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Am I depressed? I have been feeling like this for a few years now.

Posted , 4 users are following.

james04586
james04586

This is the first time I have opened up about how I am feeling. I do not share it with family or friends in case I get judged. You see, I am a people person. If someone says something bad about me, I reflect on it for some time and feel upset even if I know I have done nothing wrong. 

Anyways I am 19 and left school 3 years ago. I am a gay male and embarking on Uni in September. Sorry if I am waffling on. I just find it hard to express how I am feeling. 

Being gay is probably one of the reasons I am feeling like this, but my childhood is the main one. Do not get me wrong, I grew up with a good family, but I always felt isolated. Although, I went through some childhood trauma because I was physically and mentally bullied. I believe this made me the person I am today. I do think I have social anxiety because I shy away from big crowds and feel like having a panic attack if I am by myself because I feel like I am being judged.

Ever since I was 13 I tend to stay in my bedroom and house in general because I do not like to leave the house often. I have a handful of friends which I am very grateful for, but would like to expand my social life as I do not have the skills.

One of my low points is sleeping around (please do not judge me). I do this because I feel somewhat loved and wanted, but then feel like dirt afterwards. My ex cheated on and mentally abused me. He even hit me once. I told him things that I could never ever tell my parents.

I have lost interest in the things I use to love in life like play football, games etc. Now I constantly reflect on my the bad points of my life and it gets me down. Sometimes I feel like crying for no reason and I think about self harming.

I am at a dead end. I just do not know what to do. 

 

1 like, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • marieC
    marieC james04586

    Posted

    Oh James, you are feeling bad at the moment aren't you. You need to get some help with this, before you go to Uni, although you may be able to get some help while you are there.  But Uni will be hard if you don't feel like you fit in.

    Sleeping around is not really doing you any good, as you are not giving yourself respect and others may disrespect you as well, plus you run the risk of diseases and violence.  It does give you pleasure at first to think that someone wants you, but if they just use you, it is not good.  Then you can get a reputation, which could harm your prospects of getting a genuine partner.

    Why not see your doctor.  You may need to take some medication to help you feel better, it would be better if you could get counselling,  but if not perhaos you can go on a confidence building course or something like that, it could help.

    Bullying is really harmful and often leads to the kinds of feelings you have, that is where counselling of the right type can really help.

    I really hope you don't end up self harming, but if you do, you have to have bandages, antispeptic stuff, so that you don't get infections, you really don't want blood poisoning on top of the problems you already have.

    Please go and see your doctor and talk about how you are feeling.  We want you to still be here and going to Uni in a year or two and not dropping out, being ill or worse.

    • boing333
      boing333 marieC

      Posted

      "You may need to take some medication to help you feel better"

      He may need medication as a last resort when everything else fails. It should never be the first option or suggestion. Talking helps more in a lot of cases.

    • james04586
      james04586 marieC

      Posted

      Thank you, Marie. It really means a lot. I will book an appointment as soon as I can. 
    • marieC
      marieC boing333

      Posted

      Yes, I know that can a problem, but also in the short term it may be helpful some people have found it so, even if many of use haven't.  I still think that counselling is going to be more useful, but we both know that doctors will probably give pills, so we have to hope that if they do, they will be helpful.  We shouldn't discount the fact that they can be helpful.  In an ideal world, counselling should be the first port of call.
    • boing333
      boing333 marieC

      Posted

      "in the short term it may be helpful"

      Here's the scenario...

      Your GP will give you drugs that take 3 to 4 weeks to get into your system, and he prescribes the course of treatment (usually) on an ongoing basis for 6 months. 182 days of your life. This is not a short term commitment, nor does it offer short term relief.

      Why?

      Well, because talking therapy often doesn't become available until much later, and the longer you spend in that - often never developing coping mechanisms - the longer you spend having to rely on medication to use as a crutch. Medication is never used in psychiatry as a longterm solution because of the potential for damage but it often becomes one - particularly within the NHS - because the services simply aren't available to provide you with the right support or learning tools to develop coping mechanisms without the need for medication.

      What then happens is, you learn the coping mechanisms and still find yourself, months and months later "reducing the dose" because if you go cold turkey, you have a complete psychological collapse. In the process of doing that, you start to believe that your body absolutely needs medication and so starts the long process of lifelong dependancy, even though you've been assured that, 'for that medication, there is no risk of dependance'

      Let's not forget that the people who often prescribe these medications often do so without any prior knowledge of what the medications are or even understanding what it is you suffer from.

