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This is the first time I have opened up about how I am feeling. I do not share it with family or friends in case I get judged. You see, I am a people person. If someone says something bad about me, I reflect on it for some time and feel upset even if I know I have done nothing wrong.
Anyways I am 19 and left school 3 years ago. I am a gay male and embarking on Uni in September. Sorry if I am waffling on. I just find it hard to express how I am feeling.
Being gay is probably one of the reasons I am feeling like this, but my childhood is the main one. Do not get me wrong, I grew up with a good family, but I always felt isolated. Although, I went through some childhood trauma because I was physically and mentally bullied. I believe this made me the person I am today. I do think I have social anxiety because I shy away from big crowds and feel like having a panic attack if I am by myself because I feel like I am being judged.
Ever since I was 13 I tend to stay in my bedroom and house in general because I do not like to leave the house often. I have a handful of friends which I am very grateful for, but would like to expand my social life as I do not have the skills.
One of my low points is sleeping around (please do not judge me). I do this because I feel somewhat loved and wanted, but then feel like dirt afterwards. My ex cheated on and mentally abused me. He even hit me once. I told him things that I could never ever tell my parents.
I have lost interest in the things I use to love in life like play football, games etc. Now I constantly reflect on my the bad points of my life and it gets me down. Sometimes I feel like crying for no reason and I think about self harming.
I am at a dead end. I just do not know what to do.
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