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I am really confused lately and I don't know if I am an in denial lesbian or if it is HOCD.
I am not sure if this has anything to do with it but.. last fall, I had a lesbian erotic dream. I didn't enjoy it in my dream and when I woke up, all I could think of was the idea of boobs suffocating me unpleasantly. For a week or two after that, I was in a panic thinking that I was a lesbian in denial. I was constantly checking out women and lost total interest in men. The feelings went away ( or I suppressed them) and I felt normal. For the past two months, I have been having the same problem. I am constantly checking out girls, thinking that I am attracted to them and have lost interest in men. I have always had crushes on guys. My first crush when I was little was when I was three years old and he was a boy. I had crushes on boys in elementary school and middle school but I have always been very shy and secretive about them. I remember thinking that I had a crush on my best friend, a girl, when I was like 8 but the feeling passed after a day or two. I have always been very picky and I mean really picky about the guys that I like and I can almost always tell when a girl is attractive. My friends will say, "Wow, he is so cute" and I will say, "Really? I guess he's okay.." I have always had strong crushes on male celebrities and "lady crushes" on female celebrities but they were never sexual ( that I knew of). I have been taking quizzes, checking out girls and testing myself, asking myself if I am gay constantly and wondering why I can't find men attractive anymore. If I get horny, on the rare occasion, I masturbate to male porn. I have tried to watch women, and lesbian porn but it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as the male porn does. I feel like I am just realizing that women have boobs and vaginas and have suddenly become attracted to them. I get very anxious around all women. I think about past experiences with female friends and acquaintances and I question whether I was attracted to them or not and sometimes I can think "Maybe" but then other times I am not convinced (rare). I always thought that I was just insecure about my self and admired them. I remember when I was younger, my neighbor moved out of the country and when we video chatted a few years later, I was very aware that she had boobs and I didn't. I always assumed that it was because I was insecure but now I am not so convinced.. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it, I even wake up in a panic and it is driving me crazy. I have had a boyfriend for the past 6 years but most of it has been long distance. I am terrified that I will not be attracted to him when I see him this summer. I have had OCD since I was very young and it got severe about 5 years ago. I have been on and off meds, gone to a therapist, etc. I have been convinced that I was suffering from terminal illnesses, caused myself extreme swelling in certain areas, etc due to my anxiety. My boyfriend also has anxiety and tells me that I sound like I always do when I am having what he calls, an "episode" but this feels real. I have read about "false attractions" and I am wondering if that is what I am experiencing but if that is what it is, then it feels so real. Its so weird. I watched a show with one of my male crushes on it and I saw him and I was questioning myself.. "Do you still like him? Why isn't he doing it for you?" and I WANTED to find him attractive but I couldn't. I have only had one boyfriend my entire life but I have also had terrible self esteem so I always assumed that was the reason.. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I have always shown signs of being gay such as rarely having crushes, enjoying foreplay more than actual sex, never having been interested in many super muscular men, etc. I have read so many articles and it sounds like me but I have also read that checking articles and overthinking past friendships and encounters is a sign of HOCD but I can't help but freak out when the signs all point to me being a lesbian. Sometimes I have weird thoughts that I might even be okay with being a lesbian but then I freak out because I never wanted that before!! The other day, I randomly thought about my boyfriend's body and saw a picture of that same male crush and had STRAIGHT thoughts for about 5 minutes. I felt so good and normal but it only lasted 5 minutes. I have also been feeling very manly lately.. What is going on with me? Am I an in denial lesbian??
P.S. I have not had my period the past two months, which has happened because of anxiety before but could that cause a hormonal imbalance or something that is causing these weird feelings?
P.P.S. I have always been very accepting of the LGBT community and have even tried to volunteer at Pride events. I always got very excited for my friends or family members that would come out. I never thought it would be me.
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