attracted to men currently or else I would totally agree with you. 
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  • Posted

    Hi I had the exact thing happen to me, I had a dream a couple of months ago and started worrying about what if I'm a lesbian, I'm in a 2 year relationship with a man and it really upset me these thoughts. I always think if I see a woman am I attracted to her, and every time it's a no, but I can't stop worrying about it, I finally went to a therapist about it when I started having horrible thoughts that I might be a murderer, and I found out I probably have pure OCD. I still have the worries i think mine is due to the worry I may lose my boyfriend, I know how you're feeling with this it's horrible , 
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  • Posted

    I don't think you are lesbian either. Your mind is looking for something to obsess over. It is a way to channel anxiety. Your hormones (and libido) are also affected by anxiety. Try to let the questions in your head go and slowly shift focus to something productive. You are really beating yourself up. If you were lesbian you would know. And it wouldn't come out of the blue. And certainly would not make you question everything to the core. Not any more than being straight would. I hope you feel better soon. All the best.
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  • Posted

    Thank you, everyone. 

    Nattalie, see and that is what scares me. I have basically convinced myself that I have been gay forever and I am just now noticing. When I wake up, I am like "Good morning, you're gay."  I do noticed boobs and vaginas now but maybe I always have and just never thought anything of it? I do (or used to) love the feeling of my boyfriend's penis in my hands or rubbing against me. The first time we had sex was both of our first times and I did actually have to fake an orgasm because I felt nothing from the actual sex. He could definitely turn me on though. I used to love his deep voice, his smell, hard body, jaw bone, etc. I just don't know what is going on with me lately.  When you say, "You'll know," I have heard that before which makes me just think that I definitely am and always have been - I just never noticed which scares me because I don't want to be. 

    Pauline, I know it is "normal" but I don't feel normal. It feels like a deep questioning that is really annoying me. I am not attracted to men currently or else I would totally agree with you. 

    Jessicat, I have had OCD my entire life. It is the worst. Thank you for your input!! I hope you are feeling better.

    Purpledoberman, I feel like my mind is telling me that I am denying the fact that I am. It is so scary but thank you for the reassurance. 

     

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    • Posted

      Soooo I get that you don't wanna be, I didn't wanna be either. But if heaven forbid you actually are then what? I can tell you staying with a man when you want a woman is torture; I did it for years. But you know what's even more torturous? Hating that you're gay but not knowing how to change....or if you can.

      For some reason I feel for you, how old are you? I'll be 29 next month. I discovered I liked women at the end of my senior year in high school. I was almost 16 but I never accepted it until I was 18. In fact I couldn't even think the word 'lesbian,' let alone say it out loud. I only remember thinking "oh God I don't wanna be one of those people!"

      Still after the initial acceptance at 18 I still told myself I was bi and dated men up until around 25. No matter how hard I tried I could never establish an emotional connection with any of my 4 boyfriends or any of my many flings. Imagine sleeping with at least a dozen guys and faking EVERY SINGLE ORGASM! I told some of the guys it was real hard for me to orgasm but mostly I just lied that I came because I was worried about their egos, I didn't want them to think they were no good. I secretly blamed them though because for me guys don't spend time on foreplay and they always insert their penis way sooner than I was ready for. So it was usually pain/discomfort all the way. The only time it felt good was when I'd close my eyes and picture it being with a woman. Then the guy would speak and the sound of his voice would shatter my mental image and it would start to hurt again.

      Everything you like about a guy I like about a woman. I love the way women feel, they're softer (most of them anyway)less hair on their bodies (I hate hair), they smell different and they kiss different. Their soft curves feels awesome to me.

      If the same doesn't apply to you then you're probably not gay.

      By the way when I had sex with bi women it was good but not great. Only when I decided to ONLY date lesbians did I finally enjoy sex and I discovered that I wasn't broken all along, I could have orgams. Lol

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    • Posted

      Okay, I felt a very strong emotional attachment to my current boyfriend until recently. I am 25. I have only had sex once and I had to fake it but I think it was only because we were new at it. I used to love facial hair and the sound of a deep voice. I used to love the smell and their hard bodies. I loved all of that, just not recently. I never felt any pain or discomfort from the sex but I do think that I need more foreplay. If I actually think about being sexual with a women, it does not really appeal to me but my brain is making me think that it does and it is making me believe it. I don't really picture anyone when I am masturbating although I usually can get off on male porn.. like just one guy and no women. 

      I can totally hear what you are saying about women. I can understand how you can love all of those things. I get turned on recently about weird innanimate objects if they relate to women, which I think is weird. Female mannequins and even just female shirts in pictures.. not even on girls. This is one of the things that is making me think it is anxiety. 

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    • Posted

      Yeah I still believe how you feel is somehow connected to Anxiety.

      Back then I loved thick, muscled guys. I remember having a super crush on Shemar Moore.lol The sex just wasn't enough to get me off.....and I know it's not the penis because I like when my female partner wears a strap-on sometimes. Strangely enough I still occasionally watch straight porn, seeing penises still does a little something to me. BUT I'm sure I'm gay, sexuality can be complex at times 😄

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    • Posted

      Well, you are keeping me confused. lol I never have really liked super muscular men and I have always been picky. The idea of sex with a man sounds very appealing to me, just my one experience did nothing for me. I am not too appealed by the idea of sex with a woman but I think I would try it JUST to see if I liked it.. I don't know but I am hoping that it is anxiety because it feels so strange to me. 

      I had a bizarre dream last night that I was in a sexual encounter with one of my male celebrity crushes ( or used to be). I bit his thigh and when I looked up, his penis was folded into a vagina-like hole and he had balls. It was SO WEIRD. 

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    • Posted

      So what do you think? I woke up in a panic last night with the thought of being gay. I talked to my boyfriend and he calmed me down until I went back to sleep and then I had a dream that I was looking for him. I often have dreams where I am looking for my boyfriend and I don't know what they mean if they mean anything. I used to be appalled by vaginas and now they are like meh to me and even sometimes intriguing to look at but this not how it used to be for me. I would literally mute porn whenever I would watch it because the girl's moaning would annoy me. I mean like, I can think back to being younger and I definitely had "girl" crushes but I don't know if they were sexual or not. I don't know if I mentioned in my original post but I would always get very excited about getting new friends that were girls (or any friends in general) because I was very insecure and shy but now I am wondering.. I feel like it is consuming my life and I don't know what is happening to me. I can't recall ever having a crush on my friends.. especially not when I was older. I actually enjoy when we are not together because a lot of people get on my nerves and it has never been like "OH MY GOSH, I NEED TO SEE HER." It is never like that. 
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    • Posted

      Also, I have only dreamnt about being with a girl once in my entire life and it freaked me out. Now, I can think of being with a girl.. look at vaginas, etc. and not be as disgusted as I was before. It really scares me and it scares me most because I love my boyfriend. I am just not sexually attracted to him right now. It really freaks me out. The last time that we were together, I remember not enjoying EVERY SINGLE time we kissed which I don't know if that is relevant. I mean, women are beautiful and I have always been attracted to boobs over the clothes, once the bra is off is a different story but even that has become not so bad recently. My brain is freaking out. I finally got my period today and I still don't feel normal. 
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