Am I being unreasonable?

Posted , 9 users are following.


As some of you know I am aiming for abstinence and am taking Campral. I started my sober journey around the middle of May. I've had 2 'wobbles' since then.

Today is my 25th day alchohol free.

I am being treated for some mental health problems after having a breakdown in March.

I am married and have been for 12 years. My husband likes a drink.

Initially he stopped with me. Then came the late night hidden drinks, ironically vodka which he hates, but has always been my tipple.

Now he is openly drinking in front of me. I am really struggling with this. It's not a huge amount and not every night. We have really limited time together and we always try to do something a BBQ or go to the coast. I am finding myself not being able to be with him when I know he is/has been drinking, even if it's just a couple of beers.

I used to be the bread winner and recently quit my job ( the breakdown) he had to step in and start working really hard. Also for about 3 months he had to do almost all the household chores and childcare/activities.

Am I being unfair? I have said to him oeviously I am only able to do this without him drinking.

I fear this is going to escalate like it always has in the past.

Thanks in advance

1 like, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • Posted

    The wife drinks at home, probably a bottle of wine daily. I find it strange that this does not bother me, the Campral suppresses the urge to drink. But I cannot go in a pub, because I will have to have a pint, followed by another ...

    Yes, your husband should help you through this difficult time, but do bear in mind, if he is having to work very hard to make up for lost money and for a long time has had to run the household as well, he will probably see alcohol as his treat/reward for this and it will be a release valve for him. If he doesn't have this pressure outlet, he may hit breaking point.

    You also are going to have to come to terms with the fact that alcohol is going to be around you all the rest of your life and it is something you get used to. You have learnt that you can have a little wobble with Campral and then go straight again. The one thing to take from this, is if you're sensible, you can on special occasions (every Friday night is not a special occasion) have a drink.

    That helps psychologically with the hurdle of not another drink in my whole life time.

    • Posted

      I agree that your partner is allowed and you have to get used to it and more situations like this will keep happeing..not easy but try to persevere. Best of luck. Robin
  • Posted

    I agree with RHGB, who has a lot more experience than I do.

    Alcohol is everywhere.

    It is also possible that your husband is subliminally punishing you for all the hassles that must have happened while you were drinking.

    I gave up smoking about eight weeks ago. My husband still smokes. It doesn't make me want to smoke.

    We are all separate and different - have you had a heart-to-heart with your husband about this/

    love Tess xx

  • Posted

    Sadly, I don't know if you watch Intervention or not.

    There are couples on there that seem so close, so in love...and they actually ARE in love....and in the situations where both are using dry substances or drinking...they both usually end up getting help.

    I would say out of 10 shows...I may have seen 1 show where in the end the couples stay together after reaching sobriety.

    usually, either one makes it and one doesn't...or they both make it and they STILL don't wind up together.

    Based on those statistics and many years of struggling myself...I do not think that if your husband does not stop that your relationship will survive..and I do not think your being sober will last sad.

    I know what having a breakdown is like and I know that having to think about seperating from your environment right now is probably not a reasonable suggestion.

    But, this is just how I see it...for your best chance at staying need to be in a healthy environment and the current situation is not healthy.

  • Posted

    And I just read other replies to your thread.

    I personally don't agree with the fact that you should s*ck this up because yes...there is alcohol all over the place.  But, typically if you are invited to a party or something you KNOW alcohol is going to be there.

    You will have choices to attend functions or not attend functions based on how you feel about alcohol on that particular day...and it is possible to go to functions...taverns...etc..without wanting a drink...if you are prepared and READY.

    However, you don't have a choice with your husband drinking.

    You have said this makes you uncomfortable...

    So..yea...alcohol is in the world...but it doesn't have to be in your house if it makes you uneasy.

    • Posted

      Why has her husband got to give up alcohol in the house?

      I don't stop my wife, it is me that has the issue, not her. And if I was the only breadwinner in the house, working extra hours, I'd be stressed and want beer to unwind.

    • Posted

      And that is your doesn't bother you.

      There are alot of one size fits all opinions on forums...but from watching Intervention for a couple years...most people are unable to stay clean/sober if a partner is using.

      If it bothered me..which it doesn't...because my b/f drinks frequently...I would tell my hard working stop at a pub or a friends for his relaxation and drinks after work....Comprimise is everything in a relationship.

      If my partner truly cares about matter WHAT bothers me....drinking, the back door being open at night, etc....he should be listening to me and we together should be finding a way to comprimise.

      That is just the type of relationship I WANT.  

      I want to feel that if I'm scared I'm going to drink....I can tell my boyfriend it makes me uncomfortable...and that he would "fix" that problem for US.

  • Posted

    We are all different. I have to be selfish and when I'm sober I can't be with people drinking around me. So yes I miss out on a lot of social events but if I smell alcohol I want to drink. My ex husband was very good to me and when I was pregnant( couldn't stand the smell of it), he would drink in another room or the pub. When I gave up, he supported me and didn't drink when I was there. So I was lucky.

    my ex partner of 3 plus years didn't drink so no problem there.

    I live alone now so that makes it easy at times of sobriety but hard when I need a drink as can't stop myself. My parents and sister are very respectful and supportive and don't drink when I'm with them, but they don't mind any


    Ive started campral today as I have a new pup and don't want to drink for her sake as well as my own. 

    Ive got naltrexone if I do get the urge which works for me as I can never drink more than a bottle of wine when on it..Though it does make me depressed the next day and lethargic. But that's just alcohol side effects.

    I CAN NOT go on a binge now I have a puppy as I couldn't when I had young children.


    • Posted

      What is the puppys name?

      Girl or Boy?

      What kind of puppy?  Hope he/she does bring sobriety and happiness.

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