      Medication is not a short term solution. It's a longterm curse.

    • marieC
      marieC boing333

      Posted

      That is obviously your experience and it may also be the experience of others, but please preach to the medical profession, it is wasted on me and it could do so much more for everyone if you can convert just one, yes just one doctor.
    • boing333
      boing333 marieC

      Posted

      I've met too many people with too many similar experiences to remain comfortable when medication is suggested as an option but the risks of taking medication are never explained. It is irresponsible to say, "you may need to take medication" as opposed to [the more responsible] "...and if all else fails, there may be a point where medication is suggested, but it is risky and should not be taken lightly"
    • marieC
      marieC boing333

      Posted

      OK, I agree with that.  Just wish the doctor did too!
  • boing333
    boing333 james04586

    Posted

    Hi James,

    First of all thank you very much for sharing all of that information. I for one definitely appreciate your openness.

    I'm a tiny bit at a loss with what you're saying, however, because a lot of what you're saying is contradictory in the sense that you're describing yourself as an active and social person (in that you put yourself in a position where you “sleep around”) but then in the same breath describe your existence a being quite introverted; one would describe you as a loner, perhaps. Social anxiety, you say, exists because you shy away from big crowds and similarly you describe yourself as a people person.

    From what you're describing, I wouldn't say you were depressed – more confused; feel a sense of aimlessness; a sense of not belonging to anything; lack of identity maybe. Perhaps previous traumatic experiences involving people have left you feeling a little anxious, or apprehensive towards meeting others or being able to sustain friendships, or you feel as though you compartmentalise between those you call 'friends' and those you call 'conquests' and just wish to be able to settle.

    Please correct me if I'm barking up the wrong tree with any of that.

    You describe yourself as homosexual but can I ask, how does your family treat you because of this?

    Also, can I ask if you are in receipt of any kind of therapy, perhaps self-help and guidance?

    • james04586
      james04586 boing333

      Posted

      You are correct. In a way I am contradicting myself. 

      With my sexuality, my parents are supportive, but my older brother sometimes makes stupid remarks. It does not get me down though because I dunno if it is just banter. My father supports me, but I do not really talk to him about it. Although, my mother constantly talks to me about it and she really is a helping hand.

      I ain't in any kind of the options you listed. It has been just me hoping that it is a phase and that It will just pass. That is probably the reason why I do not seek help. 

    • boing333
      boing333 james04586

      Posted

      See, to me I'd say that you're able-minded, you're absolutely fine if a little neurotic, and maybe a course in guided self-help could benefit you. I wouldn't advise any medication because there is nothing, I feel, your mind (or body) lacks that requires any form of treatment. Lifestyle changes, maybe, could benefit you - taking an interest in hobbies, pursuing existing ones, exercise, engaging with people and objectifying them less will help (if you desire social contact, of course - some people accept that they are loners and become happier when others accept their conscious decision to desire to be alone)

      You're on the right track and you'll be absolutely fine. If you suffer from anxiety at all because of it then I could give some tips that may help.

  • keepgoing
    keepgoing james04586

    Posted

    Hi James.  It's great that you could come on here and tell us how you feel.  It definitely sounds as though you have self esteem issues yet from the way you write it sounds like you are lovley biggrin

    I haven't got a lot of experience of depression as anxiety is more my thing, but it sounds like you need to see your GP.  They are there to help with all sorts of things and can recommend things for depression and anxiety.  However, they're not quite so great on referring people for therapy or counselling which I think is the best way forward.  Being able to talk over all the different aspects of your life with someone who is there to help can be very rewarding and helpful.  If you can get him/her to refer you, that would be great.

    Going to Uni will hopefully help as well as you can start things afresh.  No-one knows who you are or what your background is and although I wouldn't recommend pretending to be someone you're not, you can leave the old you at home and bring out the parts of you that you want.  You can choose your friends carefully, making sure they are supportive and caring and you can start new, healthier relationships.  With social anxiety it really can be worth trying to 'fake it, until you make it'.

    Try and start doing just one hobby that you used to enjoy as it's important to keep a balanced life.  It will make you feel better in the long-run.  It may seem as though the best thing is to stay at home, but if you can get out there it really will make a difference.

    Sorry I couldn't help much more, but just know that there are lots of supportive people out there and lots of people who suffer with similar problems.  I bet if you mentioned it to your friends they would have some similar issues or know someone that does.

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